News 7 Changes Name to WTF News (Definitely Jake Kauffman's Idea)

WHEELING - Citing a need to expand the station's audience, WTRF officials announced today that they will change the channel's format yet again. In an interview with himself Monday morning, Tate Blanchard said that News 7 was granted permission by the FCC to drop the 'R' from 'WTRF'.

"What brought about the decision to change pace again?" Blanchard asked himself, before getting up and changing chairs. "Well it was an idea that's been floating around here for a long time. I personally don't know who started it, but it sounds like something Jake Kauffman would think of."

Under the new name, WTF News will function as the Ohio Valley's competitor to Inside Edition, focusing on wacky news stories and local gossip.

"It's going to be just like going to bingo with your grandmother," said Blanchard. "I know Jake Kauffman is a regular on the local bingo circuit, that's why I think it was his idea."

Blanchard told himself that the station will move away from its current animated news format, in which the news is presented by the cast of Brickleberry, in order to reach a new audience.

"Unfortunately, our viewership was limited to residents of the Ohio Valley," he said. "We couldn't get people in our target markets, like Orlando, Los Angeles and Detroit, to be interested in Wheeling news. Hopefully we'll find more success in this direction."

When he asked himself why he was so insistent on blaming Jake Kauffman for the change in format, Blanchard got angry with himself and stormed out of the interview, all on live television.

"You know what, that's really none of your business Tate," he said. "This interview is over!"

As he walked off, WTF News debuted its signature out cue, a live audience yelling 'What The F***!?'

WTRF Apologizes for Hysteria After Falsely Predicting Apocalypse

WHEELING - StormTracker 7's Dr. Dave Walker apologized on-air to the Ohio Valley after mistakenly predicting the extinction of the human race.

"Someone read a forecast calling for a meteor shower," said Walker. "But when we were transcribing the story, they wrote 'Asteroid Storm' instead and we just ran with it. I take the blame for that. I know better."

Indeed, the graphics department even went too far as well, broadcasting the image above showing the Ohio Valley burning and several craters where cities used to be.

The aftermath of the weather report caused many people to riot in the streets. Vandalism tore through the valley and several local businesses reported robberies. As is always the case after a disaster, the Associated Press had to apologize to the black community.

"We've been through this before," said the president of the Associated Press, Gary Pruitt. "Black people should know by now that we're sorry we keep saying that they're the only ones looting from stores. In the future, we plan to include Jews, Muslims, Cubans and Democrats on that list as well."

The mistake caused more than $119 billion in damages across the Ohio Valley, from cessations in production, the aforementioned vandalism and hospital visits from people suffering heart attacks and seizures after Walker's stoic reporting of the end times.

"He just seemed possessed as he said it," said 83-year-old Laverne James, who was sent to East Ohio Regional Hospital after fainting, falling down her stairs, being impaled by a fire poker, crushed by a falling bookshelf and finally beaten by a group of white people whom the Associated Press described as 'searching' the house. "His pitch dropped and he stared into the camera without even blinking."

"The Earth is on a collision course with the Asteroid Belt," said Walker during the forecast. "There is nothing you can do to save yourself. The world is going to burn and we are all going to die. I repeat, we are all going to die."

Nominees Announced For First Annual Pull-It Surprise

WINTERSVILLE - The nominees for the 2014 Pull-It Surprise were announced at a banquet at St. Florian Hall last night. This will be the first year that the prize is given out, and the winners shall be determined by a senior panel of Ohio Valley News staff writers. The person featured on the token will change each year, and the honor is given to someone of prominence who has made a fool of himself/herself in the past year. This year's prize features the face of New Jersey governor Chris Christie, and we bestow the honor upon him to encourage local politicians to behave in the same manner as Gov. Christie.

The leading candidate for Best Ohio Valley Fan-Fiction is George R.R. Martin's novel, Domenick Mucci: Zombie Predator. The critically acclaimed novel features the Steubenville mayor as the leader of a group of survivors in a post-apocalyptic Ohio Valley (probably next year). Other nominees include Angelica Stewart's novel 9 vs 7, a book about the competing news stations facing off in a karate tournament; Stranded, a novel by Lewis Blackburn that tells the story of a man lost on the Ohio River; Sarah Does Steubenville, a short film by Lester Biggs that is about Sarah Palin attempting to raise money to run for office in the titular town; and finally, The Adventures of Moondog, a comic book by Damon Osbourne.

Nearly every news organization in the Ohio Valley received a nomination for Craziest News Story. WTRF's Dr. Dave Walker is expected to take the award for predicting last December to average 78 degrees and clear skies. The Herald Star's Dave Gossett is also a leading contender for his story about local children who spontaneously lost all of their teeth from ages 6-12.

Best New Local Program will be awarded to one of the two television shows that aired in the valley this year. Have You Heard About Linda? is a game show that airs on WTOV-9 that tests contestants' knowledge of local hearsay. It will compete against WTRF's show Drop the Beat, a vocal talent competition show that features the valley's aspiring rap stars.

Perhaps the most anticipated award this year is Most Entertaining Medium Relating to the Steubenville Rape Case. Nominees for this award include Trent Mays: Where Am I Now?, a five-second documentary that shows the teenager sitting in a jail cell; A Town Divided, the Lifetime Original Movie released the day after the trial concluded; CNN's The Situation Room for Wolf Blitzer's detailed drawings of the crime; and Yo Gabba Gabba for its episode "That's a No-no!", which helped young children understand the trial.

WTRF's News 7 Switches to Animation

WHEELING - Channel 7 has lived in the shadow of the more colorful, raunchier News 9 for many years, but station manager George Green vows to change that. On the station's 6 o'clock program, anchor Nate Fluharty announced Green's plan to make the switch to animated news.

"Starting in two months," Fluharty said. "7 News will be presented to you in the form of a cartoon featuring the cast of Comedy Central's Brickleberry. Our current staff of reporters and anchors will voice these characters."

The reaction was almost instant. People across the valley who could figure out social media vowed to make the change from WTOV to WTRF.

"I'l[l] acshully b[e] abel to pay attenshin too the news! [sic]" said 20 year-old Bryce Hall in a Facebook post. "It['s] ushully so boring. [sic]"

Laurie Conway, Jamie Ward, and Rachael Dierkes will take turns providing the voice for Ethel Anderson (blonde woman in picture), who will be the anchor for all hours that the news program airs. Ethel will be joined by Steve Williams (far left), who will be voiced by Nate Fluharty. Woody Johnson (center) will provide weather and features the harmonized voices of Dr. Dave Walker and Brian Davis. Denzel Jackson (the black one) will cover sports. Scott Nolte and Mike Anthony will provide his voice. Sara Yingling and Kelsey Kennedy will do the voice for Connie Cunaman (woman on right), and D.K. Wright will voice the grizzly bear cub named Malloy.