STEUBENVILLE - Following its decision to immediately disband the county government system defined by the Ohio Constitution, Jefferson County will begin approving candidates for the new Council of Malevolence. Damien III, Prince of Darkness (right, with loyal minions) will fill in as acting Dark Lord of Jefferson County until elections are completed.Damien became known locally for his impressive persuasion skills, convincing people that voting against school levies would somehow improve education.
"I was thinking about voting for new taxes that would help out Buckeye Local a few years ago," said Adena resident Gary Withers. "But Damien spoke at the school board meeting and he changed my mind. Learning stuff is a bad idea. He's a really good speaker."
The Council of Malevolence will move to abolish taxes, relying instead on the souls of Jefferson County citizens.
"We'll let the rich people keep their money," said Damien. "As the poorer folk in the county starve to death, I will feed upon their suffering."
Damien will run virtually unopposed for Dark Lord, with 97 percent of people surveyed saying that they will vote for him. He will most likely conduct day-to-day operations from the Office of the Chief Despot in the Ohio Valley Sepulcher on Sunset Boulevard (former headquarters of the Jefferson County Republican Party).
An early candidate for the County Nefarious Lord of Secrets is former intelligence director for the underworld Belphegor. The Nefarious Lord of Secrets will listen in on conversations across the county and spread sensitive personal details across the valley, a position long desired by locals.
Greek vampire Vrykolakas is a heavy favorite for Lord of Medicine. Hindu demon Mayasura announced that he will run for the position of Master of Architecture. The last position on the council, Chief Executor, is an appointed position. Notwithstanding claims of nepotism, it is expected that Damien will name former Steubenville Prosecutor Jane Hanlin (right) to the post.
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