Snoop Dogg Encourages Franciscan Students to Break Out of Their Shells

STEUBENVILLE - Proper rest and relaxation is the key to getting ahead in life, hip-hop artist Snoop Dogg told students at the Franciscan University of Steubenville. He addressed a crowd of 500 students on Monday at the Finnegan Fieldhouse about the importance of social skills and dealing with the calamities of everyday life.

"Sometimes you gotta be careful not to overload yourself you know?" said Dogg. "Sometimes you just gotta let loose, man."

At the beginning of the speech, Mr. Dogg caused many in attendance to gasp as he lit a joint at the podium. The commotion eventually settled down as the smoke saturated the atmosphere.

"See dude, that's exactly what I'm talking about," he said as school officials exchanged shocked looks. "Ya'll are losing your minds over some stupid [stuff]."

Dogg said that students were given a rare opportunity that is not offered to everyone.

"You guys got to realize that college is the only time in your life where you get to experiment," he said. "You're supposed to be learning, so try new things. Sometimes you can learn new things by looking at stuff from a different perspective."

Dogg explained that by taking LSD, students could open their brains to different methods of critical thinking. He also explained that smoking cannabis would help the students overcome their social shortcomings.

"Look man, you'll start talking a lot more when you get a doobie going around the room," he said. "You'll all laugh together and just get along better. It's the perfect ombudsman, get it?"

The now-stoned crowd thought the pun was hilarious.

Sheriff Abdalla Advances Again in American Idol

HOLLYWOOD - Sheriff Fred Abdalla turned in yet

another stunning performance in this season of American Idol. This time, the Jefferson County Sheriff sung his rendition of Celine Dion's 1997 hit single 'My Heart Will Go On' from the Titanic soundtrack. The performance nearly left the judges speechless.

"You totally killed it!" said Jennifer Lopez. "The pure, raw emotion that you put behind that performance was almost indescribable."

Abdalla dedicated the song to the hacker collective 'Anonymous', the hacker collective that helped expose details of the Steubenville rape case.

"Anonymous," he said in a soft tone while slowly raising his head from the ground. "I know you're watching. I know where you are and this song is for you."

Abdalla even personalized the song by adding his own lyrics.

"Near, far, wherever you are," he sang, melting the hearts of every woman in the audience. "Believe that my search goes on and on."

If you missed Abdalla's performance, you can watch it as well as extra behind the scenes footage when his show, Super Fred, airs on Friday. The episode will feature the much talked about, but deleted, scene where Abdalla shot and killed a heckler in the audience.

Bieber Wins Powerball, Escapes Valley

WHEELING/MINGO JUNCTION TOO - Just one week into Justin Bieber's sentence to Mingo Junction, reports say that Bieber has won the Powerball and escaped the Ohio Valley. The winning ticket was sold at the Marathon gas station on Wheeling Island.

"I think he threw the ticket away at first," said Jayla Freeman, a Belieber who lives across the street from where the singer was placed. "But then Channel 7 posted on their Facebook page that a winning Powerball ticket was purchased in Wheeling! I was so excited so I went and told him!"

Bieber apparently claimed his winnings and fled the valley without a word, only leaving a Post-It note on his door that read: "Siyanora bitches!"

"We're not going to point fingers," said President Obama in a press conference. "We all have to accept the blame for this. We all watch News 7, it's not our fault they aired it. Again, we're not going to point fingers at them. News 7 that is."

ArcelorMittal, Bieber's employer while he stayed in the valley, said that the singer is welcome back to the steel mill whenever he pleases.

"We melted all of his necklaces and chains!" said ArcelorMittal operations manager Larry Fox. "Profits are at an all-time high!"

Nominees Announced For First Annual Pull-It Surprise

WINTERSVILLE - The nominees for the 2014 Pull-It Surprise were announced at a banquet at St. Florian Hall last night. This will be the first year that the prize is given out, and the winners shall be determined by a senior panel of Ohio Valley News staff writers. The person featured on the token will change each year, and the honor is given to someone of prominence who has made a fool of himself/herself in the past year. This year's prize features the face of New Jersey governor Chris Christie, and we bestow the honor upon him to encourage local politicians to behave in the same manner as Gov. Christie.

The leading candidate for Best Ohio Valley Fan-Fiction is George R.R. Martin's novel, Domenick Mucci: Zombie Predator. The critically acclaimed novel features the Steubenville mayor as the leader of a group of survivors in a post-apocalyptic Ohio Valley (probably next year). Other nominees include Angelica Stewart's novel 9 vs 7, a book about the competing news stations facing off in a karate tournament; Stranded, a novel by Lewis Blackburn that tells the story of a man lost on the Ohio River; Sarah Does Steubenville, a short film by Lester Biggs that is about Sarah Palin attempting to raise money to run for office in the titular town; and finally, The Adventures of Moondog, a comic book by Damon Osbourne.

Nearly every news organization in the Ohio Valley received a nomination for Craziest News Story. WTRF's Dr. Dave Walker is expected to take the award for predicting last December to average 78 degrees and clear skies. The Herald Star's Dave Gossett is also a leading contender for his story about local children who spontaneously lost all of their teeth from ages 6-12.

Best New Local Program will be awarded to one of the two television shows that aired in the valley this year. Have You Heard About Linda? is a game show that airs on WTOV-9 that tests contestants' knowledge of local hearsay. It will compete against WTRF's show Drop the Beat, a vocal talent competition show that features the valley's aspiring rap stars.

Perhaps the most anticipated award this year is Most Entertaining Medium Relating to the Steubenville Rape Case. Nominees for this award include Trent Mays: Where Am I Now?, a five-second documentary that shows the teenager sitting in a jail cell; A Town Divided, the Lifetime Original Movie released the day after the trial concluded; CNN's The Situation Room for Wolf Blitzer's detailed drawings of the crime; and Yo Gabba Gabba for its episode "That's a No-no!", which helped young children understand the trial.

Eagle 107.5 Gets LeAnn Rimes Album Stuck on Repeat

WHEELING - A frantic Nick Nash told Ohio Valley News that he could not get the radio station to stop playing LeAnn Rimes' 2006 album Whatever We Wanna. He said that a computer malfunction froze the station's media player.

"I swear to all of our listeners that we are trying to get this fixed," said Nash. "Trust me, it's playing at full volume in our studio and nobody knows what to do about it."

The catastrophe occurred just after 3 p.m. during Nash's daily segment. He originally played the song And It Feels Like as a prank.

"We had someone call in and request some Metallica," he said. "I thought we'd get a good laugh if we surprised him LeAnn Rimes before switching over to Master of Puppets, but obviously nobody's laughing anymore."

Much to Nash's dismay, the song played through in its entirety, followed by the rest of the album. Thousands of blue-collar workers across the Ohio Valley were forced to turn their radios off and work in silence.

"You know, it wouldn't be so bad if were a different LeAnn Rimes album," said Billy Ray Jones, a truck driver for Carenbauer Distributing. "Blue was pretty good but she's just totally passé anymore."

Nash said that he's been working overtime to help the IT crews get the problem solved.

"I tried unplugging it and plugging it back in," he said. "But the backup generators just kick in and keep it going. Then we tried unhooking the generators, but that didn't work either."

Steven Fairchild, a WEGW employee, was sent to the hospital after nearly being electrocuted when he tried to disconnect the generators. Nash added that he thinks the radio station may even be haunted.

"After Steve got shocked, all the lights dimmed and the thermostat went way up," he said. "Then LeAnn got louder and louder."

Wheeling mayor Andy McKenzie said that if the situation is not resolved soon, drastic measures may be taken.

"If they don't get it fixed, we're taking matters into our own hands," said McKenzie. "We're going to have to blow the place up."

Wheeling Legalizes Prostitution For Valentine's Day Only

WHEELING - Mayor Andy McKenzie says that he wants everybody in Wheeling to be able to enjoy Valentine's Day equally. On February 14, prostitution will be legal for anyone within city limits.

"The idea came to me when I was browsing the internet a couple nights ago," said McKenzie. "I saw this advertisement that there were a lot lonely moms in my area that were ready to go at it. I felt bad for them, so we're going to do them a special Valentine's Day favor."

McKenzie said that while the practice is usually unorganized, customers will still be required to pay sales taxes on the prostitutes.

"We've been handing out these Intuit credit card readers to every prostitute in Wheeling," he said. "That way we can properly keep track of every transaction. It will basically be like they are employees of the city for a day."

The credit card readers will allow the city to get creative with the offer.

"We're looking at running some kind of prostitute rewards program," McKenzie said. "We don't know exactly what we're going to offer just yet, but there will definitely be a buy one get one half off deal. Also, if you spend over $50 this year you'll earn points towards next year's event."

Several companies have already announced their involvement with the event. For instance, Apollo Pro Cleaning & Restoration will be providing free cleanup services, while Enterprise Rent-A-Car will offer discounted car rentals with certain bundles.

Wheeling Intelligencer Accidentally Publishes Newspaper in Wingdings

WHEELING - The launch of the Intelligencer's new format (right) was plagued by a single oversight: it was published in Wingdings. Apparently, nobody in the newsroom realized that the mistake even happened, and thousands of readers across the Ohio Valley were delivered a newspaper that they could not understand. Ogden Newspapers President Robert Nutting, also owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates and Seven Springs Mountain Resort, said that he doesn't think that the misprinting is that big of a deal.

"Well technically it's still written in English," he said. "If you go through and type out each individual key in Microsoft Word, you'll be able to make a cipher that you can use to decode the paper. It'll be something that you can enjoy doing with your family!"

Although Nutting assured readers that the mistake was relatively minor, several subscribers voiced their displeasure.

"So first we get that Coke commercial during the Super Bowl and now we get this," said Wheeling resident Abdullah Rahad Ahmed Al-Najibullah Omar Roberto Sanchez Toriyami Yamaguchi. "I thought this was America."

Several elderly people began rioting in the streets of downtown Wheeling because they lost their minds, according to health professionals at East Ohio Regional Hospital. Nutting said that if people wanted to read the stories, they were still available.

"You can see them all online!" he said as a mob of retirees set fire to his car. "I don't understand why they can't just get on a computer."

Unfortunately for Nutting and the Intelligencer, the riots knocked out internet service in Wheeling, causing many of city's teenagers to join in on the commotion. It also caused employees at Wesbanco to get more work done than they ever had done before.

Provident Man Wins 35,000 Pounds of Milk

PROVIDENT - 55-year-old John Doe was shocked to hear that he was the lucky winner of United Dairy's Winter Harvest Sweepstakes. The prize was 35,000 pounds of milk delivered right through his front door. United Dairy spokesperson Brenda Witherspoon says that the company wanted to really surprise Mr. Doe.

"If you've ever watched the Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes, they like to just knock on the door," said Witherspoon. "But they have a huge entourage with vans and people with balloons. You can see that from a mile away. I assure you that Mr. Doe did not see this coming."

She also said that the move was inspired by the mascot for another famous beverage.

"Remember the Kool-Aid commercials?" asked Witherspoon. "Everyone was so excited whenever he would burst through the walls. Didn't you always wish that would happen to you?"

Apparently, Mr. Doe did not wish for that to happen.

"They better pay for the damage," he said. "They could have killed me, plus there's a giant hole in my house and it's freezing out."

Witherspoon says she doesn't know why he's so upset.

"We're letting him keep all that milk!" she exclaimed. "That's like giving him 20 thousand dollars. But I do hope he's a fast drinker. It all expires next week."

Justin Bieber Exiled to Ohio Valley, Lands Job With ArcelorMittal

MINGO JUNCTION - In response to an official White House petition that has received over 240,000 signatures, President Obama announced that he will have the Department of Homeland Security relocate Justin Bieber to Mingo Junction, Ohio.

"Legally, I do not have the power to deport people from this country," Obama said. "I can, however, put him somewhere where you'll never hear from him again."

Bieber arrived in his new Mingo Junction apartment on Monday morning. He was seen wondering around town in his signature gas mask, which he uses to keep the nauseous gasses across the river in Follansbee from killing him.

"He's just gonna have to get used to it," said Mingo resident Paul Wilson. "Time to put your big boy pants on."

The pop star spent his first day in the valley shopping around in Fort Steuben Mall while numerous reporters and many others followed his every move. Bieber seemed disoriented as he stumbled around looking for stores.

"Excuse me sir," Bieber asked an elderly man on a bench. "Where might I find a Louis Vuitton boutique?"

The comment drew laughs from several passersby as the man glared at him.

"We don't have Chinese stores around here," said the man.

According to reports, Bieber was set up with a job at the ArcelorMittal steel mill in Weirton. He was sent to the hospital today after his clothes melted to his skin. President Obama said that isn't sure how long Bieber would last in Mingo Junction, but he was certain the musician would never escape.

"The Ohio Valley is a trap for young people," Obama said. "Once you're there, it's the hardest place in America to escape."

Disheveled Adam Del Rosso Spotted in Hut Near Ohio River

STEUBENVILLE - It's a question that has been on the minds of Ohio Valley residents for years. What does WTOV-9's Adam Del Rosso do during the weekdays? The meteorologist comes in to report the weather on the weekends, then mysteriously disappears for five days in a row. Many have speculated that he doesn't exist at all, noting that he has never actually been seen in public aside from reporting for News 9. For this special report we teamed up with Del Rosso's friend and colleague, Kevin Carter, to find out where it is he runs off to during his days off.

"Adam is an incredibly professional meteorologist," said Carter. "He's very photogenic, you know? He just looks like he was born to be on television."

Del Rosso joined News 9 in 2011, but in all his time there he has not shown up to a single event outside of where WTOV sends him.

"We've had Christmas parties and there have been birthday parties, but Adam's always nowhere to be seen," Carter said. "Jeff [Oechslein] and I always thought that maybe he was just anti-social, but one day he showed up to work looking like a mess."

Carter took a picture (right) of Del Rosso and showed it to the rest of the staff, raising concerns about his well-being.

"The odd thing was," said Carter. "He just sort of shrugged his shoulders and muttered something at me. He went into the bathroom and ten minutes later he came out looking absolutely normal. That's when I knew I had to find out what was going on."

Carter joined a team of OVN reporters as we followed Del Rosso last week after his Sunday weather report. He drove down to the Ohio River, walked through the woods and into a hut (pictured above). We waited outside until the next morning before finally approaching him with caution.

"I was absolutely shocked," Carter said. "I still can't believe he lives in a hut by the river."

When he spotted us, Del Rosso was sharpening a spear and wearing nothing but a loincloth. His beard had already grown back and he seemed startled to see that we discovered his whereabouts.

"It was almost as if he'd seen a ghost," said Carter. "I was worried he might attack us for a moment."

As if the situation wasn't peculiar enough, Del Rosso spoke in a strange, guttural tribal language. He would not address us in English, but he did show us around his residence. There was a small fire cackling next to his hut, where he had some squirrels and rabbits roasting for dinner.

"What really got me were his rock paintings," Carter said. "I had no idea that's how he accurately predicts the valley's weather."

On a large boulder next to his hut were a series of paintings (left) that seemed to reflect Del Rosso's weather forecasts. There were several drawings of the sun and moon, as well as depictions of various gods and goddesses from around the world.

After showing us his establishment, Del Rosso beckoned us toward the river, where he dove into the icy currents without hesitation. He resurfaced nearly a minute later with a fish in his mouth.

"You know something, that was the best fish fillet I've ever eaten in my entire life," said Carter as he drove us through Steubenville on the ride home.

We returned to the WTOV-9 studios the next weekend to discuss the visit with Del Rosso. He showed up to work looking as if nothing strange had happened. When we asked him to talk about the past weekend, he seemed bewildered.

"What on Earth are you talking about?" asked Del Rosso. "I live in a house in town. You must be mistaking me for someone else."

Later that day, the News 9 team stared in shock as a pair of salamanders escaped from Del Rosso's pocket and ran free in the studio.

ODOT Switches to Meters, Improves Cars' MPG Ratings in Ohio

COLUMBUS - In an unprecedented move yesterday, The Ohio Department of Transportation (ODOT) announced that it will now use the metric system to officially measure distances. Ohio becomes the first state in the country to join the majority of the world. ODOT Director Jerry Wray says that he decided to make the switch in order to make Ohio a better place to live.

"We took a long, hard look at current trends in the auto industry," said Wray. "It seems that the cars that sell the most are ones with something called a 'high m/pg rating'. So we figured that if we measure distances in meters instead of miles, that rating would go way up."

Wray's prediction turned out to be true. In a three month study conducted on cars crossing the Market Street Bridge (left) in Steubenville, vehicles leaving West Virginia and entering Ohio suddenly increased their m/pg rating by over one thousand. The opposite proved true for cars leaving the state.

"This is an absolutely remarkable discovery," said Leo Thomas, a professor of engineering at Franciscan University. "Generally cars that get 30 m/pg are considered to have a good fuel economy. A semi-truck averages about 6 m/pg in other states. When a tractor trailer crosses into Ohio, however, it shoots up to 9,656 m/pg!"

While the move provides the state with a much needed boost in fuel economy, many residents of the Ohio Valley have told us that they are worried about the distances between cities increasing.

"I work in Richmond," said Kathy Franklin, a woman who works in Richmond and lives in Steubenville. "And I live in Steubenville. The road sign that points to Richmond originally had a seven on it, now it says 11,265. Do you know how long it's going to take me to get there now?"

Wray noted that some people will be stuck in situations such as Franklin's.

"What used to be a 15-minute drive will now be an epic adventure across the valley," he said. "If she doesn't like it, she should check out our new logo (above)."

Local Prinicipal Regrets Approving The Hunger Games as School Play

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Principal Jim Rocchi says that he "made a terrible mistake" when he let the music teacher adapt Suzanne Collins' The Hunger Games into a school play. Parents of children at St. Clairsville Elementary School say that their kids were forced to brutally mutilate one another in front of a terrified audience.

"Granted, the portrayal of violence was simulated," said Rocchi. "The special effects crew we hired from Hollywood did a fantastic job for the most part."

A majority of parents didn't approve of 10-year-old Braden Robinson's gruesome performance as Cato, the bloodthirsty tribute from District 2. Robinson had to kill a total of six characters throughout the play, causing his mother a great deal of distress.

"All that fake blood stained his underwear," said Carrie Robinson. "No matter how much bleach I use it just won't come out."

Others mentioned being slightly off-put at how 5th grader Austin Cameron seemed to "really get into his role" as District 1's Marvel. We were also told that Cameron deviated from the script several times.

"I told him over and over again that he was not allowed to drink the blood of the fallen tributes," said music teacher Sharon Wright. "It was a liquid form of Jell-O and had way too much sugar in it for a child his age to be drinking."

This is not the first time that St. Clairsville Elementary has been called out for its choice in school plays. Last year's rendition of the 1984 film Red Dawn came under fire for many of the same reasons as this year's play, along with the fact that the school used actual terrorists who held the audience in a hostage situation for 13 weeks.

"It was a good show other than the fact that it was so long," recalled Gary Sellers, WTOV-9's 'Local School Play Critic'. "I really had to go to the bathroom but we weren't allowed to leave. Also, the concession stand ran out of food fairly early into the show. They should have anticipated that. I gave it three out of five stars."

Wright told us that she chose Red Dawn and The Hunger Games because many parents told her that the school's 2012 play, Romeo and Juliet, was too boring.

Sellers will release his review of this year's play tomorrow on News 9 midday.

Weir High Gives Out Handguns to Students to Protect Against School Shootings

WEIRTON - Following the arrest of a 15-year-old girl for entering the school with a loaded firearm on Wednesday, Hancock County school officials told OVN that they will not let an incident like this threaten the safety of their students. Starting today, students at Weir High will receive their very own sidearm to protect themselves in the event of a school emergency.

"The only thing that can stop a bad student with a gun is a good student with a gun," said Hancock County Superintendent Suzan Smith. "If a crazed student runs into a classroom with 20 kids inside, do you really think one armed teacher is enough to stop him? What do you think the odds are of him lasting long if every student in the room is pointing a gun at him?"

The decision was praised by every single person in Weirton; Smith received exactly 19,746 (equal to the 2010 census) emails showing support for her decision.

"Obviously there will have to be some gun safety classes added to our curriculum," Smith said. "Just this morning a student left school, got locked out and shot the lock off the front door to get back in. We also had an incident where a student could not get a teacher's attention, so she shot her gun into the ceiling."

Smith also mentioned that she predicts the guns to ameliorate the bullying problem at Weir High.

"Usually a student bullies another because he's bigger than they are," she said. "But having a handgun evens the playing field. We won't punish students for simply defending themselves."

She also said that the new program lets the district cut more jobs than originally thought was possible.

"We were able to fire our guidance counselor this morning," Smith said with a smile. "There simply isn't a need for her services anymore."

Students seemed to be excited about the new program when we interviewed them after school.

"I'm so happy that the school board did this," said senior Kelly Bishop. "Now if that slut Danielle makes another move towards my boyfriend she is so going to get it."

Students are allowed to select either the Heckler & Koch USP or the Glock 17, and can choose the color of their gun from either blue, green, red, yellow, pink or 'School Pride' (red and black with school logo) for an extra $5.

Big Red's Saccoccia Jealous He Didn't Receive Indictment

STEUBENVILLE - Big Red head football coach Reno Saccoccia told reporters today that he was upset that charges wouldn't be pressed against him as a result of the grand jury investigation into the 2012 rape case. Earlier today, Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine announced the names of four people who are being indicted, Steubenville City Schools Superintendent Michael McVey among them. A hysterical Saccoccia attended the press conference, and took the microphone after DeWine was finished speaking.

"I knew way more about the rape than any of these idiots did," said Saccoccia. "Didn't you read the text that Trent [Mays] sent me? I hid the freaking evidence!"

An assistant football coach, an assistant wrestling coach and a teacher at West Elementary are also being charged along with McVey. Saccoccia told us that he feels he should have done more to cover up the story.

"It's not fair," said Saccoccia. "Maybe I should have threatened the little girl into lying. Perhaps I could have tried to bribe [Jefferson County Prosecutor] Tom Straus. I didn't want to try too hard because if I did, this might not have made it court."

Although it remains unclear why Saccoccia wished to be indicted, he mentioned a motivational speech that he gave to the football team earlier this year.

"I told them that next year, I'll be watching the game from a jail cell," he said. "I won't be there with my boys, my second family. So you go out there and win one for me. Go out there and win one for Trent and Malik [Richmond]."

Now it seems that the football team will lack motivation going into next season. Still, the coach says he has to remain optimistic.

"This is going to make for one boring Thanksgiving," he said. "But I'll just have to put on a big smile and weather the storm."

Smithfield Mayor Disappointed by Failure of Space Program Levy

SMITHFIELD - Mayor Ted Boyd had a vision of the future when he took office in 2011. He had an idea that would bring jobs to the small town of Smithfield, which would also provide a much needed boost to its fledgling economy.

"When I was campaigning for mayor, I promised everyone that I would take the community in a whole new direction," Boyd said in an interview today. "I said I would take us upwards. The sky's the limit."

Unfortunately for Boyd, voters didn't seem to take his message literally.

"We spent two years gathering the resources and planning a budget," said Boyd. "I didn't think the enitre town would take 'Reach for the Void, Vote for Boyd' figuratively."

Perhaps that's why voters were shocked when city council proposed a $196 billion tax levy for the village of 896. Had the levy passed, tax payers would each have had to provide on average $282 million per year to construct a space center on the grounds of Friendship Park.

"Obviously, some people were a little upset about having to pay more tax money," said city councilman Rob Warner. "We're just going to have to campaign a little harder next year and work on our transparency in town hall meetings."

The levy failed by a count of 376-0. Boyd points to his failure to connect with minority voters and women as the primary reason.

"I think some people were worried that we weren't going to hire blacks or Hispanics," said Boyd. "That idea is asinine, we would have a huge need for custodians with a space program this big."

Shadyside to Outsource Students to China if Levy Fails

SHADYSIDE - Superintendent John Haswell says that Shadyside Local School District is out of money yet again, and if the levy on Tuesday's ballot does not pass, the results will be disastrous.

"If you do not vote for the levy, I will send your kids to China," said Haswell. "I'm not kidding this time."

The district has lost hundreds of thousands of dollars ever since voters decided to pass a law that allowed it gamble its budget on sporting events. Earlier this year, Haswell lost $50,000 of taxpayer money at the Belmont Stakes, betting for 30-1 long shot Midnight Taboo. Haswell has defended his gambling decisions, saying that other factors can be blamed for the financial mishaps.

"Our stupid school board voted to let the Student Council have control of our budget," said Haswell. "That didn't exactly turn out the way they expected it to."

Over the summer, the Student Council approved construction of an $18 million water park on the high school's campus. Class of 2014 President Kaylee Amoroso said that the water park should pay for itself in 20 years.

"Wheeling Park has one," said Amoroso. "They make money by charging people to get in. As long as we make a million dollars in profit every year, we'll be alright."

Haswell says that the district needs the money now and not later.

"After our losses from construction and betting, we had a budget of $453 this year," he said. "We've had to make a lot of cuts and layoffs. If it gets any worse, we'll have no other option than to send our students overseas."

China is currently paying American schools $2,500 for every student. Haswell says that selling children is the best route to take, because they will have less students to spend money on as well as more money in the bank.

"They won't really tell us what they want with our kids," Haswell said. "But they'll get better education over there anyhow so I could care less."

Polls open on this upcoming Tuesday, November 2.

Death Metal Band Behemoth Visits Sick Children at Wheeling Hospital

WHEELING - Playing music had been a lifelong dream of Allison Richland, a 10-year old from Warwood. Unfortunately, she lost the use of her most of her motor functions after a car accident left her paralyzed. Nine-year old Mitchell Reese of Wheeling Island had always wanted to attend a concert, but a battle with leukemia is forcing him to live in a hospital room. Stories such as these are all too common for the patients of Wheeling Hospital's Center for Pediatrics, some of whom are suffering from terminal conditions. Yesterday, however, the children received some unexpected visitors who brightened their spirits, if just for a moment.

Behemoth, a death metal band from Poland, played a show at Wes Banco Arena and heard about the children at Wheeling Hospital.

"I felt terrible when they told me about those poor kids," said lead singer Adam Darski. "It reminded me of the little girl from our music video for 'Lucifer'."

Darski gathered up the rest of his band and headed over to the hospital to visit the children after the show. The kids were gathered in their play room, and screamed in excitement when the band arrived, sporting their signature demonic clothing and face paint. The children screamed the for the entire duration of Behemoth's visit.

"They never stopped," said Darski, tears streaming down his face. "It was like they were at a real concert."

Behemoth played an acoustic show for the kids; Darski's deep, guttural growls and screams filled the air with melodies of hope and joy. Director Judy Romano said that she thought the meeting was a success.

"Little Allison wanted desperately to see Justin Bieber," said Romano. "But I think this nice rock band did a good job. She was crying the entire time. She must have really liked them."

Steubenville Terrorizes Citizens to Prepare for Halloween

STEUBENVILLE - Mayor Domenick Mucci told reporters that the nuclear bomb that went off earlier today was detonated by the fire department as part of the city's "Scare the 'S' out of Steubenville Week". The bomb exploded inside Belleview Park at noon, sending the entire town into a frenzy. Schools sent home students early and businesses shut down, fearing a terrorist invasion. Mucci says that the madness was worth the hassle.

"It was just marvelous," he said as he clapped his hands and hopped on his feet. "We've been having so much fun this week; I can't wait to show you guys what we have planned for tomorrow!"

The city council has been staging various crimes this week to create mass hysteria in the build up to this year's Halloween festivities. Two stabbings have already taken since Sunday, and Mucci says that things are just getting started.

"Tomorrow, we're going to send out undercover police officers to kidnap children on their way to school," Mucci (pictured left) said with a grin. "Imagine how terrified the kids are going to be! And the parents! It's going to be hilarious!"

So far, public reception of the charade has been overwhelmingly positive. Parents have said it makes their boring lives in small town Ohio that much more fun.

"I was crying like a little baby when I went to go pick up my 5-year old from school," said Debby Nardo, whose daughter attends Pugliese Elementary School. "I didn't know whether she was alive or dead. Then the news broke that the bomb was a joke and I couldn't help but laugh."

Critics, however, say that the city may be subject to liability lawsuits in the death of 38-year-old Martin Douglas, who was stabbed in a back alley by local volunteers.

"Yeah, the family's pretty upset with me right now," Mucci said. "But it's all in jest. One day they'll look back at this and laugh."

US Rt. 22 Will Add Loop-the-Loop

WEIRTON - In an effort to make commutes to Pittsburgh more amusing, the US Department of Transportation has said that it will begin remodeling US Rt. 22 between Weirton and Pittsburgh. The highway will now feature a variety of twists and turns resembling roller coasters. Officials say that boredom has caused drivers to fall asleep at the wheel, leading to hundreds of millions of deaths last week in West Virginia alone. DOT spokesman Randy Smith says that the move will make the highway much safer.

"The vertical loop and helix turns will force drivers to pay more attention to the road," said Smith. "It also makes it a heck of a lot more fun to drive to Pittsburgh now."

The 110-foot loop-the-loop will be the first addition to open, and will take approximately 34 years to build.

"We're trying to set the bar high for road construction times," said Smith. "The faster we get this done, the better."

Also, in order to safely make it through the loop without falling from the top, the speed limit has been increased from 65 mph to 475 mph. Additionally, a speed minimum has also been added at 350 mph.

"Truck drivers will really like what we've done for them," said Smith. "We tried really hard to see if tractor trailers would be able make it trough but it always ended in catastrophe. So to compensate, we'll also be building a ramp where drivers can jump over a 50-foot wide canyon."

When asked if the new truck ramp will be open to normal traffic in the case of some drivers perhaps being too scared to try the loop, Smith sounded indifferent.

"Well I suppose they could. But why wouldn't you want to try it?"

Jill's Gentleman's Club Adds 5,000 Sq. Ft. Kids Corner

TRIADELPHIA - Parents looking to spend a night

out don't have to worry about finding a babysitter for their annoying children any longer. Jill's Gentleman's Club completed construction of a 5,000 sq. ft. addition which will house the new Jill's Kids Corner.

"We're really excited about our new building," said Jill's spokeswoman Candy Bubbles. "We're expecting attendance to skyrocket now that parents can take their kids with them to the strip club."

The new building will host a variety of activities for children, including an arcade where tickets won at games can be traded in for prizes. 

"We're giving the kids a chance to win Jill's related merchandise," said Bubbles. "Oh nothing to inappropriate!" she added quickly. "Just some things they can play with to keep themselves busy."

Prizes that are being offered for the tickets include pairs of fuzzy handcuffs, video cameras, and inflatable dolls of their favorite pop stars.

"We have all sorts of other activities lined up too," Bubbles told us. "We have many different educational classes that we're sure kids will love."

Many of the kids selected for the trial run seemed to enjoy the classes at the Kid's Corner, which are taught by the club's exotic dancers.

"I really liked Ms. Kitty!" said 8-year old Madelyn Connors. "She told us all about how how she started working on the streets in Wheeling to help her family!"

Classes are usually about 45 minutes long. We sat in on a class called "The Art of Twerking", which featured a video of pop idol Miley Cyrus. Local parents said they were very enthusiastic about the club's decision to expand.

"It's about damn time," said Rufus Stillman of Beech Bottom. "I'm a single dad, and I don't have enough money to keep paying that idiot babysitter. Now I have enough to get drunk, get my lap dances, and have my little Kaylee somewhere where she's safe."

Kaylee, 14, said that her relationship with her father improved dramatically after he started taking her to Jill's.

"He used to get on me all the time and act like he was the boss of me," she said. "But now we hang out  together and I know what I want to do for the rest of my life."

Axl Rose Assures Interviewer that "Paradise City" is about Bloomingdale

NEW YORK CITY - In a recent interview with Rolling Stone magazine, rock star Axl Rose claimed that his 1988 hit song Paradise City is actually about Bloomingdale, Ohio. Rose told Rolling Stone writer Andy Greene that he and Slash were big fans of the small town along U.S. Route 22.

"Slash and I were kicking it in the back of the van when he started humming the tune," said Rose. "And I just started singing the words. It all just came naturally."

Rose says that the original lyrics to the song were drastically changed in the final product. He blames the record label for attempting to make the song more marketable.

"It originally went: 'Take me down to the paradise city where the girls are fat and they have big titties," he continued. "The label didn't think that mainstream culture would like that too much."

WTRF's News 7 Switches to Animation

WHEELING - Channel 7 has lived in the shadow of the more colorful, raunchier News 9 for many years, but station manager George Green vows to change that. On the station's 6 o'clock program, anchor Nate Fluharty announced Green's plan to make the switch to animated news.

"Starting in two months," Fluharty said. "7 News will be presented to you in the form of a cartoon featuring the cast of Comedy Central's Brickleberry. Our current staff of reporters and anchors will voice these characters."

The reaction was almost instant. People across the valley who could figure out social media vowed to make the change from WTOV to WTRF.

"I'l[l] acshully b[e] abel to pay attenshin too the news! [sic]" said 20 year-old Bryce Hall in a Facebook post. "It['s] ushully so boring. [sic]"

Laurie Conway, Jamie Ward, and Rachael Dierkes will take turns providing the voice for Ethel Anderson (blonde woman in picture), who will be the anchor for all hours that the news program airs. Ethel will be joined by Steve Williams (far left), who will be voiced by Nate Fluharty. Woody Johnson (center) will provide weather and features the harmonized voices of Dr. Dave Walker and Brian Davis. Denzel Jackson (the black one) will cover sports. Scott Nolte and Mike Anthony will provide his voice. Sara Yingling and Kelsey Kennedy will do the voice for Connie Cunaman (woman on right), and D.K. Wright will voice the grizzly bear cub named Malloy.

Jeff Oechslein Wins 'Jeff Oechslein Look-Alike Contest'

STEUBENVILLE - Jeff Oechslein won a record tenth straight 'Jeff Oechslein Look-Alike Contest' yesterday, making him the winner every year since the contest began in 2003. The meteorologist from WTOV 9 said that he never anticipated this kind of success.

"This all just feels like a dream," said Oechslein. "I mean, the camera adds a few pounds and that had me really worried this year."

The contest was held at Steubenville Big Red High School as part of the annual 'Rigatoni for Rwanda' event. Over fifteen people entered the contest, including one from every racial minority. Pedro Gonzalez won the coveted 'I Look Like a Mexican Jeff Oechslein' award.

"There's a lot of different minorities we could give an award for," said event organizer Douglas Brown. "But just imagine a Mexican Jeff Oechslein telling you about the weather in the Ohio Valley. It would be hilarious!"

Oechslein, however, will move on to the regional semifinals next week.

"I hope I can give a better performance than I did last year," said Oechslein.

At least year's Jeff Oechslein Look-Alike regional semifinals, Oechslein showed up hungover after a night of partying in downtown Cincinnati. Paparazzi took videos of the meteorologist standing on a table in a bar pretending to be a preacher. The videos showed him rambling on about stratus clouds for nearly three straight hours. Judges told the media that Oechslein "wasn't looking like himself". Oechslein finished a disappointing third.

"Of course, the big goal this year is to knock off that rascal Anderson Cooper," Oechslein said. "That's the final challenge."

Cooper won the national award last year, replacing defending champion Al Roker. Oechslein has won the national prize six times.

Edison Local Replaces Buses with Bicycles

RICHMOND - In an effort to cut costs and reduce emissions, Edison Local School District is discontinuing its school bus program. Instead, students will be provided with school-owned bicycles. Superintendent Dave Quattrochi told us that he thinks the new program will have multiple benefits for the school, and for the students.

"We are actually able to lay off more bus drivers than we originally planned to," said Quattrochi. "Another person we were able to fire was our gym teacher because our students are getting proper exercise before and after school. It really frees up our budget for more important things."

The $975,000 increase in the district's budget means that the school board will finally be able to move forward with the long delayed action of giving themselves a raise.

"My daughter's sweet sixteen birthday party is next month," said board member Kathy Clark. "I'm just super excited that we'll be able to throw her a birthday party in the Bahamas with all her friends."

Tensions between the board and some of the fired bus drivers came to a breaking point after driver Dave McCormack lashed out on Twitter.

"My son's thirteenth birthday party is in two weeks," he tweeted. "All I can afford to get him is a toy truck from Goodwill. #stupidbitch"

Clark is now filing a lawsuit against Mr. McCormack for sexism.

Parents, however, are reportedly very happy about the school's new plan.

"Now I don't have to worry if that stupid kid caught the bus or not," said Irondale resident Glen Mustaine. "If she wakes up late, then it's her own damn fault. She can take herself to school."

The fourteen mile bike ride to Richmond takes his daughter Hannah roughly three and a half to four hours to complete. Hannah said that usually wakes up at about 3 A.M. and leaves a half hour later.

"And the ride back usually takes her longer, so she gets home at about 7," her father said. "She has to get right to bed when she comes home though. That way she gets her full eight hours of sleep for the next school day."

New Local Company Offers Bottled River Water

MARTINS FERRY - A new company has opened up on the banks of the Ohio River, bringing some much needed jobs to the area. Ohio River Water (right) will hit store shelves this Friday, offering valley residents the chance to taste the very water from which their area gets its name. We listened in as the company held a press conference this morning.

"We here at Ohio River Water are very proud to bring you this product," said company spokesperson Lester Yates. "Ohio River Water is bottled right here in Martins Ferry, without the needless filtering or distillation that leading corporate brands go through!"

Yates said that without the filtering, the water will have a distinct flavor that can only be found in the Ohio Valley.

"The great Ohio River makes its way into our valley flowing from Pittsburgh," Yates continued. "It flows into Weirton carrying all of the minerals from the steel mills. From there it moves on, collecting waste water from the mills in Steubenville as well as the coke plant in Follansbee. Then it arrives in Brilliant where it mixes with whatever that stuff is that comes from the Cardinal plant. After that, it makes its way past Rayland, where coal is spilled into it from the other side of the river. Finally, it goes through the dam in Yorkville, collecting a bunch of things that get stuck in there. We're bringing you refreshment you won't find anywhere else!"

It should also be noted that Cross Creek runs into the river as well, which of course carries the run-off water containing the Satralloy plant (left) flavor as well. Most valley residents live near a creek that empties into the Ohio River, so nobody north of Martins Ferry should be left out. Test groups sampled the water last month, where a select few had the chance to try the new beverage before it hit the market.

"It was unlike anything I've ever put in my mouth," said Wendy Dahmer, a prostitute from Wheeling. "I can't believe nobody's thought of this before."

"It goes through your digestive system immediately," said Paula Bundy, a stay-at-home mom. "Being a soccer mom means I don't have much time to take bathroom breaks, so it's nice to be able to know exactly when I need to make a pit stop."

Yates said that he expects the new water to be a massive success.

"It is delicious," he said as he removed a plastic wrapper from his mouth. "And it's not like it even costs us a lot to produce. We don't filter it and we don't even have to buy the plastic bottles! There's enough floating around in the river already so we just use those!"

Ohio River Water will be sold at most major gas stations and retailers, and will be set up on display at the front of many stores for the next two weeks.

OVN Local Medley Issue #3

• Road crews are cleaning up on Route 2 in Brooke County after a Water Transport truck spilled water all over the road.

• Sistersville Mayor Dave Fox is resigning from office, saying he can't deal with the boredom any longer.

• Hopedale Elementary school was evacuated today after a bomb threat written in crayon was found in a restroom.

• An illegal dump site is still being cleaned up in Dillonvale. However, authorities can not seem to stop people from returning to the site to defecate.

• A new study done in Jefferson County shows that children don't like being screamed at after all.

• Joseph Yurigan, operator of the Weirton Chiropractic Center and the Wheeling Spine Center, was sentenced to two years in prison for practicing chiropractic therapy on unsuspecting pedestrians.

• 16 Jalontay Johnson will be tried as an adult after he accidentally stabbed his friend 25 times in a game of 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey' gone wrong.

• A Tyler County man is being accused of chasing his family around the house with a can of Axe deodorant. His wife and children say their right to smell bad was infringed.

• Liverpool Township was awarded a $30,000 grant to repair John Campbell Road. The road has been impassable for 5 years, leaving at least eight families completely cut off from the outside world. Trustee Karl Kontnier says the rest of Columbiana County is welcome to gamble on whether or not the people are even still alive.

• Wellsville fire chief Bill Smith's certification has come into question after his questionable firefighting techniques became public. A viral video shows Smith attempting to put out a house fire by peeing on it.

• New data shows that West Virginia schools are successfully failing math and science classes as planned. Child support and  home brewing scores are at an all-time high.

Creepy Steubenville Man Opens Free Candy Store Inside House

STEUBENVILLE - Some people call it a recession, but that's not stopping 47 year-old Owen Schottenheimer (right) from fulfilling his lifelong dream of opening his own candy shop. Schottenheimer has lived on Steubenville's Sunset Blvd. for his entire life, and is committed to giving back to his community.

"I'm hoping that our location will be perfect for, uh, business," said Schottenheimer. "I set this up so kids could stop here for some free candy on their commute to school."

The candy shop will be located inside Schottenheimer's house, which is just under a half mile from Catholic Central High School.

"It's a bit of good luck for me," said Shottenheimer as he laughed and sipped a steaming cup of simple syrup. "Technically I'm not allowed to live within two thousand feet of the school."

The store, aptly named Free Candy, will open its doors this Friday. According to a list of rules posted on Schottenheimer's door, children may not bring their parents inside.

"I don't want the parents of these children to tell them they can't have any of my sweets," Schottenheimer told us. "It would just break their little hearts."

Mr. Schottenheimer said that he couldn't show us his candy selection until the store opens because he didn't want to ruin the surprise. He did give us a bit of a hint, however.

"Lollipops," he said, blushing. "Nice, tasty, sensational, delectable, delicious, savory lollipops."

Buckeye Local Enrolls 435 Pound Silverback Gorilla

RAYLAND - Residents of southern Jefferson county are buzzing with excitement after hearing that the Buckeye Local Panthers will be adding a new foreign exchange student from the Democratic Republic of the Congo named 'Spanky' (right) to their football team. The Panthers have been scrambling to find a spark in their offense after losing their first two games by a combined score of 85-6. Head Coach Phil Pest told Ohio Valley News that he thinks the transition will be seamless.

"We don't really have that much of a complicated playbook," said Pest. "It won't be hard for him to learn it by this weekend."

Pest also said that his sideline ques should resemble what Spanky is used to communicating with in the wild.

"We utilize a system of hand signals that he should recognize," said Pest as he demonstrated beating on his chest with his fists.

Spanky is currently expected to play running back in the Panthers' upcoming game at John Marshall. However, some parents are worried about their children's safety after the gorilla sent sophomore wide receiver Tyler Pruitt to the hospital.

"We've been practicing some run plays by giving Spanky the ball and having a teammate lead him to the end zone with a banana," Pest said. "Unfortunately Spanky gets overzealous sometimes."

The 16 year-old Pruitt is currently in stable condition after being beaten off of the sideline fence and hurled into the grandstands of World War II Memorial Stadium.

Local Baby Vows to Give All Birthday Presents to Charity

ST. CLAIRSVILLE - Gordon Hewitt and his wife Lynda sure were surprised when they heard their son David say that he would like to give up his birthday presents, especially because the presents were for his very first birthday.

"I was shocked," said Gordon. "But then again he always has been the most caring little guy I've ever known."

David told his parents that he would like to give the presents to the American Red Cross and donate his birthday money to the Martins Ferry Presbyterian Church.

"I was a little sad to see him get rid of the new baseball and glove we got him," the boy's father said. "We were gonna go outside today and toss the ball around but I guess that will have to wait until next year."

His mother Lynda was still crying hysterically from being proud when we arrived for an interview, so we weren't able to get any decipherable statements from her. The family's relatives told us that they were a little skeptical of the claims made the Hewitts.

"I haven't even heard the kid talk yet," said Poderick Payne, the boy's grandfather. "I bought him a sawed-off shotgun so I could teach him how to hunt, not so he could give it away to some stupid dirtball kid."

The boy received an honorary citizens award from the St. Clairsville city council, but the boy gave that away to helpless children who didn't have the means to help other children.

WTOV9 Nominated for Lamest News Pulitzer

STEUBENVILLE - News 9 has been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize once again for 'Lamest News Coverage'. The announcement came at about 4:00 ET for their coverage of a coyote running around in Steubenville (right). Residents commented that they weren't all that surprised to see a fairly common animal in a town like Steubenville.

"It really wasn't doing anything," said some guy we talked to. "It just sat there letting this dog bark at it. I hoped to see more action."

According to those in charge of handing out the Pulitzer, News 9 wasted valuable resources in order to cover the story. They also obstructed officials from the Ohio Division of Wildlife when they told them not to remove the animal until they got there "so they could watch." Reporter Aly Cohen told OVN that she feels like her skills would be better utilized elsewhere.

"I work too hard to waste my time covering the things WTOV considers newsworthy," said Cohen. "Last week they told me to sit down by the river and wait for this guy to catch a fish so I could interview him about it."
The Pulitzer Prize people say that the story reminded them of last year's winner, a Japanese news station's coverage of a giant lizard running amok in Tokyo. Columbia University professors (the people who do the Pulitzer thing we've been talking about) say that story won last year because they couldn't understand what the Japanese news anchors were trying to say, and that salamanders being spotted in cities is a pretty common thing.

"We're having a yard sale over on North Fourth street," said a woman in Steubenville when we asked her about the announcement.

Animal Rights Groups Make Big Deal About Oglebay Letting Kids Slaughter Zoo Animals

WHEELING - The Good Zoo at Oglebay recently came under scrutiny from PETA, the ALF, liberals and other animal rights groups after the zoo announced plans for its newest exhibit. On Monday a spokesperson for Oglebay Resort told reporters that starting this summer, families will have the option to buy a pass that lets them eat any animal in the zoo. Tickets start at $150 each and were available to pre-order following the announcement. Sales set a new record previously held by Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II. Still, despite the enthusiasm shown locally, criticism quickly sprang up from around the nation. PETA president Ingrid Newkirk is traveling to Charleston to petition the state to put a stop to what Oglebay is dubbing the 'Animal BBQ' experience. This will be Newkirk's 47th visit to the West Virginia state capital this year alone.

"This is an outrage to animal lovers everywhere," said Newkirk. "This zoo is teaching our children how to lie and deceive animals into subjecting themselves to the dinner table."

The process of lying and deceiving that Ms. Newkirk refers to is part of the zoo's already existing 'Animal Encounters' package, where children can enter the exhibits and help the zookeepers train and feed the animals.

"We decided to include the 'Animal Encounters' package with the 'Animal BBQ' package for various reasons," said Clyde Donovan, a zoo manager. "The biggest reason we wanted to do this was to develop a relationship between the guest and the animal before the slaughtering. This helps the animal trust the guest, which is especially useful if you purchase the deluxe package."

The deluxe version of the 'Animal BBQ' package, priced at $175, lets visitors kill the zoo animal themselves by using a meat cleaver. For an additional $10 on top of the deluxe package, you have the option of choosing how you end the animal's life; using a shotgun, katana, lethal injection and running the animal over with a Jeep are just a few of the options available.

"For children under twelve it's required that they use a .22 caliber rifle," said Donovan. "They won't be strong enough to kill the animal swiftly otherwise and the shotgun might kick a little too hard for them."

Donovan says that families who purchase the package will be able to witness the entire process, from skinning to butchering then cooking.

"We wanted our guests to get the full experience," Donovan said proudly. "They'll be able to enjoy the freshest meat they will ever taste, as well as getting the opportunity to chow down on some animals that might not be around much longer."

Also announced on Monday was the zoo's decision to add many new exhibits of endangered species such as the Siberian Tiger, which brings speculation that the new animals will also be available to slaughter and consume. However, Donovan and Oglebay refused to elaborate any further.

"You'll just have to buy your tickets and see," said Donovan with a wink.

OVN Local Medley Issue #2

• Authorities in Bellaire say that Misty Rivero may have just saved an elementary school from tragedy. Rivero says that when she was dropping off her daughter, she noticed a Muslim man walking down the street. Rivero quickly called police and the man was arrested.

• The Boy Scouts of America hosted their annual Pinewood Derby at the Fort Steuben Mall last Saturday. 9 time winner Eagle Scout Dennis Douglas is now under investigation for using performance enhancing drugs.

• A homicide investigation has been opened in Tuscarawas County after police found a man's body in Conotton Creek. No hard evidence has been recovered yet but police did bring in a 25 pound carp for questioning.

• Wheeling Jesuit University hosted their annual prom dress re-sale event last week. As usual, none of the dresses sold due to the dresses being "so last season."

• Jefferson County commissioners voted this week to buy the downtown Steubenville Towers Building. The purchase was made on ebay for $750,000 plus $36 million for shipping and handling.

• Thomas Gyorko of Glen Dale is behind bars after he got into a fight with a woman over her cell phone. Police say that Gyorko used the phone's battery to bludgeon the woman over the head. Gyorko is being charged with 'assault with a battery'.

• Volunteers in Wheeling organized an event to give out free portraits in Wheeling to 'Share the Love'. Kindergartners from Wheeling Central captured moments for families who could not afford prints.

• Firefighters in St. Clairsville responded to a distress call on Bret Mar Lane on Monday. Authorities say that the firefighters bravely rescued a cat from a 45 feet tall pine tree.

• A Belmont County man is behind bars after being accused of soliciting sex acts from animals. Christopher Harding of Shadyside has been charged with gross and nasty sexual imposition after trying to get a cow to mate with cat.

• The Belmont County sheriff's department is investigating a case in Barnesville after a woman saw a man fleeing her home with her pet goldfish. The woman is offering a reward for any info.

• Weirton police need your help tracking down two men from a surveillance video at Holiday Lanes. The video was from a hidden camera in the bathroom showing the two drunken men stumbling around and peeing on the floor. Police submitted the video to America's Funniest Home Videos where it won first prize. The officers say they want to share the purse with the subjects in the video.

• The Small Business Development Center of Ohio and the Jefferson County Chamber of Commerce jointly held a seminar for local small business to help them better understand new tax laws and regulations. Organizers decided to 'spice things up' and fill the seminar with raunchy sexual innuendo to keep attendees from falling asleep or dying from boredom.

• Desare Bryant, 20, of Wheeling admitted in court to breaking into his own house and stealing various belongings. Bryant has been sentenced to prison for 3 to 45 years.

• The Wheeling-Ohio County Health Department is warning people to be cautious about people going door-to-door selling human meat without a health permit. The Health Department claims that human meat is very fatty and can cause gas when not treated properly.

• Trinity Health System held their annual Heartland event on Thursday at the Fort Steuben Mall. Local residents were encouraged to donate their hearts to people who needed heart transplant surgery.

• Officials in Wellsburg say that there will be a planned water outage on Friday. Residents are being told to use the bathroom in the Ohio River as well as bathe there while they work on the water lines.

• Urichsville police have apprehended 3 people who have reportedly stolen thousands of dollars from Tuscarawas County stores. The 3 are being accused of going store to store taking from the 'Take a Penny, Leave a Penny' dishes.

• Moundsville police are looking for a man who broke into Paree Insurance on Lafayette Avenue. The man broke in and stole the complimentary coffee and Dum-Dums suckers.

• A cement truck overturned on US Route 22 near Wintersville. The cement poured onto the roadway and filled several potholes.

• Crews in Wheeling are working on a building after bricks started falling from it. An emergency demolition has been ordered for the building amid concerns for the safety of the workers in the cocaine ring inside.

Archaeologists Still Determined to Find Dinosaur Fossils Along State Route 7

BRILLIANT - State Route 7 has been reduced to one lane near Brilliant since March of 2011 due to excavation crews working on the hillside. At a recent meeting with the Jefferson County Board of Trustees, researchers from the Smithsonian Institution told frustrated motorists that they would just have to be patient.

"We understand that the project is taking a long time," said Wally Dupree, who is leading the excavation. "But we're out there looking for dinosaur bones, it's not like we can just dig the whole hillside out."

The Smithsonian first arrived in Brilliant two years ago, when a local Boy Scout troop claimed that they discovered an Archaeopteryx fossil. The US government then claimed eminent domain on the hillside and the Smithsonian has been digging ever since.

"We dug up some sandstone on the very first day," Dupree said. "That's a good sign because we've found Spinosaurus and Giraffititan fossils in sandstone before. In fact, we've found sandstone every day since we first began; we have to be getting close."

Local residents have started to express doubt that the researchers will ever find the fossils.

"Them guys up there are just using toothbrushes and little garden shovels and some of them chisel things [sic]," said Rush Run resident Marlon Higgins.

"What the indigenous Valley people don't realize is that we need to be careful," Dupree said in response to the criticism. "We can't risk accidentally breaking one of the fossils."

The dig also came under fire late last year when the supposed Archaeopteryx fossil was discovered to actually be fossilized chicken remains. The Smithsonian still retains that the fossil is in fact an Archaeoptryx specimen after storing in a safety deposit box.

"The government's been covering up stuff like this for years," said Higgins. "They're lying to us so they can charge us more taxes to fund their stupid little dig."

Route 7 is scheduled to reopen to two full lanes in November of this year.

Tim Tebow Traded to St. John Central

BELLAIRE - Call the luck of the Irish if you will, but you cannot deny the negotiating genius of second year head coach Jason Merryman of Bellaire's St. John Central football team. On Saturday, the Irish concluded talks with the New York Jets to trade field goal holder Robbie Dunleavy for quarterback Tim Tebow. Tebow is coming off a terrific year warming the bench for Mark Sanchez and Greg McIlroy, a role he hopes he can perform better at St. John's. Tebow also believes that St. John's will be able to better utilize his Christianity abilities as well, something he struggled with in New York.

"I'm really excited for the opportunity to play for the Irish," said an overjoyed Tebow at yesterday's press conference. "St. John's has its own on-site church, which to me is more important than any other factor right now."

On the other side of the deal sits Dunleavy, who did not show much enthusiasm in playing for Rex Ryan's team. Dunleavy will be taken away from his parents and must now live in an apartment by himself in New Jersey. The 6'9", 117 pound freshman currently struggles with anorexia, and coach Ryan thinks that will be an important factor when Dunleavy makes the transition.

"We're planning on moving Robbie to starting tailback," Ryan told reporters. "He's so skinny that you can barely see him, so we're thinking that he might be able to score a touchdown every time he gets the ball."

The 14 year-old Dunleavy also has complications from a botched heart transplant, which Ryan thinks will also work to Dunleavy's advantage.

"It's going to make defenders scared to hit him if they even see him," Ryan said with a slight grin. "If they hit him too hard then he'll die, and I'm pretty sure [NFL commissioner] Goodell's got a hefty fine for that."

When asked whether or not Dunleavy will even want to play for the Jets due to the heavy odds against him, Ryan said that he doesn't think it will concern him.

"He doesn't understand that," Ryan laughed. "He has autism."

"I'll be praying for him," Tebow said when asked about Dunleavy.

Local Gang Worried that Obama Will Take Guns Hosts Turf War Fundraiser

STEUBENVILLE - Notorious Steubenville gang the Chicago Boys (right) will be taking to the streets today to raise money for their upcoming turf war over Historic North Fourth Street. The neighborhood is currently occupied by two different rival gangs and the Chicago Boys hope to change that by next weekend. Gang leader DeSean Meyers says that membership is up, but they need supplies to accommodate the new recruits.

"Yeah man I ain't never seen nothing like it," said Meyers. "[Every]body wants to join up but we ain't got enough guns or do-rags for everyone."

Unfortunately for the Chicago Boys, gun prices have recently skyrocketed due to increased demand. Meyers and his gang blame the price hike on president Barack Obama.

"I'll tell you what it is," Meyer explained. "It's that damned Obama. He's coming after our guns, man. And when he does, me and the boys will be waiting."

In response to the increased gun prices, the gang will be hosting several fundraisers around Steubenville today.

"We got a lot of people now," said veteran member LaQuinton Bowers. "So many that we can basically have every kind of fundraiser you can think of. There's numerous ways we can choose to earn funds."

The Boys will be hosting a bake sale at St. Peter's Church (left) on North Fourth, where they plan to sell an assortment of brownies and sugar-coated candies.

"That sugar make you real good man," said Bowers. "Real talk. Don't even get me started on them brownies. You'll be happy."

Each bag of brownies will also come with a free bag of Munchies snack mix. Along with the bag sale, the Chicago Boys will be having tag day as well as a rummage sale.

"I've been practicing my best tag day lines to convince people to donate," said Meyers. "Right now my favorite is: 'Give me all the money bitch!' I say that and show them my gun, that way they know where the money's going."

As for the rummage sale, the Chicago Boys will be selling a large collection of glassware. Most of the items will be vases such as the one on the right. Also being sold is a number of herbs and spices, some purses and wallets, assorted music CDs and auto parts such as hub caps.

OVN Local Medley Issue #1

• Kevin Strope, 53, of Cameron pleaded guilty to animal cruelty charges after many of his cows died from malnourishment. Judge Mark Karl decided against banning Strope from owning cows. His privileges will instead be suspended for 80 years, allowing him to own cows again when he breaks the old age record at 133.

• A 2 year-old girl who went missing from Preston County, WV was reportedly found safe at the Washington County shopping center in Pennsylvania. According to reports, the girl was missing for half an hour when police found her with her babysitter at the mall. The girl's mother called police after the babysitter didn't answer the phone when she was at work.

• A string of burglaries continued in Newell, WV this week. Police say that vandals broke in to the abandoned concession stand at Newell Memorial Field. Residents were outraged to learn that the thieves stole a bag of chips fifteen years past expiration.

• A Steubenville man's bond was set at $100,000 dollars after being charged with intimidating a witness. The man, Fred McShan, told reporters that he will raise the money by way of a bake sale.

• Westley Bowling of Toronto was arrested for violating his house arrest. Police say that he left his premises and tried to act like he was helping an 11-year old girl who had been run over by a car. 

• A Wetzel County teacher was suspended for a month without pay earlier this week for not following the school's code of conduct. The teacher reportedly told a student to work on his punctuality instead of screaming at him for being tardy.

• Former Water and Sewer Clerk for Smithfield Katherine Staten was indicted this week after claims that the town's water tasted 'fishy'.

• Catholic Charities of West Virginia said that that they are close to reaching their fundraising goals for their annual Mardi Gras celebration. The charity will provide local poor people a chance to get drunk, gamble and engage in as much 'dangerous' activity as possible just like everyone else celebrating the holiday.

• Police say that Derek Bradshaw and Charles Heathcote were arrested after robbing a home in Bellaire. Investigators say that the homeowner chased the burglars across multiple state lines on foot before police caught up with the group in New Jersey.

• The ringleader of the Amish beard and hair cutting attacks was sentenced to 15 years in prison this week. The aptly named Samuel Mullet will spend more time in prison than some people have for murder, rape, theft and kidnapping. "That will show them," said Judge Dan Aaron Polster.

• Wellsville residents said that they're happy police have shut down a 'nuisance' bar on Main St. Police say that local residents were complaining about the bar playing 'Sweet Home Alabama' on repeat every night.

• The Marshall County Health Department has voted to ban smoking in public outdoor areas. Officials say that they are tired of the fire department being called for false alarms when people mistake the smoke for house fires.