Snoop Dogg Encourages Franciscan Students to Break Out of Their Shells

STEUBENVILLE - Proper rest and relaxation is the key to getting ahead in life, hip-hop artist Snoop Dogg told students at the Franciscan University of Steubenville. He addressed a crowd of 500 students on Monday at the Finnegan Fieldhouse about the importance of social skills and dealing with the calamities of everyday life.

"Sometimes you gotta be careful not to overload yourself you know?" said Dogg. "Sometimes you just gotta let loose, man."

At the beginning of the speech, Mr. Dogg caused many in attendance to gasp as he lit a joint at the podium. The commotion eventually settled down as the smoke saturated the atmosphere.

"See dude, that's exactly what I'm talking about," he said as school officials exchanged shocked looks. "Ya'll are losing your minds over some stupid [stuff]."

Dogg said that students were given a rare opportunity that is not offered to everyone.

"You guys got to realize that college is the only time in your life where you get to experiment," he said. "You're supposed to be learning, so try new things. Sometimes you can learn new things by looking at stuff from a different perspective."

Dogg explained that by taking LSD, students could open their brains to different methods of critical thinking. He also explained that smoking cannabis would help the students overcome their social shortcomings.

"Look man, you'll start talking a lot more when you get a doobie going around the room," he said. "You'll all laugh together and just get along better. It's the perfect ombudsman, get it?"

The now-stoned crowd thought the pun was hilarious.

ODOT Switches to Meters, Improves Cars' MPG Ratings in Ohio

COLUMBUS - In an unprecedented move yesterday, The Ohio Department of Transportation (ODOT) announced that it will now use the metric system to officially measure distances. Ohio becomes the first state in the country to join the majority of the world. ODOT Director Jerry Wray says that he decided to make the switch in order to make Ohio a better place to live.

"We took a long, hard look at current trends in the auto industry," said Wray. "It seems that the cars that sell the most are ones with something called a 'high m/pg rating'. So we figured that if we measure distances in meters instead of miles, that rating would go way up."

Wray's prediction turned out to be true. In a three month study conducted on cars crossing the Market Street Bridge (left) in Steubenville, vehicles leaving West Virginia and entering Ohio suddenly increased their m/pg rating by over one thousand. The opposite proved true for cars leaving the state.

"This is an absolutely remarkable discovery," said Leo Thomas, a professor of engineering at Franciscan University. "Generally cars that get 30 m/pg are considered to have a good fuel economy. A semi-truck averages about 6 m/pg in other states. When a tractor trailer crosses into Ohio, however, it shoots up to 9,656 m/pg!"

While the move provides the state with a much needed boost in fuel economy, many residents of the Ohio Valley have told us that they are worried about the distances between cities increasing.

"I work in Richmond," said Kathy Franklin, a woman who works in Richmond and lives in Steubenville. "And I live in Steubenville. The road sign that points to Richmond originally had a seven on it, now it says 11,265. Do you know how long it's going to take me to get there now?"

Wray noted that some people will be stuck in situations such as Franklin's.

"What used to be a 15-minute drive will now be an epic adventure across the valley," he said. "If she doesn't like it, she should check out our new logo (above)."