ODOT Switches to Meters, Improves Cars' MPG Ratings in Ohio

COLUMBUS - In an unprecedented move yesterday, The Ohio Department of Transportation (ODOT) announced that it will now use the metric system to officially measure distances. Ohio becomes the first state in the country to join the majority of the world. ODOT Director Jerry Wray says that he decided to make the switch in order to make Ohio a better place to live.

"We took a long, hard look at current trends in the auto industry," said Wray. "It seems that the cars that sell the most are ones with something called a 'high m/pg rating'. So we figured that if we measure distances in meters instead of miles, that rating would go way up."

Wray's prediction turned out to be true. In a three month study conducted on cars crossing the Market Street Bridge (left) in Steubenville, vehicles leaving West Virginia and entering Ohio suddenly increased their m/pg rating by over one thousand. The opposite proved true for cars leaving the state.

"This is an absolutely remarkable discovery," said Leo Thomas, a professor of engineering at Franciscan University. "Generally cars that get 30 m/pg are considered to have a good fuel economy. A semi-truck averages about 6 m/pg in other states. When a tractor trailer crosses into Ohio, however, it shoots up to 9,656 m/pg!"

While the move provides the state with a much needed boost in fuel economy, many residents of the Ohio Valley have told us that they are worried about the distances between cities increasing.

"I work in Richmond," said Kathy Franklin, a woman who works in Richmond and lives in Steubenville. "And I live in Steubenville. The road sign that points to Richmond originally had a seven on it, now it says 11,265. Do you know how long it's going to take me to get there now?"

Wray noted that some people will be stuck in situations such as Franklin's.

"What used to be a 15-minute drive will now be an epic adventure across the valley," he said. "If she doesn't like it, she should check out our new logo (above)."

US Rt. 22 Will Add Loop-the-Loop

WEIRTON - In an effort to make commutes to Pittsburgh more amusing, the US Department of Transportation has said that it will begin remodeling US Rt. 22 between Weirton and Pittsburgh. The highway will now feature a variety of twists and turns resembling roller coasters. Officials say that boredom has caused drivers to fall asleep at the wheel, leading to hundreds of millions of deaths last week in West Virginia alone. DOT spokesman Randy Smith says that the move will make the highway much safer.

"The vertical loop and helix turns will force drivers to pay more attention to the road," said Smith. "It also makes it a heck of a lot more fun to drive to Pittsburgh now."

The 110-foot loop-the-loop will be the first addition to open, and will take approximately 34 years to build.

"We're trying to set the bar high for road construction times," said Smith. "The faster we get this done, the better."

Also, in order to safely make it through the loop without falling from the top, the speed limit has been increased from 65 mph to 475 mph. Additionally, a speed minimum has also been added at 350 mph.

"Truck drivers will really like what we've done for them," said Smith. "We tried really hard to see if tractor trailers would be able make it trough but it always ended in catastrophe. So to compensate, we'll also be building a ramp where drivers can jump over a 50-foot wide canyon."

When asked if the new truck ramp will be open to normal traffic in the case of some drivers perhaps being too scared to try the loop, Smith sounded indifferent.

"Well I suppose they could. But why wouldn't you want to try it?"