Jefferson County Inmates Stage 'Walkout' to Protest Jail Conditions

STEUBENVILLE - Inmates at the Jefferson County Jail in Steubenville are not happy about their living conditions, and they let city leaders know by holding a walkout. 62 prisoners reportedly left the building and walked down the street to the Jefferson County courthouse to peacefully protest.

"We made these neat little signs with glitter on them," said inmate Jerek Wesley. "The signs are really bright and I hope that grabs people's attention when they're driving by."

The inmates told reporters that they demand a lounge in the jail, complete with a bar and grill.

"The food sucks here man," said Kenneth Lucas. "We put in 24 hours a day in here, the least they can do is give us something edible."

Jefferson County sheriff Fred Abdalla told worried residents that the prisoners are still U.S. citizens and have the right to demonstrate their displeasure.

"It's their First Amendment right and if they want to utilize it, I'm fine with it," Abdalla said. "The last thing I need is for the prisoners to turn the tables and take me to court."

The protest lasted for about three hours before the inmates walked back to their cells without incident.

"You know, it actually went much better than I anticipated," said mayor Domenick Mucci. "I think that we should do more of these."

Some notable residents were seen among the crowd, including Big Red football coach Reno Saccoccia and coal magnate Robert Murray.

"Hey it's only a matter of time before we're in there too," Saccoccia told reporters. "So we might as well make sure it's nice and comfy."

Ma'Lik Richmond Rescues Orphan Children From Fire

STEUBENVILLE - In a true display of the desolation of humanity, the No Child Left Behind orphanage in downtown Steubenville burned to the ground last night. Ohio Fire Marshal Larry Flowers said that arson was the likely cause.

"We found several signs that lead us to believe that one or more accelerants were used," said Flowers. "Only the worst kind of person would burn down an orphanage. All those children would be dead if not for that boy."

Indeed, the orphans owe their lives to one unlikely hero...Steubenville football player Ma'Lik Richmond.

"We were at a party last night celebrating our win against JFK," said coach Reno Saccoccia. "Next thing I know, over the loud music and debauchery, I heard screaming and I saw the fire. Then I saw Ma'Lik running towards it."

Fire crews were already outside the blaze, as were several news outlets (Ohio Valley News among them), when Richmond arrived at the scene, and they told him that there was no chance to rescue the children.

"We mustn't lose hope!" Richmond urged the firemen as he kicked the door to the building down and stormed the foyer, still wearing his football uniform.

Minutes later, he emerged from the building carrying three orphans on his shoulders. Still, the firemen urged Richmond to not re-enter the building.

"You've done all you can," said Pete Miller, a 19-year veteran of the fire department. "The whole thing's coming down!"

Richmond seemed undeterred.

"There's still more children inside!"

Without a second thought, Ma'Lik Richmond ran back into the inferno. When he exited the second time, he had a child under his arm, another on his shoulders, and five more on a makeshift sled that he pulled with his free hand.

"That's all of them," Miller told Richmond. "Now stand aside so we can put this thing out!"

However, one of the children tugged on Richmond's now torn and burnt football jersey.

"Mr. Waffles is still inside!" the little boy cried hysterically.

"Mr. Waffles?" asked Richmond curiously.

"Our puppy!" said another child.

Richmond lifted the little orphan boy's head gently from under his chin.

"You must stay strong child," he said softly.

However, after Richmond entered the third time, the building came crashing down around him after five minutes. This morning, as the fire marshal sifted through the rubble, Richmond's body was discovered curled into the fetal position.

"When we found him, he was twitching slightly," said Marshal Flowers. "We thought he might still be alive, but he had no pulse. That's when we discovered the golden retriever puppy."

The fire marshal determined that as the building collapsed, Richmond curled himself into a protective ball, thus sacrificing himself for the orphan children's dog.

"Mr. Waffles!" the little orphan boy shouted as the puppy leaped into his arms, licking his face.

In Richmond's honor, Flowers stood atop the rubble and gave a speech of lamentation to a large crowd that had gathered at the scene.

"Ma'Lik Richmond," he said. "Let this be a testament to the fact that no matter what actions you have partaken in, no matter your achievements or accomplishments, you will always be remembered in our hearts as something beyond that. In the Ohio Valley, you will always be remembered as 'The Steubenville Rapist'."

Big Red Players Don Paper Bags And Lose Numbers to Hide Ma'Lik Richmond

STEUBENVILLE - Much to the dismay of figuratively everyone but surprise to literally nobody, Steubenville Big Red football coach Reno Saccoccia has allowed Ma'Lik Richmond to rejoin the football team at Steubenville High School. Richmond was convicted of raping a girl from West Virginia at a party in 2012. Saccoccia told reporters earlier today that the team will no longer wear numbers and will be required to wear paper bags on their heads so nobody knows which one is Richmond.

"Every game we play this year, we're going to have hecklers in the stands shouting at Richmond," said Saccoccia. "Home or away, I can guarantee you they will be there. I'm actually very interested to hear the names they call him. Students can be quite creative."

This most recent announcement follows the news that Richmond will also be allowed to rejoin the Steubenville Chess Club and the Boy Scouts of America. All three announcements have sparked wide outrage in the town.

"Look at that little smile on his face," said Steubenville resident Ramsay Snow. "If it were up to me, I would cut the skin off of his bones and make Reno wear it as a shirt."

Snow, along with other Steubenville residents, suggested punishments that the district should give to Richmond at the last school board meeting.

"I say an eye for an eye," remarked Sonya Daniels. "He should be tied to a school bus and paraded around town while Jellybean the Clown sodomizes him with one of her balloons."

Wintersville native Clint Boykin, much like the majority of people, suggested a much less barbaric form of punishment.

"Hang the damn bastard," he said, sporting a 'Free Trent Mays' shirt. "In front of his family. Leave him there until he rots and falls out of the noose."

Richmond said that aside from the very small number of people that hate him, life has continued on as normal since his release.

"It's been great," he said through the mouth hole in his paper bag. "I just got my date for homecoming this year. In fact, I just got back from her house. I met her parents and we all went out to eat at Olive Garden."

Steubenville's first game of the season is this Thursday, against John F. Kennedy High School from Cleveland. Steubenville is the heavy favorite, but the paper bags may level the odds.

"We have a ton of work to do," said Saccoccia. "We've got players running into each other and jumping straight out of bounds. I told our tight end to run a flag route and he got hit by a car."

As expected, coach Saccoccia told us that he has a 'Plan B'.

"Off the record," he said, rolling a cyanide pill in his fingers. "Their Gatorade might taste a little funky. We'll do whatever it takes."

Off the record? Screw you Reno.

Big Red's Saccoccia Jealous He Didn't Receive Indictment

STEUBENVILLE - Big Red head football coach Reno Saccoccia told reporters today that he was upset that charges wouldn't be pressed against him as a result of the grand jury investigation into the 2012 rape case. Earlier today, Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine announced the names of four people who are being indicted, Steubenville City Schools Superintendent Michael McVey among them. A hysterical Saccoccia attended the press conference, and took the microphone after DeWine was finished speaking.

"I knew way more about the rape than any of these idiots did," said Saccoccia. "Didn't you read the text that Trent [Mays] sent me? I hid the freaking evidence!"

An assistant football coach, an assistant wrestling coach and a teacher at West Elementary are also being charged along with McVey. Saccoccia told us that he feels he should have done more to cover up the story.

"It's not fair," said Saccoccia. "Maybe I should have threatened the little girl into lying. Perhaps I could have tried to bribe [Jefferson County Prosecutor] Tom Straus. I didn't want to try too hard because if I did, this might not have made it court."

Although it remains unclear why Saccoccia wished to be indicted, he mentioned a motivational speech that he gave to the football team earlier this year.

"I told them that next year, I'll be watching the game from a jail cell," he said. "I won't be there with my boys, my second family. So you go out there and win one for me. Go out there and win one for Trent and Malik [Richmond]."

Now it seems that the football team will lack motivation going into next season. Still, the coach says he has to remain optimistic.

"This is going to make for one boring Thanksgiving," he said. "But I'll just have to put on a big smile and weather the storm."