Murray Energy Plans Extermination of Retirees

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Following its acquisition of Consolidation Coal Co. mines last year, Murray Energy announced plans to begin a company-wide purge, executing nearly 1,200 retirees from the mines it purchased last year. Beginning Dec. 31, Murray plans on trapping the retired miners underground and detonating a large canister of mustard gas.

CEO Robert Murray says that the decision to execute the retirees came to him in a dream.

"I was sleeping on my water bed full of molten gold," said Murray. "The dark lord Ha-Satan-Obama appeared to me and convinced me to convert to the worship of R'hllor, the Lord of the Light. Plus, I'm a huge supporter of Mao Zedong and the Chinese Communist Party."

The purge will also let Murray Energy cut back on employee wages by eliminating food allowances.

"Once we kill all of the former CONSOL employees, we will feed their corpses to our own miners," said Murray. "They won't need money to put food on the table anymore, so we can finally cut that out of their salaries."

Murray also warned that if his employees do not convert to his new religion, he will decide their fates for them.

"If they do not give up their false idols, I will bring the fury of the Fire God and burn them at the stake with napalm dropped from my private fighter jets," said Murray. "And I will force their families to feast upon their charred remains."

Murray Energy Announces Line of Coal Wedding Rings and Other Products

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Finally conceding that the coal industry will one day give in to more environmentally-friendly methods of producing energy, Murray Energy CEO Robert Murray told reporters that his company will begin selling its coal in a much different manner.

"We're still going to stay in the energy business," said Murray. "We'll get hydroelectric power plants and wind farms going, but we have to secure local jobs first."

Murray said that in order to let local coal miners keep their jobs, his company will produce various coal products for the consumer. The first product he described was a wedding ring, using this one from Worth 1000 (above) as an example. The Murray Energy line of wedding rings will replace the traditional diamond with a piece of coal.

"Coal and diamonds are both allotropes of carbon," said Murray. "So the meaning behind the ring stays the same but it gets a more 'at home' kind of feel."

Sticking with the romantic theme, Murray also revealed a line of Murray Energy cologne.

"If there's one thing women cannot resist in the Ohio Valley, it's a coal miner," he said. "If you're not a coal miner, the girls are going to think you're some kind of pussy. If you can't be a coal miner for some reason, our scientists have come up with a way to trick people into thinking you're one. We're proud to introduce Sueur du Mineur."

The cologne was created from a mixture of coal miner sweat and freshly excavated lignite dust. It even subtly tints your skin to make it look like you just got out of the mine.

The final product that Murray previewed was the company's own brand of grilling fuel.

"I know we've got a lot of grillers here," he said. "I have a vision for next year's Jamboree in the Hills. I want every grill at Valley View to burn anthracite instead of charcoal. Companies like Kingsford would like you to believe that charcoal is real coal. They're lying to you. Charcoal can give you a great tasting dinner, but does it stack up to the real thing? We're going to give you the opportunity to tell us for yourselves."

At the end of the conference, the company handed out gift bags containing samples of the cologne and the grilling coal, provided the recipient signed a non-liability waiver.