Comments Sections Prove Ohio Valley Favors Regression to Medieval Ages

THE COMMENTS SECTIONS OF LOCAL NEWS ARTICLES -- People who are probably important from Wheeling Jesuit University said that they have conducted a study on the comments sections of local online news articles, and have concluded that the majority of people in the Ohio Valley would prefer to live in the year 1373.

"We've reviewed thousands of comments on the news stories in the Valley," some guy said. "Most of them favor ritual executions for the majority of crimes, torture for others, an outright shunning of modern technology, and most of them want to change the national anthem to Good King Wenceslas."

The important person pointed to recent examples of stories that prove his point.

"Remember that shooting in Steubenville last week?" he asked. "Read a few of these top comments."

"They should let the family of the victim murder the family of the murderer!" said Martha Walker, of Beech Bottom. "That way he'll know what it feels like. Whatever happened to 'eye for an eye?'"

The comments only got more ruthless.

"They should strip him naked and toss him in the woods," said Leon Maxwell CV. "Cover him up in honey and watch the bears and bees tear him apart."

On another story, detailing an assault by three people on an elderly Harrison County man, the comments got more creative.

"They should slowly cut apart the guy and feed him to the girls that helped him," said Lewis C. Carter-Smith. "When the girls are done eating, they should be drawn and quartered like the good ole days."

On a story about a man caught with cocaine in Dillonvale:

"Kill him! Drain the blood from his body while filling his veins coke," said Annie Palmer. "See how he likes drugs then!"

On a story about a shoplifter in Moundsville:

"The death penalty is the only answer," said Rutherford Douglas. "She should at least get the noose, but that's too good for her."

Earlier this week, News 9 reported a story about a man receiving two speeding tickets in the same day in Smithfield.

"Back in the day they used to put criminals in the oven and cook them alive," said Steve Miller. "Instead, this clown will be allowed to break the law again."

Kristen Allen, of Wheeling, was given a citation for jaywalking on Monday.

"She needs to die!" read the top comment, from Jodi-Beth Harrison. "Whatever happened to the old days of law enforcement in this country? Smh. This woman broke the law, strap her to a chair, beat her bloody, dismember her, rip her hair out, dump molten lead on her skin, kill kill kill KILL KILL KILL!"

The comments section of every news article also features a meme with Michael Jackson eating popcorn.

"We don't know what that's all about," said the important guy. "The Ohio Valley is obsessed with it."

Negative Colors Reveal Domenick Mucci in Background of Clinton Family Portrait

STEUBENVILLE - Researchers at Eastern Gateway Community College announced earlier today that they have discovered the likeness of Steubenville mayor Domenick Mucci in the background of the famous portrait of the Clinton family. Professor Sun Yat-sen, of the graphic design department, said that his students discovered the hidden picture during an in-class assignment.

"We were working with negative colors and one of the students chose the Clinton family for his project," Sun said. "He inverted the colors and there you have it. Mayor Mucci creeping in the back behind Hillary."

Mucci declined to comment on the discovery, leaving the door open for conspiracy theorists across the Valley.

"Could it be?" asked Wintersville resident Don Cayote. "I think this means that our mayor is secretly a Clinton himself!"

Others in the Valley disagree, claiming that the picture means that Mucci has more power than most people realize.

"It's obviously symbolic," said Steubenville resident Nick Carraway. "It means that Mucci is watching over the Clintons, secretly controlling the government. Who knows what other political families he's watching?"

Science fiction writer Alex Jones posted on his blog that he has more information, posting that Mucci's real name is Æçãzaøn, and that he plans to release more on his children's show, InfoWars.

457 Pound Beaver Elected to West Virginia House of Delegates

Moira Deen hunting with Joe Manchin

CHARLESTON, W.Va -- West Virginia made history on Tuesday, electing America's first ever law-making beaver to the House of Delegates. Moira Deen (seen right), an ultra-conservative Republican, will represent a small patch of forest in the state's eastern panhandle.

"I'm really excited to hear the news today," Deen said. "It's great for West Virginians who are fed up with the direction this country is heading in."

Voters in Deen's district said that their main concern was the economy and protecting coal jobs.

While West Virginia is struggling to find an economic foothold, the coal industry actually gained jobs this year. Job losses in the state happen to be in the construction, retail, manufacturing and education fields.

"We don't really care about any of that garbage," said Deen. "The only thing that's important in this state is coal, it's our way of life. Think about it, we can be completely self-sufficient if our only industry were coal. We don't need education, retail and all that; leave that up to the other states."

The giant beaver said that she hopes to represent younger voters in the Mountain State, despite sharing none of the views of the younger demographic.

"I'm pro-life, and I oppose gay marriage," said Deen. "And I most certainly think that if you receive welfare, you should be drug tested and I'll make rehab a requirement for anyone caught with drugs."

Critics of Deen say that she isn't even a wild beaver.

"Of course I'm not a wild beaver!" she interrupted. "I have morals, you know."

By wild beaver, her critics mean that she is the pet of current minority leader Tim Armstead.

"Oh," said Deen. "I thought, never mind."

Some voters in the state feel that without life experience in the human world, Deen will simply radiate the same ideas implanted in her by Armstead. Also, critics say that Deen has been provided with white cedar and American chestnut trees to build her dams her whole life, so she'll never be able to relate to poorer beavers building their dams with pine trees.

"Well the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate," she said.