Local Anti-Abortion Rally Backfires When God Admits to Being Pro-Choice

ST. CLAIRSVILLE - A pro-life rally in St. Clairsville had hopes of changing abortion law in the state of Ohio, but a visit by the Lord himself polarized the crowd of around 15. The rally was headed by St. Clairsville Church of Christ elder Skip Gooch, who performed the same ritual to summon God as the prophet Elijah did in 1 Kings chapter 18. Gooch built an altar to God at the rally, then brought in a cow from a local farm. The cow was chopped into pieces and thrown into a pit where it was drenched with water. Gooch then asked God to burn the cow and He did. Then, to the delight of the pro-life crowd, Gooch asked God to speak to them about the horrors of abortion.

"Um, I'm actually pro-choice," said Mr. God. "You know, didn't you guys get the whole memo about free will?"

The statements drew many boos and catcalls from the crowd, most of whom would not be swayed from their stance.

"That's not what God meant to say!" said Merriam Webster, an English teacher at St. Clairsville High School. "What He meant to say was that the fetus should have the choice as to whether or not it wants to born."

In an interview with God after the rally, we asked Him to clarify His meaning.

"Ok, I'll try to make this as clear as I possibly can for you people but it's getting frustrating," said Mr. God as he sipped the new winter latte from Starbucks. "I fully support the right of a woman to make the choice to end her pregnancy. I will take care of the baby; leave that to me. I do not give a fetus cognitive perception until the third trimester of pregnancy so it wouldn't feel a thing."

We then showed the interview footage to other people who attended the rally.

"What God said was just a metaphor," said Luke McKinnon. "He always speaks in riddles, that's why I love Him so much."

"What does God know about pregnancy?" said Dr. Stephan Kozar of Wheeling Hospital. "Is He a scientist? No. I am a medical professional and I can tell you that an unborn baby is as good as a birthed one."

One person in the crowd simply accepted God's stance and quietly walked away. A few others refused to believe that God even spoke these words.

"Nope, God didn't say that," said rally-goer Stephanie Anderson. We then replayed the footage on our camera for her. "Nope, he didn't say it," she said as she put her fingers in her ears. "Lalalalala can't hear you!"