Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Elderly Couple "Very Impressed" With Black Rural King Employee

Ron and Lisa Rutledge, 72 and 70

STEUBENVILLE -- Halloween may be over, but one local couple was still feeling a little spooked on Wednesday afternoon.

Ron and Lisa Rutledge of Steubenville were shopping for plastic bottles and grass seed at Rural King when they were approached by a young, black teenager.

"I just looked over at Ron and I tried to whisper at him to do something," Lisa said. "But by that point he was already upon us."

It was then that the 19-year-old Franciscan University student asked the Rutledges if they needed help carrying their items to their car.

"That sure did surprise me," Ron said with a chuckle. "He was actually very well-spoken and was very polite."

That helpful teen was Christopher Travers of Mingo Junction, has been working at Rural King for two years. For him, it's business as usual.

"I mean, it's my job," he said. "That's what I'm supposed to do and I do it every day."

For Travers, it was a small gesture. For Lisa Rutledge, it left a lasting impact.

"It's so refreshing to actually see young man like that actually working to make something of himself," she said.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

New Smithfield Tax Requires Blood Donations to Pay Debts

Pictured: A typical person from Smithfield
SMITHFIELD -- In what mayor Diana Holcombe described as an emergency situation, village leaders passed an ordinance Wednesday night requiring residents to sell their blood plasma to pay back the town's debts.

"We just had a vote on whether or not Smithfield would remain a town," Holcombe said. "You can't have your cake and eat it too. Until someone offers up a better solution, we have to pay the blood tax."

One resident proposed an alternative, a 1 percent income tax increase, but he was promptly escorted outside and beaten to death with the town's kaleidoscope.

"I'm not too happy about the blood tax," Troy Walker, a 2-week long resident, "But a tax increase on our incomes? That's just stupid."

According to the new ordinance, those residing within city limits will be obligated to donate blood at least twice per month. Those with blood deemed "unusable" will be allowed to donate hair, fingernails or a kidney.

57-year-old Lisa Smith angrily defends Rupert Warshington
"It's just the reality we have to face right now," Holcombe told OVN. "We have to make sacrifices, and those are key ingredients in witchcraft. They're the key ingredients which craft our solution, rather."

Key among the opposition to Holcombe and the city council was Rupert Warshington, a bald Smithfield resident who has no blood, kidneys or fingernails. The new proposal left him speechless.

"Look what this is doing to poor Rupert," 57-year-old Lisa Smith angrily shouted, pointing toward a blow up doll seated at a table.

Regardless, the ordinance passed as color faded from the town, flowers died and children's laughter turned to cries. The local mom-and-pop shop became a Walmart. The village was fenced off, FEMA camps were set up, men in hazmat suits appeared and all the Budweiser in town became O'Doul's.

"Nobody in the village of Smithfield was ever heard from again," George Grant said, reading from his copy of OVN's 2017 Year in Review. "And the rest of the Ohio Valley lived happily ever after."

8-year-old Billy looked around his bedroom. The story was over but he still didn't feel tired, only sick.

"Is that it grandpa?" he asked. "Is that the end of the story?"

George calmly patted his frail grandson's hand. The E. Boli had begun to take its toll, and the medical marijuana had just made things worse. ISIS would soon be rejoicing in its latest victory.

"Yes, dear child," he said, sadly. "This is the end."

Thursday, February 18, 2016

57th Teen Arrested In Movie Theater Shooting

STEUBENVILLE -- The arrests just keep piling up. Investigators say that they have arrested yet another 13-year-old from Wintersville in connection to a shots fired incident outside Carmike Cinemas at Fort Steuben Mall. The shooting occurred Saturday night.

Assistant prosecutor Sam Pate said that it was only a matter of time before the 58th arrest is made.

"We believe there may have been up to 76 teens involved," Pate said. "Each one of them had a different weapon. We believe the latest teen we arrested was carrying a GAU-19."

Movie theater employees said the small militia was asked to leave the premises after elderly moviegoers started feeling uncomfortable around young people.

This latest arrest also changes some of the charges that each teen is facing. Teen 36 is no longer facing charges of assault, but now faces two counts of attempted mischievous behavior.

Teen 23's charge of possession of marijuana is now being changed to possession of heroin.

Teen 48 is no longer facing concealed weapon charges, but now faces one count of domestic violence.

Teen 8 is now being charged with tax fraud.

Teen 1 is now being classified as Teen 3. Likewise, Teen 40 has been upgraded to Teen 2 while the former Teen 2 is now Teen 1.

Teens 13-24 and 32-37 were discovered to have brought their own soda into the theater, which is not a crime but Carmike Cinemas really wants you to know that.

While many around the Ohio Valley favor summary execution, others contend that the teens' 2nd Amendment rights are being violated.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

My Little Pony Painted Over Dean Martin Mural Sparks Outrage

STEUBENVILLE - Hundreds of college students gathered on Hollywood Boulevard today to protest a new mural in Steubenville. The target of the outrage is a painting of the popular children's show My Little Pony that replaced the image of Steubenville native Dean Martin. The mural's painter, Randy Weaver, said that the artwork was meant to signal a changing of the times.

Dean Martin Mural"Our little corner of the world has been stuck in the past for a long time," Weaver said. "We sort of felt that it was time to move on. Dean Martin is the past, My Little Pony is the now."

However, some students at Franciscan University felt otherwise.

"Dean Martin is still very relevant in our culture," said James Ellison, a computer science major. "That's Amore is basically the theme song of my life."

The students were joined by a small number of older Steubenville residents as well, albeit for slightly different reasons.

"They absolutely messed up Baby Heart Throb's mane," said longtime Steubenville resident David Stone. "Look at the colors they used. It's a disgrace to My Little Pony."

The change in artwork was largely supported around town, despite the fierce opposition from the younger age group.

"College kids will protest literally anything," said Dave Koresh, a local cat behavior consultant. "Last week those kids were protesting the Steubenville Cat Festival because of the dander cloud that blocked out the sun."

Koresh said that he enjoys the new theme, and hopes to see more murals like it.

"Honestly, it's a masterpiece," he said. "I hope the Market Street mural goes next. We've been trying to get Garfield painted over it since I was young."

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Linsly School Ditches Education for "Cognition Implants"

WHEELING -- Officials at The Linsly School have announced that classes will no longer be taught at the school beginning next year. For the 2016-17 school year, each student will undergo surgery to install a "cognition implant" (pictured right) directly on their frontal lobes.

"It's something we've been secretly testing on students for a long time," said headmaster Justin Zimmerman. "After many, many failures we finally made a breakthrough."

The implants are repurposed Intel central-processing units that will aid the brain when thinking about complex problems such as advanced rigatoni recipes.

"The problem we had to overcome had to do with compatibility," Zimmerman said. "We were using AMD CPUs at first. They're simply not expensive enough. When we made the switch to Intel, everything just clicked."

The surgery will cost students approximately $100,000. After the operation, the student instantly receives a high-school diploma. The current cost of a four-year Linsly high-school diploma is $64,560 for non-boarding students. Boarding students pay $133,560.

"The price is quite reasonable considering our current cost of attendance," Zimmerman said. "Considering that students will now save four years of their lives, it's actually a better deal."

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Ohio Valley News Purchased by Brad Paisley

OVN HEADQUARTERS -- After over 100 years of independently bringing the worst news to the Wheeling-Steubenville area, Ohio Valley News has been bought out by BNN, the Brad Paisley News Network.

BNN has provided the world with quality news for nearly two weeks. Stuff in the News with Brad Paisley has been a trusted source in the media world for the network's entire existence.

Another quality program offered by BNN is Do-Rags & Red Flags, with LL Cool J, an inspirational news channel bringing together the diverse races across the Valley.

Ohio Valley News will continue to bring you the best fake news in the future, the only difference is that from now on, all featured articles will be written, edited and produced by Brad Paisley himself. The current OVN staff will stay on the payroll, but our role has been reduced to playing Twister for Mr. Paisley's amusement.

Paisley, a Valley native, understands the culture of our small part of the world. We're very excited to see what he'll contribute to this organization. We hope that our readers will stay loyal and remember: NOTHING CAN REPLACE BRAD.

Friday, November 6, 2015

AEP Introduces TV Network

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- A spokesperson for American Electric Power said that the Ohio Valley can expect to receive programming from AEPTV, a new TV network that will provide a new form of entertainment to local homes.

"It was sort of inspired by 'Big Brother'," said Sheila Wodolosovosovich, spokesperson for AEP Ohio. "It puts live CCTV footage from our power plants right into your living room!"

Wodolosovosovich said that while surveillance footage is normally incredibly boring, AEPTV will offer tense action and gripping storylines.

"There's a ton of drama in our plants," she said. "You get to witness our employees try to avoid fatal accidents, explosions and structural failures."

The network's lineup includes a large collection of children's shows as well, which the company hopes will help kids cope with everyday issues.

"In one show there's an episode where we teach kids about eminent domain," said Nick Akins, CEO of AEP. "Hopefully it will explain to kids why their grandfather won't stop crying. We have to tear down the house that he built with his bare hands if we want power lines to reach the new shopping mall in town."

In a cartoon titled Alfie the AEP Alligator, the title character explains to AEP children the concept of divorce by violently devouring people.

"An alligator has to eat in order to survive," Akins said. "In the same spirit, we need our employees to spend their time at work, not at home, if we are to provide sufficient power to the buckeye state."

Mech Horses Provide Woodsfield's Amish With Unprecedented Speed

WOODSFIELD -- Following complaints from drivers about their slow speed on local roadways, several Amish citizens of Monroe County have begun using mechanized horses to pull their buggies. The new robots will allow the buggies to reach speeds of up to 93 miles per hour, and accelerate to 60 mph in 3.7 seconds.

Sheriff Charles Black said the change is welcome, and will save the Monroe County Sheriff's office and the State Highway patrol nearly $250 in ammunition.

"Normally we shoot the Amish to put car drivers out of their misery," Black said. "Now we can put that money to much better use. Monroe Central's computers haven't updated Adobe Flash Player in six years, so we can allocate that money towards an IT specialist."

Jamal Yoder, a resident of Graysville, said that while the mech horses make travelling easier, he and his family have yet to learn how to adapt to their new free time.

"The trip to Riesbeck's used to take hours," Yoder said. "It only takes me ten minutes with my new steam horse. So we're thinking about travelling and seeing the grand cities of the world. We may even make it as far as Wheeling if we're lucky."

The horses are built by Can-Am, and feature a revolutionary GPS system that allows the horses to navigate Monroe County. The GPS system has come under fire from local residents due a minor design flaw.

"They play that song 'Turning Japanese' very loudly wherever they go," said Norris West of Sardis. "But Can-Am said that's the only way the horses will operate. I don't know how that works, but if it keeps the real horses off the road it works for me."

The horse speed is controlled by a volume knob on the dashboard of the buggy. The louder the song plays, the faster the horse runs.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

We Found Ohio Valley Pics From the 50s! Look how things have changed!

Yesterday, OVN sat down with the Ohio Valley History Museum in Moundsville and we got an exclusive look into the past, all without a time machine! We were able to do this with the help of a cool little gadget called a camera, which is a piece of glass at the end of a tube! It was neat! Anyhow we decided to compare some old-time photos of the Valley to new ones and tell you how things sure have changed around these parts.

Wheeling - 1950s

Wheeling - 2015

What a barbaric era the 50s were in Wheeling! As you can see, the city's population according to the 1950 census was 39 MILLION people! It was so crowded that people couldn't even raise their arms in the air to helplessly signal airplanes to come rescue them from wild packs of animals running amok! Now that the population has fizzled out, people can finally drive cars around town.

Steubenville - 1950

Steubenville - 2015

As you can see, over the years color was spread to the Ohio Valley. Things were bleak 60 years ago! One of the biggest differences, according to the museum's curators, is that there were 1950s-style vehicles in 1950s Steubenville. As time went by, these cars were replaced with newer model cars. Interesting!

Bellaire - 1950

Bellaire - 2015

As you can see, 60 years ago Bellaire looked a lot like Chicago. Scary, right!? One thing that sticks out about the modern picture is that Bellaire now does not look like Chicago anymore! Is that amazing or what?

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Local Student's Homemade AK-47 Wins Science Fair

BEALLSVILLE - The annual Switzerland of Ohio science fair has concluded, and the winner of this year's grand prize is Beallsville's Barney Schwartz. Schwartz built a custom AK-47 assault rifle using parts from broken video game systems and kitchen utensils.

"It's a masterpiece," said superintendent John Hall, who served as the head judge. "He put accessories on that gun that I've never seen on modern weaponry."

Schwartz's AK-47 features a retractable bayonet, holographic sights with x-ray vision, an elastic barrel that can shoot around corners, another barrel that shoots enemies behind you, a fingerprint detector on the trigger, and an IR blaster so the gun can be used as a remote control.

"I used a ton of parts from my old Xbox 360 controller," Schwartz told Ohio Valley News. "So it has the entire auto-aim system from Call of Duty built in."

Schwartz said that he wasn't even going to enter his gun in the fair until his English teacher recommended it.

"He brought it to class to show me one day," said the teacher, Ncvltrd Prctrsdf. "It was way better than the time bomb that he brought in to get approved."

Second place was awarded to second-grader Madison Delaney, who invented a blender that ferments smoothies. Schwartz will receive a scholarship and his own parking spot at the Riesbeck's in Woodsfield. Delaney won a $100 Itunes gift card.

Only two other students entered the contest, and they each received a $10 gas card. Lewis Reindeer invented a cup that desalinates ocean water. Peyton Tweed discovered the cure for leukemia.

9 Things People Need to Quit Saying About the Ohio Valley

Let's face it, you've told someone that you're from somewhere in the Ohio Valley before. Then you always get the same stupid, ignorant replies. While these troglodytes mean well, they don't realize the emotional roller coaster they put you on. Here's a list of replies that need to stop.

1. "That's cool! I'm 1/2 Ohio Valley myself. My mom was born there."

2. "Oh I bet you eat a lot of rigatoni."

3. "Near Steubenville? I don't know where that is. Close to Wheeling? Where's that? Oh close to Pittsburgh? You're from Pennsylvania?"

4. "So is your last name Yoder or something?"

5. "Me too! I'm from Bellaire!"

6. "That's cool. I'm from Atlanta."

7. "Oh my god! Ew why? Get away from me you filthy inbred hillbilly scum!"

8. "I don't care! Stop following me around! I'm not interested in you! Can't you take a hint? I'm calling the police!"

9. "I'm from a small town too. Lancaster. It's south of Columbus."

Robert Murray Joins ISIS

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Murray Energy CEO Robert Murray announced on Fox News this morning that he is moving his company to Syria so he can join the Islamic State.

"I hate Barack Obama," Murray told Fox's Neil Cavuto. "The caliphate is the only entity that is doing anything about him. That's important to me. Also, I respect their disregard for basic human rights."

Murray also said that all current employees will be forced to relocate to Iraq and Syria.

"I need employees that I know I can trust," Murray said. "They'll all have to convert to Islam though."

The Islamic State's laws require non-Muslims to pay a tax or face execution.

"Taxes are a fate worse than death," Murray continued. "If giving up my beliefs while forcing my subordinates to do the same, instigating genocide, committing treason, enforcing Sharia law and executing women and children is what it takes to avoid paying the IRS, then I'm with al-Baghdadi. Allahu Akbar."

Several notable people from around the Ohio Valley took to Facebook to share their thoughts.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

This Smart-Mouthed Wheeling Teen Got Exactly What She Deserved!

WHEELING - An incredibly disrespectful teenager, 18-year-old Kelsey Anderson, posted the status above on Facebook yesterday and the backlash was swift and severe. Anderson was referencing the World War II LST ship (pictured right) that passed through the Ohio Valley yesterday.

Anderson, a student at Wheeling Park High School, was reportedly beat up at school because of her status.

"We put Kelsey outside the front doors and let the children of soldiers beat the hell out of her," said principal Amy Minch. "Then we dumped salt from the cafeteria all over her and then expelled her. There's no place for that kind of behavior in my school."

Anderson's parents reacted to their daughter's behavior like any responsible parent should.

"Oh we threw that little disrespectful rat out of our house when we heard what she said," said Anderson's mother, Pamela. "We also froze her bank account and shut off her phone so she would experience what it would be like if nobody fought for her freedom."

When Anderson tried to check into a local homeless shelter, she was promptly escorted from the premises and publicly shamed.

"What she said was despicable," said Lorna Brown, the director of the shelter. "There are veterans that live here. What kind of message would we be sending to them if we let that... that person stay here?"

OVN was told that Anderson tried to seek forgiveness at Saint James Lutheran Church on Chapline St, but was turned away there as well.

"Jesus died for our sins," said the Rev. Deborah Gable. "But not that one. No, not that sin."

To the delight of many around the Ohio Valley, Kelsey Anderson was arrested this Thursday afternoon. Wheeling Police say that they will likely send her to Syria so she can see how she likes fighting in a war.

"That'll show her," said police chief Shawn Schwertfeger. "I hope she rots over there."

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Glass Wall Will Be Built Along Ohio River to Prevent Flooding

Artist's conception of the future wall
CHARLESTON, W.Va -- West Virginia governor Earl Ray Tomblin announced that the state will build a 100-ft. tall glass wall along the banks of the Ohio River to keep residents safe from flooding.

"I have a strange feeling that we're going to get some rain pretty soon," said Gov. Tomblin. "The safety of our citizens is our number one priority."

The West Virginia Department of Labor said that the project will add a job to the West Virginia economy.

"It's going to be a great job for someone," said Tomblin. "The wall's going to be about 256 miles. That's about 35 years of work for one lucky person."

Officials Say Entire Gas Pipeline Must Be Moved 10 Feet

COLUMBUS -- Ohio Department of Natural Resources director James Zehringer announced earlier today that Enterprise Liquids Pipeline, LLC must uncover and move its entire natural gas pipeline in Ohio 10 feet to the left. Zehringer claims that the company made an error with longitude points when they originally mapped out the project.

"It's a minor mistake, but the consequences are dire," he said. "On the bright side, it will create more jobs for temporary Ohioans."

Several local landowners have already voiced their displeasure, saying that the new requirement will destroy even more farmland.

"My fields were almost unusable for an entire year," said Bloomingdale ambrosia farmer Ralph Elliot. "Whatever. Farming's stupid anyhow."

The company's parent, Enterprise Products, said that the news was completely unexpected, and was not notified of the decision ahead of time.

"I'm not even sure what to make of all of this," said CEO Michael Creel. "They said it has to be moved to the left, not east or west. Which way is left?"

Zehringer said that in order to compensate for the enormous amount of money Enterprise will lose, the company will not be required to pay landowners in order to move the pipeline.

"Well that's nice of them at least," Creel said.

This latest announcement comes only three days after ODNR announced that the Spectra pipeline in Belmont county must add a 3-layer helix spiral around a sacred Native American burial ground in Colerain in order to comply with tribal traditions.

Monday, August 31, 2015

OVN's Top 5 Blue-Green Algae Recipes Will Make Your Mouth Water

To the delight of many local food connoisseurs, blue-green algae has been popping up all over Monroe County! We decided to gather up the best chefs in the Ohio Valley to share their favorite recipes.

"I don't really think you're supposed to eat that," said Jeff Watkins of Wheeling's Avenue Eats.

"Isn't that stuff dangerous?" Ye Olde Alpha's Laura Parker asked.

Well to hell with Avenue Eats! Who needs Ye Olde Alpha? You can make these five delectable treats right in your own kitchen!

1. Blue-green Cake

7 quail eggs
2 cups of flower
1 cup of blue-green algae
3 teaspoons of baking soda
1 scoop of butter

This is the perfect birthday cake for that special someone whose favorite color just happens to be blue-green! Make sure you get the right kind of flowers for the occasion, we found that daffodils work the best. Dump all the ingredients into a large bowl and cook it in the oven for as long as you like. Do you like your cake soupy? Leave it in for 5 minutes. Crispy? Let that masterpiece go for five hours!

2. Blue-green Chai Tea

Lots of blue-green algae
A bunch of cloves
Some ginger
A few bags of black tea
A lot of cinnamon
5 shakes of nutmeg
10 oz. of cardamom

This one's a personal favorite. Great for those last few days of summer down by the Ohio River, blue-green chai has been a local staple for over eight months. The best part of drinking it happens the day after. When you wake up the next morning, you'll glow a nice shade of blue-green just like your favorite ingredient!

3. Blue-green Pizza

Blue-green algae
Blue-green blue cheese
Blue peppers
Blue bread
Blue pepperoni

We're not exactly sure where to find blue bread and pepperoni anymore, but check the farmers market in St. Clairsville. This delicious dinner will turn anyone into a fan of blue-green algae. The only downside? A slight rash will appear but it will be totally worth it!

4. Blue-green ice cream

Ice cream
Blue-green algae

This one's pretty simple, so it'll be pretty easy if you've never cooked anything before. All you need to do is gather up some blue-green algae (send your kids to get it, you'll thank us later) and some ice cream. Toss all that stuff in the blender and you'll have a tasty desert to go with your blue-green pizza and chai tea!

5. Pure Blue-green algae

Blue-green algae
Blue-green algae
Blue-green algae
Blue-green algae
Blue-green algae
Blue-green algae

Let's be real here, the best way to consume blue-green algae is to just suck it up and eat the stuff. It's probably the greatest flavor of all time. We're pretty sure that Nicki Minaj didn't write that song for no reason. Do yourself a favor and pay a visit to Sardis or Clarington to gather up the valley's finest food before those pesky rascals from the Department of Health and the Department of Natural Resources eradicate it.

Harrison County Unveils 'Pool House Courtroom'

The new courtroom, with a sauna in the east wing.
CADIZ -- After torrential downpours caused water to completely flood the Harrison County Courthouse, county officials decided to overhaul the building and install the state's first ever pool house courtroom.

"Going to court can be an incredibly stressful experience," Harrison County commissioner Dale Norris said. "So to take the edge off, we thought it would be prudent to make our courthouse into a five-star resort. We already have the water."

The new courthouse comes complete with a Hooters poolside bar and grill as well as an Asian massage parlor and sauna.

"It's going to make our jobs so much easier," Harrison County prosecutor Michael Washington said. "Arguing cases is a whole heck of a lot easier when you've got a clear mind."

Not all members of the Harrison County judiciary system were pleased with the information, however. Sheriff Ronald Myers shared a shocking revelation in an interview with Ohio Valley News.

Sheriff Myers, who can't swim.
"I can't swim," Myers said. "I don't know why, I just never could. I tried taking lessons but the instructor turned out to be Czechoslovakian drug lord who sold me to a bakery in Atlanta. That's a story for another time. Anyway, I've been scared of the water ever since."

Commissioner Norris said that the county knew about Myers' challenges with aquatics, and has a plan to deal with it.

"We're going to get him a pair of floaties," he said, holding back laughter. "I mean, first we'll have to get a levy passed to raise taxes by 0.0001 percent, which will be one heck of a challenge, but we'll make it happen."

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Kasich Approves $100 Grant to Steubenville High School

Kasich delivered five 20-dollar bills to superintendent
 Melinda Young.
STEUBENVILLE -- Expressing his deep concern for troubled inner-city students, Ohio governor John Kasich personally delivered a $100 grant to Steubenville City Schools this morning. The presidential hopeful told reporters that he was just doing his job.

"I knew I had to intervene when I heard about these poor children who were unable to purchase basic school supplies," Kasich said. "I saw that spiral notebooks were going for 17 cents a pop at Walmart, so this should be enough for five hundred or so."

Kasich said that although Steubenville students have it rough, they should be thankful that local prices are relatively low compared to the rest of the state.

"We bought Orange High School students Toshiba and Acer notebooks," said Kasich. "Those things cost about six-hundred dollars!"

Although thankful for the money they received, some entitled parents said that the money was not enough.

"My daughter has six different classes that she needs a notebook for," said Ashley Madison, an angry mother. "How do you expect her to cram it all in there?"

Kasich offered the concerned parents a solution.

"My staff and I have worked long nights to address this issue,"the governor said. "We have made a list of local thrift stores that sell used notebooks and pencils. Even you inner-city people can afford that."

Parents of neighboring school districts voiced their displeasure to the governor after his visit, saying that Kasich needs to address their districts' problems as well.

"I know, I know," Kasich said. "Times are tough. I'm setting up a GoFundMe account for every school district in Ohio. The goal is $10 million per school. If you really want the money, you'll raise it no time."

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Buckeye Local Installs Booby Traps In High School

RAYLAND -- The Buckeye Local school board voted earlier today to take extreme measures to improve student safety. Starting this year, lethal booby traps will be placed throughout the high school.

"We're really doing this just so I can be on the news," Superintendent Mark Miller said. "Whoops, I meant that we feel like we owe everything to our students and it is in our best interest to keep them safe. You can edit that first part out, right?"

Buckeye Local will be the first school in the world to implement deadly booby traps as a security measure. Miller designed the traps personally, and took inspiration from Hollywood.

"I was watching Indiana Jones," he said. "That scene where Indy runs away from that boulder came on and the first thing I thought of was it rolling down our hallways and killing terrorists."

Spring-loaded spears will also be installed in the hallway walls in addition to the rolling boulder. Trap doors will also be placed near the entrances to every classroom.

"There's this one incredibly weird emo kid named Billy that scares the hell out of me," Miller said. "Oops, what I meant to say was that you just never know who would harm people. It could be who you least expect. It might even be me if our students' parents don't stop sending me rotten potatoes in the mail."

Booby traps won't be the only new security measure this year, Miller also plans to arm teachers with military-grade weaponry.

"We're also putting a Hydra 70 rocket launcher in our trophy case," he said. "It's meant to be a last resort because it will blow the entire school into rubble, but if that's what it takes to stop these kids from taking too many trips to the water fountain... I mean if that's what it takes to stop an active shooter then we'll be ready."

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Liopleurodon Spotted at Jefferson Sportsman's Club

This picture of a Liopleurodon was taken
 at Jefferson Sportsman's Club.
BLOOMINGDALE -- A picture that made rounds through social media today has been confirmed by Ohio Department of Natural Resources to depict a massive Liopleurodon. Liopleurodons are ancient marine reptiles originally believed to have gone extinct after the last one died at the St. Louis Zoo approximately 150 million years ago.

The picture was taken by amateur biologist Wilhelm Clifton, a member of the sportsman's club, who immediately posted the picture to Facebook to warn the Ohio Valley of impending doom. Other local amateur biologists confirmed that it was indeed a Liopleurodon.

"I knew what it was the second I saw that there thing," said Bloomingdale resident Patsy Spurrington, an amateur zoologist. "They had them things on the Discovery Channel once so I recognized it right away."

Of course, the sighting of such a rare creature also brought along its fair share of conspiracy theories.

A Liopleurodon
"These are incredibly dangerous animals," said local amateur paleontologist Waldo Hearst. "The game warden should be tracking it, yet nobody is. What aren't they telling us?"

Other amateur scientists on Facebook theorized that local restaurants have hidden the Liopleurodons from the general public.

"It's a well known fact that Undo's does not use real meat in their food," said amateur sociopath Brian Adkins. "Liopleurodon meat is incredibly delicious and it only takes one to supply an entire restaurant for a year. What aren't they telling us?"

The sighting shouldn't come as a surprise for the Ohio Valley due to the close proximity of Jefferson Sportsman's Club to the Magical Fernwood Forest, where a saber-toothed tiger was spotted last year as well as a pack of sentient unicorns.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Jambouree In the Hills Canceled

MORRISTOWN -- Officials in Belmont County announced earlier this morning that they have won their court appeal to have Jambouree in the Hills canceled.

The fifth incarnation of the popular British music festival was set to begin this Thursday in the Cotswolds of Gloucestershire, to coincide with Belmont county's Jamboree in the Hills.

The motion was met with fierce opposition in London, but many people in the Ohio Valley said that an event with a similar name running at the same time has caused problems for Jamboree in the Hills.

"Last year, I missed Jambo because I got on a plane to the United Kingdom," Chad Pozzlekonski of Bellaire said. "There were rebel flags everywhere. I could have sworn I was at the right show."

People attending the two shows were not the only ones affected, some of the musicians playing would often travel to the wrong venue as well. Last year, Sheffield metalcore band Bring Me the Horizon showed up at Jamboree in the Hills.

"I honestly couldn't tell the difference," said Roy Werzshlezcieski from Tippecanoe. "Hell, I thought it was Florida Georgia Line."

Live Nation CEO Michael Rapino told Ohio Valley News that he is ready to move on after arguing his case in court for nearly two years.

"It really bothers me sometimes," Rapino said. "People need to stop making assumptions based solely on the headlines they read on news articles without reading the article itself, or realizing that the story was written by a satire publication such as Ohio Valley News, The Onion or Fox News."

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Wheeling Police: Man's 'Cocaine Pile' Revealed to be Snow

WHEELING -- Police say that a Warwood man who was put in handcuffs during a drug bust was freed after they found out that what they had initially believed to be cocaine was simply a pile of snow left over from the winter storms.

"We kicked in the door, shot some bullets around just to be sure and detained the suspect," said officer George Wilson. "He had a lot of suspicious white powder around his home that was causing concerns for some of his neighbors."

Wilson says that after he and his fellow officers smelled the pile of white powder, they discovered that it was not cocaine after all.

"I went numb immediately after I smelled it," said Wilson. "So I could tell it was extremely cold. Then I just had the best sensation wash over me. I guess it's just relief that it wasn't cocaine. I feel like I could fly right now."

Other officers reported feeling the same.

"You know, this is turning out to be the best case I've ever worked," said officer Jon Connington. "I feel like I could take on all the crime in Wheeling right now."

The rest of the interview was cut short, as our reporters could not hear anything over the loud music playing in the man's house as the officers watched cartoons with him.

"We figured we'd just chill with him for a while," officer Wilson said. "It's our way to say sorry."

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

JB Green Team Unveils 'Sad Squirrel' Logo Following Lawsuit

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Following the announcement of a lawsuit filed in Belmont County against JB Green Team, the company released a new logo in a plea for sympathy.

"Just look at those sad little squirrels," said program director Clifford Meyer. "You meanies hurt their feelings."

ESPN Courtroom commentator Brent Musburger told OVN that the new logo is an excellent move to buy sympathy from Belmont County common pleas judge Frank Fregatio.

"Judge Fregatio has a soft spot for woodland critters," Musburger said. "This is a huge move, but keep in mind that we don't know how Judge Solovan would react. Remember, he's the one that banned gladiator battles against lions in Shadyside."

The lawsuit was filed by attorney Christopher Gagin, who showed signs of remorse during an interview with Ohio Valley News.

"What have I done?" Gagin asked himself. "Look at what I did to those poor squirrels, they're crying their little eyes out."

Gagin then returned to the Belmont county courthouse to file a lawsuit against himself.

"Hopefully I can find closure and clean up this mess I've created," he said. "The only way to do that is to disbar myself."

A court hearing is set for April 2. Hundreds of squirrels in Belmont and Jefferson counties received subpoenas and will be required to testify under oath. Officials say that applications for squirrel translators are being accepted.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Massive Wheeling Traffic Light Causing Concerns

WHEELING - Residents of Wheeling are speaking out against what they say is a major inconvenience to daily life. The 300-foot-tall traffic light on Chapline Street is said to blind drivers and cast a glaring red, yellow or green glow across the city.

"It's a really confusing intersection," said (recently resurrected from the dead) mayor Andy McKenzie. "Plus, you have to think about the people around that spot. You have students late for classes at West Virginia Northern and crazy fitness junkies from Centre Town flying through there. It's a bad recipe."

McKenzie said he hoped that with a larger traffic light, drivers would notice red lights more often. What happened instead has caused an uproar.

"I can't even fall asleep at night because that light shines right through my bedroom window," said Paula Smith of Powhatan Point. "I don't think people north of Wheeling even realize how bright it is."

View from Chapline St.
Each signal emits a beam nearly twice as powerful as the Luxor Hotel beam in Las Vegas. At approximately 74 billion candela, they are tied with one another as the brightest beams of light in the world. Completed in 2013, the lights cost taxpayers roughly $96 an hour to operate.

While McKenzie says drivers are safer now that they can see the signal, commuters through the city have said otherwise.

"Oh I could see the signal all right," said Betsy Ginsburg as her car sank into Big Wheeling Creek. "But it doesn't help if it's literally the only thing I see."

On the other hand, supporters of the traffic light say that it is invaluable during the winter.

"Look at the rest of the valley," said Doug Crenshaw at Coleman's Fish Market. "It's been single digit weather out there and in Wheeling it's been 82 all week. How can you say no to that?"

Some citizens are very serious, however, going as far as asking the local Al-Qaeda branch for help. Al-Qaeda refused, calling the traffic signal a "protected holy site". City council has agreed to listen to complaints, however, many members have shown indifference to the matter.

"A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of a sheep," said Don Atkinson.

The city council meeting will take place 10 minutes from right now.