Record Number of Buckeye Local Students Sorted Into Gryffindor

RAYLAND - Following the school district's annual midyear sorting ceremony, Buckeye Local superintendent Mark Miller says that this year's freshman class includes a larger-than-usual number of Gryffindors.

"100 percent of them actually, but we have faith in the Sorting Hat," Miller said. "In the end, no matter which House the student is assigned, they all get the same old-fashioned Buckeye Local education."

Students at the high school say that they're glad the ceremony is finally over.

"I was bloody nervous," student Isaac Martin said. "Dad was a Gryffindor and me mum was a Hufflepuff. My elder brother caused a kerfuffle when he joined up with those Slytherins, he's a right dodgy chap, mind you. I'm a Gryffindor now, so now I can focus on my studies."

Martin said that the large number of classmates that were sorted into the same house will help him study more efficiently.

"Transfiguration is mental, I tell you," he said. "I hadn't had it so bad in primary. But now I have all these fellow Gryffindors to study with. I'll need that for Potions and Divination, codswallop if you ask me."

Tanisha Gibson, a transfer student from Steubenville Big Red, said that the Sorting Ceremony left her frightened and confused.

"I just started here like last week," she said. "I've never heard of any of these classes these people are teaching here. Then today they put that hat up on my head and it started talking. I [expletive] you not, that hat started talking."

Gibson then left the building, vowing never to return.

"No, I'm never, ever setting foot in that place again," she said.

Martins Ferry School District superintendent Dirk Fitch told Ohio Valley News that he is embarrassed for his old friend, Miller.

"I would just like to let the Ohio Valley know something very important," he said. "This is what happens when you don't pass your school levies."

Student Swears in Class, Receives Lethal Injection

RAYLAND—12-year-old Michael Kowalski was reportedly executed by guidance counselors at Buckeye Local High School on Monday morning. School officials say that the 7th grader called his teacher an inappropriate name during class.

"We simply don't condone that sort of behavior in our school district," said Principal Coy Sudvary. "His language was contagious and could have spread throughout the school, so we had to take steps to make sure that it never happens again."

Kowalski was injected with 5 grams of sodium thiopental, a drug that inhibits a person's ability to breathe. Parents in the district praised the decision to execute him humanely.

"Spanking children is just so cruel," said Janet DiNapoli. "I'm glad to see that our schools are finding solutions for dealing with troublesome kids."

Some teachers were worried that Kowalski may be subject to bullying after the incident.

"Little Mikey was crying very loudly in the hallway as we drug him to the execution room," said science teacher Lisa Douglas. "Some of his friends might make fun of him for that. Others might think he was faking being dead."

Kowalski's friends stared at the ground in disbelief, obviously shell-shocked, when we tried to interview them.

Once again, as always, elder citizens of the valley said that they do not like the direction that society is taking.

"In my day we treated our teachers with respect," said Yorkville resident Everett Reed. "We dressed like gentlemen and called our teachers 'Ma'am' and 'Sir'."

Reed, 79, is a Korean War veteran and retired mechanic. He says that he tries to teach his grandchildren to behave as he did in the 1950s.

"That was me in '41 at age 16," said Reed, showing us a picture (right) of a greasy rebel smoking a cigarette.

Buckeye Local Enrolls 435 Pound Silverback Gorilla

RAYLAND - Residents of southern Jefferson county are buzzing with excitement after hearing that the Buckeye Local Panthers will be adding a new foreign exchange student from the Democratic Republic of the Congo named 'Spanky' (right) to their football team. The Panthers have been scrambling to find a spark in their offense after losing their first two games by a combined score of 85-6. Head Coach Phil Pest told Ohio Valley News that he thinks the transition will be seamless.

"We don't really have that much of a complicated playbook," said Pest. "It won't be hard for him to learn it by this weekend."

Pest also said that his sideline ques should resemble what Spanky is used to communicating with in the wild.

"We utilize a system of hand signals that he should recognize," said Pest as he demonstrated beating on his chest with his fists.

Spanky is currently expected to play running back in the Panthers' upcoming game at John Marshall. However, some parents are worried about their children's safety after the gorilla sent sophomore wide receiver Tyler Pruitt to the hospital.

"We've been practicing some run plays by giving Spanky the ball and having a teammate lead him to the end zone with a banana," Pest said. "Unfortunately Spanky gets overzealous sometimes."

The 16 year-old Pruitt is currently in stable condition after being beaten off of the sideline fence and hurled into the grandstands of World War II Memorial Stadium.