Officials Say Entire Gas Pipeline Must Be Moved 10 Feet

COLUMBUS -- Ohio Department of Natural Resources director James Zehringer announced earlier today that Enterprise Liquids Pipeline, LLC must uncover and move its entire natural gas pipeline in Ohio 10 feet to the left. Zehringer claims that the company made an error with longitude points when they originally mapped out the project.

"It's a minor mistake, but the consequences are dire," he said. "On the bright side, it will create more jobs for temporary Ohioans."

Several local landowners have already voiced their displeasure, saying that the new requirement will destroy even more farmland.

"My fields were almost unusable for an entire year," said Bloomingdale ambrosia farmer Ralph Elliot. "Whatever. Farming's stupid anyhow."

The company's parent, Enterprise Products, said that the news was completely unexpected, and was not notified of the decision ahead of time.

"I'm not even sure what to make of all of this," said CEO Michael Creel. "They said it has to be moved to the left, not east or west. Which way is left?"

Zehringer said that in order to compensate for the enormous amount of money Enterprise will lose, the company will not be required to pay landowners in order to move the pipeline.

"Well that's nice of them at least," Creel said.

This latest announcement comes only three days after ODNR announced that the Spectra pipeline in Belmont county must add a 3-layer helix spiral around a sacred Native American burial ground in Colerain in order to comply with tribal traditions.

Jambouree In the Hills Canceled

MORRISTOWN -- Officials in Belmont County announced earlier this morning that they have won their court appeal to have Jambouree in the Hills canceled.

The fifth incarnation of the popular British music festival was set to begin this Thursday in the Cotswolds of Gloucestershire, to coincide with Belmont county's Jamboree in the Hills.

The motion was met with fierce opposition in London, but many people in the Ohio Valley said that an event with a similar name running at the same time has caused problems for Jamboree in the Hills.

"Last year, I missed Jambo because I got on a plane to the United Kingdom," Chad Pozzlekonski of Bellaire said. "There were rebel flags everywhere. I could have sworn I was at the right show."

People attending the two shows were not the only ones affected, some of the musicians playing would often travel to the wrong venue as well. Last year, Sheffield metalcore band Bring Me the Horizon showed up at Jamboree in the Hills.

"I honestly couldn't tell the difference," said Roy Werzshlezcieski from Tippecanoe. "Hell, I thought it was Florida Georgia Line."

Live Nation CEO Michael Rapino told Ohio Valley News that he is ready to move on after arguing his case in court for nearly two years.

"It really bothers me sometimes," Rapino said. "People need to stop making assumptions based solely on the headlines they read on news articles without reading the article itself, or realizing that the story was written by a satire publication such as Ohio Valley News, The Onion or Fox News."

JB Green Team Unveils 'Sad Squirrel' Logo Following Lawsuit

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Following the announcement of a lawsuit filed in Belmont County against JB Green Team, the company released a new logo in a plea for sympathy.

"Just look at those sad little squirrels," said program director Clifford Meyer. "You meanies hurt their feelings."

ESPN Courtroom commentator Brent Musburger told OVN that the new logo is an excellent move to buy sympathy from Belmont County common pleas judge Frank Fregatio.

"Judge Fregatio has a soft spot for woodland critters," Musburger said. "This is a huge move, but keep in mind that we don't know how Judge Solovan would react. Remember, he's the one that banned gladiator battles against lions in Shadyside."

The lawsuit was filed by attorney Christopher Gagin, who showed signs of remorse during an interview with Ohio Valley News.

"What have I done?" Gagin asked himself. "Look at what I did to those poor squirrels, they're crying their little eyes out."

Gagin then returned to the Belmont county courthouse to file a lawsuit against himself.

"Hopefully I can find closure and clean up this mess I've created," he said. "The only way to do that is to disbar myself."

A court hearing is set for April 2. Hundreds of squirrels in Belmont and Jefferson counties received subpoenas and will be required to testify under oath. Officials say that applications for squirrel translators are being accepted.