Jefferson County Inmates Stage 'Walkout' to Protest Jail Conditions

STEUBENVILLE - Inmates at the Jefferson County Jail in Steubenville are not happy about their living conditions, and they let city leaders know by holding a walkout. 62 prisoners reportedly left the building and walked down the street to the Jefferson County courthouse to peacefully protest.

"We made these neat little signs with glitter on them," said inmate Jerek Wesley. "The signs are really bright and I hope that grabs people's attention when they're driving by."

The inmates told reporters that they demand a lounge in the jail, complete with a bar and grill.

"The food sucks here man," said Kenneth Lucas. "We put in 24 hours a day in here, the least they can do is give us something edible."

Jefferson County sheriff Fred Abdalla told worried residents that the prisoners are still U.S. citizens and have the right to demonstrate their displeasure.

"It's their First Amendment right and if they want to utilize it, I'm fine with it," Abdalla said. "The last thing I need is for the prisoners to turn the tables and take me to court."

The protest lasted for about three hours before the inmates walked back to their cells without incident.

"You know, it actually went much better than I anticipated," said mayor Domenick Mucci. "I think that we should do more of these."

Some notable residents were seen among the crowd, including Big Red football coach Reno Saccoccia and coal magnate Robert Murray.

"Hey it's only a matter of time before we're in there too," Saccoccia told reporters. "So we might as well make sure it's nice and comfy."

Negative Colors Reveal Domenick Mucci in Background of Clinton Family Portrait

STEUBENVILLE - Researchers at Eastern Gateway Community College announced earlier today that they have discovered the likeness of Steubenville mayor Domenick Mucci in the background of the famous portrait of the Clinton family. Professor Sun Yat-sen, of the graphic design department, said that his students discovered the hidden picture during an in-class assignment.

"We were working with negative colors and one of the students chose the Clinton family for his project," Sun said. "He inverted the colors and there you have it. Mayor Mucci creeping in the back behind Hillary."

Mucci declined to comment on the discovery, leaving the door open for conspiracy theorists across the Valley.

"Could it be?" asked Wintersville resident Don Cayote. "I think this means that our mayor is secretly a Clinton himself!"

Others in the Valley disagree, claiming that the picture means that Mucci has more power than most people realize.

"It's obviously symbolic," said Steubenville resident Nick Carraway. "It means that Mucci is watching over the Clintons, secretly controlling the government. Who knows what other political families he's watching?"

Science fiction writer Alex Jones posted on his blog that he has more information, posting that Mucci's real name is Æçãzaøn, and that he plans to release more on his children's show, InfoWars.

Steubenville Accidentally Sets New Curfew For Daytime Instead of Night

STEUBENVILLE - In an effort to keep children inside their houses while the adults shoot at each other outside, the city of Steubenville tried to implement a curfew. The plan was to require teenagers ages 16 and 17 to be inside between 11 p.m. and 5 a.m. However, when Steubenville mayor Domenick Mucci signed the curfew into law, he didn't notice the 'a.m.' and 'p.m.' had been switched around.

"Oh son of a bitch!" Mucci screamed when the error was pointed out by News 7 reporter D.K. Wright at a news conference.

As it stands, teens in Steubenville must be inside their homes by 11 in the morning, and stay inside until 5 in the afternoon. When asked if the city police department could simply ignore the new law, Mucci said that it was impossible.

"No, no, no that's not how any of this works," he said. "If we want to change the times for the curfew, we have to draft up a whole new one. Then we have to deliberate. Then we have to listen to [Steubenville councilman] Gerald DiLoreto talk about why we don't need a curfew. Then we have to hold a town hall meeting. Then we need to vote again. Trust me, Bill McCafferty really doesn't listen to me."

Police Chief William McCafferty said that he understands that the city council made a mistake, but he is also sworn to uphold the law.

"Look, they made a typo, I get it," said McCafferty. "But the law's the law, and this is the law now. If you're a teenager and you're outside during the day, you're going to be arrested."

McCafferty said that the curfew was drafted after a teenager was found with 20 bags of heroin during a traffic stop.

"All we ask is that if the kids are going to use heroin, they need to use it within the safety of their own homes," said McCafferty.

Melinda Young, Steubenville City School's interim superintendent, said that the mistake means that school will have to be held in the early morning hours.

"We can't force the kids to go outside and break the law," she said. "So school will now be held from 10 at night until 5:30 in the morning."

UFOs Spotted in Steubenville, Mayor Says People Are "Just Seeing Things"

STEUBENVILLE - The Steubenville Police Department released a statement to reporters that is has been flooded with frantic callers around town claiming to see spaceships in the skies. Stewart Dawes of Follansbee sent the image to the right to several media outlets. He claims that the odd figure in the center of the picture is possibly a UFO. Steubenville mayor Domenick Mucci told reporters that people shouldn't give in to sensationalism.

"That's a load of horse sh*t," said Mucci. "The weather service releases weather balloons on the top of the hill and people are always mistaking them for UFOs. It could just be clouds too. Sometimes the sun just shines through the clouds a little differently. The media likes to jump on it for ratings. If you believe this crap, then you're a f**king retard."

The image sent by Dawes was not the only one making rounds on social media. An anonymous reader sent this picture (left) to OVN, claiming that it shows a green alien waving at people in front of Harding Middle School. Some people around town remain skeptical.

"People will believe absolutely anything," said Mankar Camoran, a Steubenville native and author of The Mysterium Xarxes. "That could be anything from a cat, to a rat or a toad. It could also be pareidolia. We shouldn't jump to conclusions."

Camoran points out that another image (right), taken from a slightly different angle, clearly shows that the figure, while still resembling an alien spaceship, is completely different.

"Now when you look at it, it looks like there are much more lights on it," he said. "It's slightly smaller, it's a different color, there are antennae on the top, a 2013 model Zxxstania Industries communications relay and a Jyrstikanium Warp Drive. The last picture didn't show any of that. It's clearly fake."

Mucci took to Twitter to express his disdain for the UFO rumors.

Nominees Announced For First Annual Pull-It Surprise

WINTERSVILLE - The nominees for the 2014 Pull-It Surprise were announced at a banquet at St. Florian Hall last night. This will be the first year that the prize is given out, and the winners shall be determined by a senior panel of Ohio Valley News staff writers. The person featured on the token will change each year, and the honor is given to someone of prominence who has made a fool of himself/herself in the past year. This year's prize features the face of New Jersey governor Chris Christie, and we bestow the honor upon him to encourage local politicians to behave in the same manner as Gov. Christie.

The leading candidate for Best Ohio Valley Fan-Fiction is George R.R. Martin's novel, Domenick Mucci: Zombie Predator. The critically acclaimed novel features the Steubenville mayor as the leader of a group of survivors in a post-apocalyptic Ohio Valley (probably next year). Other nominees include Angelica Stewart's novel 9 vs 7, a book about the competing news stations facing off in a karate tournament; Stranded, a novel by Lewis Blackburn that tells the story of a man lost on the Ohio River; Sarah Does Steubenville, a short film by Lester Biggs that is about Sarah Palin attempting to raise money to run for office in the titular town; and finally, The Adventures of Moondog, a comic book by Damon Osbourne.

Nearly every news organization in the Ohio Valley received a nomination for Craziest News Story. WTRF's Dr. Dave Walker is expected to take the award for predicting last December to average 78 degrees and clear skies. The Herald Star's Dave Gossett is also a leading contender for his story about local children who spontaneously lost all of their teeth from ages 6-12.

Best New Local Program will be awarded to one of the two television shows that aired in the valley this year. Have You Heard About Linda? is a game show that airs on WTOV-9 that tests contestants' knowledge of local hearsay. It will compete against WTRF's show Drop the Beat, a vocal talent competition show that features the valley's aspiring rap stars.

Perhaps the most anticipated award this year is Most Entertaining Medium Relating to the Steubenville Rape Case. Nominees for this award include Trent Mays: Where Am I Now?, a five-second documentary that shows the teenager sitting in a jail cell; A Town Divided, the Lifetime Original Movie released the day after the trial concluded; CNN's The Situation Room for Wolf Blitzer's detailed drawings of the crime; and Yo Gabba Gabba for its episode "That's a No-no!", which helped young children understand the trial.

Steubenville Terrorizes Citizens to Prepare for Halloween

STEUBENVILLE - Mayor Domenick Mucci told reporters that the nuclear bomb that went off earlier today was detonated by the fire department as part of the city's "Scare the 'S' out of Steubenville Week". The bomb exploded inside Belleview Park at noon, sending the entire town into a frenzy. Schools sent home students early and businesses shut down, fearing a terrorist invasion. Mucci says that the madness was worth the hassle.

"It was just marvelous," he said as he clapped his hands and hopped on his feet. "We've been having so much fun this week; I can't wait to show you guys what we have planned for tomorrow!"

The city council has been staging various crimes this week to create mass hysteria in the build up to this year's Halloween festivities. Two stabbings have already taken since Sunday, and Mucci says that things are just getting started.

"Tomorrow, we're going to send out undercover police officers to kidnap children on their way to school," Mucci (pictured left) said with a grin. "Imagine how terrified the kids are going to be! And the parents! It's going to be hilarious!"

So far, public reception of the charade has been overwhelmingly positive. Parents have said it makes their boring lives in small town Ohio that much more fun.

"I was crying like a little baby when I went to go pick up my 5-year old from school," said Debby Nardo, whose daughter attends Pugliese Elementary School. "I didn't know whether she was alive or dead. Then the news broke that the bomb was a joke and I couldn't help but laugh."

Critics, however, say that the city may be subject to liability lawsuits in the death of 38-year-old Martin Douglas, who was stabbed in a back alley by local volunteers.

"Yeah, the family's pretty upset with me right now," Mucci said. "But it's all in jest. One day they'll look back at this and laugh."