"This is going to help out our weather reports a great deal," said chief meteorologist Kevin Carter. "He'll be up above the clouds and can witness weather patterns first hand."
Eldredge protested that idea as he was being shoved into the rocket.
"I don't know anything about meteorology!" he screamed, kicking at his captors.
Erica Mokay told Ohio Valley News that having Eldredge in the sky will allow the news team to bring breaking news to viewers faster than ever.
"We cover a pretty large territory," she said. "Ryan Eldredge has like 20/5 vision. He can read the teleprompter from 400 feet away!"
Again, Eldredge offered a rebuttal.
"I was using binoculars! Please let me go!" he shouted to whomever would listen.
Rob Metzger said Eldredge will help fill a large hole left by the hospitalized Aly Cohen.
"Aly lost her gun duel with Fred Abdalla," said Metzger. "Luckily all 37 shots missed her vital organs and she's in stable condition. At least we'll have Ryan in the sky watching every game at once."
Eldredge begged to differ.
"How am I supposed to watch a football game from outer space?" he contested.
Also, due to budget cuts, the module Eldredge was supposed to ride in was scrapped at the junkyard. The news team was forced to tie him onto the rocket's exterior with ratchet straps.
"Please!" Eldredge yelled, to no avail. "Let me down! I'm scared of heights!"
His colleagues stood by and drank banana coladas as they watched their coworker venture into the unknown.
"Bye-bye Ryan!" yelled Crissy Clutter as she waved enthusiastically.
Eldredge is scheduled to land in the Pacific Ocean in about 3 years.
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