Buckeye Local Installs Booby Traps In High School

RAYLAND -- The Buckeye Local school board voted earlier today to take extreme measures to improve student safety. Starting this year, lethal booby traps will be placed throughout the high school.

"We're really doing this just so I can be on the news," Superintendent Mark Miller said. "Whoops, I meant that we feel like we owe everything to our students and it is in our best interest to keep them safe. You can edit that first part out, right?"

Buckeye Local will be the first school in the world to implement deadly booby traps as a security measure. Miller designed the traps personally, and took inspiration from Hollywood.

"I was watching Indiana Jones," he said. "That scene where Indy runs away from that boulder came on and the first thing I thought of was it rolling down our hallways and killing terrorists."

Spring-loaded spears will also be installed in the hallway walls in addition to the rolling boulder. Trap doors will also be placed near the entrances to every classroom.

"There's this one incredibly weird emo kid named Billy that scares the hell out of me," Miller said. "Oops, what I meant to say was that you just never know who would harm people. It could be who you least expect. It might even be me if our students' parents don't stop sending me rotten potatoes in the mail."

Booby traps won't be the only new security measure this year, Miller also plans to arm teachers with military-grade weaponry.

"We're also putting a Hydra 70 rocket launcher in our trophy case," he said. "It's meant to be a last resort because it will blow the entire school into rubble, but if that's what it takes to stop these kids from taking too many trips to the water fountain... I mean if that's what it takes to stop an active shooter then we'll be ready."

Record Number of Buckeye Local Students Sorted Into Gryffindor

RAYLAND - Following the school district's annual midyear sorting ceremony, Buckeye Local superintendent Mark Miller says that this year's freshman class includes a larger-than-usual number of Gryffindors.

"100 percent of them actually, but we have faith in the Sorting Hat," Miller said. "In the end, no matter which House the student is assigned, they all get the same old-fashioned Buckeye Local education."

Students at the high school say that they're glad the ceremony is finally over.

"I was bloody nervous," student Isaac Martin said. "Dad was a Gryffindor and me mum was a Hufflepuff. My elder brother caused a kerfuffle when he joined up with those Slytherins, he's a right dodgy chap, mind you. I'm a Gryffindor now, so now I can focus on my studies."

Martin said that the large number of classmates that were sorted into the same house will help him study more efficiently.

"Transfiguration is mental, I tell you," he said. "I hadn't had it so bad in primary. But now I have all these fellow Gryffindors to study with. I'll need that for Potions and Divination, codswallop if you ask me."

Tanisha Gibson, a transfer student from Steubenville Big Red, said that the Sorting Ceremony left her frightened and confused.

"I just started here like last week," she said. "I've never heard of any of these classes these people are teaching here. Then today they put that hat up on my head and it started talking. I [expletive] you not, that hat started talking."

Gibson then left the building, vowing never to return.

"No, I'm never, ever setting foot in that place again," she said.

Martins Ferry School District superintendent Dirk Fitch told Ohio Valley News that he is embarrassed for his old friend, Miller.

"I would just like to let the Ohio Valley know something very important," he said. "This is what happens when you don't pass your school levies."