Mech Horses Provide Woodsfield's Amish With Unprecedented Speed

WOODSFIELD -- Following complaints from drivers about their slow speed on local roadways, several Amish citizens of Monroe County have begun using mechanized horses to pull their buggies. The new robots will allow the buggies to reach speeds of up to 93 miles per hour, and accelerate to 60 mph in 3.7 seconds.

Sheriff Charles Black said the change is welcome, and will save the Monroe County Sheriff's office and the State Highway patrol nearly $250 in ammunition.

"Normally we shoot the Amish to put car drivers out of their misery," Black said. "Now we can put that money to much better use. Monroe Central's computers haven't updated Adobe Flash Player in six years, so we can allocate that money towards an IT specialist."

Jamal Yoder, a resident of Graysville, said that while the mech horses make travelling easier, he and his family have yet to learn how to adapt to their new free time.

"The trip to Riesbeck's used to take hours," Yoder said. "It only takes me ten minutes with my new steam horse. So we're thinking about travelling and seeing the grand cities of the world. We may even make it as far as Wheeling if we're lucky."

The horses are built by Can-Am, and feature a revolutionary GPS system that allows the horses to navigate Monroe County. The GPS system has come under fire from local residents due a minor design flaw.

"They play that song 'Turning Japanese' very loudly wherever they go," said Norris West of Sardis. "But Can-Am said that's the only way the horses will operate. I don't know how that works, but if it keeps the real horses off the road it works for me."

The horse speed is controlled by a volume knob on the dashboard of the buggy. The louder the song plays, the faster the horse runs.

Local Student's Homemade AK-47 Wins Science Fair

BEALLSVILLE - The annual Switzerland of Ohio science fair has concluded, and the winner of this year's grand prize is Beallsville's Barney Schwartz. Schwartz built a custom AK-47 assault rifle using parts from broken video game systems and kitchen utensils.

"It's a masterpiece," said superintendent John Hall, who served as the head judge. "He put accessories on that gun that I've never seen on modern weaponry."

Schwartz's AK-47 features a retractable bayonet, holographic sights with x-ray vision, an elastic barrel that can shoot around corners, another barrel that shoots enemies behind you, a fingerprint detector on the trigger, and an IR blaster so the gun can be used as a remote control.

"I used a ton of parts from my old Xbox 360 controller," Schwartz told Ohio Valley News. "So it has the entire auto-aim system from Call of Duty built in."

Schwartz said that he wasn't even going to enter his gun in the fair until his English teacher recommended it.

"He brought it to class to show me one day," said the teacher, Ncvltrd Prctrsdf. "It was way better than the time bomb that he brought in to get approved."

Second place was awarded to second-grader Madison Delaney, who invented a blender that ferments smoothies. Schwartz will receive a scholarship and his own parking spot at the Riesbeck's in Woodsfield. Delaney won a $100 Itunes gift card.

Only two other students entered the contest, and they each received a $10 gas card. Lewis Reindeer invented a cup that desalinates ocean water. Peyton Tweed discovered the cure for leukemia.