Tuesday, March 25, 2014

WTRF Apologizes for Hysteria After Falsely Predicting Apocalypse

WHEELING - StormTracker 7's Dr. Dave Walker apologized on-air to the Ohio Valley after mistakenly predicting the extinction of the human race.

"Someone read a forecast calling for a meteor shower," said Walker. "But when we were transcribing the story, they wrote 'Asteroid Storm' instead and we just ran with it. I take the blame for that. I know better."

Indeed, the graphics department even went too far as well, broadcasting the image above showing the Ohio Valley burning and several craters where cities used to be.

The aftermath of the weather report caused many people to riot in the streets. Vandalism tore through the valley and several local businesses reported robberies. As is always the case after a disaster, the Associated Press had to apologize to the black community.

"We've been through this before," said the president of the Associated Press, Gary Pruitt. "Black people should know by now that we're sorry we keep saying that they're the only ones looting from stores. In the future, we plan to include Jews, Muslims, Cubans and Democrats on that list as well."

The mistake caused more than $119 billion in damages across the Ohio Valley, from cessations in production, the aforementioned vandalism and hospital visits from people suffering heart attacks and seizures after Walker's stoic reporting of the end times.

"He just seemed possessed as he said it," said 83-year-old Laverne James, who was sent to East Ohio Regional Hospital after fainting, falling down her stairs, being impaled by a fire poker, crushed by a falling bookshelf and finally beaten by a group of white people whom the Associated Press described as 'searching' the house. "His pitch dropped and he stared into the camera without even blinking."

"The Earth is on a collision course with the Asteroid Belt," said Walker during the forecast. "There is nothing you can do to save yourself. The world is going to burn and we are all going to die. I repeat, we are all going to die."

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