Officials Say Entire Gas Pipeline Must Be Moved 10 Feet

COLUMBUS -- Ohio Department of Natural Resources director James Zehringer announced earlier today that Enterprise Liquids Pipeline, LLC must uncover and move its entire natural gas pipeline in Ohio 10 feet to the left. Zehringer claims that the company made an error with longitude points when they originally mapped out the project.

"It's a minor mistake, but the consequences are dire," he said. "On the bright side, it will create more jobs for temporary Ohioans."

Several local landowners have already voiced their displeasure, saying that the new requirement will destroy even more farmland.

"My fields were almost unusable for an entire year," said Bloomingdale ambrosia farmer Ralph Elliot. "Whatever. Farming's stupid anyhow."

The company's parent, Enterprise Products, said that the news was completely unexpected, and was not notified of the decision ahead of time.

"I'm not even sure what to make of all of this," said CEO Michael Creel. "They said it has to be moved to the left, not east or west. Which way is left?"

Zehringer said that in order to compensate for the enormous amount of money Enterprise will lose, the company will not be required to pay landowners in order to move the pipeline.

"Well that's nice of them at least," Creel said.

This latest announcement comes only three days after ODNR announced that the Spectra pipeline in Belmont county must add a 3-layer helix spiral around a sacred Native American burial ground in Colerain in order to comply with tribal traditions.

JB Green Team Unveils 'Sad Squirrel' Logo Following Lawsuit

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Following the announcement of a lawsuit filed in Belmont County against JB Green Team, the company released a new logo in a plea for sympathy.

"Just look at those sad little squirrels," said program director Clifford Meyer. "You meanies hurt their feelings."

ESPN Courtroom commentator Brent Musburger told OVN that the new logo is an excellent move to buy sympathy from Belmont County common pleas judge Frank Fregatio.

"Judge Fregatio has a soft spot for woodland critters," Musburger said. "This is a huge move, but keep in mind that we don't know how Judge Solovan would react. Remember, he's the one that banned gladiator battles against lions in Shadyside."

The lawsuit was filed by attorney Christopher Gagin, who showed signs of remorse during an interview with Ohio Valley News.

"What have I done?" Gagin asked himself. "Look at what I did to those poor squirrels, they're crying their little eyes out."

Gagin then returned to the Belmont county courthouse to file a lawsuit against himself.

"Hopefully I can find closure and clean up this mess I've created," he said. "The only way to do that is to disbar myself."

A court hearing is set for April 2. Hundreds of squirrels in Belmont and Jefferson counties received subpoenas and will be required to testify under oath. Officials say that applications for squirrel translators are being accepted.

Jefferson County Inmates Stage 'Walkout' to Protest Jail Conditions

STEUBENVILLE - Inmates at the Jefferson County Jail in Steubenville are not happy about their living conditions, and they let city leaders know by holding a walkout. 62 prisoners reportedly left the building and walked down the street to the Jefferson County courthouse to peacefully protest.

"We made these neat little signs with glitter on them," said inmate Jerek Wesley. "The signs are really bright and I hope that grabs people's attention when they're driving by."

The inmates told reporters that they demand a lounge in the jail, complete with a bar and grill.

"The food sucks here man," said Kenneth Lucas. "We put in 24 hours a day in here, the least they can do is give us something edible."

Jefferson County sheriff Fred Abdalla told worried residents that the prisoners are still U.S. citizens and have the right to demonstrate their displeasure.

"It's their First Amendment right and if they want to utilize it, I'm fine with it," Abdalla said. "The last thing I need is for the prisoners to turn the tables and take me to court."

The protest lasted for about three hours before the inmates walked back to their cells without incident.

"You know, it actually went much better than I anticipated," said mayor Domenick Mucci. "I think that we should do more of these."

Some notable residents were seen among the crowd, including Big Red football coach Reno Saccoccia and coal magnate Robert Murray.

"Hey it's only a matter of time before we're in there too," Saccoccia told reporters. "So we might as well make sure it's nice and comfy."

Jefferson County Name Change Sponsorship Will Make Residents Rich

STEUBENVILLE - The Jefferson County Department of Development announced today that Jefferson County will change its name to "Northwestern Mutual County" on March 1st, as part of a new sponsorship program aiming to spark economic development. Director Wallace Brown said that the decision was easy to make.

"Well we don't exactly do anything for most of the year, so we were watching college football to kill some time," Brown said. "Commissioner Graham came by and kicked it with us and we noticed that the games all had sponsored names."

Brown pointed to the names of the Sugar Bowl and Rose Bowl as inspiration.

"The Sugar Bowl is actually called the Allstate Sugar Bowl, and the Rose Bowl is officially known as The Rose Bowl Presented by Northwestern Mutual. The companies pay for the names, so we figured they could pay us to name our county after them."

When Brown reached out to Allstate CEO Dennis Haysbert earlier last week, Haysbert declined the offer.

"He told us that there was no way that they would want to associate themselves with us," Brown said. "It was kind of blunt, but in the end we came out on top with Northwestern Mutual."

The sponsorship deal will provide every household with $10,000 for every year that the name is used.

"It's a great day for every citizen of Jefferson County," Brown said. "Or should I say, it's a great day for every citizen of Northwestern Mutual County?"

Jefferson County Prepares For Dark Lord Elections

STEUBENVILLE - Following its decision to immediately disband the county government system defined by the Ohio Constitution, Jefferson County will begin approving candidates for the new Council of Malevolence. Damien III, Prince of Darkness (right, with loyal minions) will fill in as acting Dark Lord of Jefferson County until elections are completed.

Damien became known locally for his impressive persuasion skills, convincing people that voting against school levies would somehow improve education.

"I was thinking about voting for new taxes that would help out Buckeye Local a few years ago," said Adena resident Gary Withers. "But Damien spoke at the school board meeting and he changed my mind. Learning stuff is a bad idea. He's a really good speaker."

The Council of Malevolence will move to abolish taxes, relying instead on the souls of Jefferson County citizens.

"We'll let the rich people keep their money," said Damien. "As the poorer folk in the county starve to death, I will feed upon their suffering."

Damien will run virtually unopposed for Dark Lord, with 97 percent of people surveyed saying that they will vote for him. He will most likely conduct day-to-day operations from the Office of the Chief Despot in the Ohio Valley Sepulcher on Sunset Boulevard (former headquarters of the Jefferson County Republican Party).

An early candidate for the County Nefarious Lord of Secrets is former intelligence director for the underworld Belphegor. The Nefarious Lord of Secrets will listen in on conversations across the county and spread sensitive personal details across the valley, a position long desired by locals.


Greek vampire Vrykolakas is a heavy favorite for Lord of Medicine. Hindu demon Mayasura announced that he will run for the position of Master of Architecture. The last position on the council, Chief Executor, is an appointed position. Notwithstanding claims of nepotism, it is expected that Damien will name former Steubenville Prosecutor Jane Hanlin (right) to the post.