Snoop Dogg Encourages Franciscan Students to Break Out of Their Shells

STEUBENVILLE - Proper rest and relaxation is the key to getting ahead in life, hip-hop artist Snoop Dogg told students at the Franciscan University of Steubenville. He addressed a crowd of 500 students on Monday at the Finnegan Fieldhouse about the importance of social skills and dealing with the calamities of everyday life.

"Sometimes you gotta be careful not to overload yourself you know?" said Dogg. "Sometimes you just gotta let loose, man."

At the beginning of the speech, Mr. Dogg caused many in attendance to gasp as he lit a joint at the podium. The commotion eventually settled down as the smoke saturated the atmosphere.

"See dude, that's exactly what I'm talking about," he said as school officials exchanged shocked looks. "Ya'll are losing your minds over some stupid [stuff]."

Dogg said that students were given a rare opportunity that is not offered to everyone.

"You guys got to realize that college is the only time in your life where you get to experiment," he said. "You're supposed to be learning, so try new things. Sometimes you can learn new things by looking at stuff from a different perspective."

Dogg explained that by taking LSD, students could open their brains to different methods of critical thinking. He also explained that smoking cannabis would help the students overcome their social shortcomings.

"Look man, you'll start talking a lot more when you get a doobie going around the room," he said. "You'll all laugh together and just get along better. It's the perfect ombudsman, get it?"

The now-stoned crowd thought the pun was hilarious.

Sheriff Abdalla Advances Again in American Idol

HOLLYWOOD - Sheriff Fred Abdalla turned in yet

another stunning performance in this season of American Idol. This time, the Jefferson County Sheriff sung his rendition of Celine Dion's 1997 hit single 'My Heart Will Go On' from the Titanic soundtrack. The performance nearly left the judges speechless.

"You totally killed it!" said Jennifer Lopez. "The pure, raw emotion that you put behind that performance was almost indescribable."

Abdalla dedicated the song to the hacker collective 'Anonymous', the hacker collective that helped expose details of the Steubenville rape case.

"Anonymous," he said in a soft tone while slowly raising his head from the ground. "I know you're watching. I know where you are and this song is for you."

Abdalla even personalized the song by adding his own lyrics.

"Near, far, wherever you are," he sang, melting the hearts of every woman in the audience. "Believe that my search goes on and on."

If you missed Abdalla's performance, you can watch it as well as extra behind the scenes footage when his show, Super Fred, airs on Friday. The episode will feature the much talked about, but deleted, scene where Abdalla shot and killed a heckler in the audience.

Bieber Wins Powerball, Escapes Valley

WHEELING/MINGO JUNCTION TOO - Just one week into Justin Bieber's sentence to Mingo Junction, reports say that Bieber has won the Powerball and escaped the Ohio Valley. The winning ticket was sold at the Marathon gas station on Wheeling Island.

"I think he threw the ticket away at first," said Jayla Freeman, a Belieber who lives across the street from where the singer was placed. "But then Channel 7 posted on their Facebook page that a winning Powerball ticket was purchased in Wheeling! I was so excited so I went and told him!"

Bieber apparently claimed his winnings and fled the valley without a word, only leaving a Post-It note on his door that read: "Siyanora bitches!"

"We're not going to point fingers," said President Obama in a press conference. "We all have to accept the blame for this. We all watch News 7, it's not our fault they aired it. Again, we're not going to point fingers at them. News 7 that is."

ArcelorMittal, Bieber's employer while he stayed in the valley, said that the singer is welcome back to the steel mill whenever he pleases.

"We melted all of his necklaces and chains!" said ArcelorMittal operations manager Larry Fox. "Profits are at an all-time high!"

Nominees Announced For First Annual Pull-It Surprise

WINTERSVILLE - The nominees for the 2014 Pull-It Surprise were announced at a banquet at St. Florian Hall last night. This will be the first year that the prize is given out, and the winners shall be determined by a senior panel of Ohio Valley News staff writers. The person featured on the token will change each year, and the honor is given to someone of prominence who has made a fool of himself/herself in the past year. This year's prize features the face of New Jersey governor Chris Christie, and we bestow the honor upon him to encourage local politicians to behave in the same manner as Gov. Christie.

The leading candidate for Best Ohio Valley Fan-Fiction is George R.R. Martin's novel, Domenick Mucci: Zombie Predator. The critically acclaimed novel features the Steubenville mayor as the leader of a group of survivors in a post-apocalyptic Ohio Valley (probably next year). Other nominees include Angelica Stewart's novel 9 vs 7, a book about the competing news stations facing off in a karate tournament; Stranded, a novel by Lewis Blackburn that tells the story of a man lost on the Ohio River; Sarah Does Steubenville, a short film by Lester Biggs that is about Sarah Palin attempting to raise money to run for office in the titular town; and finally, The Adventures of Moondog, a comic book by Damon Osbourne.

Nearly every news organization in the Ohio Valley received a nomination for Craziest News Story. WTRF's Dr. Dave Walker is expected to take the award for predicting last December to average 78 degrees and clear skies. The Herald Star's Dave Gossett is also a leading contender for his story about local children who spontaneously lost all of their teeth from ages 6-12.

Best New Local Program will be awarded to one of the two television shows that aired in the valley this year. Have You Heard About Linda? is a game show that airs on WTOV-9 that tests contestants' knowledge of local hearsay. It will compete against WTRF's show Drop the Beat, a vocal talent competition show that features the valley's aspiring rap stars.

Perhaps the most anticipated award this year is Most Entertaining Medium Relating to the Steubenville Rape Case. Nominees for this award include Trent Mays: Where Am I Now?, a five-second documentary that shows the teenager sitting in a jail cell; A Town Divided, the Lifetime Original Movie released the day after the trial concluded; CNN's The Situation Room for Wolf Blitzer's detailed drawings of the crime; and Yo Gabba Gabba for its episode "That's a No-no!", which helped young children understand the trial.

Eagle 107.5 Gets LeAnn Rimes Album Stuck on Repeat

WHEELING - A frantic Nick Nash told Ohio Valley News that he could not get the radio station to stop playing LeAnn Rimes' 2006 album Whatever We Wanna. He said that a computer malfunction froze the station's media player.

"I swear to all of our listeners that we are trying to get this fixed," said Nash. "Trust me, it's playing at full volume in our studio and nobody knows what to do about it."

The catastrophe occurred just after 3 p.m. during Nash's daily segment. He originally played the song And It Feels Like as a prank.

"We had someone call in and request some Metallica," he said. "I thought we'd get a good laugh if we surprised him LeAnn Rimes before switching over to Master of Puppets, but obviously nobody's laughing anymore."

Much to Nash's dismay, the song played through in its entirety, followed by the rest of the album. Thousands of blue-collar workers across the Ohio Valley were forced to turn their radios off and work in silence.

"You know, it wouldn't be so bad if were a different LeAnn Rimes album," said Billy Ray Jones, a truck driver for Carenbauer Distributing. "Blue was pretty good but she's just totally passé anymore."

Nash said that he's been working overtime to help the IT crews get the problem solved.

"I tried unplugging it and plugging it back in," he said. "But the backup generators just kick in and keep it going. Then we tried unhooking the generators, but that didn't work either."

Steven Fairchild, a WEGW employee, was sent to the hospital after nearly being electrocuted when he tried to disconnect the generators. Nash added that he thinks the radio station may even be haunted.

"After Steve got shocked, all the lights dimmed and the thermostat went way up," he said. "Then LeAnn got louder and louder."

Wheeling mayor Andy McKenzie said that if the situation is not resolved soon, drastic measures may be taken.

"If they don't get it fixed, we're taking matters into our own hands," said McKenzie. "We're going to have to blow the place up."

Wheeling Legalizes Prostitution For Valentine's Day Only

WHEELING - Mayor Andy McKenzie says that he wants everybody in Wheeling to be able to enjoy Valentine's Day equally. On February 14, prostitution will be legal for anyone within city limits.

"The idea came to me when I was browsing the internet a couple nights ago," said McKenzie. "I saw this advertisement that there were a lot lonely moms in my area that were ready to go at it. I felt bad for them, so we're going to do them a special Valentine's Day favor."

McKenzie said that while the practice is usually unorganized, customers will still be required to pay sales taxes on the prostitutes.

"We've been handing out these Intuit credit card readers to every prostitute in Wheeling," he said. "That way we can properly keep track of every transaction. It will basically be like they are employees of the city for a day."

The credit card readers will allow the city to get creative with the offer.

"We're looking at running some kind of prostitute rewards program," McKenzie said. "We don't know exactly what we're going to offer just yet, but there will definitely be a buy one get one half off deal. Also, if you spend over $50 this year you'll earn points towards next year's event."

Several companies have already announced their involvement with the event. For instance, Apollo Pro Cleaning & Restoration will be providing free cleanup services, while Enterprise Rent-A-Car will offer discounted car rentals with certain bundles.

Wheeling Intelligencer Accidentally Publishes Newspaper in Wingdings

WHEELING - The launch of the Intelligencer's new format (right) was plagued by a single oversight: it was published in Wingdings. Apparently, nobody in the newsroom realized that the mistake even happened, and thousands of readers across the Ohio Valley were delivered a newspaper that they could not understand. Ogden Newspapers President Robert Nutting, also owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates and Seven Springs Mountain Resort, said that he doesn't think that the misprinting is that big of a deal.

"Well technically it's still written in English," he said. "If you go through and type out each individual key in Microsoft Word, you'll be able to make a cipher that you can use to decode the paper. It'll be something that you can enjoy doing with your family!"

Although Nutting assured readers that the mistake was relatively minor, several subscribers voiced their displeasure.

"So first we get that Coke commercial during the Super Bowl and now we get this," said Wheeling resident Abdullah Rahad Ahmed Al-Najibullah Omar Roberto Sanchez Toriyami Yamaguchi. "I thought this was America."

Several elderly people began rioting in the streets of downtown Wheeling because they lost their minds, according to health professionals at East Ohio Regional Hospital. Nutting said that if people wanted to read the stories, they were still available.

"You can see them all online!" he said as a mob of retirees set fire to his car. "I don't understand why they can't just get on a computer."

Unfortunately for Nutting and the Intelligencer, the riots knocked out internet service in Wheeling, causing many of city's teenagers to join in on the commotion. It also caused employees at Wesbanco to get more work done than they ever had done before.

Provident Man Wins 35,000 Pounds of Milk

PROVIDENT - 55-year-old John Doe was shocked to hear that he was the lucky winner of United Dairy's Winter Harvest Sweepstakes. The prize was 35,000 pounds of milk delivered right through his front door. United Dairy spokesperson Brenda Witherspoon says that the company wanted to really surprise Mr. Doe.

"If you've ever watched the Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes, they like to just knock on the door," said Witherspoon. "But they have a huge entourage with vans and people with balloons. You can see that from a mile away. I assure you that Mr. Doe did not see this coming."

She also said that the move was inspired by the mascot for another famous beverage.

"Remember the Kool-Aid commercials?" asked Witherspoon. "Everyone was so excited whenever he would burst through the walls. Didn't you always wish that would happen to you?"

Apparently, Mr. Doe did not wish for that to happen.

"They better pay for the damage," he said. "They could have killed me, plus there's a giant hole in my house and it's freezing out."

Witherspoon says she doesn't know why he's so upset.

"We're letting him keep all that milk!" she exclaimed. "That's like giving him 20 thousand dollars. But I do hope he's a fast drinker. It all expires next week."

Justin Bieber Exiled to Ohio Valley, Lands Job With ArcelorMittal

MINGO JUNCTION - In response to an official White House petition that has received over 240,000 signatures, President Obama announced that he will have the Department of Homeland Security relocate Justin Bieber to Mingo Junction, Ohio.

"Legally, I do not have the power to deport people from this country," Obama said. "I can, however, put him somewhere where you'll never hear from him again."

Bieber arrived in his new Mingo Junction apartment on Monday morning. He was seen wondering around town in his signature gas mask, which he uses to keep the nauseous gasses across the river in Follansbee from killing him.

"He's just gonna have to get used to it," said Mingo resident Paul Wilson. "Time to put your big boy pants on."

The pop star spent his first day in the valley shopping around in Fort Steuben Mall while numerous reporters and many others followed his every move. Bieber seemed disoriented as he stumbled around looking for stores.

"Excuse me sir," Bieber asked an elderly man on a bench. "Where might I find a Louis Vuitton boutique?"

The comment drew laughs from several passersby as the man glared at him.

"We don't have Chinese stores around here," said the man.

According to reports, Bieber was set up with a job at the ArcelorMittal steel mill in Weirton. He was sent to the hospital today after his clothes melted to his skin. President Obama said that isn't sure how long Bieber would last in Mingo Junction, but he was certain the musician would never escape.

"The Ohio Valley is a trap for young people," Obama said. "Once you're there, it's the hardest place in America to escape."

Disheveled Adam Del Rosso Spotted in Hut Near Ohio River

STEUBENVILLE - It's a question that has been on the minds of Ohio Valley residents for years. What does WTOV-9's Adam Del Rosso do during the weekdays? The meteorologist comes in to report the weather on the weekends, then mysteriously disappears for five days in a row. Many have speculated that he doesn't exist at all, noting that he has never actually been seen in public aside from reporting for News 9. For this special report we teamed up with Del Rosso's friend and colleague, Kevin Carter, to find out where it is he runs off to during his days off.

"Adam is an incredibly professional meteorologist," said Carter. "He's very photogenic, you know? He just looks like he was born to be on television."

Del Rosso joined News 9 in 2011, but in all his time there he has not shown up to a single event outside of where WTOV sends him.

"We've had Christmas parties and there have been birthday parties, but Adam's always nowhere to be seen," Carter said. "Jeff [Oechslein] and I always thought that maybe he was just anti-social, but one day he showed up to work looking like a mess."

Carter took a picture (right) of Del Rosso and showed it to the rest of the staff, raising concerns about his well-being.

"The odd thing was," said Carter. "He just sort of shrugged his shoulders and muttered something at me. He went into the bathroom and ten minutes later he came out looking absolutely normal. That's when I knew I had to find out what was going on."

Carter joined a team of OVN reporters as we followed Del Rosso last week after his Sunday weather report. He drove down to the Ohio River, walked through the woods and into a hut (pictured above). We waited outside until the next morning before finally approaching him with caution.

"I was absolutely shocked," Carter said. "I still can't believe he lives in a hut by the river."

When he spotted us, Del Rosso was sharpening a spear and wearing nothing but a loincloth. His beard had already grown back and he seemed startled to see that we discovered his whereabouts.

"It was almost as if he'd seen a ghost," said Carter. "I was worried he might attack us for a moment."

As if the situation wasn't peculiar enough, Del Rosso spoke in a strange, guttural tribal language. He would not address us in English, but he did show us around his residence. There was a small fire cackling next to his hut, where he had some squirrels and rabbits roasting for dinner.

"What really got me were his rock paintings," Carter said. "I had no idea that's how he accurately predicts the valley's weather."

On a large boulder next to his hut were a series of paintings (left) that seemed to reflect Del Rosso's weather forecasts. There were several drawings of the sun and moon, as well as depictions of various gods and goddesses from around the world.

After showing us his establishment, Del Rosso beckoned us toward the river, where he dove into the icy currents without hesitation. He resurfaced nearly a minute later with a fish in his mouth.

"You know something, that was the best fish fillet I've ever eaten in my entire life," said Carter as he drove us through Steubenville on the ride home.

We returned to the WTOV-9 studios the next weekend to discuss the visit with Del Rosso. He showed up to work looking as if nothing strange had happened. When we asked him to talk about the past weekend, he seemed bewildered.

"What on Earth are you talking about?" asked Del Rosso. "I live in a house in town. You must be mistaking me for someone else."

Later that day, the News 9 team stared in shock as a pair of salamanders escaped from Del Rosso's pocket and ran free in the studio.

ODOT Switches to Meters, Improves Cars' MPG Ratings in Ohio

COLUMBUS - In an unprecedented move yesterday, The Ohio Department of Transportation (ODOT) announced that it will now use the metric system to officially measure distances. Ohio becomes the first state in the country to join the majority of the world. ODOT Director Jerry Wray says that he decided to make the switch in order to make Ohio a better place to live.

"We took a long, hard look at current trends in the auto industry," said Wray. "It seems that the cars that sell the most are ones with something called a 'high m/pg rating'. So we figured that if we measure distances in meters instead of miles, that rating would go way up."

Wray's prediction turned out to be true. In a three month study conducted on cars crossing the Market Street Bridge (left) in Steubenville, vehicles leaving West Virginia and entering Ohio suddenly increased their m/pg rating by over one thousand. The opposite proved true for cars leaving the state.

"This is an absolutely remarkable discovery," said Leo Thomas, a professor of engineering at Franciscan University. "Generally cars that get 30 m/pg are considered to have a good fuel economy. A semi-truck averages about 6 m/pg in other states. When a tractor trailer crosses into Ohio, however, it shoots up to 9,656 m/pg!"

While the move provides the state with a much needed boost in fuel economy, many residents of the Ohio Valley have told us that they are worried about the distances between cities increasing.

"I work in Richmond," said Kathy Franklin, a woman who works in Richmond and lives in Steubenville. "And I live in Steubenville. The road sign that points to Richmond originally had a seven on it, now it says 11,265. Do you know how long it's going to take me to get there now?"

Wray noted that some people will be stuck in situations such as Franklin's.

"What used to be a 15-minute drive will now be an epic adventure across the valley," he said. "If she doesn't like it, she should check out our new logo (above)."

Local Prinicipal Regrets Approving The Hunger Games as School Play

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Principal Jim Rocchi says that he "made a terrible mistake" when he let the music teacher adapt Suzanne Collins' The Hunger Games into a school play. Parents of children at St. Clairsville Elementary School say that their kids were forced to brutally mutilate one another in front of a terrified audience.

"Granted, the portrayal of violence was simulated," said Rocchi. "The special effects crew we hired from Hollywood did a fantastic job for the most part."

A majority of parents didn't approve of 10-year-old Braden Robinson's gruesome performance as Cato, the bloodthirsty tribute from District 2. Robinson had to kill a total of six characters throughout the play, causing his mother a great deal of distress.

"All that fake blood stained his underwear," said Carrie Robinson. "No matter how much bleach I use it just won't come out."

Others mentioned being slightly off-put at how 5th grader Austin Cameron seemed to "really get into his role" as District 1's Marvel. We were also told that Cameron deviated from the script several times.

"I told him over and over again that he was not allowed to drink the blood of the fallen tributes," said music teacher Sharon Wright. "It was a liquid form of Jell-O and had way too much sugar in it for a child his age to be drinking."

This is not the first time that St. Clairsville Elementary has been called out for its choice in school plays. Last year's rendition of the 1984 film Red Dawn came under fire for many of the same reasons as this year's play, along with the fact that the school used actual terrorists who held the audience in a hostage situation for 13 weeks.

"It was a good show other than the fact that it was so long," recalled Gary Sellers, WTOV-9's 'Local School Play Critic'. "I really had to go to the bathroom but we weren't allowed to leave. Also, the concession stand ran out of food fairly early into the show. They should have anticipated that. I gave it three out of five stars."

Wright told us that she chose Red Dawn and The Hunger Games because many parents told her that the school's 2012 play, Romeo and Juliet, was too boring.

Sellers will release his review of this year's play tomorrow on News 9 midday.