Monday, August 31, 2015

Harrison County Unveils 'Pool House Courtroom'

The new courtroom, with a sauna in the east wing.
CADIZ -- After torrential downpours caused water to completely flood the Harrison County Courthouse, county officials decided to overhaul the building and install the state's first ever pool house courtroom.

"Going to court can be an incredibly stressful experience," Harrison County commissioner Dale Norris said. "So to take the edge off, we thought it would be prudent to make our courthouse into a five-star resort. We already have the water."

The new courthouse comes complete with a Hooters poolside bar and grill as well as an Asian massage parlor and sauna.

"It's going to make our jobs so much easier," Harrison County prosecutor Michael Washington said. "Arguing cases is a whole heck of a lot easier when you've got a clear mind."

Not all members of the Harrison County judiciary system were pleased with the information, however. Sheriff Ronald Myers shared a shocking revelation in an interview with Ohio Valley News.

Sheriff Myers, who can't swim.
"I can't swim," Myers said. "I don't know why, I just never could. I tried taking lessons but the instructor turned out to be Czechoslovakian drug lord who sold me to a bakery in Atlanta. That's a story for another time. Anyway, I've been scared of the water ever since."

Commissioner Norris said that the county knew about Myers' challenges with aquatics, and has a plan to deal with it.

"We're going to get him a pair of floaties," he said, holding back laughter. "I mean, first we'll have to get a levy passed to raise taxes by 0.0001 percent, which will be one heck of a challenge, but we'll make it happen."

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