Officials Say Entire Gas Pipeline Must Be Moved 10 Feet

COLUMBUS -- Ohio Department of Natural Resources director James Zehringer announced earlier today that Enterprise Liquids Pipeline, LLC must uncover and move its entire natural gas pipeline in Ohio 10 feet to the left. Zehringer claims that the company made an error with longitude points when they originally mapped out the project.

"It's a minor mistake, but the consequences are dire," he said. "On the bright side, it will create more jobs for temporary Ohioans."

Several local landowners have already voiced their displeasure, saying that the new requirement will destroy even more farmland.

"My fields were almost unusable for an entire year," said Bloomingdale ambrosia farmer Ralph Elliot. "Whatever. Farming's stupid anyhow."

The company's parent, Enterprise Products, said that the news was completely unexpected, and was not notified of the decision ahead of time.

"I'm not even sure what to make of all of this," said CEO Michael Creel. "They said it has to be moved to the left, not east or west. Which way is left?"

Zehringer said that in order to compensate for the enormous amount of money Enterprise will lose, the company will not be required to pay landowners in order to move the pipeline.

"Well that's nice of them at least," Creel said.

This latest announcement comes only three days after ODNR announced that the Spectra pipeline in Belmont county must add a 3-layer helix spiral around a sacred Native American burial ground in Colerain in order to comply with tribal traditions.

Liopleurodon Spotted at Jefferson Sportsman's Club

This picture of a Liopleurodon was taken
 at Jefferson Sportsman's Club.

BLOOMINGDALE -- A picture that made rounds through social media today has been confirmed by Ohio Department of Natural Resources to depict a massive Liopleurodon. Liopleurodons are ancient marine reptiles originally believed to have gone extinct after the last one died at the St. Louis Zoo approximately 150 million years ago.

The picture was taken by amateur biologist Wilhelm Clifton, a member of the sportsman's club, who immediately posted the picture to Facebook to warn the Ohio Valley of impending doom. Other local amateur biologists confirmed that it was indeed a Liopleurodon.

"I knew what it was the second I saw that there thing," said Bloomingdale resident Patsy Spurrington, an amateur zoologist. "They had them things on the Discovery Channel once so I recognized it right away."

Of course, the sighting of such a rare creature also brought along its fair share of conspiracy theories.

A Liopleurodon

"These are incredibly dangerous animals," said local amateur paleontologist Waldo Hearst. "The game warden should be tracking it, yet nobody is. What aren't they telling us?"

Other amateur scientists on Facebook theorized that local restaurants have hidden the Liopleurodons from the general public.

"It's a well known fact that Undo's does not use real meat in their food," said amateur sociopath Brian Adkins. "Liopleurodon meat is incredibly delicious and it only takes one to supply an entire restaurant for a year. What aren't they telling us?"

The sighting shouldn't come as a surprise for the Ohio Valley due to the close proximity of Jefferson Sportsman's Club to the Magical Fernwood Forest, where a saber-toothed tiger was spotted last year as well as a pack of sentient unicorns.

Axl Rose Assures Interviewer that "Paradise City" is about Bloomingdale

NEW YORK CITY - In a recent interview with Rolling Stone magazine, rock star Axl Rose claimed that his 1988 hit song Paradise City is actually about Bloomingdale, Ohio. Rose told Rolling Stone writer Andy Greene that he and Slash were big fans of the small town along U.S. Route 22.

"Slash and I were kicking it in the back of the van when he started humming the tune," said Rose. "And I just started singing the words. It all just came naturally."

Rose says that the original lyrics to the song were drastically changed in the final product. He blames the record label for attempting to make the song more marketable.

"It originally went: 'Take me down to the paradise city where the girls are fat and they have big titties," he continued. "The label didn't think that mainstream culture would like that too much."