MINGO JUNCTION - In response to an official White House petition that has received over 240,000 signatures, President Obama announced that he will have the Department of Homeland Security relocate Justin Bieber to Mingo Junction, Ohio."Legally, I do not have the power to deport people from this country," Obama said. "I can, however, put him somewhere where you'll never hear from him again."
Bieber arrived in his new Mingo Junction apartment on Monday morning. He was seen wondering around town in his signature gas mask, which he uses to keep the nauseous gasses across the river in Follansbee from killing him."He's just gonna have to get used to it," said Mingo resident Paul Wilson. "Time to put your big boy pants on."
The pop star spent his first day in the valley shopping around in Fort Steuben Mall while numerous reporters and many others followed his every move. Bieber seemed disoriented as he stumbled around looking for stores.
"Excuse me sir," Bieber asked an elderly man on a bench. "Where might I find a Louis Vuitton boutique?"
The comment drew laughs from several passersby as the man glared at him.
"We don't have Chinese stores around here," said the man.
According to reports, Bieber was set up with a job at the ArcelorMittal steel mill in Weirton. He was sent to the hospital today after his clothes melted to his skin. President Obama said that isn't sure how long Bieber would last in Mingo Junction, but he was certain the musician would never escape.
"The Ohio Valley is a trap for young people," Obama said. "Once you're there, it's the hardest place in America to escape."
I heard a rumor that Biebs got in a scuffle with the manager of Burlington Coat Factory. Apparently, he was looking for a stylish male fur to help cope with the ongoing polar vortex. When the female manager told him, "Only a real man like Joe Namath can pull off wearing a fur coat. You is just a little boy," Bieber freaked out and slapped her across the face.
ReplyDeleteThe Belmont County Sheriff's Office claims the store video surveillance has been seized as evidence. WTOV9 has filed suit, requesting a copy under the Freedom of Information Act.
Should be interesting to see how this all plays out. Could lead to even greater deportation efforts. Who knows --- Biebs might end up being forcibly relocated to Bell-Dirty.
Obama finally got one thing right.
ReplyDeleteWhat did the Ohio Valley ever do to Obama to force such a fool on them??
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