KOOL 105 Mourns Death of Last Fan

ELM GROVE - Mary Lou Anderson, 97, of Elm Grove, W.Va. died peacefully in her sleep on Sunday afternoon. Anderson was notable for being the last living fan of Bellaire radio station WUKL KOOL 105. Dwayne Dancer, the station's daytime host, said that Anderson was a kind lady, but he is glad to finally be able to move on to new opportunities.

"It's such a shame that I feel so happy that someone died," said Dancer. "Honestly though, it was a little exhausting announcing that Mary Lou Anderson was the Kool Kat of the day every single day. C'mon, that's just stupid."

With no fans remaining alive, KOOL 105 must make a decision within 30 days on whether or not it will continue playing 'Classic Hits' or move on to a new genre. Dancer says that he supports a change in pace.

"Hey I like some of these songs too, obviously," he said. "But there's only so many times in one day that I can hear Supertramp without losing my mind. Besides, nobody really listens to this station unless they're in a waiting room at OVMC or something."

President Obama Ready to Perform at Jamboree in the Hills

MORRISTOWN - Following weeks of preparation, President Barack Obama announced that he is confident he will be able to please the crowd with his upcoming performance at Jamboree in the Hills.

"I have OK'd this with Michelle," said Obama. "I've been practicing a few Elvis tunes to sing to her every now and then, and I can't wait to head out to Morristown, Ohio and give those folks what they came to see!"

Obama's performance will be supplemented with a guest appearance by the Ohio Valley's own Brad Paisley. The duo will perform Paisley's 2013 song 'Accidental Racist' together.

"It's the ultimate honor," said Paisley. "When I wrote that song, I hoped that it would help dissipate a little bit of the racism I've grown accustomed to in the Ohio Valley. Now, with this performance, we can finally end discrimination once and for all."

Obama has made his set list available to view on the White House's official website. Notable songs include Lynyrd Skynyrd's 'The Ballad of Curtis Loew', Taylor Swift's 'Love Story' and 'Football Friday Night' by Joe Zelek. He will also perform his own rendition of a certain Garth Brooks song with different lyrics and a different title, which Obama has dubbed 'Friends in High Places'.

The Secret Service was initially skeptical, according to reports. However, after interviewing residents around the valley, the anxiety seems to have subsided.

"You know, I haven't exactly been this president's biggest fan," said St. Clairsville native Clint Sawyer. "But me and my friends are very open-minded people and we're looking forward to the show!"

Wellsburg-Brilliant Photon Beam Bridge Set to Open in 2177

WELLSBURG - Ohio Vallians have been whining about not having a bridge between Wellsburg, W.Va. and Brilliant, Ohio for nearly 30 years, and it finally seems that their pleas are being answered. Officials from both states agreed on Monday to begin construction on the bridge in about 150 years.

Wellsburg mayor Sue Simonetti said that the bridge will be a major boost for the town's businesses in the future.

"It would be a major plus for our businesses to have access to consumers in Brilliant," she said. "We want to make sure that our local jobs will be secure someday."

The deal set a maximum budget of 157 trillion dogecoin to build the bridge that will be based on technology that hasn't been invented yet. Simonetti said that she's not quite sure how the bridge will work, but it will probably be convenient and aesthetically pleasing.

"Basically, we imagine that one day scientists will invent a way to condense light," she said. "It will probably be dense enough to drive on. What's even more interesting is that you would probably be able to instantly retract it whenever nobody is driving on it."

Scientists at Belmont Technical College have already began working on developing the new technology, but have expressed doubts on being able to honor the required deadline.

"I'm not sure 163 years is enough time for a project this big," said assistant professor Dan Blotsky. "But our entire staff and all of our engineering students will be hard at work on this for the rest of our lives."

While many people are excited about the bridge's arrival, some people (especially on the West Virginia side) remain opposed.

"That's the last thing we need," said Wellsburg native Ralph Zalenski. "They're going to put this bridge up and make it that much easier for those darned Ohioans to come get our jobs. I say keep them on their side of the river."

Murray Energy Plans Extermination of Retirees

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Following its acquisition of Consolidation Coal Co. mines last year, Murray Energy announced plans to begin a company-wide purge, executing nearly 1,200 retirees from the mines it purchased last year. Beginning Dec. 31, Murray plans on trapping the retired miners underground and detonating a large canister of mustard gas.

CEO Robert Murray says that the decision to execute the retirees came to him in a dream.

"I was sleeping on my water bed full of molten gold," said Murray. "The dark lord Ha-Satan-Obama appeared to me and convinced me to convert to the worship of R'hllor, the Lord of the Light. Plus, I'm a huge supporter of Mao Zedong and the Chinese Communist Party."

The purge will also let Murray Energy cut back on employee wages by eliminating food allowances.

"Once we kill all of the former CONSOL employees, we will feed their corpses to our own miners," said Murray. "They won't need money to put food on the table anymore, so we can finally cut that out of their salaries."

Murray also warned that if his employees do not convert to his new religion, he will decide their fates for them.

"If they do not give up their false idols, I will bring the fury of the Fire God and burn them at the stake with napalm dropped from my private fighter jets," said Murray. "And I will force their families to feast upon their charred remains."

New Local Cereal Valley-Yum! Reverses Sugar Effects, Calms Children Down

WHEELING - General Mills opened a new cereal plant on Chapline Street in Wheeling last week, creating hundreds of new jobs and producing a delicious new cereal with that home-cooked feel. General manager of the General Mills plant Gen. Douglas Fox, said that the new breakfast treat reverses the "hyper-activity trend" commonly associated with sugary cereal.

"Parents often refrain from buying their kids cereal with artificial flavoring in it because it makes them insufferable little brats," he said. "But Valley-Yum's secret ingredient actually stops kids from acting like wild baboons released from the zoo."

According to studies conducted by Wheeling Jesuit University, Valley-Yum! not only prevents the children becoming hyper-active, it completely stops them from being active at all.

"We took 50 random children and studied their activity levels for two months," said biology professor Leroy Skinner. "Then we measured their activity levels after giving them Valley-Yum! No matter their initial activity levels, they all gave up texting, computer games, Facebook and everything else that normally leads to juvenile delinquency, murder and satan worship."

Skinner noted that the cereal did seem to increase the children's fondness for watching C-SPAN.

"They suddenly enjoyed watching senators discussing foreign policy," he said. "And by golly did they love The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross."

Skinner's team also discovered that the cereal seemed to be an acquired taste.

"Most of the children didn't like it the first time, or the second time for that matter," he said. "But now their parents can barely keep the pantries full! It's all they eat! This will be great for business in our area."

Ohio Valley Will Have Estonia's Weather This Weekend

Good morning, afternoon, evening or night! We don't have to tell you what the weather's like today because you can just figure it out by going outside! Hooray!

Tomorrow, which is Friday if you forgot what comes after today, there's going to be all sorts of blowing stuff outside. Winds are expected to reach speeds close to 200 mph, so if you like NASCAR (who are we kidding, of course you do) you'll know exactly how fast we're talking about! Roger's Flea Market is expected to be in full swing tomorrow, so if you see stuff flying off of tables hurry up and grab it! It's yours!

Saturday is of course National Estonia Day and the Ohio Valley plans to honor the European country by having whatever weather Estonia does. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity for valley people to experience what life is really like in Europe.

As always, Sunday will be absolutely perfect. Ice Cube's 1993 hit song 'It Was a Good Day' will be played on repeat at full volume outside of the courthouse in Steubenville all day.

Monday will have a song of its own; 'Taps' will play once midnight strikes. You're all going to feel really pessimistic as you return to work and Wheeling officials will be handing out free SSRIs.

Thanks for choosing Storm Stalkers for your weekend weather report! From the area's worst team of meteorologists, we'll see ya next time!

Dasani in Water Lines Gives Local Family $3,200 Water Bill

WHEELING - A mistake at the Wheeling Water Department has left one local man with an astronomical water bill. Wheeling officials noticed that their drinking water started to taste a little "funky" earlier this month, and finally realized that they had been drinking the water from the city's water treatment plant that was meant for disposal. Mayor Andy McKenzie said that the city building's drinking water went to an unintended destination.

"We accidentally sent all of our Dasani water some guy's house," he said. "He's been peeing in Dasani, washing dishes with Dasani and taking his showers in Dasani. It's pretty funny."

Anthony Parsons (pictured) is not too pleased.

"I can't pay $3,200 for a water bill" he said. "I'm not a millionaire."

Mayor McKenzie said that the mistake is technically Parsons' fault.

"He's the one who is a citizen of Wheeling," said McKenzie. "And the citizens of Wheeling elect their own officials and pay the salaries of everyone here. He's technically our boss, so it's his problem not ours."

McKenzie also said that Parsons should have known not to desecrate the city's cherished Dasani supply.

"If he wasn't so stupid, he would have realized that the water he was showering in was too crisp to be city water," he said. "But he crapped in it anyway. It's not the water department's fault that he did that."

Tank Driving Ohio County Woman Wins Medal After Setting DUI Record

OHIO COUNTY, W. Va - Police say that the Ohio Valley has a new heroine this morning after 45-year-old Sharon Arnett (right) broke the world record for drunken driving. Arnett apparently had a blood-alcohol content three times higher than Anakin Skywalker's midi-chlorian count. Sheriff Pat Butler told reporters that it's times like this that make him proud of West Virginia.

"I'm just swelling with pride," he said. "I know it's technically illegal but I'm not exactly one for all that legal mumbo-jumbo. She drove her vehicle better than half my deputies drive their cruisers."

Arnett was pulled over in Triadelphia, driving an M1A2 Abrams main battle tank (example left). Inside were numerous bullet proof vests, rocket launchers and assault rifles. Butler said that, according to the 2nd Amendment, Arnett is allowed to drive a tank on the roads and her concealed-carry license is more than enough documentation for her arsenal.

"My main worry is for public safety," he said. "I hope you don't publish the fact that she has a concealed-carry permit. Someone might try to rob her because of that."

Butler, famous for his "public record is private information" logic, says he will award Arnett with the coveted West Virginia Metal of Valor.

"It takes extreme bravery to drive a tank drunk," he said. "She deserves recognition for that. She is a true West Virginian."

New Research Proves Ohio Valley is Literally the World's Largest 'Friendzone'

PITTSBURGH - Call it bad luck, blame it on the economy or whatever you want. But admit it. Every married couple you know is getting a divorce. All of your single friends are downtrodden by Cupid himself, and you don't believe that there are other fish in the Ohio River. Luckily for you and your anti-depressant bill, really, really smart people at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh have figured out why.

"There's nothing to do in that dump!" said Dr. Werner Kettering (right). "Married couples are getting bored and there's nowhere to take people out on dates. So, they naturally remain friends."

The research was done by analyzing the Facebook posts and Twitter tweets of an unspecified amount of teenagers whining in the Steubenville and Wheeling metropolitan areas.

"The sheer size of the boring area is what shocked us," said Kettering. "It is literally the largest 'friendzone' in the world. How can there be so many people that can't find anything to do?"

People around the valley shared that sentiment, and most of those who actually had a signifacant other said that they ventured beyond the area to find them.

"I met my dear lovely wife Annabelle when I moved to Brownsville, Tenn. from Steubenville," said Roger Parkinson. "She's just so much more into my tastes than people from the Ohio Valley."

Brownsville is a small town in western Tennessee with a population roughly half of Steubenville's, and somehow the people there are different psychologically.

Critics of the new discovery point out that the Ohio Valley is literally the exact same as 90 percent of everywhere else.

"What, they think that people outside the Ohio Valley are different?" rhetorically asked Matilda Davis of Carlisle, Iowa. "There's drama everywhere you go, and there's nothing to do anywhere if you're a complete idiot."

Michael Bay Directs Mock Accident at Weir High

WEIRTON - In an effort to reduce the risk of students drinking and driving at this year's prom, Weir High decided to step things up a notch. Susan Smith, superintendent for the Hancock County School District, said that standard mock accidents generally don't get the point across to students.

"This year, we concluded that we really needed to traumatize students," she said. "So we hired Hollywood special effects expert and director Michael Bay to coordinate this year's accident."

The mock scene began with a group of friends leaving a house party after prom night. They got in a car while joking that their 'designated drunk driver' was inebriated. Another student jumped in the car with a keg and inserted the tap into the driver's mouth.

"It's a little variant on the keg stand," Bay said. "You get in the car with the keg and then chug while driving. We used to do it all the time in high school."

The car was travelling at speeds over 90 mph, according to Bay. It sped through the high school's parking lot before running over an old woman in a wheelchair.

"And she had this crazy backstory we told the students too," said Bay. "She's just coming out of her nursing home to see the birth of her great-grandson, only she doesn't make it there."

The collision sent the old woman flying from the school all the way into the Ohio River. The car then lost control and slammed into parked cars where it exploded and shot 20 feet into the air.

"It was so awesome," said student president Greene Brian. "There were body parts flying everywhere out of that thing! The wreckage even landed on the principal's car!"

A Life Flight helicopter then attempted a landing, but it was too close to the car when its gas tank exploded, sending the helicopter spiraling out of control until it collided with the school. The helicopter dangled on the edge of the roof, threatening to fall while the crew waited inside helplessly.

"Then we rushed the students over to this little set we built," Bay said. "And there was this guy in there that screamed: 'We have to get them out of there!'"

Smith said that she thinks the program was a success.

"I hope that the students learned something today," she said. "Hopefully this will make them think twice about drinking and driving."

Greene Brian said that he and his friends enjoyed the mock accident.

"Man that was a heck of a show," said Brian. "I wonder if he'll come back for the sequel. Too bad I'm graduating, Homecoming would be the perfect setup."

UFOs Spotted in Steubenville, Mayor Says People Are "Just Seeing Things"

STEUBENVILLE - The Steubenville Police Department released a statement to reporters that is has been flooded with frantic callers around town claiming to see spaceships in the skies. Stewart Dawes of Follansbee sent the image to the right to several media outlets. He claims that the odd figure in the center of the picture is possibly a UFO. Steubenville mayor Domenick Mucci told reporters that people shouldn't give in to sensationalism.

"That's a load of horse sh*t," said Mucci. "The weather service releases weather balloons on the top of the hill and people are always mistaking them for UFOs. It could just be clouds too. Sometimes the sun just shines through the clouds a little differently. The media likes to jump on it for ratings. If you believe this crap, then you're a f**king retard."

The image sent by Dawes was not the only one making rounds on social media. An anonymous reader sent this picture (left) to OVN, claiming that it shows a green alien waving at people in front of Harding Middle School. Some people around town remain skeptical.

"People will believe absolutely anything," said Mankar Camoran, a Steubenville native and author of The Mysterium Xarxes. "That could be anything from a cat, to a rat or a toad. It could also be pareidolia. We shouldn't jump to conclusions."

Camoran points out that another image (right), taken from a slightly different angle, clearly shows that the figure, while still resembling an alien spaceship, is completely different.

"Now when you look at it, it looks like there are much more lights on it," he said. "It's slightly smaller, it's a different color, there are antennae on the top, a 2013 model Zxxstania Industries communications relay and a Jyrstikanium Warp Drive. The last picture didn't show any of that. It's clearly fake."

Mucci took to Twitter to express his disdain for the UFO rumors.

News 9's Aly Cohen Hospitalized by Steelers LB Lawrence Timmons

PITTSBURGH - A spokesperson for the Sinclair Broadcast Group said that WTOV-9 reporter Aly Cohen has awoken from her coma and is in good spirits. Cohen was rushed to the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center (UPMC) after receiving a devastating tackle from Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Lawrence Timmons.

Cohen was filming a package for her News 9 Sports Challenge series, which airs Thursdays on News 9 Live at 5. She has taken on various challenges from people around the valley, such as cup stacking competitions, mechanical bull riding and bowling. On the last show, she made 30 straight free throws to beat free throw legend Jim Pryor. For this upcoming week, she received her biggest challenge yet.

"Man I watched that free throw thing on TV," Timmons said in an interview. "She could've beaten Lebron James at that. So I had to step it up and represent the NFL before she put us to shame too."

Cohen suited up in football pads and was given five attempts to make it 15 yards past the 234-lb Timmons and score a touchdown. Unfortunately, she only made it through the first attempt.

"I'm not letting some girl beat me," said Timmons. "No way. Coach [Mike Tomlin] always says I gotta give it 100 percent every time. I hit her with everything I've got."

"The hit", as it is being called, was so loud that some people mistook it for a gunshot. Cohen was subsequently airlifted to UPMC where she received treatments for a concussion. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is unsure whether or not Timmons will be fined.

"I sent her some flowers," said Timmons. "And a get-well card. I wrote her a note in it. It says, 'This ain't over, Aly. You've still got four more tries.'"

News 9 Sports Challenge will not air next week, but Cohen's "Wild West Duel to the Death" challenge with Sheriff Fred Abdalla is still scheduled as planned.

West Liberty Nervous About Disney Executives at Championship Game

EVANSVILLE, Ind - The Hilltoppers of West Liberty University are on an incredible run, making it all the way to the Division II National Championship Game in Evansville, Indiana. There they will take on the 20th ranked Central Missouri Mules. Despite the team's composure being at an all-time high, coach Jim Crutchfield said that he's worried about upcoming distractions.

"When we took the team went out for dinner last night, I noticed a pair of gentlemen watching us," Crutchfield said nervously at a media conference. "I'm not going to make any assumptions, but they were wearing Disney uniforms."

Some of West Liberty's players noticed the men as well.

"We've faced an incredible amount of adversity this year," said senior All-American Cedric Harris (above). "Those Disney guys eat that up. I think that's what brought them out here."

"We have a chance to put West Liberty on the map," said Shawn Dyer. "We have to win this game, or else Central Missouri will have a movie made about them instead."

Central Missouri is the underdog in the game, ranked 20th to the Hilltoppers' number 7 ranking. Crutchfield said that the team has to be careful not to be portrayed as the evil team that crushes the dreams of the good guys.

"There's many different ways this game can play out," he said. "We have to make sure that we don't blow them out, that's key. That will set up a plot where in the sequel the Mules get revenge in the next season. I have to make sure that one of our players gets injured and miraculously comes back onto the court to hit the game-winning shot."

He also said that his appearance is a crucial key in the game.

"I'm a player's coach," said Crutchfield. "I have to make sure that these guys know that. So there won't be any yelling at these guys. I'm going to greet the other team cordially and wish them good luck. I've also been practicing putting my arm around their shoulders and giving butt slaps to players going into the game from the bench."

Ohio Valley News reporters noticed a man in the crowd with a notebook that had a list of names written at the top, including 'Richard Gere = Crutchfield'. The man winked at our reporters and pressed his fingers to his lips.

Murray Energy Announces Line of Coal Wedding Rings and Other Products

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Finally conceding that the coal industry will one day give in to more environmentally-friendly methods of producing energy, Murray Energy CEO Robert Murray told reporters that his company will begin selling its coal in a much different manner.

"We're still going to stay in the energy business," said Murray. "We'll get hydroelectric power plants and wind farms going, but we have to secure local jobs first."

Murray said that in order to let local coal miners keep their jobs, his company will produce various coal products for the consumer. The first product he described was a wedding ring, using this one from Worth 1000 (above) as an example. The Murray Energy line of wedding rings will replace the traditional diamond with a piece of coal.

"Coal and diamonds are both allotropes of carbon," said Murray. "So the meaning behind the ring stays the same but it gets a more 'at home' kind of feel."

Sticking with the romantic theme, Murray also revealed a line of Murray Energy cologne.

"If there's one thing women cannot resist in the Ohio Valley, it's a coal miner," he said. "If you're not a coal miner, the girls are going to think you're some kind of pussy. If you can't be a coal miner for some reason, our scientists have come up with a way to trick people into thinking you're one. We're proud to introduce Sueur du Mineur."

The cologne was created from a mixture of coal miner sweat and freshly excavated lignite dust. It even subtly tints your skin to make it look like you just got out of the mine.

The final product that Murray previewed was the company's own brand of grilling fuel.

"I know we've got a lot of grillers here," he said. "I have a vision for next year's Jamboree in the Hills. I want every grill at Valley View to burn anthracite instead of charcoal. Companies like Kingsford would like you to believe that charcoal is real coal. They're lying to you. Charcoal can give you a great tasting dinner, but does it stack up to the real thing? We're going to give you the opportunity to tell us for yourselves."

At the end of the conference, the company handed out gift bags containing samples of the cologne and the grilling coal, provided the recipient signed a non-liability waiver.

No Weather At All This Saturday

It's going to be a wild day for weather today. Temperatures will be at 60 degrees when you wake up but will plummet down to about 22 below zero once the sun comes up. There will most certainly be all three types of precipitation out, so all you rain lovers out there will get your wish.

Friday's weather is contingent upon your location. It's going to be as cold as ice down in Wheeling but blazing hot in the Steubenville area.

There won't be any weather at all on Saturday, as the Earth's atmosphere is scheduled to be down for routine maintenance.

Sunday and Monday's forecasts are the exact same as they always are. On Sunday you can expect to walk around the city without fear of being mugged and people will absolutely break into song with you no matter what tune you sing. Monday is of course Back to Work Day, with scattered bursts of contagious depression and weather that will make you happy when you see Sarah McLachlan come on TV.

From the area's worst team of meteorologists, thanks for choosing OVN for your weekend weather report! Stop back next week!

Carrollton Residents Sick of School Being Delayed in 15 Minute Increments

CARROLLTON - Parents and students in Carrollton say that their school's system of weather delays is confusing and inconvenient. The school district is the only one in Ohio that issues a series 15-minute delays instead of the standard 2-hour delay.

"Sometimes the Snowbird Report on News 9 takes over an hour to go all the way through," said Alice Chambers, 42, whose son Anthony attends the middle school. "So sometimes we don't even know if they decided to delay school for another 15 minutes!"

Also, unlike other schools, Carrollton has no limit as to how long school can be delayed before classes are cancelled altogether, forcing people to sit in front of the TV all day if no decision is reached.

"One time we ended up having a 6-hour, 45-minute delay," said Anthony Chambers. "There's 9 periods of class in each school day, so every class was a minute and a half long. You should have seen how funny lunch was."

During Carrollton's 15-minute school days, lunches are placed on the tables ahead of time for the students and they have to eat the entire meal in the allotted time.

"We grade our students as part of lunch class," said Superintendent Dave Quattrochi. "It's part of our district standard to make sure our students are eating healthy. If they don't finish their meals, they fail lunch."

The district's policies are scheduled to be re-examined at the next school board meeting, 5 years from now on June 14, 2019.

Local Principal Arrested for Inappropriate Relationship With School Building

MARTINS FERRY - The Belmont County Sheriff's Department said they had arrested Jim Fogle, principal of Anna Marie Ayers Elementary School, after discovering that he was sending risque text messages to the school building. Sheriff David Lucas told us that the arrest concludes a month-long investigation.

"We had our suspicions for the longest time," said Lucas. "People had been reporting some strange behavior from Mr. Fogle for quite a while."

One student said that she saw the principal sneak into the custodian's room to grab a mop after hours. Mr. Fogle then proceeded to "passionately scrub the floors while whispering things."

"I couldn't believe what I saw," said 3rd grader Maggie Wallace. "I just ran home crying as fast as I could and told my Mommy."

Other students reported witnessing Fogle making out with the brick walls, caressing the foyer and waxing the building's interior.

"One time when I was teaching class we just saw Mr. Fogle pop up out of nowhere outside the window," said science teacher Douglas Adams. "He started cleaning them and he was using way too much Windex. Like a lot of it. Too much for the kids to be seeing."

When the reports became consistent, Sheriff Lucas decided to monitor Fogle's cell phone.

"You should see the things he was saying to the building," he said. "'Oh yea Annie I can't wait to get to work today so I can spill my coffee all over your carpet' was one of them. Another one read, 'damn baby let me see that jungle gym again.'"

WTRF Apologizes for Hysteria After Falsely Predicting Apocalypse

WHEELING - StormTracker 7's Dr. Dave Walker apologized on-air to the Ohio Valley after mistakenly predicting the extinction of the human race.

"Someone read a forecast calling for a meteor shower," said Walker. "But when we were transcribing the story, they wrote 'Asteroid Storm' instead and we just ran with it. I take the blame for that. I know better."

Indeed, the graphics department even went too far as well, broadcasting the image above showing the Ohio Valley burning and several craters where cities used to be.

The aftermath of the weather report caused many people to riot in the streets. Vandalism tore through the valley and several local businesses reported robberies. As is always the case after a disaster, the Associated Press had to apologize to the black community.

"We've been through this before," said the president of the Associated Press, Gary Pruitt. "Black people should know by now that we're sorry we keep saying that they're the only ones looting from stores. In the future, we plan to include Jews, Muslims, Cubans and Democrats on that list as well."

The mistake caused more than $119 billion in damages across the Ohio Valley, from cessations in production, the aforementioned vandalism and hospital visits from people suffering heart attacks and seizures after Walker's stoic reporting of the end times.

"He just seemed possessed as he said it," said 83-year-old Laverne James, who was sent to East Ohio Regional Hospital after fainting, falling down her stairs, being impaled by a fire poker, crushed by a falling bookshelf and finally beaten by a group of white people whom the Associated Press described as 'searching' the house. "His pitch dropped and he stared into the camera without even blinking."

"The Earth is on a collision course with the Asteroid Belt," said Walker during the forecast. "There is nothing you can do to save yourself. The world is going to burn and we are all going to die. I repeat, we are all going to die."

Miami Heat: Dwayne Wade Just Jealous That Celina Pompeani Sells More Fatheads

MIAMI - Heat General Manager Pat Riley told reporters that Dwayne Wade's Achilles tendon is 'just fine', contrary to reports. The Miami guard has instead missed the past two games due embarassment after WTOV-9 reporter Celina Pompeani soared by him in Fathead sales.

"It's okay though," said Riley. "We got the whole team together and went to his house to let him know that we're here for him. He'll be ready to play Wednesday against the Pacers."

Wade found out that the Steubenville-area journalist had overtaken him on the Fathead charts during the third quarter against the Celtics. When fans started jeering at him, Wade ran to the bench crying (seen below).

Fathead, the makers of popular wall decals, recently released a line of Ohio Valley inspired wall stickers. Pompeani's picture become an instant success, selling nearly twelve Brazilian copies in its first week. Two other designs have had success as well, one being Steubenville Mayor Domenick Mucci decapitating a zombie with his signature katana 'Vince Offer', and the other being a giant bowl of rigatoni (below).



Riley said that during the team's visit to Wade's home, they even brought him a special surprise.

"We pulled a couple of strings, made some calls and got Dwayne his very own autographed Celina Pompeani sticker," he said. "He was thrilled. He even tore down his Kim Il-Sung Fathead to make room for it."

The special edition decal that Wade received even live streams WTOV-9 whenever Pompeani is on-air.

Misunderstood 'Superload' Just Wants to be Left Alone

MARSHALL COUNTY, W.Va - A 120 foot long, 510 thousand pound de-ethanizer tower (right) says that she's tired of paparazzi following her around everywhere she goes.

"I can't leave my house without people gathering alongside the road to watch me go by," said the tower. "Why do they want to watch everything I do?"

The longtime employee of Williams Energy said that ever since she began her 3-day journey to work, reporters from WTOV-9 and News 7 have been following her every move.

"It's like they don't care about my feelings," she said. "I know I close roads wherever I go because I'm so fat, but let's just let the whole Ohio Valley know about it why don't we?"

News 7 even ran a story (left) about how to move a superload on your own if she gets in your way.

The tower said that she has learned her lesson and will try out different means of transportation in the future.

"I'm sick of all the name calling," the de-ethanizer tower said. "And I'm sick of people hatin' on me for just doing my thing. The de-propanizer tower at the processing plant showed me a different way to get to get to work."

The tower added that she will be selling her trailer and will begin using public transit instead.

"I think that if I get on the bus, I can blend in with the other people and nobody will notice me," she said.

EGCC Receives Grant for Particle Collider

STEUBENVILLE - To the dismay of environmentalist liberals and insane conspiracy theorist conservatives, Eastern Gateway Community College (EGCC) accepted a federal grant on Monday to build the world's largest particle accelerator. The college won a raffle sponsored by the US Department of Education, where it beat out other candidates such as Carnegie Mellon University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT). EGCC President Dr. Laura Meeks said that the new collider will provide science majors with a unique opportunity.

"We have some of the brightest students in the entire world here at EGCC," said Meeks. "I hope we can contribute to the world of science and humanity as a whole."

Jordan Weber, a senior seeking an Associate's Degree in science, said that he can't wait to begin researching.

"I hope I can cure cancer with it," he said.

The collider, to be named the 'Extremely Huge Hadron Collider', will have a circumference of 37 miles and will be capable of producing 36 teraelectronvolts of collision energy.

Many local residents protested the decision, saying that hadron colliders will create black holes. Meeks said that the Ohio Valley is "pretty much a black hole already."

When asked who the school will contract to actually construct the megaproject, Meeks said that she will likely hire workers whom she has dealt with in the past.

"When we had our barn built in our backyard, my husband and I hired an Amish crew from Sugarcreek to build it," she said. "They did a wonderful job and built it so fast. So I think we'll hire the Amish again to build our particle accelerator."

Department of Homeland Security Warns Riesbeck's to not Run Out of Paczki, Or Else

WINTERSVILLE - Citing reasons such as public safety and national interests, US Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson sent a memo warning Riesbeck's Food Market in Wintersville (right) to not run out of paczki.

"I'm super serious guys," read the memo. "There will totally be like riots in the street and stuff if you run out."

Despite the federal government's concerns, Riesbeck's manager Bronislaw Komorowski says that his store is in no danger of running out of the delicious treat.

"We've been at this for a very long time," said Komorowski."We have enough dough and jelly to make six hundred trillion paczki. We'll probably only go through three quarters of it."

Komorowski, a lifelong resident of Steubenville, says that he understands the importance of the paczki to the Ohio Valley.

"I was here for the Great Paczki Famine of 1977," he said. "I don't think I could ever un-see the travesties I saw during that time."

Komorowski's family also has the distinction of generating public support for some of America's greatest wars.

"When the Germans invaded Poland in 1939, all paczki imports were cut off," he said. "My father gathered up several local volunteers to join up with the RAF (British Royal Air Force) and get our paczki back. My ancestors also gathered up supporters for the American Revolution after the Wheeling Paczki Party."

For those who don't read up on history, the Wheeling Paczki Party was the British response to the Boston Tea Party. The redcoats confiscated the entire paczki supply of Fort Henry and dumped it into the Ohio River in 1774. For that reason, Virginia residents sought independence from Great Britain.

Despite Komorowski's assurances, Secretary Johnson remains skeptical.

"He better not think I'm playing," said Johnson in an interview. "Because I'm not one for fooling around. It's on, it's so on. He's in for a spanking."

GOP Dads Will Hold Seminar to Explain Constitution and Obama Impeachment

WINTERSVILLE - Local Super PAC Ohio Fathers Without Government. Kill The Act! (OFWGKTA) will hold a seminar to explain why President Barack Obama should be impeached. The event will take place Friday at St. Florian Hall at 7 p.m. Event organizer Ralph Brown says that the presentation will bring forth a plethora of reasons why the president should be removed from office.

"With each day that passes, our rights as gun owners are slowly being stolen from us," said Brown. "My 21-year-old grandson was asked to show his driver's license when he bought a handgun from Cabela's last week. I will not stand for this sort of injustice."

Although gun regulations are handled individually by state legislatures, Brown, a local janitor for over 30 years, insists that the president is behind Ohio's still unchanged and unrestrictive gun laws.

"This president, this black president does not understand the constitution," Brown added.

Obama, who holds a Juris Doctor in constitutional law from Harvard University and a Bachelor's degree from Columbia University in political science, taught constitutional law at the University of Chicago Law School for 12 years.

Brown will give a two hour long speech on the constitution, which will mostly cover the one-sentence-long Second Amendment. The seminar will also provide information on why the Affordable Care Act, otherwise known as Obamacare is unconstitutional.

"If I shoot a black teenager in Steubenville when he's playing his trash music, I don't want him to have access to health care," said OFWGKTA member Ed Smith. "How's he supposed to learn his lesson?"

Brown says that Obamacare, which was ruled constitutional by the Supreme Court in National Federation of Independent Business v. Sebelius, needs to be brought before the Supreme Court.

"There's no way that the John Roberts Supreme Court would allow this atrocity to continue," he said. "Roberts was appointed by Bush."

Brown showed us a student ID card (right) that he says proves that the president is in fact a foreigner named Barry Soetoro. He was thrilled when we told him what the ID card really meant. Given that Obama graduated in 1983 and Columbia University introduced digital ID cards in 1996, it means that Obama is literally a time traveler and thus not eligible to be president.

Weirton Little League Team Selling Malaysian Airplane For Tag Day

WEIRTON - Temperatures are on the rise, and that means that Little League season is just around the corner. However, times have been tough in the Ohio Valley, and funding a youth baseball team is not easy. Chris Gillette, manager of the Weirton Marlins, has come up with a plan that will raise more than enough money to make it through the season.

"I recently came into possession of a Malaysia Airlines Boeing 777," said Gillette. "It's sitting out in the lot by Main St. We're selling it for $165 million."

Declining to say how exactly an average Weirton man got his hands on a wide-body jet airliner, Gillette instead discussed how he would use $165 million to fund a Little League baseball team.

"We're going to train in the mountains of Nepal this year," he said. "I think the high-altitude training will give us the edge this season."

Among other things, Gillette also said that he plans to hire a professional team masseuse, limousines and luxury hotels for away games.

"There are games as far away as Bergholz (Ohio) this year," he said. "Home-field advantage is a huge factor in Little League and I want my team loose."

Gillette said that if for some reason the airplane does not sell, he will find a use for it.

"We could always just use it to fly to the away games," he said. "Getting it here from Kuala Lumpur was simple enough."

After some helicopters began to circle overhead, Gillette looked around nervously before running into the forest. He was not available to comment further.

Jefferson County Prepares For Dark Lord Elections

STEUBENVILLE - Following its decision to immediately disband the county government system defined by the Ohio Constitution, Jefferson County will begin approving candidates for the new Council of Malevolence. Damien III, Prince of Darkness (right, with loyal minions) will fill in as acting Dark Lord of Jefferson County until elections are completed.

Damien became known locally for his impressive persuasion skills, convincing people that voting against school levies would somehow improve education.

"I was thinking about voting for new taxes that would help out Buckeye Local a few years ago," said Adena resident Gary Withers. "But Damien spoke at the school board meeting and he changed my mind. Learning stuff is a bad idea. He's a really good speaker."

The Council of Malevolence will move to abolish taxes, relying instead on the souls of Jefferson County citizens.

"We'll let the rich people keep their money," said Damien. "As the poorer folk in the county starve to death, I will feed upon their suffering."

Damien will run virtually unopposed for Dark Lord, with 97 percent of people surveyed saying that they will vote for him. He will most likely conduct day-to-day operations from the Office of the Chief Despot in the Ohio Valley Sepulcher on Sunset Boulevard (former headquarters of the Jefferson County Republican Party).

An early candidate for the County Nefarious Lord of Secrets is former intelligence director for the underworld Belphegor. The Nefarious Lord of Secrets will listen in on conversations across the county and spread sensitive personal details across the valley, a position long desired by locals.


Greek vampire Vrykolakas is a heavy favorite for Lord of Medicine. Hindu demon Mayasura announced that he will run for the position of Master of Architecture. The last position on the council, Chief Executor, is an appointed position. Notwithstanding claims of nepotism, it is expected that Damien will name former Steubenville Prosecutor Jane Hanlin (right) to the post.

Steubenville Man Leads Police on 690 Mile Long Foot Chase

STEUBENVILLE – Police say that 20-year-old Donnell Turner led them on a 7 week, 690 mile long chase across four states on foot. Turner reportedly fled after a police officer attempted to pull him over. Officer Shideki Matsumo said that when he approached the vehicle, Turner got out and fled.

"He jumped right out of the window and took off up Route 7," said Matsumo. "I called for backup and soon we had about ten or so of us chasing him."

By the time the convoy reached the town of Montpelier, locals began gathering on the sidewalks to cheer the runners on and hand out cups of water.

"It was so inspirational," said Officer Nguyen Tan Sang. "I was just about to give up but all those kind people just kept pushing me, chanting things like 'Get that piece of sh*t! F*ck him up!' It really helped me push past my comfort zone."

After two weeks, Turner stopped at a diner in South Bend, Ind. and bought the police officer breakfast.

"I gotta give them guys a lot of respect man," said Turner. "They just won't give up. I admire that."

The policemen said that they were glad the chase remained fair.

"We usually stayed in the same hotel," said Officer Li Shen Wong. "We'd note how far ahead he checked in ahead of us and give him that much of a head start in the morning. Some nights we all just agreed at a stopping time and slept by the road.

In the end, however, Turner finally ran out of breath in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

"I just couldn't take it any more man," he said.

Officer Matsumo had the honors of walking up to Turner and Tasering him unconscious while the other policemen ordered him not to resist.

Student Swears in Class, Receives Lethal Injection

RAYLAND—12-year-old Michael Kowalski was reportedly executed by guidance counselors at Buckeye Local High School on Monday morning. School officials say that the 7th grader called his teacher an inappropriate name during class.

"We simply don't condone that sort of behavior in our school district," said Principal Coy Sudvary. "His language was contagious and could have spread throughout the school, so we had to take steps to make sure that it never happens again."

Kowalski was injected with 5 grams of sodium thiopental, a drug that inhibits a person's ability to breathe. Parents in the district praised the decision to execute him humanely.

"Spanking children is just so cruel," said Janet DiNapoli. "I'm glad to see that our schools are finding solutions for dealing with troublesome kids."

Some teachers were worried that Kowalski may be subject to bullying after the incident.

"Little Mikey was crying very loudly in the hallway as we drug him to the execution room," said science teacher Lisa Douglas. "Some of his friends might make fun of him for that. Others might think he was faking being dead."

Kowalski's friends stared at the ground in disbelief, obviously shell-shocked, when we tried to interview them.

Once again, as always, elder citizens of the valley said that they do not like the direction that society is taking.

"In my day we treated our teachers with respect," said Yorkville resident Everett Reed. "We dressed like gentlemen and called our teachers 'Ma'am' and 'Sir'."

Reed, 79, is a Korean War veteran and retired mechanic. He says that he tries to teach his grandchildren to behave as he did in the 1950s.

"That was me in '41 at age 16," said Reed, showing us a picture (right) of a greasy rebel smoking a cigarette.

Snoop Dogg Encourages Franciscan Students to Break Out of Their Shells

STEUBENVILLE - Proper rest and relaxation is the key to getting ahead in life, hip-hop artist Snoop Dogg told students at the Franciscan University of Steubenville. He addressed a crowd of 500 students on Monday at the Finnegan Fieldhouse about the importance of social skills and dealing with the calamities of everyday life.

"Sometimes you gotta be careful not to overload yourself you know?" said Dogg. "Sometimes you just gotta let loose, man."

At the beginning of the speech, Mr. Dogg caused many in attendance to gasp as he lit a joint at the podium. The commotion eventually settled down as the smoke saturated the atmosphere.

"See dude, that's exactly what I'm talking about," he said as school officials exchanged shocked looks. "Ya'll are losing your minds over some stupid [stuff]."

Dogg said that students were given a rare opportunity that is not offered to everyone.

"You guys got to realize that college is the only time in your life where you get to experiment," he said. "You're supposed to be learning, so try new things. Sometimes you can learn new things by looking at stuff from a different perspective."

Dogg explained that by taking LSD, students could open their brains to different methods of critical thinking. He also explained that smoking cannabis would help the students overcome their social shortcomings.

"Look man, you'll start talking a lot more when you get a doobie going around the room," he said. "You'll all laugh together and just get along better. It's the perfect ombudsman, get it?"

The now-stoned crowd thought the pun was hilarious.

Sheriff Abdalla Advances Again in American Idol

HOLLYWOOD - Sheriff Fred Abdalla turned in yet

another stunning performance in this season of American Idol. This time, the Jefferson County Sheriff sung his rendition of Celine Dion's 1997 hit single 'My Heart Will Go On' from the Titanic soundtrack. The performance nearly left the judges speechless.

"You totally killed it!" said Jennifer Lopez. "The pure, raw emotion that you put behind that performance was almost indescribable."

Abdalla dedicated the song to the hacker collective 'Anonymous', the hacker collective that helped expose details of the Steubenville rape case.

"Anonymous," he said in a soft tone while slowly raising his head from the ground. "I know you're watching. I know where you are and this song is for you."

Abdalla even personalized the song by adding his own lyrics.

"Near, far, wherever you are," he sang, melting the hearts of every woman in the audience. "Believe that my search goes on and on."

If you missed Abdalla's performance, you can watch it as well as extra behind the scenes footage when his show, Super Fred, airs on Friday. The episode will feature the much talked about, but deleted, scene where Abdalla shot and killed a heckler in the audience.

Bieber Wins Powerball, Escapes Valley

WHEELING/MINGO JUNCTION TOO - Just one week into Justin Bieber's sentence to Mingo Junction, reports say that Bieber has won the Powerball and escaped the Ohio Valley. The winning ticket was sold at the Marathon gas station on Wheeling Island.

"I think he threw the ticket away at first," said Jayla Freeman, a Belieber who lives across the street from where the singer was placed. "But then Channel 7 posted on their Facebook page that a winning Powerball ticket was purchased in Wheeling! I was so excited so I went and told him!"

Bieber apparently claimed his winnings and fled the valley without a word, only leaving a Post-It note on his door that read: "Siyanora bitches!"

"We're not going to point fingers," said President Obama in a press conference. "We all have to accept the blame for this. We all watch News 7, it's not our fault they aired it. Again, we're not going to point fingers at them. News 7 that is."

ArcelorMittal, Bieber's employer while he stayed in the valley, said that the singer is welcome back to the steel mill whenever he pleases.

"We melted all of his necklaces and chains!" said ArcelorMittal operations manager Larry Fox. "Profits are at an all-time high!"

Nominees Announced For First Annual Pull-It Surprise

WINTERSVILLE - The nominees for the 2014 Pull-It Surprise were announced at a banquet at St. Florian Hall last night. This will be the first year that the prize is given out, and the winners shall be determined by a senior panel of Ohio Valley News staff writers. The person featured on the token will change each year, and the honor is given to someone of prominence who has made a fool of himself/herself in the past year. This year's prize features the face of New Jersey governor Chris Christie, and we bestow the honor upon him to encourage local politicians to behave in the same manner as Gov. Christie.

The leading candidate for Best Ohio Valley Fan-Fiction is George R.R. Martin's novel, Domenick Mucci: Zombie Predator. The critically acclaimed novel features the Steubenville mayor as the leader of a group of survivors in a post-apocalyptic Ohio Valley (probably next year). Other nominees include Angelica Stewart's novel 9 vs 7, a book about the competing news stations facing off in a karate tournament; Stranded, a novel by Lewis Blackburn that tells the story of a man lost on the Ohio River; Sarah Does Steubenville, a short film by Lester Biggs that is about Sarah Palin attempting to raise money to run for office in the titular town; and finally, The Adventures of Moondog, a comic book by Damon Osbourne.

Nearly every news organization in the Ohio Valley received a nomination for Craziest News Story. WTRF's Dr. Dave Walker is expected to take the award for predicting last December to average 78 degrees and clear skies. The Herald Star's Dave Gossett is also a leading contender for his story about local children who spontaneously lost all of their teeth from ages 6-12.

Best New Local Program will be awarded to one of the two television shows that aired in the valley this year. Have You Heard About Linda? is a game show that airs on WTOV-9 that tests contestants' knowledge of local hearsay. It will compete against WTRF's show Drop the Beat, a vocal talent competition show that features the valley's aspiring rap stars.

Perhaps the most anticipated award this year is Most Entertaining Medium Relating to the Steubenville Rape Case. Nominees for this award include Trent Mays: Where Am I Now?, a five-second documentary that shows the teenager sitting in a jail cell; A Town Divided, the Lifetime Original Movie released the day after the trial concluded; CNN's The Situation Room for Wolf Blitzer's detailed drawings of the crime; and Yo Gabba Gabba for its episode "That's a No-no!", which helped young children understand the trial.

Eagle 107.5 Gets LeAnn Rimes Album Stuck on Repeat

WHEELING - A frantic Nick Nash told Ohio Valley News that he could not get the radio station to stop playing LeAnn Rimes' 2006 album Whatever We Wanna. He said that a computer malfunction froze the station's media player.

"I swear to all of our listeners that we are trying to get this fixed," said Nash. "Trust me, it's playing at full volume in our studio and nobody knows what to do about it."

The catastrophe occurred just after 3 p.m. during Nash's daily segment. He originally played the song And It Feels Like as a prank.

"We had someone call in and request some Metallica," he said. "I thought we'd get a good laugh if we surprised him LeAnn Rimes before switching over to Master of Puppets, but obviously nobody's laughing anymore."

Much to Nash's dismay, the song played through in its entirety, followed by the rest of the album. Thousands of blue-collar workers across the Ohio Valley were forced to turn their radios off and work in silence.

"You know, it wouldn't be so bad if were a different LeAnn Rimes album," said Billy Ray Jones, a truck driver for Carenbauer Distributing. "Blue was pretty good but she's just totally passé anymore."

Nash said that he's been working overtime to help the IT crews get the problem solved.

"I tried unplugging it and plugging it back in," he said. "But the backup generators just kick in and keep it going. Then we tried unhooking the generators, but that didn't work either."

Steven Fairchild, a WEGW employee, was sent to the hospital after nearly being electrocuted when he tried to disconnect the generators. Nash added that he thinks the radio station may even be haunted.

"After Steve got shocked, all the lights dimmed and the thermostat went way up," he said. "Then LeAnn got louder and louder."

Wheeling mayor Andy McKenzie said that if the situation is not resolved soon, drastic measures may be taken.

"If they don't get it fixed, we're taking matters into our own hands," said McKenzie. "We're going to have to blow the place up."