Massive Wheeling Traffic Light Causing Concerns

WHEELING - Residents of Wheeling are speaking out against what they say is a major inconvenience to daily life. The 300-foot-tall traffic light on Chapline Street is said to blind drivers and cast a glaring red, yellow or green glow across the city.

"It's a really confusing intersection," said (recently resurrected from the dead) mayor Andy McKenzie. "Plus, you have to think about the people around that spot. You have students late for classes at West Virginia Northern and crazy fitness junkies from Centre Town flying through there. It's a bad recipe."

McKenzie said he hoped that with a larger traffic light, drivers would notice red lights more often. What happened instead has caused an uproar.

"I can't even fall asleep at night because that light shines right through my bedroom window," said Paula Smith of Powhatan Point. "I don't think people north of Wheeling even realize how bright it is."

View from Chapline St.

Each signal emits a beam nearly twice as powerful as the Luxor Hotel beam in Las Vegas. At approximately 74 billion candela, they are tied with one another as the brightest beams of light in the world. Completed in 2013, the lights cost taxpayers roughly $96 an hour to operate.

While McKenzie says drivers are safer now that they can see the signal, commuters through the city have said otherwise.

"Oh I could see the signal all right," said Betsy Ginsburg as her car sank into Big Wheeling Creek. "But it doesn't help if it's literally the only thing I see."

On the other hand, supporters of the traffic light say that it is invaluable during the winter.

"Look at the rest of the valley," said Doug Crenshaw at Coleman's Fish Market. "It's been single digit weather out there and in Wheeling it's been 82 all week. How can you say no to that?"

Some citizens are very serious, however, going as far as asking the local Al-Qaeda branch for help. Al-Qaeda refused, calling the traffic signal a "protected holy site". City council has agreed to listen to complaints, however, many members have shown indifference to the matter.

"A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of a sheep," said Don Atkinson.

The city council meeting will take place 10 minutes from right now.

Wheeling Mayor Andy McKenzie Drowns in Ice Bucket Challenge Accident

WHEELING - A charity event held at Heritage Port in Wheeling turned tragic when mayor Andy McKenzie got his head stuck in a 5-gallon bucket and drowned in front of terrified onlookers.

The event was supposed to help raise awareness for Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig's disease.

"This was supposed to be a great day for the city," said councilman Eugene Fahey. "We even brought in Stephen Hawking to speak about his own battle with the condition."

Famed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking spoke to the crowd before taking part in the "Ice Bucket Challenge" himself.

"Well, we didn't really tell him what we were going to do," said Fahey. "Sheriff Pat Butler just ran up behind him with the bucket and dumped it on him."

The water caused Hawking's computer to explode, sending him to the hospital with severe burns and destroying his latest research.

"Everybody keeps looking at me like I'm some kind of jerk," Butler told reporters. "But he's paralyzed from the neck down. I'm sure he didn't feel a thing."

The event ended abruptly when Mayor McKenzie decided to take part in the challenge himself.

"Andy wanted to use his own water because he doesn't trust the water from the city lines," said Fahey. "But the ice he was using melted on the way over so we put his bucket in the freezer."

That decision proved deadly, as the surface of the water froze creating a layer of ice on the top of the bucket.

"Sheriff Butler tried to dump it on him, but it was frozen on top and the water wouldn't come out," Fahey continued. "So he just shoved the whole bucket down on Andy's head and he couldn't get it back off."

The break in the ice refroze around the mayor's neck, trapping him inside.

"I pried the bucket off after about 15 minutes," said Butler. "I would have gotten it off sooner but I really had to use the restroom."

Sheriff Butler attempted to use CPR, but failed to resuscitate the mayor.

"We're not really allowed to give mouth-to-mouth in West Virginia," said Butler. "It's too gay, so I went over to my car and got my air compressor."

McKenzie was pronounced dead at 2:34 p.m. Memorial services have not yet been scheduled, but Butler says he will help McKenzie finish the challenge at the showing.

"We made a promise to the city of Wheeling to leave no job undone," said Butler. "I know Andy would have wanted this. So I'll dump the water on his body myself in his honor."

Dasani in Water Lines Gives Local Family $3,200 Water Bill

WHEELING - A mistake at the Wheeling Water Department has left one local man with an astronomical water bill. Wheeling officials noticed that their drinking water started to taste a little "funky" earlier this month, and finally realized that they had been drinking the water from the city's water treatment plant that was meant for disposal. Mayor Andy McKenzie said that the city building's drinking water went to an unintended destination.

"We accidentally sent all of our Dasani water some guy's house," he said. "He's been peeing in Dasani, washing dishes with Dasani and taking his showers in Dasani. It's pretty funny."

Anthony Parsons (pictured) is not too pleased.

"I can't pay $3,200 for a water bill" he said. "I'm not a millionaire."

Mayor McKenzie said that the mistake is technically Parsons' fault.

"He's the one who is a citizen of Wheeling," said McKenzie. "And the citizens of Wheeling elect their own officials and pay the salaries of everyone here. He's technically our boss, so it's his problem not ours."

McKenzie also said that Parsons should have known not to desecrate the city's cherished Dasani supply.

"If he wasn't so stupid, he would have realized that the water he was showering in was too crisp to be city water," he said. "But he crapped in it anyway. It's not the water department's fault that he did that."

Wheeling Legalizes Prostitution For Valentine's Day Only

WHEELING - Mayor Andy McKenzie says that he wants everybody in Wheeling to be able to enjoy Valentine's Day equally. On February 14, prostitution will be legal for anyone within city limits.

"The idea came to me when I was browsing the internet a couple nights ago," said McKenzie. "I saw this advertisement that there were a lot lonely moms in my area that were ready to go at it. I felt bad for them, so we're going to do them a special Valentine's Day favor."

McKenzie said that while the practice is usually unorganized, customers will still be required to pay sales taxes on the prostitutes.

"We've been handing out these Intuit credit card readers to every prostitute in Wheeling," he said. "That way we can properly keep track of every transaction. It will basically be like they are employees of the city for a day."

The credit card readers will allow the city to get creative with the offer.

"We're looking at running some kind of prostitute rewards program," McKenzie said. "We don't know exactly what we're going to offer just yet, but there will definitely be a buy one get one half off deal. Also, if you spend over $50 this year you'll earn points towards next year's event."

Several companies have already announced their involvement with the event. For instance, Apollo Pro Cleaning & Restoration will be providing free cleanup services, while Enterprise Rent-A-Car will offer discounted car rentals with certain bundles.