Murray Energy Announces Line of Coal Wedding Rings and Other Products

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Finally conceding that the coal industry will one day give in to more environmentally-friendly methods of producing energy, Murray Energy CEO Robert Murray told reporters that his company will begin selling its coal in a much different manner.

"We're still going to stay in the energy business," said Murray. "We'll get hydroelectric power plants and wind farms going, but we have to secure local jobs first."

Murray said that in order to let local coal miners keep their jobs, his company will produce various coal products for the consumer. The first product he described was a wedding ring, using this one from Worth 1000 (above) as an example. The Murray Energy line of wedding rings will replace the traditional diamond with a piece of coal.

"Coal and diamonds are both allotropes of carbon," said Murray. "So the meaning behind the ring stays the same but it gets a more 'at home' kind of feel."

Sticking with the romantic theme, Murray also revealed a line of Murray Energy cologne.

"If there's one thing women cannot resist in the Ohio Valley, it's a coal miner," he said. "If you're not a coal miner, the girls are going to think you're some kind of pussy. If you can't be a coal miner for some reason, our scientists have come up with a way to trick people into thinking you're one. We're proud to introduce Sueur du Mineur."

The cologne was created from a mixture of coal miner sweat and freshly excavated lignite dust. It even subtly tints your skin to make it look like you just got out of the mine.

The final product that Murray previewed was the company's own brand of grilling fuel.

"I know we've got a lot of grillers here," he said. "I have a vision for next year's Jamboree in the Hills. I want every grill at Valley View to burn anthracite instead of charcoal. Companies like Kingsford would like you to believe that charcoal is real coal. They're lying to you. Charcoal can give you a great tasting dinner, but does it stack up to the real thing? We're going to give you the opportunity to tell us for yourselves."

At the end of the conference, the company handed out gift bags containing samples of the cologne and the grilling coal, provided the recipient signed a non-liability waiver.