Comments Sections Prove Ohio Valley Favors Regression to Medieval Ages

THE COMMENTS SECTIONS OF LOCAL NEWS ARTICLES -- People who are probably important from Wheeling Jesuit University said that they have conducted a study on the comments sections of local online news articles, and have concluded that the majority of people in the Ohio Valley would prefer to live in the year 1373.

"We've reviewed thousands of comments on the news stories in the Valley," some guy said. "Most of them favor ritual executions for the majority of crimes, torture for others, an outright shunning of modern technology, and most of them want to change the national anthem to Good King Wenceslas."

The important person pointed to recent examples of stories that prove his point.

"Remember that shooting in Steubenville last week?" he asked. "Read a few of these top comments."

"They should let the family of the victim murder the family of the murderer!" said Martha Walker, of Beech Bottom. "That way he'll know what it feels like. Whatever happened to 'eye for an eye?'"

The comments only got more ruthless.

"They should strip him naked and toss him in the woods," said Leon Maxwell CV. "Cover him up in honey and watch the bears and bees tear him apart."

On another story, detailing an assault by three people on an elderly Harrison County man, the comments got more creative.

"They should slowly cut apart the guy and feed him to the girls that helped him," said Lewis C. Carter-Smith. "When the girls are done eating, they should be drawn and quartered like the good ole days."

On a story about a man caught with cocaine in Dillonvale:

"Kill him! Drain the blood from his body while filling his veins coke," said Annie Palmer. "See how he likes drugs then!"

On a story about a shoplifter in Moundsville:

"The death penalty is the only answer," said Rutherford Douglas. "She should at least get the noose, but that's too good for her."

Earlier this week, News 9 reported a story about a man receiving two speeding tickets in the same day in Smithfield.

"Back in the day they used to put criminals in the oven and cook them alive," said Steve Miller. "Instead, this clown will be allowed to break the law again."

Kristen Allen, of Wheeling, was given a citation for jaywalking on Monday.

"She needs to die!" read the top comment, from Jodi-Beth Harrison. "Whatever happened to the old days of law enforcement in this country? Smh. This woman broke the law, strap her to a chair, beat her bloody, dismember her, rip her hair out, dump molten lead on her skin, kill kill kill KILL KILL KILL!"

The comments section of every news article also features a meme with Michael Jackson eating popcorn.

"We don't know what that's all about," said the important guy. "The Ohio Valley is obsessed with it."

WTRF Apologizes for Hysteria After Falsely Predicting Apocalypse

WHEELING - StormTracker 7's Dr. Dave Walker apologized on-air to the Ohio Valley after mistakenly predicting the extinction of the human race.

"Someone read a forecast calling for a meteor shower," said Walker. "But when we were transcribing the story, they wrote 'Asteroid Storm' instead and we just ran with it. I take the blame for that. I know better."

Indeed, the graphics department even went too far as well, broadcasting the image above showing the Ohio Valley burning and several craters where cities used to be.

The aftermath of the weather report caused many people to riot in the streets. Vandalism tore through the valley and several local businesses reported robberies. As is always the case after a disaster, the Associated Press had to apologize to the black community.

"We've been through this before," said the president of the Associated Press, Gary Pruitt. "Black people should know by now that we're sorry we keep saying that they're the only ones looting from stores. In the future, we plan to include Jews, Muslims, Cubans and Democrats on that list as well."

The mistake caused more than $119 billion in damages across the Ohio Valley, from cessations in production, the aforementioned vandalism and hospital visits from people suffering heart attacks and seizures after Walker's stoic reporting of the end times.

"He just seemed possessed as he said it," said 83-year-old Laverne James, who was sent to East Ohio Regional Hospital after fainting, falling down her stairs, being impaled by a fire poker, crushed by a falling bookshelf and finally beaten by a group of white people whom the Associated Press described as 'searching' the house. "His pitch dropped and he stared into the camera without even blinking."

"The Earth is on a collision course with the Asteroid Belt," said Walker during the forecast. "There is nothing you can do to save yourself. The world is going to burn and we are all going to die. I repeat, we are all going to die."

WTRF's News 7 Switches to Animation

WHEELING - Channel 7 has lived in the shadow of the more colorful, raunchier News 9 for many years, but station manager George Green vows to change that. On the station's 6 o'clock program, anchor Nate Fluharty announced Green's plan to make the switch to animated news.

"Starting in two months," Fluharty said. "7 News will be presented to you in the form of a cartoon featuring the cast of Comedy Central's Brickleberry. Our current staff of reporters and anchors will voice these characters."

The reaction was almost instant. People across the valley who could figure out social media vowed to make the change from WTOV to WTRF.

"I'l[l] acshully b[e] abel to pay attenshin too the news! [sic]" said 20 year-old Bryce Hall in a Facebook post. "It['s] ushully so boring. [sic]"

Laurie Conway, Jamie Ward, and Rachael Dierkes will take turns providing the voice for Ethel Anderson (blonde woman in picture), who will be the anchor for all hours that the news program airs. Ethel will be joined by Steve Williams (far left), who will be voiced by Nate Fluharty. Woody Johnson (center) will provide weather and features the harmonized voices of Dr. Dave Walker and Brian Davis. Denzel Jackson (the black one) will cover sports. Scott Nolte and Mike Anthony will provide his voice. Sara Yingling and Kelsey Kennedy will do the voice for Connie Cunaman (woman on right), and D.K. Wright will voice the grizzly bear cub named Malloy.