"We're really doing this just so I can be on the news," Superintendent Mark Miller said. "Whoops, I meant that we feel like we owe everything to our students and it is in our best interest to keep them safe. You can edit that first part out, right?"
Buckeye Local will be the first school in the world to implement deadly booby traps as a security measure. Miller designed the traps personally, and took inspiration from Hollywood.
"I was watching Indiana Jones," he said. "That scene where Indy runs away from that boulder came on and the first thing I thought of was it rolling down our hallways and killing terrorists."
Spring-loaded spears will also be installed in the hallway walls in addition to the rolling boulder. Trap doors will also be placed near the entrances to every classroom.
"There's this one incredibly weird emo kid named Billy that scares the hell out of me," Miller said. "Oops, what I meant to say was that you just never know who would harm people. It could be who you least expect. It might even be me if our students' parents don't stop sending me rotten potatoes in the mail."
Booby traps won't be the only new security measure this year, Miller also plans to arm teachers with military-grade weaponry.
"We're also putting a Hydra 70 rocket launcher in our trophy case," he said. "It's meant to be a last resort because it will blow the entire school into rubble, but if that's what it takes to stop these kids from taking too many trips to the water fountain... I mean if that's what it takes to stop an active shooter then we'll be ready."
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