US Rt. 22 Will Add Loop-the-Loop

WEIRTON - In an effort to make commutes to Pittsburgh more amusing, the US Department of Transportation has said that it will begin remodeling US Rt. 22 between Weirton and Pittsburgh. The highway will now feature a variety of twists and turns resembling roller coasters. Officials say that boredom has caused drivers to fall asleep at the wheel, leading to hundreds of millions of deaths last week in West Virginia alone. DOT spokesman Randy Smith says that the move will make the highway much safer.

"The vertical loop and helix turns will force drivers to pay more attention to the road," said Smith. "It also makes it a heck of a lot more fun to drive to Pittsburgh now."

The 110-foot loop-the-loop will be the first addition to open, and will take approximately 34 years to build.

"We're trying to set the bar high for road construction times," said Smith. "The faster we get this done, the better."

Also, in order to safely make it through the loop without falling from the top, the speed limit has been increased from 65 mph to 475 mph. Additionally, a speed minimum has also been added at 350 mph.

"Truck drivers will really like what we've done for them," said Smith. "We tried really hard to see if tractor trailers would be able make it trough but it always ended in catastrophe. So to compensate, we'll also be building a ramp where drivers can jump over a 50-foot wide canyon."

When asked if the new truck ramp will be open to normal traffic in the case of some drivers perhaps being too scared to try the loop, Smith sounded indifferent.

"Well I suppose they could. But why wouldn't you want to try it?"