Negative Colors Reveal Domenick Mucci in Background of Clinton Family Portrait

STEUBENVILLE - Researchers at Eastern Gateway Community College announced earlier today that they have discovered the likeness of Steubenville mayor Domenick Mucci in the background of the famous portrait of the Clinton family. Professor Sun Yat-sen, of the graphic design department, said that his students discovered the hidden picture during an in-class assignment.

"We were working with negative colors and one of the students chose the Clinton family for his project," Sun said. "He inverted the colors and there you have it. Mayor Mucci creeping in the back behind Hillary."

Mucci declined to comment on the discovery, leaving the door open for conspiracy theorists across the Valley.

"Could it be?" asked Wintersville resident Don Cayote. "I think this means that our mayor is secretly a Clinton himself!"

Others in the Valley disagree, claiming that the picture means that Mucci has more power than most people realize.

"It's obviously symbolic," said Steubenville resident Nick Carraway. "It means that Mucci is watching over the Clintons, secretly controlling the government. Who knows what other political families he's watching?"

Science fiction writer Alex Jones posted on his blog that he has more information, posting that Mucci's real name is Æçãzaøn, and that he plans to release more on his children's show, InfoWars.

EGCC Receives Grant for Particle Collider

STEUBENVILLE - To the dismay of environmentalist liberals and insane conspiracy theorist conservatives, Eastern Gateway Community College (EGCC) accepted a federal grant on Monday to build the world's largest particle accelerator. The college won a raffle sponsored by the US Department of Education, where it beat out other candidates such as Carnegie Mellon University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT). EGCC President Dr. Laura Meeks said that the new collider will provide science majors with a unique opportunity.

"We have some of the brightest students in the entire world here at EGCC," said Meeks. "I hope we can contribute to the world of science and humanity as a whole."

Jordan Weber, a senior seeking an Associate's Degree in science, said that he can't wait to begin researching.

"I hope I can cure cancer with it," he said.

The collider, to be named the 'Extremely Huge Hadron Collider', will have a circumference of 37 miles and will be capable of producing 36 teraelectronvolts of collision energy.

Many local residents protested the decision, saying that hadron colliders will create black holes. Meeks said that the Ohio Valley is "pretty much a black hole already."

When asked who the school will contract to actually construct the megaproject, Meeks said that she will likely hire workers whom she has dealt with in the past.

"When we had our barn built in our backyard, my husband and I hired an Amish crew from Sugarcreek to build it," she said. "They did a wonderful job and built it so fast. So I think we'll hire the Amish again to build our particle accelerator."