Mingo Junction Voted Top Ten City to Raise a Family

MINGO JUNCTION - In an article released by Forbes magazine earlier this week, Mingo Junction was voted the #7 city in America to raise a family. Mayor Wiz Fabian said that the city is honored for the ranking and that he is not surprised by it.

"I think one of the biggest draws of living in our little community is a great sense of security," said Fabian. "We've never been able to afford police officers, so you usually don't have to worry about walking around town being harassed."

Aside from the safe environment for the residents, Fabian said the town has a lot to offer local children, which he believes is the main reason Mingo Junction made the cut.

"Kids love urban exploration," he said. "There's all sorts of abandoned buildings for teenagers to sneak into and explore. All sorts of places to hide from their parents. We also have a lot of water line breaks. It's like the kids get a free water park in the summer."

Mingo Junction is known mostly for its glory of former days, but Fabian says that only gives kids more opportunity that ever before.

"There used to be all sorts of stores downtown," he said. "We had a lot of industry in our area. Now that it's gone, the future generations can move in and take their places. If someone wants to open up a television shop or a radio repair business, the building's there for you already. You need only to move in."

Bieber Wins Powerball, Escapes Valley

WHEELING/MINGO JUNCTION TOO - Just one week into Justin Bieber's sentence to Mingo Junction, reports say that Bieber has won the Powerball and escaped the Ohio Valley. The winning ticket was sold at the Marathon gas station on Wheeling Island.

"I think he threw the ticket away at first," said Jayla Freeman, a Belieber who lives across the street from where the singer was placed. "But then Channel 7 posted on their Facebook page that a winning Powerball ticket was purchased in Wheeling! I was so excited so I went and told him!"

Bieber apparently claimed his winnings and fled the valley without a word, only leaving a Post-It note on his door that read: "Siyanora bitches!"

"We're not going to point fingers," said President Obama in a press conference. "We all have to accept the blame for this. We all watch News 7, it's not our fault they aired it. Again, we're not going to point fingers at them. News 7 that is."

ArcelorMittal, Bieber's employer while he stayed in the valley, said that the singer is welcome back to the steel mill whenever he pleases.

"We melted all of his necklaces and chains!" said ArcelorMittal operations manager Larry Fox. "Profits are at an all-time high!"

Justin Bieber Exiled to Ohio Valley, Lands Job With ArcelorMittal

MINGO JUNCTION - In response to an official White House petition that has received over 240,000 signatures, President Obama announced that he will have the Department of Homeland Security relocate Justin Bieber to Mingo Junction, Ohio.

"Legally, I do not have the power to deport people from this country," Obama said. "I can, however, put him somewhere where you'll never hear from him again."

Bieber arrived in his new Mingo Junction apartment on Monday morning. He was seen wondering around town in his signature gas mask, which he uses to keep the nauseous gasses across the river in Follansbee from killing him.

"He's just gonna have to get used to it," said Mingo resident Paul Wilson. "Time to put your big boy pants on."

The pop star spent his first day in the valley shopping around in Fort Steuben Mall while numerous reporters and many others followed his every move. Bieber seemed disoriented as he stumbled around looking for stores.

"Excuse me sir," Bieber asked an elderly man on a bench. "Where might I find a Louis Vuitton boutique?"

The comment drew laughs from several passersby as the man glared at him.

"We don't have Chinese stores around here," said the man.

According to reports, Bieber was set up with a job at the ArcelorMittal steel mill in Weirton. He was sent to the hospital today after his clothes melted to his skin. President Obama said that isn't sure how long Bieber would last in Mingo Junction, but he was certain the musician would never escape.

"The Ohio Valley is a trap for young people," Obama said. "Once you're there, it's the hardest place in America to escape."