Terrified Ryan Eldredge Forced Onto News 9 Rocket

STEUBENVILLE - Claiming that the increased altitude will allow him to see more of the Ohio Valley than anyone in the world, producers at News 9 put reporter/anchor Ryan Eldredge onto a recently purchased Saturn V rocket originally built for the Apollo program.

"This is going to help out our weather reports a great deal," said chief meteorologist Kevin Carter. "He'll be up above the clouds and can witness weather patterns first hand."

Eldredge protested that idea as he was being shoved into the rocket.

"I don't know anything about meteorology!" he screamed, kicking at his captors.

Erica Mokay told Ohio Valley News that having Eldredge in the sky will allow the news team to bring breaking news to viewers faster than ever.

"We cover a pretty large territory," she said. "Ryan Eldredge has like 20/5 vision. He can read the teleprompter from 400 feet away!"

Again, Eldredge offered a rebuttal.

"I was using binoculars! Please let me go!" he shouted to whomever would listen.

Rob Metzger said Eldredge will help fill a large hole left by the hospitalized Aly Cohen.

"Aly lost her gun duel with Fred Abdalla," said Metzger. "Luckily all 37 shots missed her vital organs and she's in stable condition. At least we'll have Ryan in the sky watching every game at once."

Eldredge begged to differ.

"How am I supposed to watch a football game from outer space?" he contested.

Also, due to budget cuts, the module Eldredge was supposed to ride in was scrapped at the junkyard. The news team was forced to tie him onto the rocket's exterior with ratchet straps.

"Please!" Eldredge yelled, to no avail. "Let me down! I'm scared of heights!"

His colleagues stood by and drank banana coladas as they watched their coworker venture into the unknown.

"Bye-bye Ryan!" yelled Crissy Clutter as she waved enthusiastically.

Eldredge is scheduled to land in the Pacific Ocean in about 3 years.

News 9's Aly Cohen Hospitalized by Steelers LB Lawrence Timmons

PITTSBURGH - A spokesperson for the Sinclair Broadcast Group said that WTOV-9 reporter Aly Cohen has awoken from her coma and is in good spirits. Cohen was rushed to the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center (UPMC) after receiving a devastating tackle from Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Lawrence Timmons.

Cohen was filming a package for her News 9 Sports Challenge series, which airs Thursdays on News 9 Live at 5. She has taken on various challenges from people around the valley, such as cup stacking competitions, mechanical bull riding and bowling. On the last show, she made 30 straight free throws to beat free throw legend Jim Pryor. For this upcoming week, she received her biggest challenge yet.

"Man I watched that free throw thing on TV," Timmons said in an interview. "She could've beaten Lebron James at that. So I had to step it up and represent the NFL before she put us to shame too."

Cohen suited up in football pads and was given five attempts to make it 15 yards past the 234-lb Timmons and score a touchdown. Unfortunately, she only made it through the first attempt.

"I'm not letting some girl beat me," said Timmons. "No way. Coach [Mike Tomlin] always says I gotta give it 100 percent every time. I hit her with everything I've got."

"The hit", as it is being called, was so loud that some people mistook it for a gunshot. Cohen was subsequently airlifted to UPMC where she received treatments for a concussion. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is unsure whether or not Timmons will be fined.

"I sent her some flowers," said Timmons. "And a get-well card. I wrote her a note in it. It says, 'This ain't over, Aly. You've still got four more tries.'"

News 9 Sports Challenge will not air next week, but Cohen's "Wild West Duel to the Death" challenge with Sheriff Fred Abdalla is still scheduled as planned.