Massive Wheeling Traffic Light Causing Concerns

WHEELING - Residents of Wheeling are speaking out against what they say is a major inconvenience to daily life. The 300-foot-tall traffic light on Chapline Street is said to blind drivers and cast a glaring red, yellow or green glow across the city.

"It's a really confusing intersection," said (recently resurrected from the dead) mayor Andy McKenzie. "Plus, you have to think about the people around that spot. You have students late for classes at West Virginia Northern and crazy fitness junkies from Centre Town flying through there. It's a bad recipe."

McKenzie said he hoped that with a larger traffic light, drivers would notice red lights more often. What happened instead has caused an uproar.

"I can't even fall asleep at night because that light shines right through my bedroom window," said Paula Smith of Powhatan Point. "I don't think people north of Wheeling even realize how bright it is."

View from Chapline St.

Each signal emits a beam nearly twice as powerful as the Luxor Hotel beam in Las Vegas. At approximately 74 billion candela, they are tied with one another as the brightest beams of light in the world. Completed in 2013, the lights cost taxpayers roughly $96 an hour to operate.

While McKenzie says drivers are safer now that they can see the signal, commuters through the city have said otherwise.

"Oh I could see the signal all right," said Betsy Ginsburg as her car sank into Big Wheeling Creek. "But it doesn't help if it's literally the only thing I see."

On the other hand, supporters of the traffic light say that it is invaluable during the winter.

"Look at the rest of the valley," said Doug Crenshaw at Coleman's Fish Market. "It's been single digit weather out there and in Wheeling it's been 82 all week. How can you say no to that?"

Some citizens are very serious, however, going as far as asking the local Al-Qaeda branch for help. Al-Qaeda refused, calling the traffic signal a "protected holy site". City council has agreed to listen to complaints, however, many members have shown indifference to the matter.

"A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of a sheep," said Don Atkinson.

The city council meeting will take place 10 minutes from right now.

Welfare Recipients Now Required to Win Game Show

BELLAIRE - Gov. John Kasich announced Wednesday morning that starting immediately, all Ohio residents receiving entitlement money must win a televised game show in order receive their payment. The show, titled Deal? Or Disability, will air on local NBC affiliates across the state. Gov. Kasich said in his State of the State address that he would take action against the lower class whenever he had the free time.

"We're wasting too much taxpayer money on these scumbags," Kasich said. "We have to cut back our spending, so in order to receive their money, they'll have to win it on live television."

Each affiliate will host its own version of the show. The Wheeling-Steubenville television market will be broadcast from Bellaire. Kasich said that the program will be divided into three rounds as he screened a pilot episode featuring the show's first winner, Katy Rodgers of Neffs.

"The first round is called 'Why Don't You Get A Job?'" Kasich said. "Each contestant will go on-air and explain why they aren't working. Whoever gives the worst excuse is eliminated."

Ms. Rodgers advanced to the next round after explaining her difficulties with finding employment.

"This young lady could not get a job because of her liberal-arts degree," said Kasich. "She obviously decided to better herself by getting an education, so she moves on. Let me point you to someone who does not get a handout."

The contestant eliminated first was Marcus White from Sardis.

"Mr. White has four children, one of whom has autism" said Kasich. "He's trying to game the system by getting money to 'take care of his children'. Having kids to take care of is an immediate disqualification. If you can't get a job, why would you have kids?"

The second round began with a video clip of White returning home to his pathetic, starving family. In a phone interview with OVN, White claims he was one of the last employees to be laid off from Ormet, and that his kids were born before he lost his job. It was pretty pathetic.

"This part gets the contestants motivated," Kasich said with a smile. "Anyhow, the next round is the drug test. I'm betting it'll be a fan favorite."

During the drug test, participants must pee in a cup while the cameras are rolling.

"That way you all at home will know that your hard earned money certainly won't be going into any drug addict's pockets," said Kasich. "There will be six contestants left by this point, but we have to narrow it down to just two for the final round. Statistically, only 17 percent of people receiving unemployment test positive for drugs. Naturally, they'll have to pass a lie detector test."

Kasich claimed that if that doesn't get the number down to two, contestants will be eliminated randomly.

"That's life for you," he said. "You have to prepare for the worst."

The final round is simply determined by the viewers.

"It's your tax money, so we'll let you decide who gets the money," said Kasich. "In our test episode we awarded the runner-up a couple of food stamps. Ms. Rodgers won the jackpot, admittance to our state welfare program."

Most people in the Ohio Valley have responded favorably to the new program.

"This looks like so much fun," said Daniel Hersh via email. "It kind of makes me want to lose my job. I would absolutely love to live on welfare."

The show will begin broadcasting next Monday at 6 p.m., following News 9 Live at 5.

Record Number of Buckeye Local Students Sorted Into Gryffindor

RAYLAND - Following the school district's annual midyear sorting ceremony, Buckeye Local superintendent Mark Miller says that this year's freshman class includes a larger-than-usual number of Gryffindors.

"100 percent of them actually, but we have faith in the Sorting Hat," Miller said. "In the end, no matter which House the student is assigned, they all get the same old-fashioned Buckeye Local education."

Students at the high school say that they're glad the ceremony is finally over.

"I was bloody nervous," student Isaac Martin said. "Dad was a Gryffindor and me mum was a Hufflepuff. My elder brother caused a kerfuffle when he joined up with those Slytherins, he's a right dodgy chap, mind you. I'm a Gryffindor now, so now I can focus on my studies."

Martin said that the large number of classmates that were sorted into the same house will help him study more efficiently.

"Transfiguration is mental, I tell you," he said. "I hadn't had it so bad in primary. But now I have all these fellow Gryffindors to study with. I'll need that for Potions and Divination, codswallop if you ask me."

Tanisha Gibson, a transfer student from Steubenville Big Red, said that the Sorting Ceremony left her frightened and confused.

"I just started here like last week," she said. "I've never heard of any of these classes these people are teaching here. Then today they put that hat up on my head and it started talking. I [expletive] you not, that hat started talking."

Gibson then left the building, vowing never to return.

"No, I'm never, ever setting foot in that place again," she said.

Martins Ferry School District superintendent Dirk Fitch told Ohio Valley News that he is embarrassed for his old friend, Miller.

"I would just like to let the Ohio Valley know something very important," he said. "This is what happens when you don't pass your school levies."

West Virginia Raises Drinking Age to 18

WHEELING -- Riots have erupted in the streets of Wheeling after the West Virginia Legislature unanimously voted to raise the drinking age from 10 to 18. Local blue-collar workers say that they've had enough of the government interfering with their way of life.

"I work 60-hour work weeks on the pipeline just to feed my family," said 14-year-old Connor Armstrong. "Is it too much for me to ask to drink a case when I get done?"

Wheeling police officers told reporters that they were ready for the riots, having planned weeks in advance.

"Basically, we're going to sit back here and watch," said police chief Shawn Schwertfeger. "Eventually they'll get tired and go home."

Conversely, fireman Craig Morrison said that the fire department is taking extra precautions due to the massive fire hazard posed by the crowd.

"If they start burning things, we're all screwed," he said. "AXE body spray is extremely explosive. If that crowd gets too close to a fire, expect a full-scale nuclear winter."

Jefferson County Inmates Stage 'Walkout' to Protest Jail Conditions

STEUBENVILLE - Inmates at the Jefferson County Jail in Steubenville are not happy about their living conditions, and they let city leaders know by holding a walkout. 62 prisoners reportedly left the building and walked down the street to the Jefferson County courthouse to peacefully protest.

"We made these neat little signs with glitter on them," said inmate Jerek Wesley. "The signs are really bright and I hope that grabs people's attention when they're driving by."

The inmates told reporters that they demand a lounge in the jail, complete with a bar and grill.

"The food sucks here man," said Kenneth Lucas. "We put in 24 hours a day in here, the least they can do is give us something edible."

Jefferson County sheriff Fred Abdalla told worried residents that the prisoners are still U.S. citizens and have the right to demonstrate their displeasure.

"It's their First Amendment right and if they want to utilize it, I'm fine with it," Abdalla said. "The last thing I need is for the prisoners to turn the tables and take me to court."

The protest lasted for about three hours before the inmates walked back to their cells without incident.

"You know, it actually went much better than I anticipated," said mayor Domenick Mucci. "I think that we should do more of these."

Some notable residents were seen among the crowd, including Big Red football coach Reno Saccoccia and coal magnate Robert Murray.

"Hey it's only a matter of time before we're in there too," Saccoccia told reporters. "So we might as well make sure it's nice and comfy."

Local Man Won't Even Buy Groceries Until He's Checked Doan Ford

STEUBENVILLE - Family members of Don Larson (pictured right) are voicing their concerns over the 42-year-old's obsession with Doan Ford.

"It's getting out of hand," said his wife, Michelle Larson. "I asked him the other day to pick up some milk from Krogers. It's right down the road but he was gone for two hours!"

When his wife questioned him, Don admitted that he made the 45-minute drive to Belmont.

"He told me that he wasn't buying until he checked Doan Ford," Ms. Larson said. "It's getting out of hand, he does this all the time."

Larson's 16-year-old son, Kevin, said that it gets embarrassing to shop with his father in public.

"Dad took me out to buy a new Playstation game the other day," said Kevin. "When we went up to the counter at Game Stop he started rambling about how disappointed he was with Doan Ford's selection."

Doan Ford general manager Steve Mercer told reporters that the salespeople have accepted the fact that Larson will never go away.

"We were stern with him at first," Mercer said. "But he just kept coming back, asking for something new every day. One day he's looking for dish soap and the next day he wants our opinion on garden hoses."

Mercer said that dealing with Larson has become routine.

"We tell him the same thing every day," he said. "'We're sorry sir, but we're a car dealership, we don't sell assault rifles and liquor.' He drives a long way to get here, but he just smiles, thanks us and leaves."