Bieber Wins Powerball, Escapes Valley

WHEELING/MINGO JUNCTION TOO - Just one week into Justin Bieber's sentence to Mingo Junction, reports say that Bieber has won the Powerball and escaped the Ohio Valley. The winning ticket was sold at the Marathon gas station on Wheeling Island.

"I think he threw the ticket away at first," said Jayla Freeman, a Belieber who lives across the street from where the singer was placed. "But then Channel 7 posted on their Facebook page that a winning Powerball ticket was purchased in Wheeling! I was so excited so I went and told him!"

Bieber apparently claimed his winnings and fled the valley without a word, only leaving a Post-It note on his door that read: "Siyanora bitches!"

"We're not going to point fingers," said President Obama in a press conference. "We all have to accept the blame for this. We all watch News 7, it's not our fault they aired it. Again, we're not going to point fingers at them. News 7 that is."

ArcelorMittal, Bieber's employer while he stayed in the valley, said that the singer is welcome back to the steel mill whenever he pleases.

"We melted all of his necklaces and chains!" said ArcelorMittal operations manager Larry Fox. "Profits are at an all-time high!"