Comments Sections Prove Ohio Valley Favors Regression to Medieval Ages

THE COMMENTS SECTIONS OF LOCAL NEWS ARTICLES -- People who are probably important from Wheeling Jesuit University said that they have conducted a study on the comments sections of local online news articles, and have concluded that the majority of people in the Ohio Valley would prefer to live in the year 1373.

"We've reviewed thousands of comments on the news stories in the Valley," some guy said. "Most of them favor ritual executions for the majority of crimes, torture for others, an outright shunning of modern technology, and most of them want to change the national anthem to Good King Wenceslas."

The important person pointed to recent examples of stories that prove his point.

"Remember that shooting in Steubenville last week?" he asked. "Read a few of these top comments."

"They should let the family of the victim murder the family of the murderer!" said Martha Walker, of Beech Bottom. "That way he'll know what it feels like. Whatever happened to 'eye for an eye?'"

The comments only got more ruthless.

"They should strip him naked and toss him in the woods," said Leon Maxwell CV. "Cover him up in honey and watch the bears and bees tear him apart."

On another story, detailing an assault by three people on an elderly Harrison County man, the comments got more creative.

"They should slowly cut apart the guy and feed him to the girls that helped him," said Lewis C. Carter-Smith. "When the girls are done eating, they should be drawn and quartered like the good ole days."

On a story about a man caught with cocaine in Dillonvale:

"Kill him! Drain the blood from his body while filling his veins coke," said Annie Palmer. "See how he likes drugs then!"

On a story about a shoplifter in Moundsville:

"The death penalty is the only answer," said Rutherford Douglas. "She should at least get the noose, but that's too good for her."

Earlier this week, News 9 reported a story about a man receiving two speeding tickets in the same day in Smithfield.

"Back in the day they used to put criminals in the oven and cook them alive," said Steve Miller. "Instead, this clown will be allowed to break the law again."

Kristen Allen, of Wheeling, was given a citation for jaywalking on Monday.

"She needs to die!" read the top comment, from Jodi-Beth Harrison. "Whatever happened to the old days of law enforcement in this country? Smh. This woman broke the law, strap her to a chair, beat her bloody, dismember her, rip her hair out, dump molten lead on her skin, kill kill kill KILL KILL KILL!"

The comments section of every news article also features a meme with Michael Jackson eating popcorn.

"We don't know what that's all about," said the important guy. "The Ohio Valley is obsessed with it."

Smithfield Mayor Disappointed by Failure of Space Program Levy

SMITHFIELD - Mayor Ted Boyd had a vision of the future when he took office in 2011. He had an idea that would bring jobs to the small town of Smithfield, which would also provide a much needed boost to its fledgling economy.

"When I was campaigning for mayor, I promised everyone that I would take the community in a whole new direction," Boyd said in an interview today. "I said I would take us upwards. The sky's the limit."

Unfortunately for Boyd, voters didn't seem to take his message literally.

"We spent two years gathering the resources and planning a budget," said Boyd. "I didn't think the enitre town would take 'Reach for the Void, Vote for Boyd' figuratively."

Perhaps that's why voters were shocked when city council proposed a $196 billion tax levy for the village of 896. Had the levy passed, tax payers would each have had to provide on average $282 million per year to construct a space center on the grounds of Friendship Park.

"Obviously, some people were a little upset about having to pay more tax money," said city councilman Rob Warner. "We're just going to have to campaign a little harder next year and work on our transparency in town hall meetings."

The levy failed by a count of 376-0. Boyd points to his failure to connect with minority voters and women as the primary reason.

"I think some people were worried that we weren't going to hire blacks or Hispanics," said Boyd. "That idea is asinine, we would have a huge need for custodians with a space program this big."