Mech Horses Provide Woodsfield's Amish With Unprecedented Speed

WOODSFIELD -- Following complaints from drivers about their slow speed on local roadways, several Amish citizens of Monroe County have begun using mechanized horses to pull their buggies. The new robots will allow the buggies to reach speeds of up to 93 miles per hour, and accelerate to 60 mph in 3.7 seconds.

Sheriff Charles Black said the change is welcome, and will save the Monroe County Sheriff's office and the State Highway patrol nearly $250 in ammunition.

"Normally we shoot the Amish to put car drivers out of their misery," Black said. "Now we can put that money to much better use. Monroe Central's computers haven't updated Adobe Flash Player in six years, so we can allocate that money towards an IT specialist."

Jamal Yoder, a resident of Graysville, said that while the mech horses make travelling easier, he and his family have yet to learn how to adapt to their new free time.

"The trip to Riesbeck's used to take hours," Yoder said. "It only takes me ten minutes with my new steam horse. So we're thinking about travelling and seeing the grand cities of the world. We may even make it as far as Wheeling if we're lucky."

The horses are built by Can-Am, and feature a revolutionary GPS system that allows the horses to navigate Monroe County. The GPS system has come under fire from local residents due a minor design flaw.

"They play that song 'Turning Japanese' very loudly wherever they go," said Norris West of Sardis. "But Can-Am said that's the only way the horses will operate. I don't know how that works, but if it keeps the real horses off the road it works for me."

The horse speed is controlled by a volume knob on the dashboard of the buggy. The louder the song plays, the faster the horse runs.

OVN's Top 5 Blue-Green Algae Recipes Will Make Your Mouth Water

To the delight of many local food connoisseurs, blue-green algae has been popping up all over Monroe County! We decided to gather up the best chefs in the Ohio Valley to share their favorite recipes.

"I don't really think you're supposed to eat that," said Jeff Watkins of Wheeling's Avenue Eats.

"Isn't that stuff dangerous?" Ye Olde Alpha's Laura Parker asked.

Well to hell with Avenue Eats! Who needs Ye Olde Alpha? You can make these five delectable treats right in your own kitchen!

1. Blue-green Cake


Ingredients:
7 quail eggs
2 cups of flower
1 cup of blue-green algae
3 teaspoons of baking soda
1 scoop of butter

This is the perfect birthday cake for that special someone whose favorite color just happens to be blue-green! Make sure you get the right kind of flowers for the occasion, we found that daffodils work the best. Dump all the ingredients into a large bowl and cook it in the oven for as long as you like. Do you like your cake soupy? Leave it in for 5 minutes. Crispy? Let that masterpiece go for five hours!

2. Blue-green Chai Tea

Ingredients:
Lots of blue-green algae
A bunch of cloves
Some ginger
A few bags of black tea
A lot of cinnamon
5 shakes of nutmeg
10 oz. of cardamom

This one's a personal favorite. Great for those last few days of summer down by the Ohio River, blue-green chai has been a local staple for over eight months. The best part of drinking it happens the day after. When you wake up the next morning, you'll glow a nice shade of blue-green just like your favorite ingredient!

3. Blue-green Pizza


Ingredients:
Blue-green algae
Blue-green blue cheese
Blue peppers
Blue bread
Blue pepperoni

We're not exactly sure where to find blue bread and pepperoni anymore, but check the farmers market in St. Clairsville. This delicious dinner will turn anyone into a fan of blue-green algae. The only downside? A slight rash will appear but it will be totally worth it!

4. Blue-green ice cream

Ingredients:
Ice cream
Blue-green algae

This one's pretty simple, so it'll be pretty easy if you've never cooked anything before. All you need to do is gather up some blue-green algae (send your kids to get it, you'll thank us later) and some ice cream. Toss all that stuff in the blender and you'll have a tasty desert to go with your blue-green pizza and chai tea!



5. Pure Blue-green algae

Ingredients:
Blue-green algae
Blue-green algae
Blue-green algae
Blue-green algae
Blue-green algae
Blue-green algae

Let's be real here, the best way to consume blue-green algae is to just suck it up and eat the stuff. It's probably the greatest flavor of all time. We're pretty sure that Nicki Minaj didn't write that song for no reason. Do yourself a favor and pay a visit to Sardis or Clarington to gather up the valley's finest food before those pesky rascals from the Department of Health and the Department of Natural Resources eradicate it.

$1 Billion Pure Soot Plant Coming to Monroe County

CLARINGTON - Monroe County has faced several devastating blows to its economy in recent years, such as the closing of the Ormet plant, but it seems that there is a finally some light at the end of the tunnel. Texas industrial giant Pollution Services Worldwide has announced plans to build a one-billion-dollar soot factory along the bank of the Ohio River in Clarington. Mayor Doug Wagner told Ohio Valley News that the plant will create more than 200,000 jobs in the Ohio Valley.

"Yes, that's a six-digit figure," said Wagner. "Most of the plant's day-to-day operations is simply creating and releasing black smoke into the sky. It doesn't require any kind of skill, so anyone can do it. The majority of jobs will just be people dumping diesel, coal, gas and oil onto a large fire."

According to Wagner, the pollution created from the plant will open up more jobs through a ripple effect.

"All of Monroe County is going to be covered in black ash by November," he said. "So we'll have to hire a bunch of people to clean it up. Hopefully we can also create more demand for local doctors if we can successfully give enough people cancer."

The plant will also dump pure sulfur dioxide directly into the Ohio River, which Wagner says will help feed less fortunate people in the town.

"We're aiming to kill as many fish as we possibly can in the river," he said. "Fish float when they die, so poorer folks can simply walk down to the wharf and scoop up some dead fish if they're hungry."