Big Red's Saccoccia Jealous He Didn't Receive Indictment

STEUBENVILLE - Big Red head football coach Reno Saccoccia told reporters today that he was upset that charges wouldn't be pressed against him as a result of the grand jury investigation into the 2012 rape case. Earlier today, Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine announced the names of four people who are being indicted, Steubenville City Schools Superintendent Michael McVey among them. A hysterical Saccoccia attended the press conference, and took the microphone after DeWine was finished speaking.

"I knew way more about the rape than any of these idiots did," said Saccoccia. "Didn't you read the text that Trent [Mays] sent me? I hid the freaking evidence!"

An assistant football coach, an assistant wrestling coach and a teacher at West Elementary are also being charged along with McVey. Saccoccia told us that he feels he should have done more to cover up the story.

"It's not fair," said Saccoccia. "Maybe I should have threatened the little girl into lying. Perhaps I could have tried to bribe [Jefferson County Prosecutor] Tom Straus. I didn't want to try too hard because if I did, this might not have made it court."

Although it remains unclear why Saccoccia wished to be indicted, he mentioned a motivational speech that he gave to the football team earlier this year.

"I told them that next year, I'll be watching the game from a jail cell," he said. "I won't be there with my boys, my second family. So you go out there and win one for me. Go out there and win one for Trent and Malik [Richmond]."

Now it seems that the football team will lack motivation going into next season. Still, the coach says he has to remain optimistic.

"This is going to make for one boring Thanksgiving," he said. "But I'll just have to put on a big smile and weather the storm."

Smithfield Mayor Disappointed by Failure of Space Program Levy

SMITHFIELD - Mayor Ted Boyd had a vision of the future when he took office in 2011. He had an idea that would bring jobs to the small town of Smithfield, which would also provide a much needed boost to its fledgling economy.

"When I was campaigning for mayor, I promised everyone that I would take the community in a whole new direction," Boyd said in an interview today. "I said I would take us upwards. The sky's the limit."

Unfortunately for Boyd, voters didn't seem to take his message literally.

"We spent two years gathering the resources and planning a budget," said Boyd. "I didn't think the enitre town would take 'Reach for the Void, Vote for Boyd' figuratively."

Perhaps that's why voters were shocked when city council proposed a $196 billion tax levy for the village of 896. Had the levy passed, tax payers would each have had to provide on average $282 million per year to construct a space center on the grounds of Friendship Park.

"Obviously, some people were a little upset about having to pay more tax money," said city councilman Rob Warner. "We're just going to have to campaign a little harder next year and work on our transparency in town hall meetings."

The levy failed by a count of 376-0. Boyd points to his failure to connect with minority voters and women as the primary reason.

"I think some people were worried that we weren't going to hire blacks or Hispanics," said Boyd. "That idea is asinine, we would have a huge need for custodians with a space program this big."

Shadyside to Outsource Students to China if Levy Fails

SHADYSIDE - Superintendent John Haswell says that Shadyside Local School District is out of money yet again, and if the levy on Tuesday's ballot does not pass, the results will be disastrous.

"If you do not vote for the levy, I will send your kids to China," said Haswell. "I'm not kidding this time."

The district has lost hundreds of thousands of dollars ever since voters decided to pass a law that allowed it gamble its budget on sporting events. Earlier this year, Haswell lost $50,000 of taxpayer money at the Belmont Stakes, betting for 30-1 long shot Midnight Taboo. Haswell has defended his gambling decisions, saying that other factors can be blamed for the financial mishaps.

"Our stupid school board voted to let the Student Council have control of our budget," said Haswell. "That didn't exactly turn out the way they expected it to."

Over the summer, the Student Council approved construction of an $18 million water park on the high school's campus. Class of 2014 President Kaylee Amoroso said that the water park should pay for itself in 20 years.

"Wheeling Park has one," said Amoroso. "They make money by charging people to get in. As long as we make a million dollars in profit every year, we'll be alright."

Haswell says that the district needs the money now and not later.

"After our losses from construction and betting, we had a budget of $453 this year," he said. "We've had to make a lot of cuts and layoffs. If it gets any worse, we'll have no other option than to send our students overseas."

China is currently paying American schools $2,500 for every student. Haswell says that selling children is the best route to take, because they will have less students to spend money on as well as more money in the bank.

"They won't really tell us what they want with our kids," Haswell said. "But they'll get better education over there anyhow so I could care less."

Polls open on this upcoming Tuesday, November 2.

Death Metal Band Behemoth Visits Sick Children at Wheeling Hospital

WHEELING - Playing music had been a lifelong dream of Allison Richland, a 10-year old from Warwood. Unfortunately, she lost the use of her most of her motor functions after a car accident left her paralyzed. Nine-year old Mitchell Reese of Wheeling Island had always wanted to attend a concert, but a battle with leukemia is forcing him to live in a hospital room. Stories such as these are all too common for the patients of Wheeling Hospital's Center for Pediatrics, some of whom are suffering from terminal conditions. Yesterday, however, the children received some unexpected visitors who brightened their spirits, if just for a moment.

Behemoth, a death metal band from Poland, played a show at Wes Banco Arena and heard about the children at Wheeling Hospital.

"I felt terrible when they told me about those poor kids," said lead singer Adam Darski. "It reminded me of the little girl from our music video for 'Lucifer'."

Darski gathered up the rest of his band and headed over to the hospital to visit the children after the show. The kids were gathered in their play room, and screamed in excitement when the band arrived, sporting their signature demonic clothing and face paint. The children screamed the for the entire duration of Behemoth's visit.

"They never stopped," said Darski, tears streaming down his face. "It was like they were at a real concert."

Behemoth played an acoustic show for the kids; Darski's deep, guttural growls and screams filled the air with melodies of hope and joy. Director Judy Romano said that she thought the meeting was a success.

"Little Allison wanted desperately to see Justin Bieber," said Romano. "But I think this nice rock band did a good job. She was crying the entire time. She must have really liked them."

Steubenville Terrorizes Citizens to Prepare for Halloween

STEUBENVILLE - Mayor Domenick Mucci told reporters that the nuclear bomb that went off earlier today was detonated by the fire department as part of the city's "Scare the 'S' out of Steubenville Week". The bomb exploded inside Belleview Park at noon, sending the entire town into a frenzy. Schools sent home students early and businesses shut down, fearing a terrorist invasion. Mucci says that the madness was worth the hassle.

"It was just marvelous," he said as he clapped his hands and hopped on his feet. "We've been having so much fun this week; I can't wait to show you guys what we have planned for tomorrow!"

The city council has been staging various crimes this week to create mass hysteria in the build up to this year's Halloween festivities. Two stabbings have already taken since Sunday, and Mucci says that things are just getting started.

"Tomorrow, we're going to send out undercover police officers to kidnap children on their way to school," Mucci (pictured left) said with a grin. "Imagine how terrified the kids are going to be! And the parents! It's going to be hilarious!"

So far, public reception of the charade has been overwhelmingly positive. Parents have said it makes their boring lives in small town Ohio that much more fun.

"I was crying like a little baby when I went to go pick up my 5-year old from school," said Debby Nardo, whose daughter attends Pugliese Elementary School. "I didn't know whether she was alive or dead. Then the news broke that the bomb was a joke and I couldn't help but laugh."

Critics, however, say that the city may be subject to liability lawsuits in the death of 38-year-old Martin Douglas, who was stabbed in a back alley by local volunteers.

"Yeah, the family's pretty upset with me right now," Mucci said. "But it's all in jest. One day they'll look back at this and laugh."

US Rt. 22 Will Add Loop-the-Loop

WEIRTON - In an effort to make commutes to Pittsburgh more amusing, the US Department of Transportation has said that it will begin remodeling US Rt. 22 between Weirton and Pittsburgh. The highway will now feature a variety of twists and turns resembling roller coasters. Officials say that boredom has caused drivers to fall asleep at the wheel, leading to hundreds of millions of deaths last week in West Virginia alone. DOT spokesman Randy Smith says that the move will make the highway much safer.

"The vertical loop and helix turns will force drivers to pay more attention to the road," said Smith. "It also makes it a heck of a lot more fun to drive to Pittsburgh now."

The 110-foot loop-the-loop will be the first addition to open, and will take approximately 34 years to build.

"We're trying to set the bar high for road construction times," said Smith. "The faster we get this done, the better."

Also, in order to safely make it through the loop without falling from the top, the speed limit has been increased from 65 mph to 475 mph. Additionally, a speed minimum has also been added at 350 mph.

"Truck drivers will really like what we've done for them," said Smith. "We tried really hard to see if tractor trailers would be able make it trough but it always ended in catastrophe. So to compensate, we'll also be building a ramp where drivers can jump over a 50-foot wide canyon."

When asked if the new truck ramp will be open to normal traffic in the case of some drivers perhaps being too scared to try the loop, Smith sounded indifferent.

"Well I suppose they could. But why wouldn't you want to try it?"

Jill's Gentleman's Club Adds 5,000 Sq. Ft. Kids Corner

TRIADELPHIA - Parents looking to spend a night

out don't have to worry about finding a babysitter for their annoying children any longer. Jill's Gentleman's Club completed construction of a 5,000 sq. ft. addition which will house the new Jill's Kids Corner.

"We're really excited about our new building," said Jill's spokeswoman Candy Bubbles. "We're expecting attendance to skyrocket now that parents can take their kids with them to the strip club."

The new building will host a variety of activities for children, including an arcade where tickets won at games can be traded in for prizes. 

"We're giving the kids a chance to win Jill's related merchandise," said Bubbles. "Oh nothing to inappropriate!" she added quickly. "Just some things they can play with to keep themselves busy."

Prizes that are being offered for the tickets include pairs of fuzzy handcuffs, video cameras, and inflatable dolls of their favorite pop stars.

"We have all sorts of other activities lined up too," Bubbles told us. "We have many different educational classes that we're sure kids will love."

Many of the kids selected for the trial run seemed to enjoy the classes at the Kid's Corner, which are taught by the club's exotic dancers.

"I really liked Ms. Kitty!" said 8-year old Madelyn Connors. "She told us all about how how she started working on the streets in Wheeling to help her family!"

Classes are usually about 45 minutes long. We sat in on a class called "The Art of Twerking", which featured a video of pop idol Miley Cyrus. Local parents said they were very enthusiastic about the club's decision to expand.

"It's about damn time," said Rufus Stillman of Beech Bottom. "I'm a single dad, and I don't have enough money to keep paying that idiot babysitter. Now I have enough to get drunk, get my lap dances, and have my little Kaylee somewhere where she's safe."

Kaylee, 14, said that her relationship with her father improved dramatically after he started taking her to Jill's.

"He used to get on me all the time and act like he was the boss of me," she said. "But now we hang out  together and I know what I want to do for the rest of my life."

Axl Rose Assures Interviewer that "Paradise City" is about Bloomingdale

NEW YORK CITY - In a recent interview with Rolling Stone magazine, rock star Axl Rose claimed that his 1988 hit song Paradise City is actually about Bloomingdale, Ohio. Rose told Rolling Stone writer Andy Greene that he and Slash were big fans of the small town along U.S. Route 22.

"Slash and I were kicking it in the back of the van when he started humming the tune," said Rose. "And I just started singing the words. It all just came naturally."

Rose says that the original lyrics to the song were drastically changed in the final product. He blames the record label for attempting to make the song more marketable.

"It originally went: 'Take me down to the paradise city where the girls are fat and they have big titties," he continued. "The label didn't think that mainstream culture would like that too much."

WTRF's News 7 Switches to Animation

WHEELING - Channel 7 has lived in the shadow of the more colorful, raunchier News 9 for many years, but station manager George Green vows to change that. On the station's 6 o'clock program, anchor Nate Fluharty announced Green's plan to make the switch to animated news.

"Starting in two months," Fluharty said. "7 News will be presented to you in the form of a cartoon featuring the cast of Comedy Central's Brickleberry. Our current staff of reporters and anchors will voice these characters."

The reaction was almost instant. People across the valley who could figure out social media vowed to make the change from WTOV to WTRF.

"I'l[l] acshully b[e] abel to pay attenshin too the news! [sic]" said 20 year-old Bryce Hall in a Facebook post. "It['s] ushully so boring. [sic]"

Laurie Conway, Jamie Ward, and Rachael Dierkes will take turns providing the voice for Ethel Anderson (blonde woman in picture), who will be the anchor for all hours that the news program airs. Ethel will be joined by Steve Williams (far left), who will be voiced by Nate Fluharty. Woody Johnson (center) will provide weather and features the harmonized voices of Dr. Dave Walker and Brian Davis. Denzel Jackson (the black one) will cover sports. Scott Nolte and Mike Anthony will provide his voice. Sara Yingling and Kelsey Kennedy will do the voice for Connie Cunaman (woman on right), and D.K. Wright will voice the grizzly bear cub named Malloy.

Jeff Oechslein Wins 'Jeff Oechslein Look-Alike Contest'

STEUBENVILLE - Jeff Oechslein won a record tenth straight 'Jeff Oechslein Look-Alike Contest' yesterday, making him the winner every year since the contest began in 2003. The meteorologist from WTOV 9 said that he never anticipated this kind of success.

"This all just feels like a dream," said Oechslein. "I mean, the camera adds a few pounds and that had me really worried this year."

The contest was held at Steubenville Big Red High School as part of the annual 'Rigatoni for Rwanda' event. Over fifteen people entered the contest, including one from every racial minority. Pedro Gonzalez won the coveted 'I Look Like a Mexican Jeff Oechslein' award.

"There's a lot of different minorities we could give an award for," said event organizer Douglas Brown. "But just imagine a Mexican Jeff Oechslein telling you about the weather in the Ohio Valley. It would be hilarious!"

Oechslein, however, will move on to the regional semifinals next week.

"I hope I can give a better performance than I did last year," said Oechslein.

At least year's Jeff Oechslein Look-Alike regional semifinals, Oechslein showed up hungover after a night of partying in downtown Cincinnati. Paparazzi took videos of the meteorologist standing on a table in a bar pretending to be a preacher. The videos showed him rambling on about stratus clouds for nearly three straight hours. Judges told the media that Oechslein "wasn't looking like himself". Oechslein finished a disappointing third.

"Of course, the big goal this year is to knock off that rascal Anderson Cooper," Oechslein said. "That's the final challenge."

Cooper won the national award last year, replacing defending champion Al Roker. Oechslein has won the national prize six times.

Edison Local Replaces Buses with Bicycles

RICHMOND - In an effort to cut costs and reduce emissions, Edison Local School District is discontinuing its school bus program. Instead, students will be provided with school-owned bicycles. Superintendent Dave Quattrochi told us that he thinks the new program will have multiple benefits for the school, and for the students.

"We are actually able to lay off more bus drivers than we originally planned to," said Quattrochi. "Another person we were able to fire was our gym teacher because our students are getting proper exercise before and after school. It really frees up our budget for more important things."

The $975,000 increase in the district's budget means that the school board will finally be able to move forward with the long delayed action of giving themselves a raise.

"My daughter's sweet sixteen birthday party is next month," said board member Kathy Clark. "I'm just super excited that we'll be able to throw her a birthday party in the Bahamas with all her friends."

Tensions between the board and some of the fired bus drivers came to a breaking point after driver Dave McCormack lashed out on Twitter.

"My son's thirteenth birthday party is in two weeks," he tweeted. "All I can afford to get him is a toy truck from Goodwill. #stupidbitch"

Clark is now filing a lawsuit against Mr. McCormack for sexism.

Parents, however, are reportedly very happy about the school's new plan.

"Now I don't have to worry if that stupid kid caught the bus or not," said Irondale resident Glen Mustaine. "If she wakes up late, then it's her own damn fault. She can take herself to school."

The fourteen mile bike ride to Richmond takes his daughter Hannah roughly three and a half to four hours to complete. Hannah said that usually wakes up at about 3 A.M. and leaves a half hour later.

"And the ride back usually takes her longer, so she gets home at about 7," her father said. "She has to get right to bed when she comes home though. That way she gets her full eight hours of sleep for the next school day."

New Local Company Offers Bottled River Water

MARTINS FERRY - A new company has opened up on the banks of the Ohio River, bringing some much needed jobs to the area. Ohio River Water (right) will hit store shelves this Friday, offering valley residents the chance to taste the very water from which their area gets its name. We listened in as the company held a press conference this morning.

"We here at Ohio River Water are very proud to bring you this product," said company spokesperson Lester Yates. "Ohio River Water is bottled right here in Martins Ferry, without the needless filtering or distillation that leading corporate brands go through!"

Yates said that without the filtering, the water will have a distinct flavor that can only be found in the Ohio Valley.

"The great Ohio River makes its way into our valley flowing from Pittsburgh," Yates continued. "It flows into Weirton carrying all of the minerals from the steel mills. From there it moves on, collecting waste water from the mills in Steubenville as well as the coke plant in Follansbee. Then it arrives in Brilliant where it mixes with whatever that stuff is that comes from the Cardinal plant. After that, it makes its way past Rayland, where coal is spilled into it from the other side of the river. Finally, it goes through the dam in Yorkville, collecting a bunch of things that get stuck in there. We're bringing you refreshment you won't find anywhere else!"

It should also be noted that Cross Creek runs into the river as well, which of course carries the run-off water containing the Satralloy plant (left) flavor as well. Most valley residents live near a creek that empties into the Ohio River, so nobody north of Martins Ferry should be left out. Test groups sampled the water last month, where a select few had the chance to try the new beverage before it hit the market.

"It was unlike anything I've ever put in my mouth," said Wendy Dahmer, a prostitute from Wheeling. "I can't believe nobody's thought of this before."

"It goes through your digestive system immediately," said Paula Bundy, a stay-at-home mom. "Being a soccer mom means I don't have much time to take bathroom breaks, so it's nice to be able to know exactly when I need to make a pit stop."

Yates said that he expects the new water to be a massive success.

"It is delicious," he said as he removed a plastic wrapper from his mouth. "And it's not like it even costs us a lot to produce. We don't filter it and we don't even have to buy the plastic bottles! There's enough floating around in the river already so we just use those!"

Ohio River Water will be sold at most major gas stations and retailers, and will be set up on display at the front of many stores for the next two weeks.

OVN Local Medley Issue #3

• Road crews are cleaning up on Route 2 in Brooke County after a Water Transport truck spilled water all over the road.

• Sistersville Mayor Dave Fox is resigning from office, saying he can't deal with the boredom any longer.

• Hopedale Elementary school was evacuated today after a bomb threat written in crayon was found in a restroom.

• An illegal dump site is still being cleaned up in Dillonvale. However, authorities can not seem to stop people from returning to the site to defecate.

• A new study done in Jefferson County shows that children don't like being screamed at after all.

• Joseph Yurigan, operator of the Weirton Chiropractic Center and the Wheeling Spine Center, was sentenced to two years in prison for practicing chiropractic therapy on unsuspecting pedestrians.

• 16 Jalontay Johnson will be tried as an adult after he accidentally stabbed his friend 25 times in a game of 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey' gone wrong.

• A Tyler County man is being accused of chasing his family around the house with a can of Axe deodorant. His wife and children say their right to smell bad was infringed.

• Liverpool Township was awarded a $30,000 grant to repair John Campbell Road. The road has been impassable for 5 years, leaving at least eight families completely cut off from the outside world. Trustee Karl Kontnier says the rest of Columbiana County is welcome to gamble on whether or not the people are even still alive.

• Wellsville fire chief Bill Smith's certification has come into question after his questionable firefighting techniques became public. A viral video shows Smith attempting to put out a house fire by peeing on it.

• New data shows that West Virginia schools are successfully failing math and science classes as planned. Child support and  home brewing scores are at an all-time high.

Creepy Steubenville Man Opens Free Candy Store Inside House

STEUBENVILLE - Some people call it a recession, but that's not stopping 47 year-old Owen Schottenheimer (right) from fulfilling his lifelong dream of opening his own candy shop. Schottenheimer has lived on Steubenville's Sunset Blvd. for his entire life, and is committed to giving back to his community.

"I'm hoping that our location will be perfect for, uh, business," said Schottenheimer. "I set this up so kids could stop here for some free candy on their commute to school."

The candy shop will be located inside Schottenheimer's house, which is just under a half mile from Catholic Central High School.

"It's a bit of good luck for me," said Shottenheimer as he laughed and sipped a steaming cup of simple syrup. "Technically I'm not allowed to live within two thousand feet of the school."

The store, aptly named Free Candy, will open its doors this Friday. According to a list of rules posted on Schottenheimer's door, children may not bring their parents inside.

"I don't want the parents of these children to tell them they can't have any of my sweets," Schottenheimer told us. "It would just break their little hearts."

Mr. Schottenheimer said that he couldn't show us his candy selection until the store opens because he didn't want to ruin the surprise. He did give us a bit of a hint, however.

"Lollipops," he said, blushing. "Nice, tasty, sensational, delectable, delicious, savory lollipops."

Buckeye Local Enrolls 435 Pound Silverback Gorilla

RAYLAND - Residents of southern Jefferson county are buzzing with excitement after hearing that the Buckeye Local Panthers will be adding a new foreign exchange student from the Democratic Republic of the Congo named 'Spanky' (right) to their football team. The Panthers have been scrambling to find a spark in their offense after losing their first two games by a combined score of 85-6. Head Coach Phil Pest told Ohio Valley News that he thinks the transition will be seamless.

"We don't really have that much of a complicated playbook," said Pest. "It won't be hard for him to learn it by this weekend."

Pest also said that his sideline ques should resemble what Spanky is used to communicating with in the wild.

"We utilize a system of hand signals that he should recognize," said Pest as he demonstrated beating on his chest with his fists.

Spanky is currently expected to play running back in the Panthers' upcoming game at John Marshall. However, some parents are worried about their children's safety after the gorilla sent sophomore wide receiver Tyler Pruitt to the hospital.

"We've been practicing some run plays by giving Spanky the ball and having a teammate lead him to the end zone with a banana," Pest said. "Unfortunately Spanky gets overzealous sometimes."

The 16 year-old Pruitt is currently in stable condition after being beaten off of the sideline fence and hurled into the grandstands of World War II Memorial Stadium.

Local Baby Vows to Give All Birthday Presents to Charity

ST. CLAIRSVILLE - Gordon Hewitt and his wife Lynda sure were surprised when they heard their son David say that he would like to give up his birthday presents, especially because the presents were for his very first birthday.

"I was shocked," said Gordon. "But then again he always has been the most caring little guy I've ever known."

David told his parents that he would like to give the presents to the American Red Cross and donate his birthday money to the Martins Ferry Presbyterian Church.

"I was a little sad to see him get rid of the new baseball and glove we got him," the boy's father said. "We were gonna go outside today and toss the ball around but I guess that will have to wait until next year."

His mother Lynda was still crying hysterically from being proud when we arrived for an interview, so we weren't able to get any decipherable statements from her. The family's relatives told us that they were a little skeptical of the claims made the Hewitts.

"I haven't even heard the kid talk yet," said Poderick Payne, the boy's grandfather. "I bought him a sawed-off shotgun so I could teach him how to hunt, not so he could give it away to some stupid dirtball kid."

The boy received an honorary citizens award from the St. Clairsville city council, but the boy gave that away to helpless children who didn't have the means to help other children.

WTOV9 Nominated for Lamest News Pulitzer

STEUBENVILLE - News 9 has been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize once again for 'Lamest News Coverage'. The announcement came at about 4:00 ET for their coverage of a coyote running around in Steubenville (right). Residents commented that they weren't all that surprised to see a fairly common animal in a town like Steubenville.

"It really wasn't doing anything," said some guy we talked to. "It just sat there letting this dog bark at it. I hoped to see more action."

According to those in charge of handing out the Pulitzer, News 9 wasted valuable resources in order to cover the story. They also obstructed officials from the Ohio Division of Wildlife when they told them not to remove the animal until they got there "so they could watch." Reporter Aly Cohen told OVN that she feels like her skills would be better utilized elsewhere.

"I work too hard to waste my time covering the things WTOV considers newsworthy," said Cohen. "Last week they told me to sit down by the river and wait for this guy to catch a fish so I could interview him about it."
The Pulitzer Prize people say that the story reminded them of last year's winner, a Japanese news station's coverage of a giant lizard running amok in Tokyo. Columbia University professors (the people who do the Pulitzer thing we've been talking about) say that story won last year because they couldn't understand what the Japanese news anchors were trying to say, and that salamanders being spotted in cities is a pretty common thing.

"We're having a yard sale over on North Fourth street," said a woman in Steubenville when we asked her about the announcement.

Animal Rights Groups Make Big Deal About Oglebay Letting Kids Slaughter Zoo Animals

WHEELING - The Good Zoo at Oglebay recently came under scrutiny from PETA, the ALF, liberals and other animal rights groups after the zoo announced plans for its newest exhibit. On Monday a spokesperson for Oglebay Resort told reporters that starting this summer, families will have the option to buy a pass that lets them eat any animal in the zoo. Tickets start at $150 each and were available to pre-order following the announcement. Sales set a new record previously held by Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II. Still, despite the enthusiasm shown locally, criticism quickly sprang up from around the nation. PETA president Ingrid Newkirk is traveling to Charleston to petition the state to put a stop to what Oglebay is dubbing the 'Animal BBQ' experience. This will be Newkirk's 47th visit to the West Virginia state capital this year alone.

"This is an outrage to animal lovers everywhere," said Newkirk. "This zoo is teaching our children how to lie and deceive animals into subjecting themselves to the dinner table."

The process of lying and deceiving that Ms. Newkirk refers to is part of the zoo's already existing 'Animal Encounters' package, where children can enter the exhibits and help the zookeepers train and feed the animals.

"We decided to include the 'Animal Encounters' package with the 'Animal BBQ' package for various reasons," said Clyde Donovan, a zoo manager. "The biggest reason we wanted to do this was to develop a relationship between the guest and the animal before the slaughtering. This helps the animal trust the guest, which is especially useful if you purchase the deluxe package."

The deluxe version of the 'Animal BBQ' package, priced at $175, lets visitors kill the zoo animal themselves by using a meat cleaver. For an additional $10 on top of the deluxe package, you have the option of choosing how you end the animal's life; using a shotgun, katana, lethal injection and running the animal over with a Jeep are just a few of the options available.

"For children under twelve it's required that they use a .22 caliber rifle," said Donovan. "They won't be strong enough to kill the animal swiftly otherwise and the shotgun might kick a little too hard for them."

Donovan says that families who purchase the package will be able to witness the entire process, from skinning to butchering then cooking.

"We wanted our guests to get the full experience," Donovan said proudly. "They'll be able to enjoy the freshest meat they will ever taste, as well as getting the opportunity to chow down on some animals that might not be around much longer."

Also announced on Monday was the zoo's decision to add many new exhibits of endangered species such as the Siberian Tiger, which brings speculation that the new animals will also be available to slaughter and consume. However, Donovan and Oglebay refused to elaborate any further.

"You'll just have to buy your tickets and see," said Donovan with a wink.

OVN Local Medley Issue #2

• Authorities in Bellaire say that Misty Rivero may have just saved an elementary school from tragedy. Rivero says that when she was dropping off her daughter, she noticed a Muslim man walking down the street. Rivero quickly called police and the man was arrested.

• The Boy Scouts of America hosted their annual Pinewood Derby at the Fort Steuben Mall last Saturday. 9 time winner Eagle Scout Dennis Douglas is now under investigation for using performance enhancing drugs.

• A homicide investigation has been opened in Tuscarawas County after police found a man's body in Conotton Creek. No hard evidence has been recovered yet but police did bring in a 25 pound carp for questioning.

• Wheeling Jesuit University hosted their annual prom dress re-sale event last week. As usual, none of the dresses sold due to the dresses being "so last season."

• Jefferson County commissioners voted this week to buy the downtown Steubenville Towers Building. The purchase was made on ebay for $750,000 plus $36 million for shipping and handling.

• Thomas Gyorko of Glen Dale is behind bars after he got into a fight with a woman over her cell phone. Police say that Gyorko used the phone's battery to bludgeon the woman over the head. Gyorko is being charged with 'assault with a battery'.

• Volunteers in Wheeling organized an event to give out free portraits in Wheeling to 'Share the Love'. Kindergartners from Wheeling Central captured moments for families who could not afford prints.

• Firefighters in St. Clairsville responded to a distress call on Bret Mar Lane on Monday. Authorities say that the firefighters bravely rescued a cat from a 45 feet tall pine tree.

• A Belmont County man is behind bars after being accused of soliciting sex acts from animals. Christopher Harding of Shadyside has been charged with gross and nasty sexual imposition after trying to get a cow to mate with cat.

• The Belmont County sheriff's department is investigating a case in Barnesville after a woman saw a man fleeing her home with her pet goldfish. The woman is offering a reward for any info.

• Weirton police need your help tracking down two men from a surveillance video at Holiday Lanes. The video was from a hidden camera in the bathroom showing the two drunken men stumbling around and peeing on the floor. Police submitted the video to America's Funniest Home Videos where it won first prize. The officers say they want to share the purse with the subjects in the video.

• The Small Business Development Center of Ohio and the Jefferson County Chamber of Commerce jointly held a seminar for local small business to help them better understand new tax laws and regulations. Organizers decided to 'spice things up' and fill the seminar with raunchy sexual innuendo to keep attendees from falling asleep or dying from boredom.

• Desare Bryant, 20, of Wheeling admitted in court to breaking into his own house and stealing various belongings. Bryant has been sentenced to prison for 3 to 45 years.

• The Wheeling-Ohio County Health Department is warning people to be cautious about people going door-to-door selling human meat without a health permit. The Health Department claims that human meat is very fatty and can cause gas when not treated properly.

• Trinity Health System held their annual Heartland event on Thursday at the Fort Steuben Mall. Local residents were encouraged to donate their hearts to people who needed heart transplant surgery.

• Officials in Wellsburg say that there will be a planned water outage on Friday. Residents are being told to use the bathroom in the Ohio River as well as bathe there while they work on the water lines.

• Urichsville police have apprehended 3 people who have reportedly stolen thousands of dollars from Tuscarawas County stores. The 3 are being accused of going store to store taking from the 'Take a Penny, Leave a Penny' dishes.

• Moundsville police are looking for a man who broke into Paree Insurance on Lafayette Avenue. The man broke in and stole the complimentary coffee and Dum-Dums suckers.

• A cement truck overturned on US Route 22 near Wintersville. The cement poured onto the roadway and filled several potholes.

• Crews in Wheeling are working on a building after bricks started falling from it. An emergency demolition has been ordered for the building amid concerns for the safety of the workers in the cocaine ring inside.

Archaeologists Still Determined to Find Dinosaur Fossils Along State Route 7

BRILLIANT - State Route 7 has been reduced to one lane near Brilliant since March of 2011 due to excavation crews working on the hillside. At a recent meeting with the Jefferson County Board of Trustees, researchers from the Smithsonian Institution told frustrated motorists that they would just have to be patient.

"We understand that the project is taking a long time," said Wally Dupree, who is leading the excavation. "But we're out there looking for dinosaur bones, it's not like we can just dig the whole hillside out."

The Smithsonian first arrived in Brilliant two years ago, when a local Boy Scout troop claimed that they discovered an Archaeopteryx fossil. The US government then claimed eminent domain on the hillside and the Smithsonian has been digging ever since.

"We dug up some sandstone on the very first day," Dupree said. "That's a good sign because we've found Spinosaurus and Giraffititan fossils in sandstone before. In fact, we've found sandstone every day since we first began; we have to be getting close."

Local residents have started to express doubt that the researchers will ever find the fossils.

"Them guys up there are just using toothbrushes and little garden shovels and some of them chisel things [sic]," said Rush Run resident Marlon Higgins.

"What the indigenous Valley people don't realize is that we need to be careful," Dupree said in response to the criticism. "We can't risk accidentally breaking one of the fossils."

The dig also came under fire late last year when the supposed Archaeopteryx fossil was discovered to actually be fossilized chicken remains. The Smithsonian still retains that the fossil is in fact an Archaeoptryx specimen after storing in a safety deposit box.

"The government's been covering up stuff like this for years," said Higgins. "They're lying to us so they can charge us more taxes to fund their stupid little dig."

Route 7 is scheduled to reopen to two full lanes in November of this year.

Tim Tebow Traded to St. John Central

BELLAIRE - Call the luck of the Irish if you will, but you cannot deny the negotiating genius of second year head coach Jason Merryman of Bellaire's St. John Central football team. On Saturday, the Irish concluded talks with the New York Jets to trade field goal holder Robbie Dunleavy for quarterback Tim Tebow. Tebow is coming off a terrific year warming the bench for Mark Sanchez and Greg McIlroy, a role he hopes he can perform better at St. John's. Tebow also believes that St. John's will be able to better utilize his Christianity abilities as well, something he struggled with in New York.

"I'm really excited for the opportunity to play for the Irish," said an overjoyed Tebow at yesterday's press conference. "St. John's has its own on-site church, which to me is more important than any other factor right now."

On the other side of the deal sits Dunleavy, who did not show much enthusiasm in playing for Rex Ryan's team. Dunleavy will be taken away from his parents and must now live in an apartment by himself in New Jersey. The 6'9", 117 pound freshman currently struggles with anorexia, and coach Ryan thinks that will be an important factor when Dunleavy makes the transition.

"We're planning on moving Robbie to starting tailback," Ryan told reporters. "He's so skinny that you can barely see him, so we're thinking that he might be able to score a touchdown every time he gets the ball."

The 14 year-old Dunleavy also has complications from a botched heart transplant, which Ryan thinks will also work to Dunleavy's advantage.

"It's going to make defenders scared to hit him if they even see him," Ryan said with a slight grin. "If they hit him too hard then he'll die, and I'm pretty sure [NFL commissioner] Goodell's got a hefty fine for that."

When asked whether or not Dunleavy will even want to play for the Jets due to the heavy odds against him, Ryan said that he doesn't think it will concern him.

"He doesn't understand that," Ryan laughed. "He has autism."

"I'll be praying for him," Tebow said when asked about Dunleavy.

Local Gang Worried that Obama Will Take Guns Hosts Turf War Fundraiser

STEUBENVILLE - Notorious Steubenville gang the Chicago Boys (right) will be taking to the streets today to raise money for their upcoming turf war over Historic North Fourth Street. The neighborhood is currently occupied by two different rival gangs and the Chicago Boys hope to change that by next weekend. Gang leader DeSean Meyers says that membership is up, but they need supplies to accommodate the new recruits.

"Yeah man I ain't never seen nothing like it," said Meyers. "[Every]body wants to join up but we ain't got enough guns or do-rags for everyone."

Unfortunately for the Chicago Boys, gun prices have recently skyrocketed due to increased demand. Meyers and his gang blame the price hike on president Barack Obama.

"I'll tell you what it is," Meyer explained. "It's that damned Obama. He's coming after our guns, man. And when he does, me and the boys will be waiting."

In response to the increased gun prices, the gang will be hosting several fundraisers around Steubenville today.

"We got a lot of people now," said veteran member LaQuinton Bowers. "So many that we can basically have every kind of fundraiser you can think of. There's numerous ways we can choose to earn funds."

The Boys will be hosting a bake sale at St. Peter's Church (left) on North Fourth, where they plan to sell an assortment of brownies and sugar-coated candies.

"That sugar make you real good man," said Bowers. "Real talk. Don't even get me started on them brownies. You'll be happy."

Each bag of brownies will also come with a free bag of Munchies snack mix. Along with the bag sale, the Chicago Boys will be having tag day as well as a rummage sale.

"I've been practicing my best tag day lines to convince people to donate," said Meyers. "Right now my favorite is: 'Give me all the money bitch!' I say that and show them my gun, that way they know where the money's going."

As for the rummage sale, the Chicago Boys will be selling a large collection of glassware. Most of the items will be vases such as the one on the right. Also being sold is a number of herbs and spices, some purses and wallets, assorted music CDs and auto parts such as hub caps.

OVN Local Medley Issue #1

• Kevin Strope, 53, of Cameron pleaded guilty to animal cruelty charges after many of his cows died from malnourishment. Judge Mark Karl decided against banning Strope from owning cows. His privileges will instead be suspended for 80 years, allowing him to own cows again when he breaks the old age record at 133.

• A 2 year-old girl who went missing from Preston County, WV was reportedly found safe at the Washington County shopping center in Pennsylvania. According to reports, the girl was missing for half an hour when police found her with her babysitter at the mall. The girl's mother called police after the babysitter didn't answer the phone when she was at work.

• A string of burglaries continued in Newell, WV this week. Police say that vandals broke in to the abandoned concession stand at Newell Memorial Field. Residents were outraged to learn that the thieves stole a bag of chips fifteen years past expiration.

• A Steubenville man's bond was set at $100,000 dollars after being charged with intimidating a witness. The man, Fred McShan, told reporters that he will raise the money by way of a bake sale.

• Westley Bowling of Toronto was arrested for violating his house arrest. Police say that he left his premises and tried to act like he was helping an 11-year old girl who had been run over by a car. 

• A Wetzel County teacher was suspended for a month without pay earlier this week for not following the school's code of conduct. The teacher reportedly told a student to work on his punctuality instead of screaming at him for being tardy.

• Former Water and Sewer Clerk for Smithfield Katherine Staten was indicted this week after claims that the town's water tasted 'fishy'.

• Catholic Charities of West Virginia said that that they are close to reaching their fundraising goals for their annual Mardi Gras celebration. The charity will provide local poor people a chance to get drunk, gamble and engage in as much 'dangerous' activity as possible just like everyone else celebrating the holiday.

• Police say that Derek Bradshaw and Charles Heathcote were arrested after robbing a home in Bellaire. Investigators say that the homeowner chased the burglars across multiple state lines on foot before police caught up with the group in New Jersey.

• The ringleader of the Amish beard and hair cutting attacks was sentenced to 15 years in prison this week. The aptly named Samuel Mullet will spend more time in prison than some people have for murder, rape, theft and kidnapping. "That will show them," said Judge Dan Aaron Polster.

• Wellsville residents said that they're happy police have shut down a 'nuisance' bar on Main St. Police say that local residents were complaining about the bar playing 'Sweet Home Alabama' on repeat every night.

• The Marshall County Health Department has voted to ban smoking in public outdoor areas. Officials say that they are tired of the fire department being called for false alarms when people mistake the smoke for house fires.

Dillonvale High School Now North Korean Embassy

DILLONVALE - After 32 years of sitting empty, the decaying shell that was once Dillonvale High School (right) has been sold to the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK), more commonly referred to as North Korea. The old school building closed after the 1971 school year when the area schools consolidated into the Buckeye Local School District. Like many other buildings in the small town, it has fallen into disrepair from its abandonment. Dillonvale Mayor Shelley Dulesky told OVN that she was contacted by North Korean Premier Choe Yong-rim about purchasing the property.

"They called our office and asked about public property that was for sale," said Dulesky. "I e-mailed them back pictures of the old high school and they responded pretty enthusiastically."

Supreme Leader of the DPRK Kim Jong-un claimed that this purchase is a major victory for the country, improving upon Dillonvale-North Korea relations as it will serve as the country's embassy to the village. Kim expressed hope that his country will be able to work with the government of Dillonvale better than the US State Department.

"The new embassy mirrors the resplendent characteristics of our beautiful nation," said Kim. "Our combined powers will be a force to be reckoned with. Through our partnership we will cement our status as an economic world power."

US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton warned the small town of 665 people that this 'is a very bad idea'.

"This completely undermines the authority of the federal government," said Clinton. "I called mayor Dulesky to tell her that she was making a mistake but she e-mailed me a picture of her with her thumbs in her ears and sticking her tongue out at me."

Newly appointed Ambassador to Dillonvale Park Young-nam told reporters what he hopes the embassy will accomplish.

"We want to use the school's old science labs to practice our new methods of uranium enrichment," Park said. "There's a ton of old science textbooks in there that we can use to further out knowledge. Another thing we are excited for is the gymnasium, which provides us a ton of space for, uh, experiments on things. It also has a big playground where we can try out our new ICBMs."

North Korea stated that local residents will be allowed to tour the building free of charge, provided that they stay on the premises for at least 25 months.

Di Carlo's Speeds Orders by Not Cooking Food

WHEELING - Di Carlo's Pizza announced today that customers can expect their pizzas to be ready for pickup or delivery in just under 30 seconds due to their revolutionary new method of preparing their food. President Toni DiCarlo says that starting next week, none of the food on the menu will be cooked.

"We sat down and evaluated the entire process from the bottom up," said DiCarlo. "We found that nearly 90 percent of the wait time for our food comes from the cooking process, so we decided to cut that part out."

The move will also save a large amount of money for the company by using less power from the ovens, as well as cutting down on costs associated with maintenance. Profits are expected to double as twice the amount of orders can now be processed. The new look (left) gives the already original pizza a new unique attribute.

"This will be the only place in the valley where you can order uncooked food," DiCarlo continued. "We didn't feel that the square shape and cardboard flavor was enough, so the move only felt like the right one."

Preview tastings were held at various Di Carlo's locations throughout the valley, and so far the public reaction has been overwhelmingly positive.

"The new pizza's great!" said Tiltonsville resident Wally Wonka. "It tastes exactly the same as it did before and they made it a bazillion times faster!"

DiCarlo also said that with the new influx of business, the franchise will introduce a new variety of foods that will also skip the cooking process. The new menu items will include wings, hamburgers, meat loaf and sausage.

EA Sports Announces OVAC Football 14

A big wish came true earlier today for local gamers as Electronic Arts announced the development of their new sports video game OVAC Football 2014, which will shine the spotlight on local high schools. Just like other games released by EA Sports this generation, OVAC Football will be released for Playstation 3, Xbox 360 and Wii U. The cover (right) will feature Martins Ferry standout ball hog Darrius Waterford. EA spokesperson Fritz Haynes says the company hopes that the new series will spark an interest in American football in international markets.

"OVAC Football showcases the true beauty of American football," said Haynes. "The traditions of the various high schools, the competitiveness and the local pride is unchallenged. We hoped to showcase this in the game."

OVAC Football will introduce a number of new features and game modes new to EA football games. Similar to the 'Road to Glory' mode in the NCAA Football series and the 'Superstar' mode in the Madden series, this game will introduce the 'Jock' game mode, which allows players to take control of an up and coming pop-warner star. The player will then be automatically be assigned a high school based on where they live. An option to entice the player's parents to divorce will also be included, allowing the user to change schools. Mini-games to improve the player's abilities include making your cheerleader girlfriend cry in front of the entire hallway and embarrassing less athletic students during gym class.

"We're very proud to introduce 'Jock mode'," said Haynes. "It really captures what it's like to be a high school football stand-out."

Another new game mode will give players the option to assume the role of a middle-school student fan on the sidelines. In this mode one can play a watered-down version of football with their friends while they are at the game, at the same time being berated by older fans who are 'just trying to watch the damn game.' A scrapped game mode would have let the player assume the role of a student in the marching band, but EA had to toss the idea fearing a rating change by the ESRB.

"In order to capture the full spirit of being in the band, we would have to add some...questionable things," Haynes said. "And if we added said 'things' our rating would have changed from 'E for Everyone' to 'M for Mature'."

OVAC Football 14 is set to hit shelves on July 17th.

Sheriff Abdalla Eats a Kitten on Live TV

STEUBENVILLE - Sheriff Fred Abdalla has been recently seen followed by a film crew while he is on the job. Speculation was that Abdalla (right) would be a subject on the History Channel's new show Sheriff Wars, but those rumors were shot down during a press conference earlier this week. In fact, as revealed at said press conference, Abdalla will be starring in a new show titled Super Fred that focuses on himself engaging in 'outrageous' behavior.

"We had to think of a way to get the sheriff's popularity back up," said deputy Gunther Hawkins. "He's been called out recently for a number of reasons and we needed the public back on our side."

The pilot episode received widespread acclaim from a number of critics. The New York Times wrote that: "Mr. Abdalla handles the outlandish scenarios with style and aplomb, which is what the community needs from him right now."

The first episode was broadcast live nationally on NBC and featured Abdalla in Naples Spaghetti House, his favorite restaurant. Instead of ordering house favorites such as shrimp pasta or rigatoni, Abdalla simply asked for a live kitten. He then devoured the young feline in front of the horrified Naples crowd while seemingly sending a message to the online community.

"I've been a target of ridicule on the internet lately," said Abdalla. "This'll show them not to mess with Fred."

Adam Richman of the Travel Channel's Man vs Food told reporters that he was humbled by Abdalla's feat.

"I've never seen anything like it," said the shell-shocked Richman. "The thing was scratching the inside of his throat and he didn't even flinch. Heck, he didn't even have a drink!"

Next week's episode of Super Fred will feature Abdalla rollerblading downhill on John Scott Highway towards U.S. route 22 during rush hour against traffic. He will also attempt to jump over the Ohio River on a dirt bike, as well as respond to domestic disturbance calls dressed as Elvis Presley.

Franciscan U Students Help Unconscious Drunk Girl, Will Receive Some Kind of Award

STEUBENVILLE - A party in the Franciscan University of Steubenville's Padua Hall (right) got a little crazier than the hosting students originally anticipated, with many people gatecrashing the party and bringing more beer. By the end of the night, a girl who had attended the party fell unconscious in the bathroom.

"I walked in to take a pee after most of the party had gone but there was a girl lying on the toilet," said party host Connor Patrick. "I didn't want to pee on her so I moved her off the toilet and into a sitting position against the wall."

When he was done in the restroom, Patrick told his roommates about the girl inside.

"He was really concerned," said roommate Doug Kirkpatrick. "So we went in there to check on her and it didn't look too good."

"She was lying in her own vomit," said Lance Fitzpatrick, another roommate. "She looked pretty pale too."

The three roommates picked the girl up and carried her to their couch where they covered her with blankets and left her a cup of water and a dish to puke in. The fourth roommate returned home a few minutes later.

"I thought her roommate might be worried that she wouldn't be coming home," David Kilpatrick told us. "So I looked her up on Facebook and found her roommate. Then I looked into her phone for the number and called her to tell her what was going on."

The girl, 19 year old Annie Gilpatrick, lives across campus and the male students figured it would not be safe to make her attempt to walk home unconscious. A video of Kirkpatrick bragging about helping the girl to his roommates soon surfaced on Youtube.

"Dudes, she's totally going to be okay," says Kirkpatrick in the video. "She's going to be more okay than Will Smith at the end of Pursuit of Happyness. She's going to be more okay than Middle Earth after the ring was destroyed. She's going to be more okay than Red and Andy Dufresne at the end of The Shawshank Redemption."

The actions of the "Good Samaritan Crew" are being criticized by students' peers on twitter (right). We called local party etiquette expert Michael Nodianos to hear his input on how the students should have proceeded.

"If she's unconscious she's fair game man," said Nodianos. "She's on your floor, that means she's just asking for it. I just don't understand these Frannies bro."

A friend of Nodianos', Cody Saltsman, said that the girl didn't deserve that kind of treatment.

"I have no respect for whores," said Saltsman. "She got drunk, that means she is a whore. Whores aren't worthy of my attention."

We stopped by a few local gas stations to see what area residents had to say about the issue.

"You media types are doing nothing good for this," said Weirton resident Beth Meyers. "All you're doing is covering up the story and not giving it the attention it deserves." She said this while we were covering the story.

"Any girl who gets drunk at a party is just asking for trouble," said Marcus Redford, a local asshole. "She should have had something stolen at least. If she had been raped, she would have been asking for it."

Others felt that Kirkpatrick was being overly smug about helping someone.

"So you carried her to a couch and put some blankets on her. Big deal," said Steubenville native Traci Lords. "What do you want, some kind of award?"

The city of Steubenville later announced that the "Good Samaritan Crew" will receive 'some kind of award' for their kindness.

New Job-Mart Hands Out Free Jobs to Local Homeless People

TRIADELPHIA - A large crowd of homeless people and young teenagers eagerly waited outside the new Job-Mart (right) in the Highlands today, as the highly anticipated arrival of the store brings many new job opportunities to local homeless people. Job-Mart was founded in 1992 to give people who are down on their luck something to do.

"There's a ton of things that people don't understand about getting jobs," said regional director Ferdinand Marcos. "They tell homeless people to get a job but they don't realize the roadblocks that being homeless brings. Businesses usually don't like to hire homeless people, but we'll hire anybody."

In order to be legally employed at a business, a potential employee must fill out a form I-9 to verify that the person is eligible to work in the United States. In order to complete the form, a home address must be provided. Sometimes a home address is hard for homeless people to acquire.

"We forge that part," said Marcos.

A social security number is also required to complete the form I-9. It is reasonable to assume that many homeless people wouldn't know their social security number.

"We forge that part," said Marcos.

Lastly, a person needs to present to an employer with a non-expired form of identification and a form that verifies worker eligibility. A U.S. passport is accepted as establishing both identification and eligibility. A driver's license may be presented, but must be accompanied with a social security card or a birth certificate. A recent report showed that a shocking number of homeless people don't own cars and thus, have no driver's license. They also sparingly travel abroad, so they usually don't have passports either.

"We forge that part," said Marcos.

Job-Mart has a wide variety of jobs available for potential employees. Seen left is Warwood resident Enver Hoxha, whose job is to hammer nails into a wall for eight hours a day. One local resident described how Job-Mart is turning his life around.

"I used to be homeless," said Wheeling man Francois Duvalier. "Until one day a polite gentleman yelled at me to get a job. That thought had never occurred to me before. So I strolled right on into Job-Mart and they just up and handed me a job!"

Duvalier's job at Job-Mart is to play in a pool of paint, as well as dumping glue on kittens.

"We don't really have any revenue," said manager Stephen Harper. "We aren't a business and we don't sell anything, we just hand out jobs for people to do."

4 White People Arrested For Robbing a Convenient Food Mart

WHEELING - Authorities in Wheeling say that a group of white people were arrested earlier today when they held the cashier of a Convenient Food Mart (right) at gunpoint and demanded money from the register and stole a variety of groceries. The cashier, 107 year-old Bessie Cook, said that the white people were wearing masks, but could tell that they were white from the way that they were speaking.

"They sounded out every word they said," said Cook, who doesn't have hair. "Especially the words that ended in 'r', that's how I knew right there."

Surveillance footage shows the white people escaping from the convenience store in a Toyota Prius after knocking Cook to the ground. The fall set off Cook's LifeAlert necklace, notifying the Wheeling Police Department of the situation.

"All senior citizens should have LifeAlert," said Cook.

It did not take police long to track down the suspects.

"I was driving down National Road near Wheeling Park when I heard a car playing very loud music," said officer Allan Barbrady. "When I drove up closer I noticed that the car was occupied by a group of white people listening to Barry Manilow. I promptly pulled them over."

When officers searched the car they found one-hundred dollars worth of stolen Starbucks coffee and soy milk. The suspects matched the description of the perpetrators given in Cook's statement to police. The white people were then taken to the West Virginia Northern Regional Jail. The names of the white people have not yet been released.

Local Anti-Abortion Rally Backfires When God Admits to Being Pro-Choice

ST. CLAIRSVILLE - A pro-life rally in St. Clairsville had hopes of changing abortion law in the state of Ohio, but a visit by the Lord himself polarized the crowd of around 15. The rally was headed by St. Clairsville Church of Christ elder Skip Gooch, who performed the same ritual to summon God as the prophet Elijah did in 1 Kings chapter 18. Gooch built an altar to God at the rally, then brought in a cow from a local farm. The cow was chopped into pieces and thrown into a pit where it was drenched with water. Gooch then asked God to burn the cow and He did. Then, to the delight of the pro-life crowd, Gooch asked God to speak to them about the horrors of abortion.

"Um, I'm actually pro-choice," said Mr. God. "You know, didn't you guys get the whole memo about free will?"

The statements drew many boos and catcalls from the crowd, most of whom would not be swayed from their stance.

"That's not what God meant to say!" said Merriam Webster, an English teacher at St. Clairsville High School. "What He meant to say was that the fetus should have the choice as to whether or not it wants to born."

In an interview with God after the rally, we asked Him to clarify His meaning.

"Ok, I'll try to make this as clear as I possibly can for you people but it's getting frustrating," said Mr. God as he sipped the new winter latte from Starbucks. "I fully support the right of a woman to make the choice to end her pregnancy. I will take care of the baby; leave that to me. I do not give a fetus cognitive perception until the third trimester of pregnancy so it wouldn't feel a thing."

We then showed the interview footage to other people who attended the rally.

"What God said was just a metaphor," said Luke McKinnon. "He always speaks in riddles, that's why I love Him so much."

"What does God know about pregnancy?" said Dr. Stephan Kozar of Wheeling Hospital. "Is He a scientist? No. I am a medical professional and I can tell you that an unborn baby is as good as a birthed one."

One person in the crowd simply accepted God's stance and quietly walked away. A few others refused to believe that God even spoke these words.

"Nope, God didn't say that," said rally-goer Stephanie Anderson. We then replayed the footage on our camera for her. "Nope, he didn't say it," she said as she put her fingers in her ears. "Lalalalala can't hear you!"

West Virginia Schools to Combat Declining Obesity Rates

CHARLESTON - According to West Virginia officials, the health of the state's children is improving. The news could not have come at a worse time for the state's school system, which last month saw an increase in the students' standardized test scores. The West Virginia Department of Education released a statement regarding the matter, saying they will take steps to reverse the recent 'improvements'.

"It's a shame," said West Virginia state superintendent of schools James Phares. "We were getting close to the 65 percent obesity goal that we had set a few years ago but now we are facing another setback."

Several experts blame the weight loss on the bankruptcy of bakery company Hostess.

"Our school's vending machines used to carry all kinds of Hostess foods," said Brooke High School principal  Toni Shute. "But they went out of business and we were forced to put apples and carrots in our vending machines.

Most students were unfavorable of the change to fruits and vegetables in the vending machines, especially after the food sat in the machines for a few days.

"The kids liked the healthy foods at first," said Shute. "But after a couple of days the fruit and veggies began to mold and the children don't like that as much as I do."

Back at the state level, Phares told us to expect some major changes in the near future.

"We're going to replace some classes with new ones," Phares said. "Obviously physical education needs to be thrown out. We're replacing that with World of Warcraft class, which will provide the same team building skills just without the physical stress."

Phares hopes that the new measure can kill two birds with one stone.

"We're looking to replace history classes and English classes with ones that focus on real-life challenges," Phares continued. "We're discussing educating our students on how to shop at Aldi and Big Lots, and hopefully removing those other classes will also drop the test scores."

We are also being told by our inside sources that home economics classes will be overhauled to simply teach students how to properly order delivery food as well as drive-thru etiquette.

Student Enters School with Scissors, None Injured

WHEELING - Tragedy was narrowly averted earlier today when a young girl walked into Madison Elementary School (right) armed with a pair  of Fiskars Junior Scissors. This near-disaster takes place with the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary still fresh in our minds. School principal Nicolette Kacmarik told OVN that the eight-year old entered the building at 7:15 A.M., which just so happens to be when the rest of the students arrive.

"She came in on a school bus and blended in well with the other students," Kacmarik said. "Nobody could pick her out from the crowd."

The weapon was very carefully concealed within the girl's backpack. Early reports are identifying the suspect as eight-year old Kaitlyn Maher (left), whose teachers said they had no idea she was capable of such moral deficiency.

"She was always very nice," said Hezbollah Studies teacher Mustafa Nazrullah. "She shared with the other students and had lots of friends."

Mr. Nazrullah, two other teachers, and custodian Rusty Cox are being hailed as heroes.

"I walked into the classroom to take out the trash when I saw the little girl trying to cut out a picture of 'My Pretty Pony'," said Cox. "I screamed as loud as I possibly could to alert the school of the situation. Then I ran outside and hid."

The Valley will recognize Cox as a former champion of the West Virginia Toughman Contest. Now he will be remembered for his bravery outside the ring. Authorities arrived promptly to the scene and subdued Maher with a well placed taser shot to the face. Teachers have commented that Maher's motivations were most likely fueled by mental health issues.

"I mean she probably had autism," said teacher Lydia Brown. "Or something like Asperger's Syndrome but we can't really know."

"Kaitlyn Maher had what's known as Attention Deficit Disorder," said math teacher Leroy Jenkins. "It's a very rare disorder and it caused her to go on her rampage." Jenkins heads the Wheeling-wide ADD awareness society.

"I think Kaitlyn had cerebral palsy," said Dorothy Parker, another teacher. "That's why she did it."

The incident turns up the heat on the highly debated scissors control issue. Local residents are worried that they won't be able to purchase scissors in the future.

"This is it," said Wheeling Island resident Dean Fouts. "The liberals and that commie Obama are just going to eat this up. We live in this marshmallow society where one bad thing happens and everything gets screwed up. Well, reality is a S'mores society. Sometimes things get gooey."

"We are guaranteed under the forty-seventh amendment the right to bear scissors," said Francis Sever, another islander. "Obama wants to take away what our forefathers guaranteed to us!"

Currently, federal law only bans the use of automatic assault scissors. We'll continue to follow this story as new developments arise.