Big Red Players Don Paper Bags And Lose Numbers to Hide Ma'Lik Richmond

STEUBENVILLE - Much to the dismay of figuratively everyone but surprise to literally nobody, Steubenville Big Red football coach Reno Saccoccia has allowed Ma'Lik Richmond to rejoin the football team at Steubenville High School. Richmond was convicted of raping a girl from West Virginia at a party in 2012. Saccoccia told reporters earlier today that the team will no longer wear numbers and will be required to wear paper bags on their heads so nobody knows which one is Richmond.

"Every game we play this year, we're going to have hecklers in the stands shouting at Richmond," said Saccoccia. "Home or away, I can guarantee you they will be there. I'm actually very interested to hear the names they call him. Students can be quite creative."

This most recent announcement follows the news that Richmond will also be allowed to rejoin the Steubenville Chess Club and the Boy Scouts of America. All three announcements have sparked wide outrage in the town.

"Look at that little smile on his face," said Steubenville resident Ramsay Snow. "If it were up to me, I would cut the skin off of his bones and make Reno wear it as a shirt."

Snow, along with other Steubenville residents, suggested punishments that the district should give to Richmond at the last school board meeting.

"I say an eye for an eye," remarked Sonya Daniels. "He should be tied to a school bus and paraded around town while Jellybean the Clown sodomizes him with one of her balloons."

Wintersville native Clint Boykin, much like the majority of people, suggested a much less barbaric form of punishment.

"Hang the damn bastard," he said, sporting a 'Free Trent Mays' shirt. "In front of his family. Leave him there until he rots and falls out of the noose."

Richmond said that aside from the very small number of people that hate him, life has continued on as normal since his release.

"It's been great," he said through the mouth hole in his paper bag. "I just got my date for homecoming this year. In fact, I just got back from her house. I met her parents and we all went out to eat at Olive Garden."

Steubenville's first game of the season is this Thursday, against John F. Kennedy High School from Cleveland. Steubenville is the heavy favorite, but the paper bags may level the odds.

"We have a ton of work to do," said Saccoccia. "We've got players running into each other and jumping straight out of bounds. I told our tight end to run a flag route and he got hit by a car."

As expected, coach Saccoccia told us that he has a 'Plan B'.

"Off the record," he said, rolling a cyanide pill in his fingers. "Their Gatorade might taste a little funky. We'll do whatever it takes."

Off the record? Screw you Reno.

Big Red's Saccoccia Jealous He Didn't Receive Indictment

STEUBENVILLE - Big Red head football coach Reno Saccoccia told reporters today that he was upset that charges wouldn't be pressed against him as a result of the grand jury investigation into the 2012 rape case. Earlier today, Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine announced the names of four people who are being indicted, Steubenville City Schools Superintendent Michael McVey among them. A hysterical Saccoccia attended the press conference, and took the microphone after DeWine was finished speaking.

"I knew way more about the rape than any of these idiots did," said Saccoccia. "Didn't you read the text that Trent [Mays] sent me? I hid the freaking evidence!"

An assistant football coach, an assistant wrestling coach and a teacher at West Elementary are also being charged along with McVey. Saccoccia told us that he feels he should have done more to cover up the story.

"It's not fair," said Saccoccia. "Maybe I should have threatened the little girl into lying. Perhaps I could have tried to bribe [Jefferson County Prosecutor] Tom Straus. I didn't want to try too hard because if I did, this might not have made it court."

Although it remains unclear why Saccoccia wished to be indicted, he mentioned a motivational speech that he gave to the football team earlier this year.

"I told them that next year, I'll be watching the game from a jail cell," he said. "I won't be there with my boys, my second family. So you go out there and win one for me. Go out there and win one for Trent and Malik [Richmond]."

Now it seems that the football team will lack motivation going into next season. Still, the coach says he has to remain optimistic.

"This is going to make for one boring Thanksgiving," he said. "But I'll just have to put on a big smile and weather the storm."