Comments Sections Prove Ohio Valley Favors Regression to Medieval Ages

THE COMMENTS SECTIONS OF LOCAL NEWS ARTICLES -- People who are probably important from Wheeling Jesuit University said that they have conducted a study on the comments sections of local online news articles, and have concluded that the majority of people in the Ohio Valley would prefer to live in the year 1373.

"We've reviewed thousands of comments on the news stories in the Valley," some guy said. "Most of them favor ritual executions for the majority of crimes, torture for others, an outright shunning of modern technology, and most of them want to change the national anthem to Good King Wenceslas."

The important person pointed to recent examples of stories that prove his point.

"Remember that shooting in Steubenville last week?" he asked. "Read a few of these top comments."

"They should let the family of the victim murder the family of the murderer!" said Martha Walker, of Beech Bottom. "That way he'll know what it feels like. Whatever happened to 'eye for an eye?'"

The comments only got more ruthless.

"They should strip him naked and toss him in the woods," said Leon Maxwell CV. "Cover him up in honey and watch the bears and bees tear him apart."

On another story, detailing an assault by three people on an elderly Harrison County man, the comments got more creative.

"They should slowly cut apart the guy and feed him to the girls that helped him," said Lewis C. Carter-Smith. "When the girls are done eating, they should be drawn and quartered like the good ole days."

On a story about a man caught with cocaine in Dillonvale:

"Kill him! Drain the blood from his body while filling his veins coke," said Annie Palmer. "See how he likes drugs then!"

On a story about a shoplifter in Moundsville:

"The death penalty is the only answer," said Rutherford Douglas. "She should at least get the noose, but that's too good for her."

Earlier this week, News 9 reported a story about a man receiving two speeding tickets in the same day in Smithfield.

"Back in the day they used to put criminals in the oven and cook them alive," said Steve Miller. "Instead, this clown will be allowed to break the law again."

Kristen Allen, of Wheeling, was given a citation for jaywalking on Monday.

"She needs to die!" read the top comment, from Jodi-Beth Harrison. "Whatever happened to the old days of law enforcement in this country? Smh. This woman broke the law, strap her to a chair, beat her bloody, dismember her, rip her hair out, dump molten lead on her skin, kill kill kill KILL KILL KILL!"

The comments section of every news article also features a meme with Michael Jackson eating popcorn.

"We don't know what that's all about," said the important guy. "The Ohio Valley is obsessed with it."

Negative Colors Reveal Domenick Mucci in Background of Clinton Family Portrait

STEUBENVILLE - Researchers at Eastern Gateway Community College announced earlier today that they have discovered the likeness of Steubenville mayor Domenick Mucci in the background of the famous portrait of the Clinton family. Professor Sun Yat-sen, of the graphic design department, said that his students discovered the hidden picture during an in-class assignment.

"We were working with negative colors and one of the students chose the Clinton family for his project," Sun said. "He inverted the colors and there you have it. Mayor Mucci creeping in the back behind Hillary."

Mucci declined to comment on the discovery, leaving the door open for conspiracy theorists across the Valley.

"Could it be?" asked Wintersville resident Don Cayote. "I think this means that our mayor is secretly a Clinton himself!"

Others in the Valley disagree, claiming that the picture means that Mucci has more power than most people realize.

"It's obviously symbolic," said Steubenville resident Nick Carraway. "It means that Mucci is watching over the Clintons, secretly controlling the government. Who knows what other political families he's watching?"

Science fiction writer Alex Jones posted on his blog that he has more information, posting that Mucci's real name is Æçãzaøn, and that he plans to release more on his children's show, InfoWars.

457 Pound Beaver Elected to West Virginia House of Delegates

Moira Deen hunting with Joe Manchin

CHARLESTON, W.Va -- West Virginia made history on Tuesday, electing America's first ever law-making beaver to the House of Delegates. Moira Deen (seen right), an ultra-conservative Republican, will represent a small patch of forest in the state's eastern panhandle.

"I'm really excited to hear the news today," Deen said. "It's great for West Virginians who are fed up with the direction this country is heading in."

Voters in Deen's district said that their main concern was the economy and protecting coal jobs.

While West Virginia is struggling to find an economic foothold, the coal industry actually gained jobs this year. Job losses in the state happen to be in the construction, retail, manufacturing and education fields.

"We don't really care about any of that garbage," said Deen. "The only thing that's important in this state is coal, it's our way of life. Think about it, we can be completely self-sufficient if our only industry were coal. We don't need education, retail and all that; leave that up to the other states."

The giant beaver said that she hopes to represent younger voters in the Mountain State, despite sharing none of the views of the younger demographic.

"I'm pro-life, and I oppose gay marriage," said Deen. "And I most certainly think that if you receive welfare, you should be drug tested and I'll make rehab a requirement for anyone caught with drugs."

Critics of Deen say that she isn't even a wild beaver.

"Of course I'm not a wild beaver!" she interrupted. "I have morals, you know."

By wild beaver, her critics mean that she is the pet of current minority leader Tim Armstead.

"Oh," said Deen. "I thought, never mind."

Some voters in the state feel that without life experience in the human world, Deen will simply radiate the same ideas implanted in her by Armstead. Also, critics say that Deen has been provided with white cedar and American chestnut trees to build her dams her whole life, so she'll never be able to relate to poorer beavers building their dams with pine trees.

"Well the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate," she said.

OVN Special: The Best Drinks at the Valley's Favorite Bars!

TJ's Restaurant

THE OHIO VALLEY - We've made it through hump-day, but do you know where you're going to drown your sorrows this weekend? OVN can help! We've been thrown out of every bar in the valley, and we can tell you what to order at some of the best ones around!

The first bar on our tour is the one in the picture to the right, TJ's Restaurant in Wheeling. They have many TVs inside, so it's the best place to catch the game with your buddies this weekend. No trip to TJ's would be complete without a special 12 oz. bottle of Bud Light. It's the perfect drink for the atmosphere at TJ's.

After you leave TJ's, you might want to stumble on down the street to Generations Pub. It's a short walk down National Road, and there's a stage out back for live music! While you're there, you may want to try out local favorite Bud Light. They have it on tap year-round, but you want to order it early in the night before it runs out.

If you're the more adventurous kind of drinker, head on down to the Barton Trap in the eponymous town outside of St. Clairsville. It's a beautiful establishment in the center of town, and has been a Valley staple for years. We definitely recommend you order a nice, refreshing Bud Light when you go. It comes in bottles, and they have it on draught as well.

If Barton's too hard to find, stick to the river and head on over to the Gridiron Pub in Bridgeport where you can hang out with biker dudes. Bikers love Gridiron, and who could blame them? Gridiron is the home of one of the more infamous drinks on this list: Bud Light. It's a tasty beverage, but if you drink too many of them, you should consider taking a cab home.

Heading north up Route 7, you might come across Bill's Famous Ribs in Yorkville. While Bill Mazeroski might be famous for his BBQ, he's even more famous for his drink menu. The highlight of that menu is Bud Light. Some call it a seasonal beer, but Bill's serves it year-round. Nothing goes better with Bill's ribs than a Bud Light to wash it down.

If you aren't too drunk by now, head up to Steubenville and check out The Spot Bar. There's all different kinds of drinks you could order there, but why waste your time on them when you could sit back and drink a Bud Light? It's not on the menu, but the bartender will know what to pour you.

If you can make it across the river to Weirton, look for a place called Shooterz. These guys have a drink for all occasions. If you're down on your luck, girlfriend dumped you or your boss told you to arrive to work on time, ask for a Bud Light. If it's the weekend and you just want to party, then a Bud Light might be a better choice for you. For celebrations, order a round of Bud Lights for you and your friends. You deserve it.

If you're still in Steubenville and find yourself near Route 213, do not skip Frank's House. Only at Frank's will you get to hang out with kids who go to Franciscan University, and you don't want to miss a chance to party with those guys. If you want to fit in, make sure you order a Fuzzy Navel or a Sex on the Beach.

New Stop Sign in Cadiz is Only a Suggestion

via Google Street View

CADIZ - The intersection of Industrial Park Road and Grant Street in Cadiz has been the location of several car accidents. Cadiz officials recently placed a 'stop suggestion' sign on the intersection. Cadiz police chief Ryan McCann says that the sign is meant to make people drive safer while not necessarily getting on their nerves.

"We don't want people to think that we're assholes or anything," said McCann. "But people should stop there instead of blindly driving through it."

Residents say that car accidents in Cadiz are particularly devastating due to the types of vehicles being driven there.

"There's only two or three types of cars here," said Wally Custard. "There's coal trucks and then there's pickup trucks. It makes one hell of a noise when those things collide."

Custard said that he thinks it's nice of the town to allow citizens the flexibility to decide whether they want to stop or not.

"If you're in a hurry I say go for it," said Custard. "But you really should consider the sign's advice."

Cadiz officials say they plan on putting up more 'suggestion signs' all across town, including suggested routes to Steubenville or New Philadelphia and traffic lights that also give you the option to pass through them if you want.

Steubenville Police Getting Bored of Shootings

STEUBENVILLE - In a press conference early Saturday morning, Steubenville police chief Bill McAfferty urged local criminals to be more creative.

"I never thought my life was going to go this way," said McAfferty. "Life's getting boring around Steubenville because there's pretty much just shootings every day."

For motivation, McAfferty pointed criminals toward video games.

"Haven't you guys played Grand Theft Auto V?" he asked. "Go rob a bank! Steal a helicopter! If you want a rival gang member dead, wouldn't the job be much easier with Hellfire missiles?"

McAfferty told reporters that he wants to live out his dream 'cop scenario' before he retires.

"You should go kidnap a small child under the age of 10, and hold her at gunpoint while you rob the bank," he said. "And it would be really cool if you could hide a bomb somewhere in the Martin Luther King Recreation Center as a distraction."

He also hinted that he would not be opposed to a city-wide riot and releasing all the prisoners in the Jefferson County Jail.

"The secret passcode to get access is located in a briefcase hidden in Fort Steuben," he said. "All you have to do is put the code in at the jail and you'll release all the prisoners!"

Valley Gets Ready For LSD Trip, Reverse Weather Day and Planned Tornado

It's shaping up to be another wacky weekend in the Ohio Valley. Everybody is dropping acid Thursday, so the weather on that day is going to vary from person to person. As long as you go in with a positive attitude, you'll have a great time!

Friday's weather is going to provide the Valley with a rare treat. Rain will come up from the ground and fly back into the clouds and wind will blow upward as well. The high temperature will be 27 degrees and the low temperature will be 75, while the sun will be out during the night! Reverse weather only happens once every 42.7 trillion years, so you'll want to remember this one!

Bellaire got permission from the federal government to launch a planned tornado on Saturday. The plan is for the tornado to blow all the litter away from the Ohio Valley. The effects will be felt all across the Valley, so hold on to something tight!

On Sunday, you're going to win the lottery, so who gives a Flying J about the weather? That song from Legally Blonde will suit you on Sunday.

Too bad you have to go back to work on Monday. It's going to suck. The coffee machine in the break room is going to break (ironic, right?), and that idiot you work with is going to ask you to proofread his stupid novel again.

As always, Ohio Valley News has got your back, bro! Tune in for next week's 5 day forecast!

St Clairsville Police Chief Anxiously Awaits Anonymous Call at Sketchy Phone Booth

MOJAVE DESERT - Jeff Henry, police chief from St. Clairsville, was spotted somewhere in the desolate Mojave Desert near a run-down, but functional phone booth. Henry told reporters he was awaiting a call from a man who calls himself the 'Mysterious Stranger'.

"I was approached the other day in the bar by a man wearing a hood," said Henry. "I couldn't see his face, but he asked me if I would like to have my life back."

The Stranger reportedly offered Henry 'a way out.'

"He told me that he could make this all disappear," Henry continued. "All I had to do was travel to southern Nevada and answer a simple phone call."

Henry, who was named police chief last year, is currently under investigation for trading weapons to The Islamic State (formerly ISIL, formerly ISIS), but Henry insists that he was framed.

"There's a mole in the St. Clairsville Police Department," he said. "I'm hoping that the Mysterious Stranger can help me uncover the secret."

Henry is still waiting for his phone call, but one can be sure that the adventure that will follow will include plot twists, romance and maybe even a hint of betrayal.

Strange, Guttural Voice Plagues Wheeling Central PA System

WHEELING - During morning announcements, it's not uncommon for students of Wheeling Central Catholic High School to be greeted by a peculiar voice.

"Dungrow vos tunglitu reshnitz," the voice announced this morning. "Qornis poz nuuten sar."

At first, students and teachers thought the voice was simply a joke from principal Rebecca Sancomb.

"Honestly, you should hear her sometimes in the morning before she's had her coffee," said English teacher A.J. Bucon. "I swore she was just doing the voice herself before I heard it when she was in the same room."

Thomas Connor of IBEW 141, an electricians union, insists that the school's wiring is to blame, but Monsignor Gene Ostrowski disagrees.

"It's those daggone Wiccans from Linsly again," Ostrowski said. "They cast a curse upon our school and now this demon has made his home in our PA system."

The monster has been named 'Chad' by students, and is fond of playing 'Boom Clap' by Charli XCX around lunch time.

"Tuzzok ku relitov anuzilis vos lyr, Boom Clap desreton Charli XCX," the demon happily announces before playing the song.

"It really wouldn't be that bad," said student Mary Beth Newsome. "But it's the only song that thing plays. Sometimes he plays it up to three times a day."

News 7 Changes Name to WTF News (Definitely Jake Kauffman's Idea)

WHEELING - Citing a need to expand the station's audience, WTRF officials announced today that they will change the channel's format yet again. In an interview with himself Monday morning, Tate Blanchard said that News 7 was granted permission by the FCC to drop the 'R' from 'WTRF'.

"What brought about the decision to change pace again?" Blanchard asked himself, before getting up and changing chairs. "Well it was an idea that's been floating around here for a long time. I personally don't know who started it, but it sounds like something Jake Kauffman would think of."

Under the new name, WTF News will function as the Ohio Valley's competitor to Inside Edition, focusing on wacky news stories and local gossip.

"It's going to be just like going to bingo with your grandmother," said Blanchard. "I know Jake Kauffman is a regular on the local bingo circuit, that's why I think it was his idea."

Blanchard told himself that the station will move away from its current animated news format, in which the news is presented by the cast of Brickleberry, in order to reach a new audience.

"Unfortunately, our viewership was limited to residents of the Ohio Valley," he said. "We couldn't get people in our target markets, like Orlando, Los Angeles and Detroit, to be interested in Wheeling news. Hopefully we'll find more success in this direction."

When he asked himself why he was so insistent on blaming Jake Kauffman for the change in format, Blanchard got angry with himself and stormed out of the interview, all on live television.

"You know what, that's really none of your business Tate," he said. "This interview is over!"

As he walked off, WTF News debuted its signature out cue, a live audience yelling 'What The F***!?'

Oglebay Opens Zoo for Gay and Transgender Animals

WHEELING - The Good Zoo at Oglebay opened the world's first zoo exclusively for animals in the LGBT community. The 65-acre zoo stands alone from the original, and is more than twice the size. Volunteers from the Good Zoo say that they feel like some of the animals felt out of place in their original homes.

"We had some wallabies that really felt like they were out of place," said 16-year-old Ashley Williams. "They were just so sad so we had to put them somewhere where they wouldn't feel marginalized."

Corey is a gay wallaby acquired by the zoo last year.

The new zoo, named Oglegay, features a 200 square-foot gay bar for homosexual wallabies.

"My favorite one is Corey," said Williams. "He was always picked on by the straight animals at the zoo. You should have seen his face light up when we brought him to his new home."

Also new is a shopping mall with over 20 gender-neutral stores and boutiques, where wallabies of various gender identities can shop for new clothes.

Dominique's original name was Wallace, before she came out
identifying as female.

"You would be surprised how many wallabies are actually transgender," said James Vega, another volunteer. "Many of them are scared to come out because wallabies always disown their LGBT joeys."

The transgender wallaby exhibit includes more than 25 specimens, including Dominique, the first ever wallaby to come out publicly.

"She was always pushed around by the cissexual animals at the Good Zoo," said Vega. "Lions and cougars are really bigoted animals. They always gave our wallabies a hard time."

This is another transgender wallaby at Oglegay. His name is
Bill, but his parents gave him the birth name 'Wynona'.

Unlike most zoos, every section at Oglegay is connected, allowing the animals to move freely among the various exhibits.

"It really helps out the bisexual wallabies," said John Shephard, 17. "It's also how we show unity, and that all wallabies are welcome in the gay zoo, no matter their orientation, L,G,B or T."

The zoo's hours are 10 at night until 3 in the morning.

"Gay and trans animals stay up late, especially when put in this kind of atmosphere," said Williams. "Last night all the wallabies just went to bed and slept, so it was kind of disappointing. They just need to get comfortable and settled in."

WMC Announces '6 Steps to Outliving Your Kids' Program

WEIRTON - Officials at the Weirton Medical Center raised eyebrows Thursday when they announced a week-long seminar on living longer than your children. The program, spearheaded by neurologist Joseph Wapenski, is open to the public and begins on October 6.

"This has been a dream of mine for years," said Wapenski. "Longevity is pretty much the whole point of medicine"

Wapenski and other doctors involved with the program told us that the seminar will teach adults how to live healthy, adding years to their lives as well as taking years from their offspring.

"Healthier parents are a direct correlation to depressed, lonely children," said Wapenski. "Having health freaks for parents means kids miss out on the finer points of childhood: candy, underage drinking, teenage pregnancy, going to Kid Rock and Limp Bizkit concerts, that sort of debauchery. The longer you live, the longer your kids have to deal your crap."

Cardiologist Stanley Mannino said that healthy parents are seldom seen in the Ohio Valley.

"I'd call it an epidemic," he said. "100 percent of parents in the Ohio Valley are smokers and every last one of them is morbidly obese. Of that 100 percent, 100 percent of them are addicted to amphetamines."

At the last Board of Health meeting, Brooke County Health Officer Joseph DePetro praised the idea of promoting better health, but questioned the ethics of actually trying to live longer than one's children.

"Some of the things I see in this program are quite disturbing," DePetro said. "Things like keeping a lit cigarette behind behind a box fan in your kids' bedrooms and putting asbestos in their shampoo. What's the rationale here?"

Wapenski said that another of the program's goals is to enable long-term helicopter parenting.

"Ideally, you'd be alive for the entire duration of your children's lives," he said. "That way you can always monitor them, never let them out of your sight and never let them grow up. The world is safer than it has ever been, and we want to make sure it stays that way."

Buckeye Local QB and WR Are High School Football's First Father-Son Combo

RAYLAND - Perhaps the Buckeye Local Panthers won't bring home the glory of a state championship, but they can claim to have set at least one record. Quarterback Billy Dunn is the first high school football player in history to play on the same team as his son.

"After our second loss of the year, we really needed something to lift our spirits," said head coach Phil Pest. "We figured that we'd get a huge boost if we brought up Billy Jr. from the freshmen team."

Billy Dunn was just 7-years-old when he became a father, but that didn't become public knowledge until two years ago, when the mother of his child finally stepped forward.

"I know it's taboo in most places," said Patricia Wilson, mother of Billy Jr. "But I sat down and had a big long talk with the superintendent and he decided that what was done was done."

Ms. Wilson, 37, was Billy Dunn's second-grade teacher, and taught plastic surgery at Buckeye North Elementary until her involvement with Dunn was revealed.

"Mr. Miller told me that he wouldn't let me teach there anymore," said Wilson, with tears in her eyes. "Instead, he made me teach at the high school so I could always be with Billy! I'm sorry for crying, but I just feel so blessed."

Billy Dunn was held back four times in his scholastic career, making him a senior when his son entered his first year of high school. Dunn Jr. inherited his father's athletic talent, and followed in his footsteps to World War II Memorial Stadium. Their natural chemistry on the field soon became apparent.

"Junior's a third-stringer," said Pest. "But in the fourth quarter of our game against Union Local, the fans started chanting his name. Even the other team joined in. It was so emotional and definitely worth losing the game for."

The young freshman replaced Adam Wilson, Buckeye Local's star wide receiver and only player to score a touchdown all season. Dunn Sr. threw a pass to his son a short post route over the middle, but he fumbled the ball after a devastating hit from safety Ed Reed. Union Local then drove down the field for the game winning field goal. Dunn Jr. was subsequently given up for adoption.

SHOCKING! Check Out These Ohio Valley Celebs Before Photoshop!

THE WOMAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
News 7's Rachael Dierkes grew up right here in the valley down in Shadyside, but have you ever noticed anything strange? It takes lots of makeup to hide it, but Dierkes was actually born with a rare condition known as face inversion, which means her face is actually upside-down on her otherwise normal head! Yikes! But Dierkes isn't the only member of WTRF hiding a congenital disorder.

THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
Dr. Dave Walker is known for his striking resemblance to Bill Nye the Science Guy as well as being a meteorologist for Storm Tracker 7. Thanks to an excellent A/V editing squad over at WTRF, Walker is able to hide his conjoined twin, a Mexican man named Pepe who is attached to Walker's neck. It's not only news people who are hiding deformities in the valley, though.




THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
Joe Zelek is a graduate of Buckeye Local High School and a very popular local country musician, but he has never hidden the fact that he is part spider. Before performances, Zelek uses a special mask to hide his six extra eyes. However, in music videos these are usually edited out. Joe has always said that his biggest wish was that he would have been born with eight arms instead of eight eyes, that way he could play all of the instruments in his songs at once! If you thought that was shocking, check out some of these other wacky celebs!






THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
Fred Abdalla has been sheriff of Jefferson County for a long time, like a really long time! Most of the general public think they know what he looks like, but did you know it's all a ruse? Abdalla simply uses a combination of makeup and photoshop to blend in with the crowd, and so criminals don't know what he looks like when he's off the job. Here he is on vacation sunbathing in the Ohio River! Think he's the only local politician who uses a disguise? You thought wrong!

THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
Lou Gentile is the Senator for the 30th district in the Ohio General Assembly, but do any of you know where he originated from? Gentile is actually a cartoon character from a long ago cancelled TV series on Adult Swim. Who knew? Well, nobody did until old footage surfaced of a tossed pilot episode of a shelved series named Boink-Boink! When confronted about it, Gentile publicly admitted last month that he really was animated and issued an apology. What could possibly top that you ask?







THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
Robert Murray is an ancient demon from under the surface of Earth who rises every thousand years to harvest the souls of job seeking Americans and trap them underground in his lair. Of course, everybody already knows this (what, have you been living under a rock!?), but it takes a team of 14 photoshoppers to alter Murray's appearance to make him look human. The more you know!

Ma'Lik Richmond Rescues Orphan Children From Fire

STEUBENVILLE - In a true display of the desolation of humanity, the No Child Left Behind orphanage in downtown Steubenville burned to the ground last night. Ohio Fire Marshal Larry Flowers said that arson was the likely cause.

"We found several signs that lead us to believe that one or more accelerants were used," said Flowers. "Only the worst kind of person would burn down an orphanage. All those children would be dead if not for that boy."

Indeed, the orphans owe their lives to one unlikely hero...Steubenville football player Ma'Lik Richmond.

"We were at a party last night celebrating our win against JFK," said coach Reno Saccoccia. "Next thing I know, over the loud music and debauchery, I heard screaming and I saw the fire. Then I saw Ma'Lik running towards it."

Fire crews were already outside the blaze, as were several news outlets (Ohio Valley News among them), when Richmond arrived at the scene, and they told him that there was no chance to rescue the children.

"We mustn't lose hope!" Richmond urged the firemen as he kicked the door to the building down and stormed the foyer, still wearing his football uniform.

Minutes later, he emerged from the building carrying three orphans on his shoulders. Still, the firemen urged Richmond to not re-enter the building.

"You've done all you can," said Pete Miller, a 19-year veteran of the fire department. "The whole thing's coming down!"

Richmond seemed undeterred.

"There's still more children inside!"

Without a second thought, Ma'Lik Richmond ran back into the inferno. When he exited the second time, he had a child under his arm, another on his shoulders, and five more on a makeshift sled that he pulled with his free hand.

"That's all of them," Miller told Richmond. "Now stand aside so we can put this thing out!"

However, one of the children tugged on Richmond's now torn and burnt football jersey.

"Mr. Waffles is still inside!" the little boy cried hysterically.

"Mr. Waffles?" asked Richmond curiously.

"Our puppy!" said another child.

Richmond lifted the little orphan boy's head gently from under his chin.

"You must stay strong child," he said softly.

However, after Richmond entered the third time, the building came crashing down around him after five minutes. This morning, as the fire marshal sifted through the rubble, Richmond's body was discovered curled into the fetal position.

"When we found him, he was twitching slightly," said Marshal Flowers. "We thought he might still be alive, but he had no pulse. That's when we discovered the golden retriever puppy."

The fire marshal determined that as the building collapsed, Richmond curled himself into a protective ball, thus sacrificing himself for the orphan children's dog.

"Mr. Waffles!" the little orphan boy shouted as the puppy leaped into his arms, licking his face.

In Richmond's honor, Flowers stood atop the rubble and gave a speech of lamentation to a large crowd that had gathered at the scene.

"Ma'Lik Richmond," he said. "Let this be a testament to the fact that no matter what actions you have partaken in, no matter your achievements or accomplishments, you will always be remembered in our hearts as something beyond that. In the Ohio Valley, you will always be remembered as 'The Steubenville Rapist'."

State Highway Patrol Grants Entire Force Vacation for Labor Day

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Citing all the hard work the state troopers have done this year, the St. Clairsville post of the Ohio Highway Patrol has granted its entire force vacation for Labor Day.

"We've been really busy these last few summer holidays," said Lt. James Faunda. "On Independence Day alone we had 10 drunken driving arrests and over a thousand traffic stops, so I think it's time our post had a day off."

The Ohio Department of Transportation has predicted one of the most heavily traveled weekends in recent memory, and Faunda believes that the increase in traffic is too much work for the police department.

"It is called 'Labor Day' for a reason, isn't it?" asked Faunda. "Why should we have to work even harder on a day that is supposed to be about taking a break from work?"

Faunda also said that the decision can be seen as a sort of 'community outreach' attempt.

"We've busted so many drunk drivers over the years," he said. "I think they've learned their lesson by now. Besides, what kind of police officers are we if we don't show the community that we trust them?"

$1 Billion Pure Soot Plant Coming to Monroe County

CLARINGTON - Monroe County has faced several devastating blows to its economy in recent years, such as the closing of the Ormet plant, but it seems that there is a finally some light at the end of the tunnel. Texas industrial giant Pollution Services Worldwide has announced plans to build a one-billion-dollar soot factory along the bank of the Ohio River in Clarington. Mayor Doug Wagner told Ohio Valley News that the plant will create more than 200,000 jobs in the Ohio Valley.

"Yes, that's a six-digit figure," said Wagner. "Most of the plant's day-to-day operations is simply creating and releasing black smoke into the sky. It doesn't require any kind of skill, so anyone can do it. The majority of jobs will just be people dumping diesel, coal, gas and oil onto a large fire."

According to Wagner, the pollution created from the plant will open up more jobs through a ripple effect.

"All of Monroe County is going to be covered in black ash by November," he said. "So we'll have to hire a bunch of people to clean it up. Hopefully we can also create more demand for local doctors if we can successfully give enough people cancer."

The plant will also dump pure sulfur dioxide directly into the Ohio River, which Wagner says will help feed less fortunate people in the town.

"We're aiming to kill as many fish as we possibly can in the river," he said. "Fish float when they die, so poorer folks can simply walk down to the wharf and scoop up some dead fish if they're hungry."

Wheeling Mayor Andy McKenzie Drowns in Ice Bucket Challenge Accident

WHEELING - A charity event held at Heritage Port in Wheeling turned tragic when mayor Andy McKenzie got his head stuck in a 5-gallon bucket and drowned in front of terrified onlookers.

The event was supposed to help raise awareness for Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig's disease.

"This was supposed to be a great day for the city," said councilman Eugene Fahey. "We even brought in Stephen Hawking to speak about his own battle with the condition."

Famed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking spoke to the crowd before taking part in the "Ice Bucket Challenge" himself.

"Well, we didn't really tell him what we were going to do," said Fahey. "Sheriff Pat Butler just ran up behind him with the bucket and dumped it on him."

The water caused Hawking's computer to explode, sending him to the hospital with severe burns and destroying his latest research.

"Everybody keeps looking at me like I'm some kind of jerk," Butler told reporters. "But he's paralyzed from the neck down. I'm sure he didn't feel a thing."

The event ended abruptly when Mayor McKenzie decided to take part in the challenge himself.

"Andy wanted to use his own water because he doesn't trust the water from the city lines," said Fahey. "But the ice he was using melted on the way over so we put his bucket in the freezer."

That decision proved deadly, as the surface of the water froze creating a layer of ice on the top of the bucket.

"Sheriff Butler tried to dump it on him, but it was frozen on top and the water wouldn't come out," Fahey continued. "So he just shoved the whole bucket down on Andy's head and he couldn't get it back off."

The break in the ice refroze around the mayor's neck, trapping him inside.

"I pried the bucket off after about 15 minutes," said Butler. "I would have gotten it off sooner but I really had to use the restroom."

Sheriff Butler attempted to use CPR, but failed to resuscitate the mayor.

"We're not really allowed to give mouth-to-mouth in West Virginia," said Butler. "It's too gay, so I went over to my car and got my air compressor."

McKenzie was pronounced dead at 2:34 p.m. Memorial services have not yet been scheduled, but Butler says he will help McKenzie finish the challenge at the showing.

"We made a promise to the city of Wheeling to leave no job undone," said Butler. "I know Andy would have wanted this. So I'll dump the water on his body myself in his honor."

Lauttamus Security Battle Droids Cause Controversy in the Ohio Valley

WEIRTON - A Hancock County judge will hear a class-action lawsuit tomorrow filed by the American Civil Liberties Union against Lauttamus Communications. The lawsuit seeks compensation for damages to property, injuries and death caused by the company's recent line of security battle droids. West Virginia ACLU president Marybeth Beller says that the state has ignored many laws broken by the company.

"It's completely irresponsible," she said. "The Northern Panhandle has become a war zone lately and our elected officials have done absolutely nothing to address the problem."

Last week, Weirton residents protested in front Lauttamus's corporate office after a security bot incinerated a 90-year-old man who was sniffing flowers on private property. Governor Earl Ray Tomblin addressed the issue, saying that a referendum passed by popular vote allowing this type of vigilantism.

"This is what West Virginia wanted," said Tomblin. "That man, like it or not, was trespassing in order to smell those flowers."

The referendum adjusted West Virginia's castle laws last year, allowing residents to deal with trespassers in whatever manner they deemed necessary.

"You just never know what people on your property might be up to," said Tomblin. "The safety of any West Virginian's family always comes first in my book."

Amid Hancock County's controversial public smoking ban, Lauttamus announced today that all security battle droids will be fitted with smoke detectors and heat seeking missiles free of charge.

Terrified Ryan Eldredge Forced Onto News 9 Rocket

STEUBENVILLE - Claiming that the increased altitude will allow him to see more of the Ohio Valley than anyone in the world, producers at News 9 put reporter/anchor Ryan Eldredge onto a recently purchased Saturn V rocket originally built for the Apollo program.

"This is going to help out our weather reports a great deal," said chief meteorologist Kevin Carter. "He'll be up above the clouds and can witness weather patterns first hand."

Eldredge protested that idea as he was being shoved into the rocket.

"I don't know anything about meteorology!" he screamed, kicking at his captors.

Erica Mokay told Ohio Valley News that having Eldredge in the sky will allow the news team to bring breaking news to viewers faster than ever.

"We cover a pretty large territory," she said. "Ryan Eldredge has like 20/5 vision. He can read the teleprompter from 400 feet away!"

Again, Eldredge offered a rebuttal.

"I was using binoculars! Please let me go!" he shouted to whomever would listen.

Rob Metzger said Eldredge will help fill a large hole left by the hospitalized Aly Cohen.

"Aly lost her gun duel with Fred Abdalla," said Metzger. "Luckily all 37 shots missed her vital organs and she's in stable condition. At least we'll have Ryan in the sky watching every game at once."

Eldredge begged to differ.

"How am I supposed to watch a football game from outer space?" he contested.

Also, due to budget cuts, the module Eldredge was supposed to ride in was scrapped at the junkyard. The news team was forced to tie him onto the rocket's exterior with ratchet straps.

"Please!" Eldredge yelled, to no avail. "Let me down! I'm scared of heights!"

His colleagues stood by and drank banana coladas as they watched their coworker venture into the unknown.

"Bye-bye Ryan!" yelled Crissy Clutter as she waved enthusiastically.

Eldredge is scheduled to land in the Pacific Ocean in about 3 years.

Martins Ferry Announces Plan to Lay Gravel on Route 7

MARTINS FERRY - Residents of Martins Ferry say that they are fed up with crossing the railroad tracks that pass over Route 7, and mayor Paul Riethmiller is acting on those frustrations.

"We can't actually repave the highway ourselves because the Department of Transportation has control of it," he said. "But what we are allowed to do is cover the entire thing in gravel."

Reactions to the decision were mixed, but Riethmiller believes that the majority of people will find the gravel to be an improvement.

"It's significantly cheaper," he said. "That means we'll be able to lower taxes. Also, there's much less upkeep needed on a gravel road. Trucks spill rocks on it every single day, and we always have to stop traffic in order to clean it up. Now it'll just blend right in. There won't be any potholes in the road ever again. There won't be slick spots caused by ice. It's an all-round improvement."

Some commuters remain opposed to the plan, however, saying that gravel doesn't actually address the problem.

"I've heard the mayor's arguments," said West Wheeling resident Barack Obama. "That doesn't actually solve the problems those tracks cause to my Daewoo. A train's just going to come through and push the gravel out of the way and it will be much worse. In fact, trains are probably going to derail."

Riethmiller says that if the trains travel fast enough, that problem will be averted.

"If the train speeds up to about 95 miles per hour, it will hit the gravel hard enough to jump over the entire highway," he said.

Big Red Players Don Paper Bags And Lose Numbers to Hide Ma'Lik Richmond

STEUBENVILLE - Much to the dismay of figuratively everyone but surprise to literally nobody, Steubenville Big Red football coach Reno Saccoccia has allowed Ma'Lik Richmond to rejoin the football team at Steubenville High School. Richmond was convicted of raping a girl from West Virginia at a party in 2012. Saccoccia told reporters earlier today that the team will no longer wear numbers and will be required to wear paper bags on their heads so nobody knows which one is Richmond.

"Every game we play this year, we're going to have hecklers in the stands shouting at Richmond," said Saccoccia. "Home or away, I can guarantee you they will be there. I'm actually very interested to hear the names they call him. Students can be quite creative."

This most recent announcement follows the news that Richmond will also be allowed to rejoin the Steubenville Chess Club and the Boy Scouts of America. All three announcements have sparked wide outrage in the town.

"Look at that little smile on his face," said Steubenville resident Ramsay Snow. "If it were up to me, I would cut the skin off of his bones and make Reno wear it as a shirt."

Snow, along with other Steubenville residents, suggested punishments that the district should give to Richmond at the last school board meeting.

"I say an eye for an eye," remarked Sonya Daniels. "He should be tied to a school bus and paraded around town while Jellybean the Clown sodomizes him with one of her balloons."

Wintersville native Clint Boykin, much like the majority of people, suggested a much less barbaric form of punishment.

"Hang the damn bastard," he said, sporting a 'Free Trent Mays' shirt. "In front of his family. Leave him there until he rots and falls out of the noose."

Richmond said that aside from the very small number of people that hate him, life has continued on as normal since his release.

"It's been great," he said through the mouth hole in his paper bag. "I just got my date for homecoming this year. In fact, I just got back from her house. I met her parents and we all went out to eat at Olive Garden."

Steubenville's first game of the season is this Thursday, against John F. Kennedy High School from Cleveland. Steubenville is the heavy favorite, but the paper bags may level the odds.

"We have a ton of work to do," said Saccoccia. "We've got players running into each other and jumping straight out of bounds. I told our tight end to run a flag route and he got hit by a car."

As expected, coach Saccoccia told us that he has a 'Plan B'.

"Off the record," he said, rolling a cyanide pill in his fingers. "Their Gatorade might taste a little funky. We'll do whatever it takes."

Off the record? Screw you Reno.

Steubenville Accidentally Sets New Curfew For Daytime Instead of Night

STEUBENVILLE - In an effort to keep children inside their houses while the adults shoot at each other outside, the city of Steubenville tried to implement a curfew. The plan was to require teenagers ages 16 and 17 to be inside between 11 p.m. and 5 a.m. However, when Steubenville mayor Domenick Mucci signed the curfew into law, he didn't notice the 'a.m.' and 'p.m.' had been switched around.

"Oh son of a bitch!" Mucci screamed when the error was pointed out by News 7 reporter D.K. Wright at a news conference.

As it stands, teens in Steubenville must be inside their homes by 11 in the morning, and stay inside until 5 in the afternoon. When asked if the city police department could simply ignore the new law, Mucci said that it was impossible.

"No, no, no that's not how any of this works," he said. "If we want to change the times for the curfew, we have to draft up a whole new one. Then we have to deliberate. Then we have to listen to [Steubenville councilman] Gerald DiLoreto talk about why we don't need a curfew. Then we have to hold a town hall meeting. Then we need to vote again. Trust me, Bill McCafferty really doesn't listen to me."

Police Chief William McCafferty said that he understands that the city council made a mistake, but he is also sworn to uphold the law.

"Look, they made a typo, I get it," said McCafferty. "But the law's the law, and this is the law now. If you're a teenager and you're outside during the day, you're going to be arrested."

McCafferty said that the curfew was drafted after a teenager was found with 20 bags of heroin during a traffic stop.

"All we ask is that if the kids are going to use heroin, they need to use it within the safety of their own homes," said McCafferty.

Melinda Young, Steubenville City School's interim superintendent, said that the mistake means that school will have to be held in the early morning hours.

"We can't force the kids to go outside and break the law," she said. "So school will now be held from 10 at night until 5:30 in the morning."

Mingo Junction Voted Top Ten City to Raise a Family

MINGO JUNCTION - In an article released by Forbes magazine earlier this week, Mingo Junction was voted the #7 city in America to raise a family. Mayor Wiz Fabian said that the city is honored for the ranking and that he is not surprised by it.

"I think one of the biggest draws of living in our little community is a great sense of security," said Fabian. "We've never been able to afford police officers, so you usually don't have to worry about walking around town being harassed."

Aside from the safe environment for the residents, Fabian said the town has a lot to offer local children, which he believes is the main reason Mingo Junction made the cut.

"Kids love urban exploration," he said. "There's all sorts of abandoned buildings for teenagers to sneak into and explore. All sorts of places to hide from their parents. We also have a lot of water line breaks. It's like the kids get a free water park in the summer."

Mingo Junction is known mostly for its glory of former days, but Fabian says that only gives kids more opportunity that ever before.

"There used to be all sorts of stores downtown," he said. "We had a lot of industry in our area. Now that it's gone, the future generations can move in and take their places. If someone wants to open up a television shop or a radio repair business, the building's there for you already. You need only to move in."

BREAKING: Sheriff Abdalla's Eyebrows Really Are Made From Velcro

STEUBENVILLE - In a startling discovery, investigators in Jefferson County have concluded that the infamous eyebrows of Sheriff Fred Abdalla are actually two strips of Velcro. Lead detective Charlie Fernandez said that the findings have huge implications for every case Abdalla has worked on.

"Every single indictment that the Jefferson County Sheriff's department has been involved with has to be reviewed now," he said. "We have to make sure that he never illegally obtained evidence using his eyebrows."

Indeed, sheriff's deputies working under Abdalla have been suspicious for years. Deputy Mike Svenkolovski said that Abdalla's knack for finding evidence was almost immaculate.

"We'd walk into a suspect's house and ask him some questions," said Svenkolvski. "We wouldn't have a warrant to search the place or anything, but somehow he was always able to snatch something. I remember one time we went into a man's house who was suspected of rape. When we left, Fred had a tissue stuck to his face. He told me he got all the evidence he needed."

Abdalla's eligibility to run for sheriff has also been called into question. Because the eyebrows are not natural hair, some in the Ohio Valley are wondering if Abdalla is even entirely human.

"Technically, if the reports are found to be truthful it would make Abdalla a cyborg," said Dr. Smith Bill. Dr. Bill is an anthropology professor at Franciscan University of Steubenville. "According to state laws, only a human being can run for office."

In 1974, the Ohio Supreme Court ruled that the city of Toronto could not elect a chicken into the mayor's office. If that case sets precedence, Abdalla could be forced to retire.

OVMC Urges Parents to Talk to Kids About 'Ebola Challenge'

WHEELING - It's the latest internet craze, and officials at the Ohio Valley Medical Center are wondering if anyone is going to try it. According to Dr. Harrison Purple, videos are going to start popping up of teens injecting themselves with the deadly virus.

"Ebola is an incredibly risky thing to put in your body," he said. "The mortality rate is thought to be as high as 90 percent. We all know how stupid our kids are. Teens like to live recklessly, and if I were young still I'd definitely be giving it a try."

Dr. Purple's statements in The Herald Star sent paranoid parents around the Ohio Valley into a massive hysteria. Wintersville resident Bertha Connors said she even had to ground her daughter.

"My daughter is a dolt if you ask me," she said. "She drives her car over the speed limit, and I think she drinks alcohol sometimes and engages in sexual copulation. I even had to take her to the emergency room last year after she inhaled some secondhand marijuana."

New superintendent of the Indian Creek School District John Rocchi said that combating the Ebola Challenge will be a top priority for the upcoming school year.

"We installed a new shower system at every entrance to the high school," said Rocchi. "The showers will hose down every student with Clorox bleach every time they enter the premises."

Clorox has become a sponsor for the school district after agreeing to use the brand for its disinfection system.

KOOL 105 Mourns Death of Last Fan

ELM GROVE - Mary Lou Anderson, 97, of Elm Grove, W.Va. died peacefully in her sleep on Sunday afternoon. Anderson was notable for being the last living fan of Bellaire radio station WUKL KOOL 105. Dwayne Dancer, the station's daytime host, said that Anderson was a kind lady, but he is glad to finally be able to move on to new opportunities.

"It's such a shame that I feel so happy that someone died," said Dancer. "Honestly though, it was a little exhausting announcing that Mary Lou Anderson was the Kool Kat of the day every single day. C'mon, that's just stupid."

With no fans remaining alive, KOOL 105 must make a decision within 30 days on whether or not it will continue playing 'Classic Hits' or move on to a new genre. Dancer says that he supports a change in pace.

"Hey I like some of these songs too, obviously," he said. "But there's only so many times in one day that I can hear Supertramp without losing my mind. Besides, nobody really listens to this station unless they're in a waiting room at OVMC or something."

President Obama Ready to Perform at Jamboree in the Hills

MORRISTOWN - Following weeks of preparation, President Barack Obama announced that he is confident he will be able to please the crowd with his upcoming performance at Jamboree in the Hills.

"I have OK'd this with Michelle," said Obama. "I've been practicing a few Elvis tunes to sing to her every now and then, and I can't wait to head out to Morristown, Ohio and give those folks what they came to see!"

Obama's performance will be supplemented with a guest appearance by the Ohio Valley's own Brad Paisley. The duo will perform Paisley's 2013 song 'Accidental Racist' together.

"It's the ultimate honor," said Paisley. "When I wrote that song, I hoped that it would help dissipate a little bit of the racism I've grown accustomed to in the Ohio Valley. Now, with this performance, we can finally end discrimination once and for all."

Obama has made his set list available to view on the White House's official website. Notable songs include Lynyrd Skynyrd's 'The Ballad of Curtis Loew', Taylor Swift's 'Love Story' and 'Football Friday Night' by Joe Zelek. He will also perform his own rendition of a certain Garth Brooks song with different lyrics and a different title, which Obama has dubbed 'Friends in High Places'.

The Secret Service was initially skeptical, according to reports. However, after interviewing residents around the valley, the anxiety seems to have subsided.

"You know, I haven't exactly been this president's biggest fan," said St. Clairsville native Clint Sawyer. "But me and my friends are very open-minded people and we're looking forward to the show!"

Wellsburg-Brilliant Photon Beam Bridge Set to Open in 2177

WELLSBURG - Ohio Vallians have been whining about not having a bridge between Wellsburg, W.Va. and Brilliant, Ohio for nearly 30 years, and it finally seems that their pleas are being answered. Officials from both states agreed on Monday to begin construction on the bridge in about 150 years.

Wellsburg mayor Sue Simonetti said that the bridge will be a major boost for the town's businesses in the future.

"It would be a major plus for our businesses to have access to consumers in Brilliant," she said. "We want to make sure that our local jobs will be secure someday."

The deal set a maximum budget of 157 trillion dogecoin to build the bridge that will be based on technology that hasn't been invented yet. Simonetti said that she's not quite sure how the bridge will work, but it will probably be convenient and aesthetically pleasing.

"Basically, we imagine that one day scientists will invent a way to condense light," she said. "It will probably be dense enough to drive on. What's even more interesting is that you would probably be able to instantly retract it whenever nobody is driving on it."

Scientists at Belmont Technical College have already began working on developing the new technology, but have expressed doubts on being able to honor the required deadline.

"I'm not sure 163 years is enough time for a project this big," said assistant professor Dan Blotsky. "But our entire staff and all of our engineering students will be hard at work on this for the rest of our lives."

While many people are excited about the bridge's arrival, some people (especially on the West Virginia side) remain opposed.

"That's the last thing we need," said Wellsburg native Ralph Zalenski. "They're going to put this bridge up and make it that much easier for those darned Ohioans to come get our jobs. I say keep them on their side of the river."

Murray Energy Plans Extermination of Retirees

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Following its acquisition of Consolidation Coal Co. mines last year, Murray Energy announced plans to begin a company-wide purge, executing nearly 1,200 retirees from the mines it purchased last year. Beginning Dec. 31, Murray plans on trapping the retired miners underground and detonating a large canister of mustard gas.

CEO Robert Murray says that the decision to execute the retirees came to him in a dream.

"I was sleeping on my water bed full of molten gold," said Murray. "The dark lord Ha-Satan-Obama appeared to me and convinced me to convert to the worship of R'hllor, the Lord of the Light. Plus, I'm a huge supporter of Mao Zedong and the Chinese Communist Party."

The purge will also let Murray Energy cut back on employee wages by eliminating food allowances.

"Once we kill all of the former CONSOL employees, we will feed their corpses to our own miners," said Murray. "They won't need money to put food on the table anymore, so we can finally cut that out of their salaries."

Murray also warned that if his employees do not convert to his new religion, he will decide their fates for them.

"If they do not give up their false idols, I will bring the fury of the Fire God and burn them at the stake with napalm dropped from my private fighter jets," said Murray. "And I will force their families to feast upon their charred remains."

New Local Cereal Valley-Yum! Reverses Sugar Effects, Calms Children Down

WHEELING - General Mills opened a new cereal plant on Chapline Street in Wheeling last week, creating hundreds of new jobs and producing a delicious new cereal with that home-cooked feel. General manager of the General Mills plant Gen. Douglas Fox, said that the new breakfast treat reverses the "hyper-activity trend" commonly associated with sugary cereal.

"Parents often refrain from buying their kids cereal with artificial flavoring in it because it makes them insufferable little brats," he said. "But Valley-Yum's secret ingredient actually stops kids from acting like wild baboons released from the zoo."

According to studies conducted by Wheeling Jesuit University, Valley-Yum! not only prevents the children becoming hyper-active, it completely stops them from being active at all.

"We took 50 random children and studied their activity levels for two months," said biology professor Leroy Skinner. "Then we measured their activity levels after giving them Valley-Yum! No matter their initial activity levels, they all gave up texting, computer games, Facebook and everything else that normally leads to juvenile delinquency, murder and satan worship."

Skinner noted that the cereal did seem to increase the children's fondness for watching C-SPAN.

"They suddenly enjoyed watching senators discussing foreign policy," he said. "And by golly did they love The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross."

Skinner's team also discovered that the cereal seemed to be an acquired taste.

"Most of the children didn't like it the first time, or the second time for that matter," he said. "But now their parents can barely keep the pantries full! It's all they eat! This will be great for business in our area."

Ohio Valley Will Have Estonia's Weather This Weekend

Good morning, afternoon, evening or night! We don't have to tell you what the weather's like today because you can just figure it out by going outside! Hooray!

Tomorrow, which is Friday if you forgot what comes after today, there's going to be all sorts of blowing stuff outside. Winds are expected to reach speeds close to 200 mph, so if you like NASCAR (who are we kidding, of course you do) you'll know exactly how fast we're talking about! Roger's Flea Market is expected to be in full swing tomorrow, so if you see stuff flying off of tables hurry up and grab it! It's yours!

Saturday is of course National Estonia Day and the Ohio Valley plans to honor the European country by having whatever weather Estonia does. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity for valley people to experience what life is really like in Europe.

As always, Sunday will be absolutely perfect. Ice Cube's 1993 hit song 'It Was a Good Day' will be played on repeat at full volume outside of the courthouse in Steubenville all day.

Monday will have a song of its own; 'Taps' will play once midnight strikes. You're all going to feel really pessimistic as you return to work and Wheeling officials will be handing out free SSRIs.

Thanks for choosing Storm Stalkers for your weekend weather report! From the area's worst team of meteorologists, we'll see ya next time!

Dasani in Water Lines Gives Local Family $3,200 Water Bill

WHEELING - A mistake at the Wheeling Water Department has left one local man with an astronomical water bill. Wheeling officials noticed that their drinking water started to taste a little "funky" earlier this month, and finally realized that they had been drinking the water from the city's water treatment plant that was meant for disposal. Mayor Andy McKenzie said that the city building's drinking water went to an unintended destination.

"We accidentally sent all of our Dasani water some guy's house," he said. "He's been peeing in Dasani, washing dishes with Dasani and taking his showers in Dasani. It's pretty funny."

Anthony Parsons (pictured) is not too pleased.

"I can't pay $3,200 for a water bill" he said. "I'm not a millionaire."

Mayor McKenzie said that the mistake is technically Parsons' fault.

"He's the one who is a citizen of Wheeling," said McKenzie. "And the citizens of Wheeling elect their own officials and pay the salaries of everyone here. He's technically our boss, so it's his problem not ours."

McKenzie also said that Parsons should have known not to desecrate the city's cherished Dasani supply.

"If he wasn't so stupid, he would have realized that the water he was showering in was too crisp to be city water," he said. "But he crapped in it anyway. It's not the water department's fault that he did that."

Tank Driving Ohio County Woman Wins Medal After Setting DUI Record

OHIO COUNTY, W. Va - Police say that the Ohio Valley has a new heroine this morning after 45-year-old Sharon Arnett (right) broke the world record for drunken driving. Arnett apparently had a blood-alcohol content three times higher than Anakin Skywalker's midi-chlorian count. Sheriff Pat Butler told reporters that it's times like this that make him proud of West Virginia.

"I'm just swelling with pride," he said. "I know it's technically illegal but I'm not exactly one for all that legal mumbo-jumbo. She drove her vehicle better than half my deputies drive their cruisers."

Arnett was pulled over in Triadelphia, driving an M1A2 Abrams main battle tank (example left). Inside were numerous bullet proof vests, rocket launchers and assault rifles. Butler said that, according to the 2nd Amendment, Arnett is allowed to drive a tank on the roads and her concealed-carry license is more than enough documentation for her arsenal.

"My main worry is for public safety," he said. "I hope you don't publish the fact that she has a concealed-carry permit. Someone might try to rob her because of that."

Butler, famous for his "public record is private information" logic, says he will award Arnett with the coveted West Virginia Metal of Valor.

"It takes extreme bravery to drive a tank drunk," he said. "She deserves recognition for that. She is a true West Virginian."

New Research Proves Ohio Valley is Literally the World's Largest 'Friendzone'

PITTSBURGH - Call it bad luck, blame it on the economy or whatever you want. But admit it. Every married couple you know is getting a divorce. All of your single friends are downtrodden by Cupid himself, and you don't believe that there are other fish in the Ohio River. Luckily for you and your anti-depressant bill, really, really smart people at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh have figured out why.

"There's nothing to do in that dump!" said Dr. Werner Kettering (right). "Married couples are getting bored and there's nowhere to take people out on dates. So, they naturally remain friends."

The research was done by analyzing the Facebook posts and Twitter tweets of an unspecified amount of teenagers whining in the Steubenville and Wheeling metropolitan areas.

"The sheer size of the boring area is what shocked us," said Kettering. "It is literally the largest 'friendzone' in the world. How can there be so many people that can't find anything to do?"

People around the valley shared that sentiment, and most of those who actually had a signifacant other said that they ventured beyond the area to find them.

"I met my dear lovely wife Annabelle when I moved to Brownsville, Tenn. from Steubenville," said Roger Parkinson. "She's just so much more into my tastes than people from the Ohio Valley."

Brownsville is a small town in western Tennessee with a population roughly half of Steubenville's, and somehow the people there are different psychologically.

Critics of the new discovery point out that the Ohio Valley is literally the exact same as 90 percent of everywhere else.

"What, they think that people outside the Ohio Valley are different?" rhetorically asked Matilda Davis of Carlisle, Iowa. "There's drama everywhere you go, and there's nothing to do anywhere if you're a complete idiot."

Michael Bay Directs Mock Accident at Weir High

WEIRTON - In an effort to reduce the risk of students drinking and driving at this year's prom, Weir High decided to step things up a notch. Susan Smith, superintendent for the Hancock County School District, said that standard mock accidents generally don't get the point across to students.

"This year, we concluded that we really needed to traumatize students," she said. "So we hired Hollywood special effects expert and director Michael Bay to coordinate this year's accident."

The mock scene began with a group of friends leaving a house party after prom night. They got in a car while joking that their 'designated drunk driver' was inebriated. Another student jumped in the car with a keg and inserted the tap into the driver's mouth.

"It's a little variant on the keg stand," Bay said. "You get in the car with the keg and then chug while driving. We used to do it all the time in high school."

The car was travelling at speeds over 90 mph, according to Bay. It sped through the high school's parking lot before running over an old woman in a wheelchair.

"And she had this crazy backstory we told the students too," said Bay. "She's just coming out of her nursing home to see the birth of her great-grandson, only she doesn't make it there."

The collision sent the old woman flying from the school all the way into the Ohio River. The car then lost control and slammed into parked cars where it exploded and shot 20 feet into the air.

"It was so awesome," said student president Greene Brian. "There were body parts flying everywhere out of that thing! The wreckage even landed on the principal's car!"

A Life Flight helicopter then attempted a landing, but it was too close to the car when its gas tank exploded, sending the helicopter spiraling out of control until it collided with the school. The helicopter dangled on the edge of the roof, threatening to fall while the crew waited inside helplessly.

"Then we rushed the students over to this little set we built," Bay said. "And there was this guy in there that screamed: 'We have to get them out of there!'"

Smith said that she thinks the program was a success.

"I hope that the students learned something today," she said. "Hopefully this will make them think twice about drinking and driving."

Greene Brian said that he and his friends enjoyed the mock accident.

"Man that was a heck of a show," said Brian. "I wonder if he'll come back for the sequel. Too bad I'm graduating, Homecoming would be the perfect setup."