Department of Homeland Security Warns Riesbeck's to not Run Out of Paczki, Or Else

WINTERSVILLE - Citing reasons such as public safety and national interests, US Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson sent a memo warning Riesbeck's Food Market in Wintersville (right) to not run out of paczki.

"I'm super serious guys," read the memo. "There will totally be like riots in the street and stuff if you run out."

Despite the federal government's concerns, Riesbeck's manager Bronislaw Komorowski says that his store is in no danger of running out of the delicious treat.

"We've been at this for a very long time," said Komorowski."We have enough dough and jelly to make six hundred trillion paczki. We'll probably only go through three quarters of it."

Komorowski, a lifelong resident of Steubenville, says that he understands the importance of the paczki to the Ohio Valley.

"I was here for the Great Paczki Famine of 1977," he said. "I don't think I could ever un-see the travesties I saw during that time."

Komorowski's family also has the distinction of generating public support for some of America's greatest wars.

"When the Germans invaded Poland in 1939, all paczki imports were cut off," he said. "My father gathered up several local volunteers to join up with the RAF (British Royal Air Force) and get our paczki back. My ancestors also gathered up supporters for the American Revolution after the Wheeling Paczki Party."

For those who don't read up on history, the Wheeling Paczki Party was the British response to the Boston Tea Party. The redcoats confiscated the entire paczki supply of Fort Henry and dumped it into the Ohio River in 1774. For that reason, Virginia residents sought independence from Great Britain.

Despite Komorowski's assurances, Secretary Johnson remains skeptical.

"He better not think I'm playing," said Johnson in an interview. "Because I'm not one for fooling around. It's on, it's so on. He's in for a spanking."