SHOCKING! Check Out These Ohio Valley Celebs Before Photoshop!

THE WOMAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
News 7's Rachael Dierkes grew up right here in the valley down in Shadyside, but have you ever noticed anything strange? It takes lots of makeup to hide it, but Dierkes was actually born with a rare condition known as face inversion, which means her face is actually upside-down on her otherwise normal head! Yikes! But Dierkes isn't the only member of WTRF hiding a congenital disorder.

THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
Dr. Dave Walker is known for his striking resemblance to Bill Nye the Science Guy as well as being a meteorologist for Storm Tracker 7. Thanks to an excellent A/V editing squad over at WTRF, Walker is able to hide his conjoined twin, a Mexican man named Pepe who is attached to Walker's neck. It's not only news people who are hiding deformities in the valley, though.




THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
Joe Zelek is a graduate of Buckeye Local High School and a very popular local country musician, but he has never hidden the fact that he is part spider. Before performances, Zelek uses a special mask to hide his six extra eyes. However, in music videos these are usually edited out. Joe has always said that his biggest wish was that he would have been born with eight arms instead of eight eyes, that way he could play all of the instruments in his songs at once! If you thought that was shocking, check out some of these other wacky celebs!






THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
Fred Abdalla has been sheriff of Jefferson County for a long time, like a really long time! Most of the general public think they know what he looks like, but did you know it's all a ruse? Abdalla simply uses a combination of makeup and photoshop to blend in with the crowd, and so criminals don't know what he looks like when he's off the job. Here he is on vacation sunbathing in the Ohio River! Think he's the only local politician who uses a disguise? You thought wrong!

THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
Lou Gentile is the Senator for the 30th district in the Ohio General Assembly, but do any of you know where he originated from? Gentile is actually a cartoon character from a long ago cancelled TV series on Adult Swim. Who knew? Well, nobody did until old footage surfaced of a tossed pilot episode of a shelved series named Boink-Boink! When confronted about it, Gentile publicly admitted last month that he really was animated and issued an apology. What could possibly top that you ask?







THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
Robert Murray is an ancient demon from under the surface of Earth who rises every thousand years to harvest the souls of job seeking Americans and trap them underground in his lair. Of course, everybody already knows this (what, have you been living under a rock!?), but it takes a team of 14 photoshoppers to alter Murray's appearance to make him look human. The more you know!

Ma'Lik Richmond Rescues Orphan Children From Fire

STEUBENVILLE - In a true display of the desolation of humanity, the No Child Left Behind orphanage in downtown Steubenville burned to the ground last night. Ohio Fire Marshal Larry Flowers said that arson was the likely cause.

"We found several signs that lead us to believe that one or more accelerants were used," said Flowers. "Only the worst kind of person would burn down an orphanage. All those children would be dead if not for that boy."

Indeed, the orphans owe their lives to one unlikely hero...Steubenville football player Ma'Lik Richmond.

"We were at a party last night celebrating our win against JFK," said coach Reno Saccoccia. "Next thing I know, over the loud music and debauchery, I heard screaming and I saw the fire. Then I saw Ma'Lik running towards it."

Fire crews were already outside the blaze, as were several news outlets (Ohio Valley News among them), when Richmond arrived at the scene, and they told him that there was no chance to rescue the children.

"We mustn't lose hope!" Richmond urged the firemen as he kicked the door to the building down and stormed the foyer, still wearing his football uniform.

Minutes later, he emerged from the building carrying three orphans on his shoulders. Still, the firemen urged Richmond to not re-enter the building.

"You've done all you can," said Pete Miller, a 19-year veteran of the fire department. "The whole thing's coming down!"

Richmond seemed undeterred.

"There's still more children inside!"

Without a second thought, Ma'Lik Richmond ran back into the inferno. When he exited the second time, he had a child under his arm, another on his shoulders, and five more on a makeshift sled that he pulled with his free hand.

"That's all of them," Miller told Richmond. "Now stand aside so we can put this thing out!"

However, one of the children tugged on Richmond's now torn and burnt football jersey.

"Mr. Waffles is still inside!" the little boy cried hysterically.

"Mr. Waffles?" asked Richmond curiously.

"Our puppy!" said another child.

Richmond lifted the little orphan boy's head gently from under his chin.

"You must stay strong child," he said softly.

However, after Richmond entered the third time, the building came crashing down around him after five minutes. This morning, as the fire marshal sifted through the rubble, Richmond's body was discovered curled into the fetal position.

"When we found him, he was twitching slightly," said Marshal Flowers. "We thought he might still be alive, but he had no pulse. That's when we discovered the golden retriever puppy."

The fire marshal determined that as the building collapsed, Richmond curled himself into a protective ball, thus sacrificing himself for the orphan children's dog.

"Mr. Waffles!" the little orphan boy shouted as the puppy leaped into his arms, licking his face.

In Richmond's honor, Flowers stood atop the rubble and gave a speech of lamentation to a large crowd that had gathered at the scene.

"Ma'Lik Richmond," he said. "Let this be a testament to the fact that no matter what actions you have partaken in, no matter your achievements or accomplishments, you will always be remembered in our hearts as something beyond that. In the Ohio Valley, you will always be remembered as 'The Steubenville Rapist'."

State Highway Patrol Grants Entire Force Vacation for Labor Day

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Citing all the hard work the state troopers have done this year, the St. Clairsville post of the Ohio Highway Patrol has granted its entire force vacation for Labor Day.

"We've been really busy these last few summer holidays," said Lt. James Faunda. "On Independence Day alone we had 10 drunken driving arrests and over a thousand traffic stops, so I think it's time our post had a day off."

The Ohio Department of Transportation has predicted one of the most heavily traveled weekends in recent memory, and Faunda believes that the increase in traffic is too much work for the police department.

"It is called 'Labor Day' for a reason, isn't it?" asked Faunda. "Why should we have to work even harder on a day that is supposed to be about taking a break from work?"

Faunda also said that the decision can be seen as a sort of 'community outreach' attempt.

"We've busted so many drunk drivers over the years," he said. "I think they've learned their lesson by now. Besides, what kind of police officers are we if we don't show the community that we trust them?"

$1 Billion Pure Soot Plant Coming to Monroe County

CLARINGTON - Monroe County has faced several devastating blows to its economy in recent years, such as the closing of the Ormet plant, but it seems that there is a finally some light at the end of the tunnel. Texas industrial giant Pollution Services Worldwide has announced plans to build a one-billion-dollar soot factory along the bank of the Ohio River in Clarington. Mayor Doug Wagner told Ohio Valley News that the plant will create more than 200,000 jobs in the Ohio Valley.

"Yes, that's a six-digit figure," said Wagner. "Most of the plant's day-to-day operations is simply creating and releasing black smoke into the sky. It doesn't require any kind of skill, so anyone can do it. The majority of jobs will just be people dumping diesel, coal, gas and oil onto a large fire."

According to Wagner, the pollution created from the plant will open up more jobs through a ripple effect.

"All of Monroe County is going to be covered in black ash by November," he said. "So we'll have to hire a bunch of people to clean it up. Hopefully we can also create more demand for local doctors if we can successfully give enough people cancer."

The plant will also dump pure sulfur dioxide directly into the Ohio River, which Wagner says will help feed less fortunate people in the town.

"We're aiming to kill as many fish as we possibly can in the river," he said. "Fish float when they die, so poorer folks can simply walk down to the wharf and scoop up some dead fish if they're hungry."

Wheeling Mayor Andy McKenzie Drowns in Ice Bucket Challenge Accident

WHEELING - A charity event held at Heritage Port in Wheeling turned tragic when mayor Andy McKenzie got his head stuck in a 5-gallon bucket and drowned in front of terrified onlookers.

The event was supposed to help raise awareness for Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig's disease.

"This was supposed to be a great day for the city," said councilman Eugene Fahey. "We even brought in Stephen Hawking to speak about his own battle with the condition."

Famed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking spoke to the crowd before taking part in the "Ice Bucket Challenge" himself.

"Well, we didn't really tell him what we were going to do," said Fahey. "Sheriff Pat Butler just ran up behind him with the bucket and dumped it on him."

The water caused Hawking's computer to explode, sending him to the hospital with severe burns and destroying his latest research.

"Everybody keeps looking at me like I'm some kind of jerk," Butler told reporters. "But he's paralyzed from the neck down. I'm sure he didn't feel a thing."

The event ended abruptly when Mayor McKenzie decided to take part in the challenge himself.

"Andy wanted to use his own water because he doesn't trust the water from the city lines," said Fahey. "But the ice he was using melted on the way over so we put his bucket in the freezer."

That decision proved deadly, as the surface of the water froze creating a layer of ice on the top of the bucket.

"Sheriff Butler tried to dump it on him, but it was frozen on top and the water wouldn't come out," Fahey continued. "So he just shoved the whole bucket down on Andy's head and he couldn't get it back off."

The break in the ice refroze around the mayor's neck, trapping him inside.

"I pried the bucket off after about 15 minutes," said Butler. "I would have gotten it off sooner but I really had to use the restroom."

Sheriff Butler attempted to use CPR, but failed to resuscitate the mayor.

"We're not really allowed to give mouth-to-mouth in West Virginia," said Butler. "It's too gay, so I went over to my car and got my air compressor."

McKenzie was pronounced dead at 2:34 p.m. Memorial services have not yet been scheduled, but Butler says he will help McKenzie finish the challenge at the showing.

"We made a promise to the city of Wheeling to leave no job undone," said Butler. "I know Andy would have wanted this. So I'll dump the water on his body myself in his honor."

Lauttamus Security Battle Droids Cause Controversy in the Ohio Valley

WEIRTON - A Hancock County judge will hear a class-action lawsuit tomorrow filed by the American Civil Liberties Union against Lauttamus Communications. The lawsuit seeks compensation for damages to property, injuries and death caused by the company's recent line of security battle droids. West Virginia ACLU president Marybeth Beller says that the state has ignored many laws broken by the company.

"It's completely irresponsible," she said. "The Northern Panhandle has become a war zone lately and our elected officials have done absolutely nothing to address the problem."

Last week, Weirton residents protested in front Lauttamus's corporate office after a security bot incinerated a 90-year-old man who was sniffing flowers on private property. Governor Earl Ray Tomblin addressed the issue, saying that a referendum passed by popular vote allowing this type of vigilantism.

"This is what West Virginia wanted," said Tomblin. "That man, like it or not, was trespassing in order to smell those flowers."

The referendum adjusted West Virginia's castle laws last year, allowing residents to deal with trespassers in whatever manner they deemed necessary.

"You just never know what people on your property might be up to," said Tomblin. "The safety of any West Virginian's family always comes first in my book."

Amid Hancock County's controversial public smoking ban, Lauttamus announced today that all security battle droids will be fitted with smoke detectors and heat seeking missiles free of charge.

Terrified Ryan Eldredge Forced Onto News 9 Rocket

STEUBENVILLE - Claiming that the increased altitude will allow him to see more of the Ohio Valley than anyone in the world, producers at News 9 put reporter/anchor Ryan Eldredge onto a recently purchased Saturn V rocket originally built for the Apollo program.

"This is going to help out our weather reports a great deal," said chief meteorologist Kevin Carter. "He'll be up above the clouds and can witness weather patterns first hand."

Eldredge protested that idea as he was being shoved into the rocket.

"I don't know anything about meteorology!" he screamed, kicking at his captors.

Erica Mokay told Ohio Valley News that having Eldredge in the sky will allow the news team to bring breaking news to viewers faster than ever.

"We cover a pretty large territory," she said. "Ryan Eldredge has like 20/5 vision. He can read the teleprompter from 400 feet away!"

Again, Eldredge offered a rebuttal.

"I was using binoculars! Please let me go!" he shouted to whomever would listen.

Rob Metzger said Eldredge will help fill a large hole left by the hospitalized Aly Cohen.

"Aly lost her gun duel with Fred Abdalla," said Metzger. "Luckily all 37 shots missed her vital organs and she's in stable condition. At least we'll have Ryan in the sky watching every game at once."

Eldredge begged to differ.

"How am I supposed to watch a football game from outer space?" he contested.

Also, due to budget cuts, the module Eldredge was supposed to ride in was scrapped at the junkyard. The news team was forced to tie him onto the rocket's exterior with ratchet straps.

"Please!" Eldredge yelled, to no avail. "Let me down! I'm scared of heights!"

His colleagues stood by and drank banana coladas as they watched their coworker venture into the unknown.

"Bye-bye Ryan!" yelled Crissy Clutter as she waved enthusiastically.

Eldredge is scheduled to land in the Pacific Ocean in about 3 years.

Martins Ferry Announces Plan to Lay Gravel on Route 7

MARTINS FERRY - Residents of Martins Ferry say that they are fed up with crossing the railroad tracks that pass over Route 7, and mayor Paul Riethmiller is acting on those frustrations.

"We can't actually repave the highway ourselves because the Department of Transportation has control of it," he said. "But what we are allowed to do is cover the entire thing in gravel."

Reactions to the decision were mixed, but Riethmiller believes that the majority of people will find the gravel to be an improvement.

"It's significantly cheaper," he said. "That means we'll be able to lower taxes. Also, there's much less upkeep needed on a gravel road. Trucks spill rocks on it every single day, and we always have to stop traffic in order to clean it up. Now it'll just blend right in. There won't be any potholes in the road ever again. There won't be slick spots caused by ice. It's an all-round improvement."

Some commuters remain opposed to the plan, however, saying that gravel doesn't actually address the problem.

"I've heard the mayor's arguments," said West Wheeling resident Barack Obama. "That doesn't actually solve the problems those tracks cause to my Daewoo. A train's just going to come through and push the gravel out of the way and it will be much worse. In fact, trains are probably going to derail."

Riethmiller says that if the trains travel fast enough, that problem will be averted.

"If the train speeds up to about 95 miles per hour, it will hit the gravel hard enough to jump over the entire highway," he said.

Big Red Players Don Paper Bags And Lose Numbers to Hide Ma'Lik Richmond

STEUBENVILLE - Much to the dismay of figuratively everyone but surprise to literally nobody, Steubenville Big Red football coach Reno Saccoccia has allowed Ma'Lik Richmond to rejoin the football team at Steubenville High School. Richmond was convicted of raping a girl from West Virginia at a party in 2012. Saccoccia told reporters earlier today that the team will no longer wear numbers and will be required to wear paper bags on their heads so nobody knows which one is Richmond.

"Every game we play this year, we're going to have hecklers in the stands shouting at Richmond," said Saccoccia. "Home or away, I can guarantee you they will be there. I'm actually very interested to hear the names they call him. Students can be quite creative."

This most recent announcement follows the news that Richmond will also be allowed to rejoin the Steubenville Chess Club and the Boy Scouts of America. All three announcements have sparked wide outrage in the town.

"Look at that little smile on his face," said Steubenville resident Ramsay Snow. "If it were up to me, I would cut the skin off of his bones and make Reno wear it as a shirt."

Snow, along with other Steubenville residents, suggested punishments that the district should give to Richmond at the last school board meeting.

"I say an eye for an eye," remarked Sonya Daniels. "He should be tied to a school bus and paraded around town while Jellybean the Clown sodomizes him with one of her balloons."

Wintersville native Clint Boykin, much like the majority of people, suggested a much less barbaric form of punishment.

"Hang the damn bastard," he said, sporting a 'Free Trent Mays' shirt. "In front of his family. Leave him there until he rots and falls out of the noose."

Richmond said that aside from the very small number of people that hate him, life has continued on as normal since his release.

"It's been great," he said through the mouth hole in his paper bag. "I just got my date for homecoming this year. In fact, I just got back from her house. I met her parents and we all went out to eat at Olive Garden."

Steubenville's first game of the season is this Thursday, against John F. Kennedy High School from Cleveland. Steubenville is the heavy favorite, but the paper bags may level the odds.

"We have a ton of work to do," said Saccoccia. "We've got players running into each other and jumping straight out of bounds. I told our tight end to run a flag route and he got hit by a car."

As expected, coach Saccoccia told us that he has a 'Plan B'.

"Off the record," he said, rolling a cyanide pill in his fingers. "Their Gatorade might taste a little funky. We'll do whatever it takes."

Off the record? Screw you Reno.

Steubenville Accidentally Sets New Curfew For Daytime Instead of Night

STEUBENVILLE - In an effort to keep children inside their houses while the adults shoot at each other outside, the city of Steubenville tried to implement a curfew. The plan was to require teenagers ages 16 and 17 to be inside between 11 p.m. and 5 a.m. However, when Steubenville mayor Domenick Mucci signed the curfew into law, he didn't notice the 'a.m.' and 'p.m.' had been switched around.

"Oh son of a bitch!" Mucci screamed when the error was pointed out by News 7 reporter D.K. Wright at a news conference.

As it stands, teens in Steubenville must be inside their homes by 11 in the morning, and stay inside until 5 in the afternoon. When asked if the city police department could simply ignore the new law, Mucci said that it was impossible.

"No, no, no that's not how any of this works," he said. "If we want to change the times for the curfew, we have to draft up a whole new one. Then we have to deliberate. Then we have to listen to [Steubenville councilman] Gerald DiLoreto talk about why we don't need a curfew. Then we have to hold a town hall meeting. Then we need to vote again. Trust me, Bill McCafferty really doesn't listen to me."

Police Chief William McCafferty said that he understands that the city council made a mistake, but he is also sworn to uphold the law.

"Look, they made a typo, I get it," said McCafferty. "But the law's the law, and this is the law now. If you're a teenager and you're outside during the day, you're going to be arrested."

McCafferty said that the curfew was drafted after a teenager was found with 20 bags of heroin during a traffic stop.

"All we ask is that if the kids are going to use heroin, they need to use it within the safety of their own homes," said McCafferty.

Melinda Young, Steubenville City School's interim superintendent, said that the mistake means that school will have to be held in the early morning hours.

"We can't force the kids to go outside and break the law," she said. "So school will now be held from 10 at night until 5:30 in the morning."

Mingo Junction Voted Top Ten City to Raise a Family

MINGO JUNCTION - In an article released by Forbes magazine earlier this week, Mingo Junction was voted the #7 city in America to raise a family. Mayor Wiz Fabian said that the city is honored for the ranking and that he is not surprised by it.

"I think one of the biggest draws of living in our little community is a great sense of security," said Fabian. "We've never been able to afford police officers, so you usually don't have to worry about walking around town being harassed."

Aside from the safe environment for the residents, Fabian said the town has a lot to offer local children, which he believes is the main reason Mingo Junction made the cut.

"Kids love urban exploration," he said. "There's all sorts of abandoned buildings for teenagers to sneak into and explore. All sorts of places to hide from their parents. We also have a lot of water line breaks. It's like the kids get a free water park in the summer."

Mingo Junction is known mostly for its glory of former days, but Fabian says that only gives kids more opportunity that ever before.

"There used to be all sorts of stores downtown," he said. "We had a lot of industry in our area. Now that it's gone, the future generations can move in and take their places. If someone wants to open up a television shop or a radio repair business, the building's there for you already. You need only to move in."

BREAKING: Sheriff Abdalla's Eyebrows Really Are Made From Velcro

STEUBENVILLE - In a startling discovery, investigators in Jefferson County have concluded that the infamous eyebrows of Sheriff Fred Abdalla are actually two strips of Velcro. Lead detective Charlie Fernandez said that the findings have huge implications for every case Abdalla has worked on.

"Every single indictment that the Jefferson County Sheriff's department has been involved with has to be reviewed now," he said. "We have to make sure that he never illegally obtained evidence using his eyebrows."

Indeed, sheriff's deputies working under Abdalla have been suspicious for years. Deputy Mike Svenkolovski said that Abdalla's knack for finding evidence was almost immaculate.

"We'd walk into a suspect's house and ask him some questions," said Svenkolvski. "We wouldn't have a warrant to search the place or anything, but somehow he was always able to snatch something. I remember one time we went into a man's house who was suspected of rape. When we left, Fred had a tissue stuck to his face. He told me he got all the evidence he needed."

Abdalla's eligibility to run for sheriff has also been called into question. Because the eyebrows are not natural hair, some in the Ohio Valley are wondering if Abdalla is even entirely human.

"Technically, if the reports are found to be truthful it would make Abdalla a cyborg," said Dr. Smith Bill. Dr. Bill is an anthropology professor at Franciscan University of Steubenville. "According to state laws, only a human being can run for office."

In 1974, the Ohio Supreme Court ruled that the city of Toronto could not elect a chicken into the mayor's office. If that case sets precedence, Abdalla could be forced to retire.

OVMC Urges Parents to Talk to Kids About 'Ebola Challenge'

WHEELING - It's the latest internet craze, and officials at the Ohio Valley Medical Center are wondering if anyone is going to try it. According to Dr. Harrison Purple, videos are going to start popping up of teens injecting themselves with the deadly virus.

"Ebola is an incredibly risky thing to put in your body," he said. "The mortality rate is thought to be as high as 90 percent. We all know how stupid our kids are. Teens like to live recklessly, and if I were young still I'd definitely be giving it a try."

Dr. Purple's statements in The Herald Star sent paranoid parents around the Ohio Valley into a massive hysteria. Wintersville resident Bertha Connors said she even had to ground her daughter.

"My daughter is a dolt if you ask me," she said. "She drives her car over the speed limit, and I think she drinks alcohol sometimes and engages in sexual copulation. I even had to take her to the emergency room last year after she inhaled some secondhand marijuana."

New superintendent of the Indian Creek School District John Rocchi said that combating the Ebola Challenge will be a top priority for the upcoming school year.

"We installed a new shower system at every entrance to the high school," said Rocchi. "The showers will hose down every student with Clorox bleach every time they enter the premises."

Clorox has become a sponsor for the school district after agreeing to use the brand for its disinfection system.

KOOL 105 Mourns Death of Last Fan

ELM GROVE - Mary Lou Anderson, 97, of Elm Grove, W.Va. died peacefully in her sleep on Sunday afternoon. Anderson was notable for being the last living fan of Bellaire radio station WUKL KOOL 105. Dwayne Dancer, the station's daytime host, said that Anderson was a kind lady, but he is glad to finally be able to move on to new opportunities.

"It's such a shame that I feel so happy that someone died," said Dancer. "Honestly though, it was a little exhausting announcing that Mary Lou Anderson was the Kool Kat of the day every single day. C'mon, that's just stupid."

With no fans remaining alive, KOOL 105 must make a decision within 30 days on whether or not it will continue playing 'Classic Hits' or move on to a new genre. Dancer says that he supports a change in pace.

"Hey I like some of these songs too, obviously," he said. "But there's only so many times in one day that I can hear Supertramp without losing my mind. Besides, nobody really listens to this station unless they're in a waiting room at OVMC or something."

President Obama Ready to Perform at Jamboree in the Hills

MORRISTOWN - Following weeks of preparation, President Barack Obama announced that he is confident he will be able to please the crowd with his upcoming performance at Jamboree in the Hills.

"I have OK'd this with Michelle," said Obama. "I've been practicing a few Elvis tunes to sing to her every now and then, and I can't wait to head out to Morristown, Ohio and give those folks what they came to see!"

Obama's performance will be supplemented with a guest appearance by the Ohio Valley's own Brad Paisley. The duo will perform Paisley's 2013 song 'Accidental Racist' together.

"It's the ultimate honor," said Paisley. "When I wrote that song, I hoped that it would help dissipate a little bit of the racism I've grown accustomed to in the Ohio Valley. Now, with this performance, we can finally end discrimination once and for all."

Obama has made his set list available to view on the White House's official website. Notable songs include Lynyrd Skynyrd's 'The Ballad of Curtis Loew', Taylor Swift's 'Love Story' and 'Football Friday Night' by Joe Zelek. He will also perform his own rendition of a certain Garth Brooks song with different lyrics and a different title, which Obama has dubbed 'Friends in High Places'.

The Secret Service was initially skeptical, according to reports. However, after interviewing residents around the valley, the anxiety seems to have subsided.

"You know, I haven't exactly been this president's biggest fan," said St. Clairsville native Clint Sawyer. "But me and my friends are very open-minded people and we're looking forward to the show!"

Wellsburg-Brilliant Photon Beam Bridge Set to Open in 2177

WELLSBURG - Ohio Vallians have been whining about not having a bridge between Wellsburg, W.Va. and Brilliant, Ohio for nearly 30 years, and it finally seems that their pleas are being answered. Officials from both states agreed on Monday to begin construction on the bridge in about 150 years.

Wellsburg mayor Sue Simonetti said that the bridge will be a major boost for the town's businesses in the future.

"It would be a major plus for our businesses to have access to consumers in Brilliant," she said. "We want to make sure that our local jobs will be secure someday."

The deal set a maximum budget of 157 trillion dogecoin to build the bridge that will be based on technology that hasn't been invented yet. Simonetti said that she's not quite sure how the bridge will work, but it will probably be convenient and aesthetically pleasing.

"Basically, we imagine that one day scientists will invent a way to condense light," she said. "It will probably be dense enough to drive on. What's even more interesting is that you would probably be able to instantly retract it whenever nobody is driving on it."

Scientists at Belmont Technical College have already began working on developing the new technology, but have expressed doubts on being able to honor the required deadline.

"I'm not sure 163 years is enough time for a project this big," said assistant professor Dan Blotsky. "But our entire staff and all of our engineering students will be hard at work on this for the rest of our lives."

While many people are excited about the bridge's arrival, some people (especially on the West Virginia side) remain opposed.

"That's the last thing we need," said Wellsburg native Ralph Zalenski. "They're going to put this bridge up and make it that much easier for those darned Ohioans to come get our jobs. I say keep them on their side of the river."

Murray Energy Plans Extermination of Retirees

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Following its acquisition of Consolidation Coal Co. mines last year, Murray Energy announced plans to begin a company-wide purge, executing nearly 1,200 retirees from the mines it purchased last year. Beginning Dec. 31, Murray plans on trapping the retired miners underground and detonating a large canister of mustard gas.

CEO Robert Murray says that the decision to execute the retirees came to him in a dream.

"I was sleeping on my water bed full of molten gold," said Murray. "The dark lord Ha-Satan-Obama appeared to me and convinced me to convert to the worship of R'hllor, the Lord of the Light. Plus, I'm a huge supporter of Mao Zedong and the Chinese Communist Party."

The purge will also let Murray Energy cut back on employee wages by eliminating food allowances.

"Once we kill all of the former CONSOL employees, we will feed their corpses to our own miners," said Murray. "They won't need money to put food on the table anymore, so we can finally cut that out of their salaries."

Murray also warned that if his employees do not convert to his new religion, he will decide their fates for them.

"If they do not give up their false idols, I will bring the fury of the Fire God and burn them at the stake with napalm dropped from my private fighter jets," said Murray. "And I will force their families to feast upon their charred remains."

New Local Cereal Valley-Yum! Reverses Sugar Effects, Calms Children Down

WHEELING - General Mills opened a new cereal plant on Chapline Street in Wheeling last week, creating hundreds of new jobs and producing a delicious new cereal with that home-cooked feel. General manager of the General Mills plant Gen. Douglas Fox, said that the new breakfast treat reverses the "hyper-activity trend" commonly associated with sugary cereal.

"Parents often refrain from buying their kids cereal with artificial flavoring in it because it makes them insufferable little brats," he said. "But Valley-Yum's secret ingredient actually stops kids from acting like wild baboons released from the zoo."

According to studies conducted by Wheeling Jesuit University, Valley-Yum! not only prevents the children becoming hyper-active, it completely stops them from being active at all.

"We took 50 random children and studied their activity levels for two months," said biology professor Leroy Skinner. "Then we measured their activity levels after giving them Valley-Yum! No matter their initial activity levels, they all gave up texting, computer games, Facebook and everything else that normally leads to juvenile delinquency, murder and satan worship."

Skinner noted that the cereal did seem to increase the children's fondness for watching C-SPAN.

"They suddenly enjoyed watching senators discussing foreign policy," he said. "And by golly did they love The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross."

Skinner's team also discovered that the cereal seemed to be an acquired taste.

"Most of the children didn't like it the first time, or the second time for that matter," he said. "But now their parents can barely keep the pantries full! It's all they eat! This will be great for business in our area."

Ohio Valley Will Have Estonia's Weather This Weekend

Good morning, afternoon, evening or night! We don't have to tell you what the weather's like today because you can just figure it out by going outside! Hooray!

Tomorrow, which is Friday if you forgot what comes after today, there's going to be all sorts of blowing stuff outside. Winds are expected to reach speeds close to 200 mph, so if you like NASCAR (who are we kidding, of course you do) you'll know exactly how fast we're talking about! Roger's Flea Market is expected to be in full swing tomorrow, so if you see stuff flying off of tables hurry up and grab it! It's yours!

Saturday is of course National Estonia Day and the Ohio Valley plans to honor the European country by having whatever weather Estonia does. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity for valley people to experience what life is really like in Europe.

As always, Sunday will be absolutely perfect. Ice Cube's 1993 hit song 'It Was a Good Day' will be played on repeat at full volume outside of the courthouse in Steubenville all day.

Monday will have a song of its own; 'Taps' will play once midnight strikes. You're all going to feel really pessimistic as you return to work and Wheeling officials will be handing out free SSRIs.

Thanks for choosing Storm Stalkers for your weekend weather report! From the area's worst team of meteorologists, we'll see ya next time!

Dasani in Water Lines Gives Local Family $3,200 Water Bill

WHEELING - A mistake at the Wheeling Water Department has left one local man with an astronomical water bill. Wheeling officials noticed that their drinking water started to taste a little "funky" earlier this month, and finally realized that they had been drinking the water from the city's water treatment plant that was meant for disposal. Mayor Andy McKenzie said that the city building's drinking water went to an unintended destination.

"We accidentally sent all of our Dasani water some guy's house," he said. "He's been peeing in Dasani, washing dishes with Dasani and taking his showers in Dasani. It's pretty funny."

Anthony Parsons (pictured) is not too pleased.

"I can't pay $3,200 for a water bill" he said. "I'm not a millionaire."

Mayor McKenzie said that the mistake is technically Parsons' fault.

"He's the one who is a citizen of Wheeling," said McKenzie. "And the citizens of Wheeling elect their own officials and pay the salaries of everyone here. He's technically our boss, so it's his problem not ours."

McKenzie also said that Parsons should have known not to desecrate the city's cherished Dasani supply.

"If he wasn't so stupid, he would have realized that the water he was showering in was too crisp to be city water," he said. "But he crapped in it anyway. It's not the water department's fault that he did that."

Tank Driving Ohio County Woman Wins Medal After Setting DUI Record

OHIO COUNTY, W. Va - Police say that the Ohio Valley has a new heroine this morning after 45-year-old Sharon Arnett (right) broke the world record for drunken driving. Arnett apparently had a blood-alcohol content three times higher than Anakin Skywalker's midi-chlorian count. Sheriff Pat Butler told reporters that it's times like this that make him proud of West Virginia.

"I'm just swelling with pride," he said. "I know it's technically illegal but I'm not exactly one for all that legal mumbo-jumbo. She drove her vehicle better than half my deputies drive their cruisers."

Arnett was pulled over in Triadelphia, driving an M1A2 Abrams main battle tank (example left). Inside were numerous bullet proof vests, rocket launchers and assault rifles. Butler said that, according to the 2nd Amendment, Arnett is allowed to drive a tank on the roads and her concealed-carry license is more than enough documentation for her arsenal.

"My main worry is for public safety," he said. "I hope you don't publish the fact that she has a concealed-carry permit. Someone might try to rob her because of that."

Butler, famous for his "public record is private information" logic, says he will award Arnett with the coveted West Virginia Metal of Valor.

"It takes extreme bravery to drive a tank drunk," he said. "She deserves recognition for that. She is a true West Virginian."

New Research Proves Ohio Valley is Literally the World's Largest 'Friendzone'

PITTSBURGH - Call it bad luck, blame it on the economy or whatever you want. But admit it. Every married couple you know is getting a divorce. All of your single friends are downtrodden by Cupid himself, and you don't believe that there are other fish in the Ohio River. Luckily for you and your anti-depressant bill, really, really smart people at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh have figured out why.

"There's nothing to do in that dump!" said Dr. Werner Kettering (right). "Married couples are getting bored and there's nowhere to take people out on dates. So, they naturally remain friends."

The research was done by analyzing the Facebook posts and Twitter tweets of an unspecified amount of teenagers whining in the Steubenville and Wheeling metropolitan areas.

"The sheer size of the boring area is what shocked us," said Kettering. "It is literally the largest 'friendzone' in the world. How can there be so many people that can't find anything to do?"

People around the valley shared that sentiment, and most of those who actually had a signifacant other said that they ventured beyond the area to find them.

"I met my dear lovely wife Annabelle when I moved to Brownsville, Tenn. from Steubenville," said Roger Parkinson. "She's just so much more into my tastes than people from the Ohio Valley."

Brownsville is a small town in western Tennessee with a population roughly half of Steubenville's, and somehow the people there are different psychologically.

Critics of the new discovery point out that the Ohio Valley is literally the exact same as 90 percent of everywhere else.

"What, they think that people outside the Ohio Valley are different?" rhetorically asked Matilda Davis of Carlisle, Iowa. "There's drama everywhere you go, and there's nothing to do anywhere if you're a complete idiot."

Michael Bay Directs Mock Accident at Weir High

WEIRTON - In an effort to reduce the risk of students drinking and driving at this year's prom, Weir High decided to step things up a notch. Susan Smith, superintendent for the Hancock County School District, said that standard mock accidents generally don't get the point across to students.

"This year, we concluded that we really needed to traumatize students," she said. "So we hired Hollywood special effects expert and director Michael Bay to coordinate this year's accident."

The mock scene began with a group of friends leaving a house party after prom night. They got in a car while joking that their 'designated drunk driver' was inebriated. Another student jumped in the car with a keg and inserted the tap into the driver's mouth.

"It's a little variant on the keg stand," Bay said. "You get in the car with the keg and then chug while driving. We used to do it all the time in high school."

The car was travelling at speeds over 90 mph, according to Bay. It sped through the high school's parking lot before running over an old woman in a wheelchair.

"And she had this crazy backstory we told the students too," said Bay. "She's just coming out of her nursing home to see the birth of her great-grandson, only she doesn't make it there."

The collision sent the old woman flying from the school all the way into the Ohio River. The car then lost control and slammed into parked cars where it exploded and shot 20 feet into the air.

"It was so awesome," said student president Greene Brian. "There were body parts flying everywhere out of that thing! The wreckage even landed on the principal's car!"

A Life Flight helicopter then attempted a landing, but it was too close to the car when its gas tank exploded, sending the helicopter spiraling out of control until it collided with the school. The helicopter dangled on the edge of the roof, threatening to fall while the crew waited inside helplessly.

"Then we rushed the students over to this little set we built," Bay said. "And there was this guy in there that screamed: 'We have to get them out of there!'"

Smith said that she thinks the program was a success.

"I hope that the students learned something today," she said. "Hopefully this will make them think twice about drinking and driving."

Greene Brian said that he and his friends enjoyed the mock accident.

"Man that was a heck of a show," said Brian. "I wonder if he'll come back for the sequel. Too bad I'm graduating, Homecoming would be the perfect setup."

UFOs Spotted in Steubenville, Mayor Says People Are "Just Seeing Things"

STEUBENVILLE - The Steubenville Police Department released a statement to reporters that is has been flooded with frantic callers around town claiming to see spaceships in the skies. Stewart Dawes of Follansbee sent the image to the right to several media outlets. He claims that the odd figure in the center of the picture is possibly a UFO. Steubenville mayor Domenick Mucci told reporters that people shouldn't give in to sensationalism.

"That's a load of horse sh*t," said Mucci. "The weather service releases weather balloons on the top of the hill and people are always mistaking them for UFOs. It could just be clouds too. Sometimes the sun just shines through the clouds a little differently. The media likes to jump on it for ratings. If you believe this crap, then you're a f**king retard."

The image sent by Dawes was not the only one making rounds on social media. An anonymous reader sent this picture (left) to OVN, claiming that it shows a green alien waving at people in front of Harding Middle School. Some people around town remain skeptical.

"People will believe absolutely anything," said Mankar Camoran, a Steubenville native and author of The Mysterium Xarxes. "That could be anything from a cat, to a rat or a toad. It could also be pareidolia. We shouldn't jump to conclusions."

Camoran points out that another image (right), taken from a slightly different angle, clearly shows that the figure, while still resembling an alien spaceship, is completely different.

"Now when you look at it, it looks like there are much more lights on it," he said. "It's slightly smaller, it's a different color, there are antennae on the top, a 2013 model Zxxstania Industries communications relay and a Jyrstikanium Warp Drive. The last picture didn't show any of that. It's clearly fake."

Mucci took to Twitter to express his disdain for the UFO rumors.

News 9's Aly Cohen Hospitalized by Steelers LB Lawrence Timmons

PITTSBURGH - A spokesperson for the Sinclair Broadcast Group said that WTOV-9 reporter Aly Cohen has awoken from her coma and is in good spirits. Cohen was rushed to the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center (UPMC) after receiving a devastating tackle from Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Lawrence Timmons.

Cohen was filming a package for her News 9 Sports Challenge series, which airs Thursdays on News 9 Live at 5. She has taken on various challenges from people around the valley, such as cup stacking competitions, mechanical bull riding and bowling. On the last show, she made 30 straight free throws to beat free throw legend Jim Pryor. For this upcoming week, she received her biggest challenge yet.

"Man I watched that free throw thing on TV," Timmons said in an interview. "She could've beaten Lebron James at that. So I had to step it up and represent the NFL before she put us to shame too."

Cohen suited up in football pads and was given five attempts to make it 15 yards past the 234-lb Timmons and score a touchdown. Unfortunately, she only made it through the first attempt.

"I'm not letting some girl beat me," said Timmons. "No way. Coach [Mike Tomlin] always says I gotta give it 100 percent every time. I hit her with everything I've got."

"The hit", as it is being called, was so loud that some people mistook it for a gunshot. Cohen was subsequently airlifted to UPMC where she received treatments for a concussion. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is unsure whether or not Timmons will be fined.

"I sent her some flowers," said Timmons. "And a get-well card. I wrote her a note in it. It says, 'This ain't over, Aly. You've still got four more tries.'"

News 9 Sports Challenge will not air next week, but Cohen's "Wild West Duel to the Death" challenge with Sheriff Fred Abdalla is still scheduled as planned.

West Liberty Nervous About Disney Executives at Championship Game

EVANSVILLE, Ind - The Hilltoppers of West Liberty University are on an incredible run, making it all the way to the Division II National Championship Game in Evansville, Indiana. There they will take on the 20th ranked Central Missouri Mules. Despite the team's composure being at an all-time high, coach Jim Crutchfield said that he's worried about upcoming distractions.

"When we took the team went out for dinner last night, I noticed a pair of gentlemen watching us," Crutchfield said nervously at a media conference. "I'm not going to make any assumptions, but they were wearing Disney uniforms."

Some of West Liberty's players noticed the men as well.

"We've faced an incredible amount of adversity this year," said senior All-American Cedric Harris (above). "Those Disney guys eat that up. I think that's what brought them out here."

"We have a chance to put West Liberty on the map," said Shawn Dyer. "We have to win this game, or else Central Missouri will have a movie made about them instead."

Central Missouri is the underdog in the game, ranked 20th to the Hilltoppers' number 7 ranking. Crutchfield said that the team has to be careful not to be portrayed as the evil team that crushes the dreams of the good guys.

"There's many different ways this game can play out," he said. "We have to make sure that we don't blow them out, that's key. That will set up a plot where in the sequel the Mules get revenge in the next season. I have to make sure that one of our players gets injured and miraculously comes back onto the court to hit the game-winning shot."

He also said that his appearance is a crucial key in the game.

"I'm a player's coach," said Crutchfield. "I have to make sure that these guys know that. So there won't be any yelling at these guys. I'm going to greet the other team cordially and wish them good luck. I've also been practicing putting my arm around their shoulders and giving butt slaps to players going into the game from the bench."

Ohio Valley News reporters noticed a man in the crowd with a notebook that had a list of names written at the top, including 'Richard Gere = Crutchfield'. The man winked at our reporters and pressed his fingers to his lips.

Murray Energy Announces Line of Coal Wedding Rings and Other Products

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Finally conceding that the coal industry will one day give in to more environmentally-friendly methods of producing energy, Murray Energy CEO Robert Murray told reporters that his company will begin selling its coal in a much different manner.

"We're still going to stay in the energy business," said Murray. "We'll get hydroelectric power plants and wind farms going, but we have to secure local jobs first."

Murray said that in order to let local coal miners keep their jobs, his company will produce various coal products for the consumer. The first product he described was a wedding ring, using this one from Worth 1000 (above) as an example. The Murray Energy line of wedding rings will replace the traditional diamond with a piece of coal.

"Coal and diamonds are both allotropes of carbon," said Murray. "So the meaning behind the ring stays the same but it gets a more 'at home' kind of feel."

Sticking with the romantic theme, Murray also revealed a line of Murray Energy cologne.

"If there's one thing women cannot resist in the Ohio Valley, it's a coal miner," he said. "If you're not a coal miner, the girls are going to think you're some kind of pussy. If you can't be a coal miner for some reason, our scientists have come up with a way to trick people into thinking you're one. We're proud to introduce Sueur du Mineur."

The cologne was created from a mixture of coal miner sweat and freshly excavated lignite dust. It even subtly tints your skin to make it look like you just got out of the mine.

The final product that Murray previewed was the company's own brand of grilling fuel.

"I know we've got a lot of grillers here," he said. "I have a vision for next year's Jamboree in the Hills. I want every grill at Valley View to burn anthracite instead of charcoal. Companies like Kingsford would like you to believe that charcoal is real coal. They're lying to you. Charcoal can give you a great tasting dinner, but does it stack up to the real thing? We're going to give you the opportunity to tell us for yourselves."

At the end of the conference, the company handed out gift bags containing samples of the cologne and the grilling coal, provided the recipient signed a non-liability waiver.

No Weather At All This Saturday

It's going to be a wild day for weather today. Temperatures will be at 60 degrees when you wake up but will plummet down to about 22 below zero once the sun comes up. There will most certainly be all three types of precipitation out, so all you rain lovers out there will get your wish.

Friday's weather is contingent upon your location. It's going to be as cold as ice down in Wheeling but blazing hot in the Steubenville area.

There won't be any weather at all on Saturday, as the Earth's atmosphere is scheduled to be down for routine maintenance.

Sunday and Monday's forecasts are the exact same as they always are. On Sunday you can expect to walk around the city without fear of being mugged and people will absolutely break into song with you no matter what tune you sing. Monday is of course Back to Work Day, with scattered bursts of contagious depression and weather that will make you happy when you see Sarah McLachlan come on TV.

From the area's worst team of meteorologists, thanks for choosing OVN for your weekend weather report! Stop back next week!

Carrollton Residents Sick of School Being Delayed in 15 Minute Increments

CARROLLTON - Parents and students in Carrollton say that their school's system of weather delays is confusing and inconvenient. The school district is the only one in Ohio that issues a series 15-minute delays instead of the standard 2-hour delay.

"Sometimes the Snowbird Report on News 9 takes over an hour to go all the way through," said Alice Chambers, 42, whose son Anthony attends the middle school. "So sometimes we don't even know if they decided to delay school for another 15 minutes!"

Also, unlike other schools, Carrollton has no limit as to how long school can be delayed before classes are cancelled altogether, forcing people to sit in front of the TV all day if no decision is reached.

"One time we ended up having a 6-hour, 45-minute delay," said Anthony Chambers. "There's 9 periods of class in each school day, so every class was a minute and a half long. You should have seen how funny lunch was."

During Carrollton's 15-minute school days, lunches are placed on the tables ahead of time for the students and they have to eat the entire meal in the allotted time.

"We grade our students as part of lunch class," said Superintendent Dave Quattrochi. "It's part of our district standard to make sure our students are eating healthy. If they don't finish their meals, they fail lunch."

The district's policies are scheduled to be re-examined at the next school board meeting, 5 years from now on June 14, 2019.

Local Principal Arrested for Inappropriate Relationship With School Building

MARTINS FERRY - The Belmont County Sheriff's Department said they had arrested Jim Fogle, principal of Anna Marie Ayers Elementary School, after discovering that he was sending risque text messages to the school building. Sheriff David Lucas told us that the arrest concludes a month-long investigation.

"We had our suspicions for the longest time," said Lucas. "People had been reporting some strange behavior from Mr. Fogle for quite a while."

One student said that she saw the principal sneak into the custodian's room to grab a mop after hours. Mr. Fogle then proceeded to "passionately scrub the floors while whispering things."

"I couldn't believe what I saw," said 3rd grader Maggie Wallace. "I just ran home crying as fast as I could and told my Mommy."

Other students reported witnessing Fogle making out with the brick walls, caressing the foyer and waxing the building's interior.

"One time when I was teaching class we just saw Mr. Fogle pop up out of nowhere outside the window," said science teacher Douglas Adams. "He started cleaning them and he was using way too much Windex. Like a lot of it. Too much for the kids to be seeing."

When the reports became consistent, Sheriff Lucas decided to monitor Fogle's cell phone.

"You should see the things he was saying to the building," he said. "'Oh yea Annie I can't wait to get to work today so I can spill my coffee all over your carpet' was one of them. Another one read, 'damn baby let me see that jungle gym again.'"

WTRF Apologizes for Hysteria After Falsely Predicting Apocalypse

WHEELING - StormTracker 7's Dr. Dave Walker apologized on-air to the Ohio Valley after mistakenly predicting the extinction of the human race.

"Someone read a forecast calling for a meteor shower," said Walker. "But when we were transcribing the story, they wrote 'Asteroid Storm' instead and we just ran with it. I take the blame for that. I know better."

Indeed, the graphics department even went too far as well, broadcasting the image above showing the Ohio Valley burning and several craters where cities used to be.

The aftermath of the weather report caused many people to riot in the streets. Vandalism tore through the valley and several local businesses reported robberies. As is always the case after a disaster, the Associated Press had to apologize to the black community.

"We've been through this before," said the president of the Associated Press, Gary Pruitt. "Black people should know by now that we're sorry we keep saying that they're the only ones looting from stores. In the future, we plan to include Jews, Muslims, Cubans and Democrats on that list as well."

The mistake caused more than $119 billion in damages across the Ohio Valley, from cessations in production, the aforementioned vandalism and hospital visits from people suffering heart attacks and seizures after Walker's stoic reporting of the end times.

"He just seemed possessed as he said it," said 83-year-old Laverne James, who was sent to East Ohio Regional Hospital after fainting, falling down her stairs, being impaled by a fire poker, crushed by a falling bookshelf and finally beaten by a group of white people whom the Associated Press described as 'searching' the house. "His pitch dropped and he stared into the camera without even blinking."

"The Earth is on a collision course with the Asteroid Belt," said Walker during the forecast. "There is nothing you can do to save yourself. The world is going to burn and we are all going to die. I repeat, we are all going to die."

Miami Heat: Dwayne Wade Just Jealous That Celina Pompeani Sells More Fatheads

MIAMI - Heat General Manager Pat Riley told reporters that Dwayne Wade's Achilles tendon is 'just fine', contrary to reports. The Miami guard has instead missed the past two games due embarassment after WTOV-9 reporter Celina Pompeani soared by him in Fathead sales.

"It's okay though," said Riley. "We got the whole team together and went to his house to let him know that we're here for him. He'll be ready to play Wednesday against the Pacers."

Wade found out that the Steubenville-area journalist had overtaken him on the Fathead charts during the third quarter against the Celtics. When fans started jeering at him, Wade ran to the bench crying (seen below).

Fathead, the makers of popular wall decals, recently released a line of Ohio Valley inspired wall stickers. Pompeani's picture become an instant success, selling nearly twelve Brazilian copies in its first week. Two other designs have had success as well, one being Steubenville Mayor Domenick Mucci decapitating a zombie with his signature katana 'Vince Offer', and the other being a giant bowl of rigatoni (below).



Riley said that during the team's visit to Wade's home, they even brought him a special surprise.

"We pulled a couple of strings, made some calls and got Dwayne his very own autographed Celina Pompeani sticker," he said. "He was thrilled. He even tore down his Kim Il-Sung Fathead to make room for it."

The special edition decal that Wade received even live streams WTOV-9 whenever Pompeani is on-air.

Misunderstood 'Superload' Just Wants to be Left Alone

MARSHALL COUNTY, W.Va - A 120 foot long, 510 thousand pound de-ethanizer tower (right) says that she's tired of paparazzi following her around everywhere she goes.

"I can't leave my house without people gathering alongside the road to watch me go by," said the tower. "Why do they want to watch everything I do?"

The longtime employee of Williams Energy said that ever since she began her 3-day journey to work, reporters from WTOV-9 and News 7 have been following her every move.

"It's like they don't care about my feelings," she said. "I know I close roads wherever I go because I'm so fat, but let's just let the whole Ohio Valley know about it why don't we?"

News 7 even ran a story (left) about how to move a superload on your own if she gets in your way.

The tower said that she has learned her lesson and will try out different means of transportation in the future.

"I'm sick of all the name calling," the de-ethanizer tower said. "And I'm sick of people hatin' on me for just doing my thing. The de-propanizer tower at the processing plant showed me a different way to get to get to work."

The tower added that she will be selling her trailer and will begin using public transit instead.

"I think that if I get on the bus, I can blend in with the other people and nobody will notice me," she said.

EGCC Receives Grant for Particle Collider

STEUBENVILLE - To the dismay of environmentalist liberals and insane conspiracy theorist conservatives, Eastern Gateway Community College (EGCC) accepted a federal grant on Monday to build the world's largest particle accelerator. The college won a raffle sponsored by the US Department of Education, where it beat out other candidates such as Carnegie Mellon University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT). EGCC President Dr. Laura Meeks said that the new collider will provide science majors with a unique opportunity.

"We have some of the brightest students in the entire world here at EGCC," said Meeks. "I hope we can contribute to the world of science and humanity as a whole."

Jordan Weber, a senior seeking an Associate's Degree in science, said that he can't wait to begin researching.

"I hope I can cure cancer with it," he said.

The collider, to be named the 'Extremely Huge Hadron Collider', will have a circumference of 37 miles and will be capable of producing 36 teraelectronvolts of collision energy.

Many local residents protested the decision, saying that hadron colliders will create black holes. Meeks said that the Ohio Valley is "pretty much a black hole already."

When asked who the school will contract to actually construct the megaproject, Meeks said that she will likely hire workers whom she has dealt with in the past.

"When we had our barn built in our backyard, my husband and I hired an Amish crew from Sugarcreek to build it," she said. "They did a wonderful job and built it so fast. So I think we'll hire the Amish again to build our particle accelerator."

Department of Homeland Security Warns Riesbeck's to not Run Out of Paczki, Or Else

WINTERSVILLE - Citing reasons such as public safety and national interests, US Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson sent a memo warning Riesbeck's Food Market in Wintersville (right) to not run out of paczki.

"I'm super serious guys," read the memo. "There will totally be like riots in the street and stuff if you run out."

Despite the federal government's concerns, Riesbeck's manager Bronislaw Komorowski says that his store is in no danger of running out of the delicious treat.

"We've been at this for a very long time," said Komorowski."We have enough dough and jelly to make six hundred trillion paczki. We'll probably only go through three quarters of it."

Komorowski, a lifelong resident of Steubenville, says that he understands the importance of the paczki to the Ohio Valley.

"I was here for the Great Paczki Famine of 1977," he said. "I don't think I could ever un-see the travesties I saw during that time."

Komorowski's family also has the distinction of generating public support for some of America's greatest wars.

"When the Germans invaded Poland in 1939, all paczki imports were cut off," he said. "My father gathered up several local volunteers to join up with the RAF (British Royal Air Force) and get our paczki back. My ancestors also gathered up supporters for the American Revolution after the Wheeling Paczki Party."

For those who don't read up on history, the Wheeling Paczki Party was the British response to the Boston Tea Party. The redcoats confiscated the entire paczki supply of Fort Henry and dumped it into the Ohio River in 1774. For that reason, Virginia residents sought independence from Great Britain.

Despite Komorowski's assurances, Secretary Johnson remains skeptical.

"He better not think I'm playing," said Johnson in an interview. "Because I'm not one for fooling around. It's on, it's so on. He's in for a spanking."