Department of Homeland Security Warns Riesbeck's to not Run Out of Paczki, Or Else

WINTERSVILLE - Citing reasons such as public safety and national interests, US Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson sent a memo warning Riesbeck's Food Market in Wintersville (right) to not run out of paczki.

"I'm super serious guys," read the memo. "There will totally be like riots in the street and stuff if you run out."

Despite the federal government's concerns, Riesbeck's manager Bronislaw Komorowski says that his store is in no danger of running out of the delicious treat.

"We've been at this for a very long time," said Komorowski."We have enough dough and jelly to make six hundred trillion paczki. We'll probably only go through three quarters of it."

Komorowski, a lifelong resident of Steubenville, says that he understands the importance of the paczki to the Ohio Valley.

"I was here for the Great Paczki Famine of 1977," he said. "I don't think I could ever un-see the travesties I saw during that time."

Komorowski's family also has the distinction of generating public support for some of America's greatest wars.

"When the Germans invaded Poland in 1939, all paczki imports were cut off," he said. "My father gathered up several local volunteers to join up with the RAF (British Royal Air Force) and get our paczki back. My ancestors also gathered up supporters for the American Revolution after the Wheeling Paczki Party."

For those who don't read up on history, the Wheeling Paczki Party was the British response to the Boston Tea Party. The redcoats confiscated the entire paczki supply of Fort Henry and dumped it into the Ohio River in 1774. For that reason, Virginia residents sought independence from Great Britain.

Despite Komorowski's assurances, Secretary Johnson remains skeptical.

"He better not think I'm playing," said Johnson in an interview. "Because I'm not one for fooling around. It's on, it's so on. He's in for a spanking."

GOP Dads Will Hold Seminar to Explain Constitution and Obama Impeachment

WINTERSVILLE - Local Super PAC Ohio Fathers Without Government. Kill The Act! (OFWGKTA) will hold a seminar to explain why President Barack Obama should be impeached. The event will take place Friday at St. Florian Hall at 7 p.m. Event organizer Ralph Brown says that the presentation will bring forth a plethora of reasons why the president should be removed from office.

"With each day that passes, our rights as gun owners are slowly being stolen from us," said Brown. "My 21-year-old grandson was asked to show his driver's license when he bought a handgun from Cabela's last week. I will not stand for this sort of injustice."

Although gun regulations are handled individually by state legislatures, Brown, a local janitor for over 30 years, insists that the president is behind Ohio's still unchanged and unrestrictive gun laws.

"This president, this black president does not understand the constitution," Brown added.

Obama, who holds a Juris Doctor in constitutional law from Harvard University and a Bachelor's degree from Columbia University in political science, taught constitutional law at the University of Chicago Law School for 12 years.

Brown will give a two hour long speech on the constitution, which will mostly cover the one-sentence-long Second Amendment. The seminar will also provide information on why the Affordable Care Act, otherwise known as Obamacare is unconstitutional.

"If I shoot a black teenager in Steubenville when he's playing his trash music, I don't want him to have access to health care," said OFWGKTA member Ed Smith. "How's he supposed to learn his lesson?"

Brown says that Obamacare, which was ruled constitutional by the Supreme Court in National Federation of Independent Business v. Sebelius, needs to be brought before the Supreme Court.

"There's no way that the John Roberts Supreme Court would allow this atrocity to continue," he said. "Roberts was appointed by Bush."

Brown showed us a student ID card (right) that he says proves that the president is in fact a foreigner named Barry Soetoro. He was thrilled when we told him what the ID card really meant. Given that Obama graduated in 1983 and Columbia University introduced digital ID cards in 1996, it means that Obama is literally a time traveler and thus not eligible to be president.

Nominees Announced For First Annual Pull-It Surprise

WINTERSVILLE - The nominees for the 2014 Pull-It Surprise were announced at a banquet at St. Florian Hall last night. This will be the first year that the prize is given out, and the winners shall be determined by a senior panel of Ohio Valley News staff writers. The person featured on the token will change each year, and the honor is given to someone of prominence who has made a fool of himself/herself in the past year. This year's prize features the face of New Jersey governor Chris Christie, and we bestow the honor upon him to encourage local politicians to behave in the same manner as Gov. Christie.

The leading candidate for Best Ohio Valley Fan-Fiction is George R.R. Martin's novel, Domenick Mucci: Zombie Predator. The critically acclaimed novel features the Steubenville mayor as the leader of a group of survivors in a post-apocalyptic Ohio Valley (probably next year). Other nominees include Angelica Stewart's novel 9 vs 7, a book about the competing news stations facing off in a karate tournament; Stranded, a novel by Lewis Blackburn that tells the story of a man lost on the Ohio River; Sarah Does Steubenville, a short film by Lester Biggs that is about Sarah Palin attempting to raise money to run for office in the titular town; and finally, The Adventures of Moondog, a comic book by Damon Osbourne.

Nearly every news organization in the Ohio Valley received a nomination for Craziest News Story. WTRF's Dr. Dave Walker is expected to take the award for predicting last December to average 78 degrees and clear skies. The Herald Star's Dave Gossett is also a leading contender for his story about local children who spontaneously lost all of their teeth from ages 6-12.

Best New Local Program will be awarded to one of the two television shows that aired in the valley this year. Have You Heard About Linda? is a game show that airs on WTOV-9 that tests contestants' knowledge of local hearsay. It will compete against WTRF's show Drop the Beat, a vocal talent competition show that features the valley's aspiring rap stars.

Perhaps the most anticipated award this year is Most Entertaining Medium Relating to the Steubenville Rape Case. Nominees for this award include Trent Mays: Where Am I Now?, a five-second documentary that shows the teenager sitting in a jail cell; A Town Divided, the Lifetime Original Movie released the day after the trial concluded; CNN's The Situation Room for Wolf Blitzer's detailed drawings of the crime; and Yo Gabba Gabba for its episode "That's a No-no!", which helped young children understand the trial.