President Obama Ready to Perform at Jamboree in the Hills

MORRISTOWN - Following weeks of preparation, President Barack Obama announced that he is confident he will be able to please the crowd with his upcoming performance at Jamboree in the Hills.

"I have OK'd this with Michelle," said Obama. "I've been practicing a few Elvis tunes to sing to her every now and then, and I can't wait to head out to Morristown, Ohio and give those folks what they came to see!"

Obama's performance will be supplemented with a guest appearance by the Ohio Valley's own Brad Paisley. The duo will perform Paisley's 2013 song 'Accidental Racist' together.

"It's the ultimate honor," said Paisley. "When I wrote that song, I hoped that it would help dissipate a little bit of the racism I've grown accustomed to in the Ohio Valley. Now, with this performance, we can finally end discrimination once and for all."

Obama has made his set list available to view on the White House's official website. Notable songs include Lynyrd Skynyrd's 'The Ballad of Curtis Loew', Taylor Swift's 'Love Story' and 'Football Friday Night' by Joe Zelek. He will also perform his own rendition of a certain Garth Brooks song with different lyrics and a different title, which Obama has dubbed 'Friends in High Places'.

The Secret Service was initially skeptical, according to reports. However, after interviewing residents around the valley, the anxiety seems to have subsided.

"You know, I haven't exactly been this president's biggest fan," said St. Clairsville native Clint Sawyer. "But me and my friends are very open-minded people and we're looking forward to the show!"

GOP Dads Will Hold Seminar to Explain Constitution and Obama Impeachment

WINTERSVILLE - Local Super PAC Ohio Fathers Without Government. Kill The Act! (OFWGKTA) will hold a seminar to explain why President Barack Obama should be impeached. The event will take place Friday at St. Florian Hall at 7 p.m. Event organizer Ralph Brown says that the presentation will bring forth a plethora of reasons why the president should be removed from office.

"With each day that passes, our rights as gun owners are slowly being stolen from us," said Brown. "My 21-year-old grandson was asked to show his driver's license when he bought a handgun from Cabela's last week. I will not stand for this sort of injustice."

Although gun regulations are handled individually by state legislatures, Brown, a local janitor for over 30 years, insists that the president is behind Ohio's still unchanged and unrestrictive gun laws.

"This president, this black president does not understand the constitution," Brown added.

Obama, who holds a Juris Doctor in constitutional law from Harvard University and a Bachelor's degree from Columbia University in political science, taught constitutional law at the University of Chicago Law School for 12 years.

Brown will give a two hour long speech on the constitution, which will mostly cover the one-sentence-long Second Amendment. The seminar will also provide information on why the Affordable Care Act, otherwise known as Obamacare is unconstitutional.

"If I shoot a black teenager in Steubenville when he's playing his trash music, I don't want him to have access to health care," said OFWGKTA member Ed Smith. "How's he supposed to learn his lesson?"

Brown says that Obamacare, which was ruled constitutional by the Supreme Court in National Federation of Independent Business v. Sebelius, needs to be brought before the Supreme Court.

"There's no way that the John Roberts Supreme Court would allow this atrocity to continue," he said. "Roberts was appointed by Bush."

Brown showed us a student ID card (right) that he says proves that the president is in fact a foreigner named Barry Soetoro. He was thrilled when we told him what the ID card really meant. Given that Obama graduated in 1983 and Columbia University introduced digital ID cards in 1996, it means that Obama is literally a time traveler and thus not eligible to be president.

Justin Bieber Exiled to Ohio Valley, Lands Job With ArcelorMittal

MINGO JUNCTION - In response to an official White House petition that has received over 240,000 signatures, President Obama announced that he will have the Department of Homeland Security relocate Justin Bieber to Mingo Junction, Ohio.

"Legally, I do not have the power to deport people from this country," Obama said. "I can, however, put him somewhere where you'll never hear from him again."

Bieber arrived in his new Mingo Junction apartment on Monday morning. He was seen wondering around town in his signature gas mask, which he uses to keep the nauseous gasses across the river in Follansbee from killing him.

"He's just gonna have to get used to it," said Mingo resident Paul Wilson. "Time to put your big boy pants on."

The pop star spent his first day in the valley shopping around in Fort Steuben Mall while numerous reporters and many others followed his every move. Bieber seemed disoriented as he stumbled around looking for stores.

"Excuse me sir," Bieber asked an elderly man on a bench. "Where might I find a Louis Vuitton boutique?"

The comment drew laughs from several passersby as the man glared at him.

"We don't have Chinese stores around here," said the man.

According to reports, Bieber was set up with a job at the ArcelorMittal steel mill in Weirton. He was sent to the hospital today after his clothes melted to his skin. President Obama said that isn't sure how long Bieber would last in Mingo Junction, but he was certain the musician would never escape.

"The Ohio Valley is a trap for young people," Obama said. "Once you're there, it's the hardest place in America to escape."