Wednesday, November 5, 2014

457 Pound Beaver Elected to West Virginia House of Delegates

Moira Deen hunting with Joe Manchin
CHARLESTON, W.Va -- West Virginia made history on Tuesday, electing America's first ever law-making beaver to the House of Delegates. Moira Deen (seen right), an ultra-conservative Republican, will represent a small patch of forest in the state's eastern panhandle.

"I'm really excited to hear the news today," Deen said. "It's great for West Virginians who are fed up with the direction this country is heading in."

Voters in Deen's district said that their main concern was the economy and protecting coal jobs.

While West Virginia is struggling to find an economic foothold, the coal industry actually gained jobs this year. Job losses in the state happen to be in the construction, retail, manufacturing and education fields.

"We don't really care about any of that garbage," said Deen. "The only thing that's important in this state is coal, it's our way of life. Think about it, we can be completely self-sufficient if our only industry were coal. We don't need education, retail and all that; leave that up to the other states."

The giant beaver said that she hopes to represent younger voters in the Mountain State, despite sharing none of the views of the younger demographic.

"I'm pro-life, and I oppose gay marriage," said Deen. "And I most certainly think that if you receive welfare, you should be drug tested and I'll make rehab a requirement for anyone caught with drugs."

Critics of Deen say that she isn't even a wild beaver.

"Of course I'm not a wild beaver!" she interrupted. "I have morals, you know."

By wild beaver, her critics mean that she is the pet of current minority leader Tim Armstead.

"Oh," said Deen. "I thought, never mind."

Some voters in the state feel that without life experience in the human world, Deen will simply radiate the same ideas implanted in her by Armstead. Also, critics say that Deen has been provided with white cedar and American chestnut trees to build her dams her whole life, so she'll never be able to relate to poorer beavers building their dams with pine trees.

"Well the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate," she said.

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