New Local Company Offers Bottled River Water

MARTINS FERRY - A new company has opened up on the banks of the Ohio River, bringing some much needed jobs to the area. Ohio River Water (right) will hit store shelves this Friday, offering valley residents the chance to taste the very water from which their area gets its name. We listened in as the company held a press conference this morning.

"We here at Ohio River Water are very proud to bring you this product," said company spokesperson Lester Yates. "Ohio River Water is bottled right here in Martins Ferry, without the needless filtering or distillation that leading corporate brands go through!"

Yates said that without the filtering, the water will have a distinct flavor that can only be found in the Ohio Valley.

"The great Ohio River makes its way into our valley flowing from Pittsburgh," Yates continued. "It flows into Weirton carrying all of the minerals from the steel mills. From there it moves on, collecting waste water from the mills in Steubenville as well as the coke plant in Follansbee. Then it arrives in Brilliant where it mixes with whatever that stuff is that comes from the Cardinal plant. After that, it makes its way past Rayland, where coal is spilled into it from the other side of the river. Finally, it goes through the dam in Yorkville, collecting a bunch of things that get stuck in there. We're bringing you refreshment you won't find anywhere else!"

It should also be noted that Cross Creek runs into the river as well, which of course carries the run-off water containing the Satralloy plant (left) flavor as well. Most valley residents live near a creek that empties into the Ohio River, so nobody north of Martins Ferry should be left out. Test groups sampled the water last month, where a select few had the chance to try the new beverage before it hit the market.

"It was unlike anything I've ever put in my mouth," said Wendy Dahmer, a prostitute from Wheeling. "I can't believe nobody's thought of this before."

"It goes through your digestive system immediately," said Paula Bundy, a stay-at-home mom. "Being a soccer mom means I don't have much time to take bathroom breaks, so it's nice to be able to know exactly when I need to make a pit stop."

Yates said that he expects the new water to be a massive success.

"It is delicious," he said as he removed a plastic wrapper from his mouth. "And it's not like it even costs us a lot to produce. We don't filter it and we don't even have to buy the plastic bottles! There's enough floating around in the river already so we just use those!"

Ohio River Water will be sold at most major gas stations and retailers, and will be set up on display at the front of many stores for the next two weeks.