News 9's Aly Cohen Hospitalized by Steelers LB Lawrence Timmons

PITTSBURGH - A spokesperson for the Sinclair Broadcast Group said that WTOV-9 reporter Aly Cohen has awoken from her coma and is in good spirits. Cohen was rushed to the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center (UPMC) after receiving a devastating tackle from Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Lawrence Timmons.

Cohen was filming a package for her News 9 Sports Challenge series, which airs Thursdays on News 9 Live at 5. She has taken on various challenges from people around the valley, such as cup stacking competitions, mechanical bull riding and bowling. On the last show, she made 30 straight free throws to beat free throw legend Jim Pryor. For this upcoming week, she received her biggest challenge yet.

"Man I watched that free throw thing on TV," Timmons said in an interview. "She could've beaten Lebron James at that. So I had to step it up and represent the NFL before she put us to shame too."

Cohen suited up in football pads and was given five attempts to make it 15 yards past the 234-lb Timmons and score a touchdown. Unfortunately, she only made it through the first attempt.

"I'm not letting some girl beat me," said Timmons. "No way. Coach [Mike Tomlin] always says I gotta give it 100 percent every time. I hit her with everything I've got."

"The hit", as it is being called, was so loud that some people mistook it for a gunshot. Cohen was subsequently airlifted to UPMC where she received treatments for a concussion. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is unsure whether or not Timmons will be fined.

"I sent her some flowers," said Timmons. "And a get-well card. I wrote her a note in it. It says, 'This ain't over, Aly. You've still got four more tries.'"

News 9 Sports Challenge will not air next week, but Cohen's "Wild West Duel to the Death" challenge with Sheriff Fred Abdalla is still scheduled as planned.

West Liberty Nervous About Disney Executives at Championship Game

EVANSVILLE, Ind - The Hilltoppers of West Liberty University are on an incredible run, making it all the way to the Division II National Championship Game in Evansville, Indiana. There they will take on the 20th ranked Central Missouri Mules. Despite the team's composure being at an all-time high, coach Jim Crutchfield said that he's worried about upcoming distractions.

"When we took the team went out for dinner last night, I noticed a pair of gentlemen watching us," Crutchfield said nervously at a media conference. "I'm not going to make any assumptions, but they were wearing Disney uniforms."

Some of West Liberty's players noticed the men as well.

"We've faced an incredible amount of adversity this year," said senior All-American Cedric Harris (above). "Those Disney guys eat that up. I think that's what brought them out here."

"We have a chance to put West Liberty on the map," said Shawn Dyer. "We have to win this game, or else Central Missouri will have a movie made about them instead."

Central Missouri is the underdog in the game, ranked 20th to the Hilltoppers' number 7 ranking. Crutchfield said that the team has to be careful not to be portrayed as the evil team that crushes the dreams of the good guys.

"There's many different ways this game can play out," he said. "We have to make sure that we don't blow them out, that's key. That will set up a plot where in the sequel the Mules get revenge in the next season. I have to make sure that one of our players gets injured and miraculously comes back onto the court to hit the game-winning shot."

He also said that his appearance is a crucial key in the game.

"I'm a player's coach," said Crutchfield. "I have to make sure that these guys know that. So there won't be any yelling at these guys. I'm going to greet the other team cordially and wish them good luck. I've also been practicing putting my arm around their shoulders and giving butt slaps to players going into the game from the bench."

Ohio Valley News reporters noticed a man in the crowd with a notebook that had a list of names written at the top, including 'Richard Gere = Crutchfield'. The man winked at our reporters and pressed his fingers to his lips.

Murray Energy Announces Line of Coal Wedding Rings and Other Products

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Finally conceding that the coal industry will one day give in to more environmentally-friendly methods of producing energy, Murray Energy CEO Robert Murray told reporters that his company will begin selling its coal in a much different manner.

"We're still going to stay in the energy business," said Murray. "We'll get hydroelectric power plants and wind farms going, but we have to secure local jobs first."

Murray said that in order to let local coal miners keep their jobs, his company will produce various coal products for the consumer. The first product he described was a wedding ring, using this one from Worth 1000 (above) as an example. The Murray Energy line of wedding rings will replace the traditional diamond with a piece of coal.

"Coal and diamonds are both allotropes of carbon," said Murray. "So the meaning behind the ring stays the same but it gets a more 'at home' kind of feel."

Sticking with the romantic theme, Murray also revealed a line of Murray Energy cologne.

"If there's one thing women cannot resist in the Ohio Valley, it's a coal miner," he said. "If you're not a coal miner, the girls are going to think you're some kind of pussy. If you can't be a coal miner for some reason, our scientists have come up with a way to trick people into thinking you're one. We're proud to introduce Sueur du Mineur."

The cologne was created from a mixture of coal miner sweat and freshly excavated lignite dust. It even subtly tints your skin to make it look like you just got out of the mine.

The final product that Murray previewed was the company's own brand of grilling fuel.

"I know we've got a lot of grillers here," he said. "I have a vision for next year's Jamboree in the Hills. I want every grill at Valley View to burn anthracite instead of charcoal. Companies like Kingsford would like you to believe that charcoal is real coal. They're lying to you. Charcoal can give you a great tasting dinner, but does it stack up to the real thing? We're going to give you the opportunity to tell us for yourselves."

At the end of the conference, the company handed out gift bags containing samples of the cologne and the grilling coal, provided the recipient signed a non-liability waiver.

No Weather At All This Saturday

It's going to be a wild day for weather today. Temperatures will be at 60 degrees when you wake up but will plummet down to about 22 below zero once the sun comes up. There will most certainly be all three types of precipitation out, so all you rain lovers out there will get your wish.

Friday's weather is contingent upon your location. It's going to be as cold as ice down in Wheeling but blazing hot in the Steubenville area.

There won't be any weather at all on Saturday, as the Earth's atmosphere is scheduled to be down for routine maintenance.

Sunday and Monday's forecasts are the exact same as they always are. On Sunday you can expect to walk around the city without fear of being mugged and people will absolutely break into song with you no matter what tune you sing. Monday is of course Back to Work Day, with scattered bursts of contagious depression and weather that will make you happy when you see Sarah McLachlan come on TV.

From the area's worst team of meteorologists, thanks for choosing OVN for your weekend weather report! Stop back next week!

Carrollton Residents Sick of School Being Delayed in 15 Minute Increments

CARROLLTON - Parents and students in Carrollton say that their school's system of weather delays is confusing and inconvenient. The school district is the only one in Ohio that issues a series 15-minute delays instead of the standard 2-hour delay.

"Sometimes the Snowbird Report on News 9 takes over an hour to go all the way through," said Alice Chambers, 42, whose son Anthony attends the middle school. "So sometimes we don't even know if they decided to delay school for another 15 minutes!"

Also, unlike other schools, Carrollton has no limit as to how long school can be delayed before classes are cancelled altogether, forcing people to sit in front of the TV all day if no decision is reached.

"One time we ended up having a 6-hour, 45-minute delay," said Anthony Chambers. "There's 9 periods of class in each school day, so every class was a minute and a half long. You should have seen how funny lunch was."

During Carrollton's 15-minute school days, lunches are placed on the tables ahead of time for the students and they have to eat the entire meal in the allotted time.

"We grade our students as part of lunch class," said Superintendent Dave Quattrochi. "It's part of our district standard to make sure our students are eating healthy. If they don't finish their meals, they fail lunch."

The district's policies are scheduled to be re-examined at the next school board meeting, 5 years from now on June 14, 2019.

Local Principal Arrested for Inappropriate Relationship With School Building

MARTINS FERRY - The Belmont County Sheriff's Department said they had arrested Jim Fogle, principal of Anna Marie Ayers Elementary School, after discovering that he was sending risque text messages to the school building. Sheriff David Lucas told us that the arrest concludes a month-long investigation.

"We had our suspicions for the longest time," said Lucas. "People had been reporting some strange behavior from Mr. Fogle for quite a while."

One student said that she saw the principal sneak into the custodian's room to grab a mop after hours. Mr. Fogle then proceeded to "passionately scrub the floors while whispering things."

"I couldn't believe what I saw," said 3rd grader Maggie Wallace. "I just ran home crying as fast as I could and told my Mommy."

Other students reported witnessing Fogle making out with the brick walls, caressing the foyer and waxing the building's interior.

"One time when I was teaching class we just saw Mr. Fogle pop up out of nowhere outside the window," said science teacher Douglas Adams. "He started cleaning them and he was using way too much Windex. Like a lot of it. Too much for the kids to be seeing."

When the reports became consistent, Sheriff Lucas decided to monitor Fogle's cell phone.

"You should see the things he was saying to the building," he said. "'Oh yea Annie I can't wait to get to work today so I can spill my coffee all over your carpet' was one of them. Another one read, 'damn baby let me see that jungle gym again.'"

WTRF Apologizes for Hysteria After Falsely Predicting Apocalypse

WHEELING - StormTracker 7's Dr. Dave Walker apologized on-air to the Ohio Valley after mistakenly predicting the extinction of the human race.

"Someone read a forecast calling for a meteor shower," said Walker. "But when we were transcribing the story, they wrote 'Asteroid Storm' instead and we just ran with it. I take the blame for that. I know better."

Indeed, the graphics department even went too far as well, broadcasting the image above showing the Ohio Valley burning and several craters where cities used to be.

The aftermath of the weather report caused many people to riot in the streets. Vandalism tore through the valley and several local businesses reported robberies. As is always the case after a disaster, the Associated Press had to apologize to the black community.

"We've been through this before," said the president of the Associated Press, Gary Pruitt. "Black people should know by now that we're sorry we keep saying that they're the only ones looting from stores. In the future, we plan to include Jews, Muslims, Cubans and Democrats on that list as well."

The mistake caused more than $119 billion in damages across the Ohio Valley, from cessations in production, the aforementioned vandalism and hospital visits from people suffering heart attacks and seizures after Walker's stoic reporting of the end times.

"He just seemed possessed as he said it," said 83-year-old Laverne James, who was sent to East Ohio Regional Hospital after fainting, falling down her stairs, being impaled by a fire poker, crushed by a falling bookshelf and finally beaten by a group of white people whom the Associated Press described as 'searching' the house. "His pitch dropped and he stared into the camera without even blinking."

"The Earth is on a collision course with the Asteroid Belt," said Walker during the forecast. "There is nothing you can do to save yourself. The world is going to burn and we are all going to die. I repeat, we are all going to die."

Miami Heat: Dwayne Wade Just Jealous That Celina Pompeani Sells More Fatheads

MIAMI - Heat General Manager Pat Riley told reporters that Dwayne Wade's Achilles tendon is 'just fine', contrary to reports. The Miami guard has instead missed the past two games due embarassment after WTOV-9 reporter Celina Pompeani soared by him in Fathead sales.

"It's okay though," said Riley. "We got the whole team together and went to his house to let him know that we're here for him. He'll be ready to play Wednesday against the Pacers."

Wade found out that the Steubenville-area journalist had overtaken him on the Fathead charts during the third quarter against the Celtics. When fans started jeering at him, Wade ran to the bench crying (seen below).

Fathead, the makers of popular wall decals, recently released a line of Ohio Valley inspired wall stickers. Pompeani's picture become an instant success, selling nearly twelve Brazilian copies in its first week. Two other designs have had success as well, one being Steubenville Mayor Domenick Mucci decapitating a zombie with his signature katana 'Vince Offer', and the other being a giant bowl of rigatoni (below).



Riley said that during the team's visit to Wade's home, they even brought him a special surprise.

"We pulled a couple of strings, made some calls and got Dwayne his very own autographed Celina Pompeani sticker," he said. "He was thrilled. He even tore down his Kim Il-Sung Fathead to make room for it."

The special edition decal that Wade received even live streams WTOV-9 whenever Pompeani is on-air.

Misunderstood 'Superload' Just Wants to be Left Alone

MARSHALL COUNTY, W.Va - A 120 foot long, 510 thousand pound de-ethanizer tower (right) says that she's tired of paparazzi following her around everywhere she goes.

"I can't leave my house without people gathering alongside the road to watch me go by," said the tower. "Why do they want to watch everything I do?"

The longtime employee of Williams Energy said that ever since she began her 3-day journey to work, reporters from WTOV-9 and News 7 have been following her every move.

"It's like they don't care about my feelings," she said. "I know I close roads wherever I go because I'm so fat, but let's just let the whole Ohio Valley know about it why don't we?"

News 7 even ran a story (left) about how to move a superload on your own if she gets in your way.

The tower said that she has learned her lesson and will try out different means of transportation in the future.

"I'm sick of all the name calling," the de-ethanizer tower said. "And I'm sick of people hatin' on me for just doing my thing. The de-propanizer tower at the processing plant showed me a different way to get to get to work."

The tower added that she will be selling her trailer and will begin using public transit instead.

"I think that if I get on the bus, I can blend in with the other people and nobody will notice me," she said.

EGCC Receives Grant for Particle Collider

STEUBENVILLE - To the dismay of environmentalist liberals and insane conspiracy theorist conservatives, Eastern Gateway Community College (EGCC) accepted a federal grant on Monday to build the world's largest particle accelerator. The college won a raffle sponsored by the US Department of Education, where it beat out other candidates such as Carnegie Mellon University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT). EGCC President Dr. Laura Meeks said that the new collider will provide science majors with a unique opportunity.

"We have some of the brightest students in the entire world here at EGCC," said Meeks. "I hope we can contribute to the world of science and humanity as a whole."

Jordan Weber, a senior seeking an Associate's Degree in science, said that he can't wait to begin researching.

"I hope I can cure cancer with it," he said.

The collider, to be named the 'Extremely Huge Hadron Collider', will have a circumference of 37 miles and will be capable of producing 36 teraelectronvolts of collision energy.

Many local residents protested the decision, saying that hadron colliders will create black holes. Meeks said that the Ohio Valley is "pretty much a black hole already."

When asked who the school will contract to actually construct the megaproject, Meeks said that she will likely hire workers whom she has dealt with in the past.

"When we had our barn built in our backyard, my husband and I hired an Amish crew from Sugarcreek to build it," she said. "They did a wonderful job and built it so fast. So I think we'll hire the Amish again to build our particle accelerator."

Department of Homeland Security Warns Riesbeck's to not Run Out of Paczki, Or Else

WINTERSVILLE - Citing reasons such as public safety and national interests, US Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson sent a memo warning Riesbeck's Food Market in Wintersville (right) to not run out of paczki.

"I'm super serious guys," read the memo. "There will totally be like riots in the street and stuff if you run out."

Despite the federal government's concerns, Riesbeck's manager Bronislaw Komorowski says that his store is in no danger of running out of the delicious treat.

"We've been at this for a very long time," said Komorowski."We have enough dough and jelly to make six hundred trillion paczki. We'll probably only go through three quarters of it."

Komorowski, a lifelong resident of Steubenville, says that he understands the importance of the paczki to the Ohio Valley.

"I was here for the Great Paczki Famine of 1977," he said. "I don't think I could ever un-see the travesties I saw during that time."

Komorowski's family also has the distinction of generating public support for some of America's greatest wars.

"When the Germans invaded Poland in 1939, all paczki imports were cut off," he said. "My father gathered up several local volunteers to join up with the RAF (British Royal Air Force) and get our paczki back. My ancestors also gathered up supporters for the American Revolution after the Wheeling Paczki Party."

For those who don't read up on history, the Wheeling Paczki Party was the British response to the Boston Tea Party. The redcoats confiscated the entire paczki supply of Fort Henry and dumped it into the Ohio River in 1774. For that reason, Virginia residents sought independence from Great Britain.

Despite Komorowski's assurances, Secretary Johnson remains skeptical.

"He better not think I'm playing," said Johnson in an interview. "Because I'm not one for fooling around. It's on, it's so on. He's in for a spanking."

GOP Dads Will Hold Seminar to Explain Constitution and Obama Impeachment

WINTERSVILLE - Local Super PAC Ohio Fathers Without Government. Kill The Act! (OFWGKTA) will hold a seminar to explain why President Barack Obama should be impeached. The event will take place Friday at St. Florian Hall at 7 p.m. Event organizer Ralph Brown says that the presentation will bring forth a plethora of reasons why the president should be removed from office.

"With each day that passes, our rights as gun owners are slowly being stolen from us," said Brown. "My 21-year-old grandson was asked to show his driver's license when he bought a handgun from Cabela's last week. I will not stand for this sort of injustice."

Although gun regulations are handled individually by state legislatures, Brown, a local janitor for over 30 years, insists that the president is behind Ohio's still unchanged and unrestrictive gun laws.

"This president, this black president does not understand the constitution," Brown added.

Obama, who holds a Juris Doctor in constitutional law from Harvard University and a Bachelor's degree from Columbia University in political science, taught constitutional law at the University of Chicago Law School for 12 years.

Brown will give a two hour long speech on the constitution, which will mostly cover the one-sentence-long Second Amendment. The seminar will also provide information on why the Affordable Care Act, otherwise known as Obamacare is unconstitutional.

"If I shoot a black teenager in Steubenville when he's playing his trash music, I don't want him to have access to health care," said OFWGKTA member Ed Smith. "How's he supposed to learn his lesson?"

Brown says that Obamacare, which was ruled constitutional by the Supreme Court in National Federation of Independent Business v. Sebelius, needs to be brought before the Supreme Court.

"There's no way that the John Roberts Supreme Court would allow this atrocity to continue," he said. "Roberts was appointed by Bush."

Brown showed us a student ID card (right) that he says proves that the president is in fact a foreigner named Barry Soetoro. He was thrilled when we told him what the ID card really meant. Given that Obama graduated in 1983 and Columbia University introduced digital ID cards in 1996, it means that Obama is literally a time traveler and thus not eligible to be president.

Weirton Little League Team Selling Malaysian Airplane For Tag Day

WEIRTON - Temperatures are on the rise, and that means that Little League season is just around the corner. However, times have been tough in the Ohio Valley, and funding a youth baseball team is not easy. Chris Gillette, manager of the Weirton Marlins, has come up with a plan that will raise more than enough money to make it through the season.

"I recently came into possession of a Malaysia Airlines Boeing 777," said Gillette. "It's sitting out in the lot by Main St. We're selling it for $165 million."

Declining to say how exactly an average Weirton man got his hands on a wide-body jet airliner, Gillette instead discussed how he would use $165 million to fund a Little League baseball team.

"We're going to train in the mountains of Nepal this year," he said. "I think the high-altitude training will give us the edge this season."

Among other things, Gillette also said that he plans to hire a professional team masseuse, limousines and luxury hotels for away games.

"There are games as far away as Bergholz (Ohio) this year," he said. "Home-field advantage is a huge factor in Little League and I want my team loose."

Gillette said that if for some reason the airplane does not sell, he will find a use for it.

"We could always just use it to fly to the away games," he said. "Getting it here from Kuala Lumpur was simple enough."

After some helicopters began to circle overhead, Gillette looked around nervously before running into the forest. He was not available to comment further.

Jefferson County Prepares For Dark Lord Elections

STEUBENVILLE - Following its decision to immediately disband the county government system defined by the Ohio Constitution, Jefferson County will begin approving candidates for the new Council of Malevolence. Damien III, Prince of Darkness (right, with loyal minions) will fill in as acting Dark Lord of Jefferson County until elections are completed.

Damien became known locally for his impressive persuasion skills, convincing people that voting against school levies would somehow improve education.

"I was thinking about voting for new taxes that would help out Buckeye Local a few years ago," said Adena resident Gary Withers. "But Damien spoke at the school board meeting and he changed my mind. Learning stuff is a bad idea. He's a really good speaker."

The Council of Malevolence will move to abolish taxes, relying instead on the souls of Jefferson County citizens.

"We'll let the rich people keep their money," said Damien. "As the poorer folk in the county starve to death, I will feed upon their suffering."

Damien will run virtually unopposed for Dark Lord, with 97 percent of people surveyed saying that they will vote for him. He will most likely conduct day-to-day operations from the Office of the Chief Despot in the Ohio Valley Sepulcher on Sunset Boulevard (former headquarters of the Jefferson County Republican Party).

An early candidate for the County Nefarious Lord of Secrets is former intelligence director for the underworld Belphegor. The Nefarious Lord of Secrets will listen in on conversations across the county and spread sensitive personal details across the valley, a position long desired by locals.


Greek vampire Vrykolakas is a heavy favorite for Lord of Medicine. Hindu demon Mayasura announced that he will run for the position of Master of Architecture. The last position on the council, Chief Executor, is an appointed position. Notwithstanding claims of nepotism, it is expected that Damien will name former Steubenville Prosecutor Jane Hanlin (right) to the post.

Steubenville Man Leads Police on 690 Mile Long Foot Chase

STEUBENVILLE – Police say that 20-year-old Donnell Turner led them on a 7 week, 690 mile long chase across four states on foot. Turner reportedly fled after a police officer attempted to pull him over. Officer Shideki Matsumo said that when he approached the vehicle, Turner got out and fled.

"He jumped right out of the window and took off up Route 7," said Matsumo. "I called for backup and soon we had about ten or so of us chasing him."

By the time the convoy reached the town of Montpelier, locals began gathering on the sidewalks to cheer the runners on and hand out cups of water.

"It was so inspirational," said Officer Nguyen Tan Sang. "I was just about to give up but all those kind people just kept pushing me, chanting things like 'Get that piece of sh*t! F*ck him up!' It really helped me push past my comfort zone."

After two weeks, Turner stopped at a diner in South Bend, Ind. and bought the police officer breakfast.

"I gotta give them guys a lot of respect man," said Turner. "They just won't give up. I admire that."

The policemen said that they were glad the chase remained fair.

"We usually stayed in the same hotel," said Officer Li Shen Wong. "We'd note how far ahead he checked in ahead of us and give him that much of a head start in the morning. Some nights we all just agreed at a stopping time and slept by the road.

In the end, however, Turner finally ran out of breath in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

"I just couldn't take it any more man," he said.

Officer Matsumo had the honors of walking up to Turner and Tasering him unconscious while the other policemen ordered him not to resist.

Student Swears in Class, Receives Lethal Injection

RAYLAND—12-year-old Michael Kowalski was reportedly executed by guidance counselors at Buckeye Local High School on Monday morning. School officials say that the 7th grader called his teacher an inappropriate name during class.

"We simply don't condone that sort of behavior in our school district," said Principal Coy Sudvary. "His language was contagious and could have spread throughout the school, so we had to take steps to make sure that it never happens again."

Kowalski was injected with 5 grams of sodium thiopental, a drug that inhibits a person's ability to breathe. Parents in the district praised the decision to execute him humanely.

"Spanking children is just so cruel," said Janet DiNapoli. "I'm glad to see that our schools are finding solutions for dealing with troublesome kids."

Some teachers were worried that Kowalski may be subject to bullying after the incident.

"Little Mikey was crying very loudly in the hallway as we drug him to the execution room," said science teacher Lisa Douglas. "Some of his friends might make fun of him for that. Others might think he was faking being dead."

Kowalski's friends stared at the ground in disbelief, obviously shell-shocked, when we tried to interview them.

Once again, as always, elder citizens of the valley said that they do not like the direction that society is taking.

"In my day we treated our teachers with respect," said Yorkville resident Everett Reed. "We dressed like gentlemen and called our teachers 'Ma'am' and 'Sir'."

Reed, 79, is a Korean War veteran and retired mechanic. He says that he tries to teach his grandchildren to behave as he did in the 1950s.

"That was me in '41 at age 16," said Reed, showing us a picture (right) of a greasy rebel smoking a cigarette.