PITTSBURGH - Call it bad luck, blame it on the economy or whatever you want. But admit it. Every married couple you know is getting a divorce. All of your single friends are downtrodden by Cupid himself, and you don't believe that there are other fish in the Ohio River. Luckily for you and your anti-depressant bill, really, really smart people at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh have figured out why."There's nothing to do in that dump!" said Dr. Werner Kettering (right). "Married couples are getting bored and there's nowhere to take people out on dates. So, they naturally remain friends."
The research was done by analyzing the Facebook posts and Twitter tweets of an unspecified amount of teenagers whining in the Steubenville and Wheeling metropolitan areas.
"The sheer size of the boring area is what shocked us," said Kettering. "It is literally the largest 'friendzone' in the world. How can there be so many people that can't find anything to do?"
People around the valley shared that sentiment, and most of those who actually had a signifacant other said that they ventured beyond the area to find them.
"I met my dear lovely wife Annabelle when I moved to Brownsville, Tenn. from Steubenville," said Roger Parkinson. "She's just so much more into my tastes than people from the Ohio Valley."
Brownsville is a small town in western Tennessee with a population roughly half of Steubenville's, and somehow the people there are different psychologically.
Critics of the new discovery point out that the Ohio Valley is literally the exact same as 90 percent of everywhere else.
"What, they think that people outside the Ohio Valley are different?" rhetorically asked Matilda Davis of Carlisle, Iowa. "There's drama everywhere you go, and there's nothing to do anywhere if you're a complete idiot."
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