EGCC Receives Grant for Particle Collider

STEUBENVILLE - To the dismay of environmentalist liberals and insane conspiracy theorist conservatives, Eastern Gateway Community College (EGCC) accepted a federal grant on Monday to build the world's largest particle accelerator. The college won a raffle sponsored by the US Department of Education, where it beat out other candidates such as Carnegie Mellon University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT). EGCC President Dr. Laura Meeks said that the new collider will provide science majors with a unique opportunity.

"We have some of the brightest students in the entire world here at EGCC," said Meeks. "I hope we can contribute to the world of science and humanity as a whole."

Jordan Weber, a senior seeking an Associate's Degree in science, said that he can't wait to begin researching.

"I hope I can cure cancer with it," he said.

The collider, to be named the 'Extremely Huge Hadron Collider', will have a circumference of 37 miles and will be capable of producing 36 teraelectronvolts of collision energy.

Many local residents protested the decision, saying that hadron colliders will create black holes. Meeks said that the Ohio Valley is "pretty much a black hole already."

When asked who the school will contract to actually construct the megaproject, Meeks said that she will likely hire workers whom she has dealt with in the past.

"When we had our barn built in our backyard, my husband and I hired an Amish crew from Sugarcreek to build it," she said. "They did a wonderful job and built it so fast. So I think we'll hire the Amish again to build our particle accelerator."