Comments Sections Prove Ohio Valley Favors Regression to Medieval Ages

THE COMMENTS SECTIONS OF LOCAL NEWS ARTICLES -- People who are probably important from Wheeling Jesuit University said that they have conducted a study on the comments sections of local online news articles, and have concluded that the majority of people in the Ohio Valley would prefer to live in the year 1373.

"We've reviewed thousands of comments on the news stories in the Valley," some guy said. "Most of them favor ritual executions for the majority of crimes, torture for others, an outright shunning of modern technology, and most of them want to change the national anthem to Good King Wenceslas."

The important person pointed to recent examples of stories that prove his point.

"Remember that shooting in Steubenville last week?" he asked. "Read a few of these top comments."

"They should let the family of the victim murder the family of the murderer!" said Martha Walker, of Beech Bottom. "That way he'll know what it feels like. Whatever happened to 'eye for an eye?'"

The comments only got more ruthless.

"They should strip him naked and toss him in the woods," said Leon Maxwell CV. "Cover him up in honey and watch the bears and bees tear him apart."

On another story, detailing an assault by three people on an elderly Harrison County man, the comments got more creative.

"They should slowly cut apart the guy and feed him to the girls that helped him," said Lewis C. Carter-Smith. "When the girls are done eating, they should be drawn and quartered like the good ole days."

On a story about a man caught with cocaine in Dillonvale:

"Kill him! Drain the blood from his body while filling his veins coke," said Annie Palmer. "See how he likes drugs then!"

On a story about a shoplifter in Moundsville:

"The death penalty is the only answer," said Rutherford Douglas. "She should at least get the noose, but that's too good for her."

Earlier this week, News 9 reported a story about a man receiving two speeding tickets in the same day in Smithfield.

"Back in the day they used to put criminals in the oven and cook them alive," said Steve Miller. "Instead, this clown will be allowed to break the law again."

Kristen Allen, of Wheeling, was given a citation for jaywalking on Monday.

"She needs to die!" read the top comment, from Jodi-Beth Harrison. "Whatever happened to the old days of law enforcement in this country? Smh. This woman broke the law, strap her to a chair, beat her bloody, dismember her, rip her hair out, dump molten lead on her skin, kill kill kill KILL KILL KILL!"

The comments section of every news article also features a meme with Michael Jackson eating popcorn.

"We don't know what that's all about," said the important guy. "The Ohio Valley is obsessed with it."

Terrified Ryan Eldredge Forced Onto News 9 Rocket

STEUBENVILLE - Claiming that the increased altitude will allow him to see more of the Ohio Valley than anyone in the world, producers at News 9 put reporter/anchor Ryan Eldredge onto a recently purchased Saturn V rocket originally built for the Apollo program.

"This is going to help out our weather reports a great deal," said chief meteorologist Kevin Carter. "He'll be up above the clouds and can witness weather patterns first hand."

Eldredge protested that idea as he was being shoved into the rocket.

"I don't know anything about meteorology!" he screamed, kicking at his captors.

Erica Mokay told Ohio Valley News that having Eldredge in the sky will allow the news team to bring breaking news to viewers faster than ever.

"We cover a pretty large territory," she said. "Ryan Eldredge has like 20/5 vision. He can read the teleprompter from 400 feet away!"

Again, Eldredge offered a rebuttal.

"I was using binoculars! Please let me go!" he shouted to whomever would listen.

Rob Metzger said Eldredge will help fill a large hole left by the hospitalized Aly Cohen.

"Aly lost her gun duel with Fred Abdalla," said Metzger. "Luckily all 37 shots missed her vital organs and she's in stable condition. At least we'll have Ryan in the sky watching every game at once."

Eldredge begged to differ.

"How am I supposed to watch a football game from outer space?" he contested.

Also, due to budget cuts, the module Eldredge was supposed to ride in was scrapped at the junkyard. The news team was forced to tie him onto the rocket's exterior with ratchet straps.

"Please!" Eldredge yelled, to no avail. "Let me down! I'm scared of heights!"

His colleagues stood by and drank banana coladas as they watched their coworker venture into the unknown.

"Bye-bye Ryan!" yelled Crissy Clutter as she waved enthusiastically.

Eldredge is scheduled to land in the Pacific Ocean in about 3 years.

News 9's Aly Cohen Hospitalized by Steelers LB Lawrence Timmons

PITTSBURGH - A spokesperson for the Sinclair Broadcast Group said that WTOV-9 reporter Aly Cohen has awoken from her coma and is in good spirits. Cohen was rushed to the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center (UPMC) after receiving a devastating tackle from Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Lawrence Timmons.

Cohen was filming a package for her News 9 Sports Challenge series, which airs Thursdays on News 9 Live at 5. She has taken on various challenges from people around the valley, such as cup stacking competitions, mechanical bull riding and bowling. On the last show, she made 30 straight free throws to beat free throw legend Jim Pryor. For this upcoming week, she received her biggest challenge yet.

"Man I watched that free throw thing on TV," Timmons said in an interview. "She could've beaten Lebron James at that. So I had to step it up and represent the NFL before she put us to shame too."

Cohen suited up in football pads and was given five attempts to make it 15 yards past the 234-lb Timmons and score a touchdown. Unfortunately, she only made it through the first attempt.

"I'm not letting some girl beat me," said Timmons. "No way. Coach [Mike Tomlin] always says I gotta give it 100 percent every time. I hit her with everything I've got."

"The hit", as it is being called, was so loud that some people mistook it for a gunshot. Cohen was subsequently airlifted to UPMC where she received treatments for a concussion. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is unsure whether or not Timmons will be fined.

"I sent her some flowers," said Timmons. "And a get-well card. I wrote her a note in it. It says, 'This ain't over, Aly. You've still got four more tries.'"

News 9 Sports Challenge will not air next week, but Cohen's "Wild West Duel to the Death" challenge with Sheriff Fred Abdalla is still scheduled as planned.

Miami Heat: Dwayne Wade Just Jealous That Celina Pompeani Sells More Fatheads

MIAMI - Heat General Manager Pat Riley told reporters that Dwayne Wade's Achilles tendon is 'just fine', contrary to reports. The Miami guard has instead missed the past two games due embarassment after WTOV-9 reporter Celina Pompeani soared by him in Fathead sales.

"It's okay though," said Riley. "We got the whole team together and went to his house to let him know that we're here for him. He'll be ready to play Wednesday against the Pacers."

Wade found out that the Steubenville-area journalist had overtaken him on the Fathead charts during the third quarter against the Celtics. When fans started jeering at him, Wade ran to the bench crying (seen below).

Fathead, the makers of popular wall decals, recently released a line of Ohio Valley inspired wall stickers. Pompeani's picture become an instant success, selling nearly twelve Brazilian copies in its first week. Two other designs have had success as well, one being Steubenville Mayor Domenick Mucci decapitating a zombie with his signature katana 'Vince Offer', and the other being a giant bowl of rigatoni (below).



Riley said that during the team's visit to Wade's home, they even brought him a special surprise.

"We pulled a couple of strings, made some calls and got Dwayne his very own autographed Celina Pompeani sticker," he said. "He was thrilled. He even tore down his Kim Il-Sung Fathead to make room for it."

The special edition decal that Wade received even live streams WTOV-9 whenever Pompeani is on-air.

Disheveled Adam Del Rosso Spotted in Hut Near Ohio River

STEUBENVILLE - It's a question that has been on the minds of Ohio Valley residents for years. What does WTOV-9's Adam Del Rosso do during the weekdays? The meteorologist comes in to report the weather on the weekends, then mysteriously disappears for five days in a row. Many have speculated that he doesn't exist at all, noting that he has never actually been seen in public aside from reporting for News 9. For this special report we teamed up with Del Rosso's friend and colleague, Kevin Carter, to find out where it is he runs off to during his days off.

"Adam is an incredibly professional meteorologist," said Carter. "He's very photogenic, you know? He just looks like he was born to be on television."

Del Rosso joined News 9 in 2011, but in all his time there he has not shown up to a single event outside of where WTOV sends him.

"We've had Christmas parties and there have been birthday parties, but Adam's always nowhere to be seen," Carter said. "Jeff [Oechslein] and I always thought that maybe he was just anti-social, but one day he showed up to work looking like a mess."

Carter took a picture (right) of Del Rosso and showed it to the rest of the staff, raising concerns about his well-being.

"The odd thing was," said Carter. "He just sort of shrugged his shoulders and muttered something at me. He went into the bathroom and ten minutes later he came out looking absolutely normal. That's when I knew I had to find out what was going on."

Carter joined a team of OVN reporters as we followed Del Rosso last week after his Sunday weather report. He drove down to the Ohio River, walked through the woods and into a hut (pictured above). We waited outside until the next morning before finally approaching him with caution.

"I was absolutely shocked," Carter said. "I still can't believe he lives in a hut by the river."

When he spotted us, Del Rosso was sharpening a spear and wearing nothing but a loincloth. His beard had already grown back and he seemed startled to see that we discovered his whereabouts.

"It was almost as if he'd seen a ghost," said Carter. "I was worried he might attack us for a moment."

As if the situation wasn't peculiar enough, Del Rosso spoke in a strange, guttural tribal language. He would not address us in English, but he did show us around his residence. There was a small fire cackling next to his hut, where he had some squirrels and rabbits roasting for dinner.

"What really got me were his rock paintings," Carter said. "I had no idea that's how he accurately predicts the valley's weather."

On a large boulder next to his hut were a series of paintings (left) that seemed to reflect Del Rosso's weather forecasts. There were several drawings of the sun and moon, as well as depictions of various gods and goddesses from around the world.

After showing us his establishment, Del Rosso beckoned us toward the river, where he dove into the icy currents without hesitation. He resurfaced nearly a minute later with a fish in his mouth.

"You know something, that was the best fish fillet I've ever eaten in my entire life," said Carter as he drove us through Steubenville on the ride home.

We returned to the WTOV-9 studios the next weekend to discuss the visit with Del Rosso. He showed up to work looking as if nothing strange had happened. When we asked him to talk about the past weekend, he seemed bewildered.

"What on Earth are you talking about?" asked Del Rosso. "I live in a house in town. You must be mistaking me for someone else."

Later that day, the News 9 team stared in shock as a pair of salamanders escaped from Del Rosso's pocket and ran free in the studio.

Jeff Oechslein Wins 'Jeff Oechslein Look-Alike Contest'

STEUBENVILLE - Jeff Oechslein won a record tenth straight 'Jeff Oechslein Look-Alike Contest' yesterday, making him the winner every year since the contest began in 2003. The meteorologist from WTOV 9 said that he never anticipated this kind of success.

"This all just feels like a dream," said Oechslein. "I mean, the camera adds a few pounds and that had me really worried this year."

The contest was held at Steubenville Big Red High School as part of the annual 'Rigatoni for Rwanda' event. Over fifteen people entered the contest, including one from every racial minority. Pedro Gonzalez won the coveted 'I Look Like a Mexican Jeff Oechslein' award.

"There's a lot of different minorities we could give an award for," said event organizer Douglas Brown. "But just imagine a Mexican Jeff Oechslein telling you about the weather in the Ohio Valley. It would be hilarious!"

Oechslein, however, will move on to the regional semifinals next week.

"I hope I can give a better performance than I did last year," said Oechslein.

At least year's Jeff Oechslein Look-Alike regional semifinals, Oechslein showed up hungover after a night of partying in downtown Cincinnati. Paparazzi took videos of the meteorologist standing on a table in a bar pretending to be a preacher. The videos showed him rambling on about stratus clouds for nearly three straight hours. Judges told the media that Oechslein "wasn't looking like himself". Oechslein finished a disappointing third.

"Of course, the big goal this year is to knock off that rascal Anderson Cooper," Oechslein said. "That's the final challenge."

Cooper won the national award last year, replacing defending champion Al Roker. Oechslein has won the national prize six times.