SHOCKING! Check Out These Ohio Valley Celebs Before Photoshop!

THE WOMAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
News 7's Rachael Dierkes grew up right here in the valley down in Shadyside, but have you ever noticed anything strange? It takes lots of makeup to hide it, but Dierkes was actually born with a rare condition known as face inversion, which means her face is actually upside-down on her otherwise normal head! Yikes! But Dierkes isn't the only member of WTRF hiding a congenital disorder.

THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
Dr. Dave Walker is known for his striking resemblance to Bill Nye the Science Guy as well as being a meteorologist for Storm Tracker 7. Thanks to an excellent A/V editing squad over at WTRF, Walker is able to hide his conjoined twin, a Mexican man named Pepe who is attached to Walker's neck. It's not only news people who are hiding deformities in the valley, though.




THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
Joe Zelek is a graduate of Buckeye Local High School and a very popular local country musician, but he has never hidden the fact that he is part spider. Before performances, Zelek uses a special mask to hide his six extra eyes. However, in music videos these are usually edited out. Joe has always said that his biggest wish was that he would have been born with eight arms instead of eight eyes, that way he could play all of the instruments in his songs at once! If you thought that was shocking, check out some of these other wacky celebs!






THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
Fred Abdalla has been sheriff of Jefferson County for a long time, like a really long time! Most of the general public think they know what he looks like, but did you know it's all a ruse? Abdalla simply uses a combination of makeup and photoshop to blend in with the crowd, and so criminals don't know what he looks like when he's off the job. Here he is on vacation sunbathing in the Ohio River! Think he's the only local politician who uses a disguise? You thought wrong!

THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
Lou Gentile is the Senator for the 30th district in the Ohio General Assembly, but do any of you know where he originated from? Gentile is actually a cartoon character from a long ago cancelled TV series on Adult Swim. Who knew? Well, nobody did until old footage surfaced of a tossed pilot episode of a shelved series named Boink-Boink! When confronted about it, Gentile publicly admitted last month that he really was animated and issued an apology. What could possibly top that you ask?







THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW
Robert Murray is an ancient demon from under the surface of Earth who rises every thousand years to harvest the souls of job seeking Americans and trap them underground in his lair. Of course, everybody already knows this (what, have you been living under a rock!?), but it takes a team of 14 photoshoppers to alter Murray's appearance to make him look human. The more you know!

Ma'Lik Richmond Rescues Orphan Children From Fire

STEUBENVILLE - In a true display of the desolation of humanity, the No Child Left Behind orphanage in downtown Steubenville burned to the ground last night. Ohio Fire Marshal Larry Flowers said that arson was the likely cause.

"We found several signs that lead us to believe that one or more accelerants were used," said Flowers. "Only the worst kind of person would burn down an orphanage. All those children would be dead if not for that boy."

Indeed, the orphans owe their lives to one unlikely hero...Steubenville football player Ma'Lik Richmond.

"We were at a party last night celebrating our win against JFK," said coach Reno Saccoccia. "Next thing I know, over the loud music and debauchery, I heard screaming and I saw the fire. Then I saw Ma'Lik running towards it."

Fire crews were already outside the blaze, as were several news outlets (Ohio Valley News among them), when Richmond arrived at the scene, and they told him that there was no chance to rescue the children.

"We mustn't lose hope!" Richmond urged the firemen as he kicked the door to the building down and stormed the foyer, still wearing his football uniform.

Minutes later, he emerged from the building carrying three orphans on his shoulders. Still, the firemen urged Richmond to not re-enter the building.

"You've done all you can," said Pete Miller, a 19-year veteran of the fire department. "The whole thing's coming down!"

Richmond seemed undeterred.

"There's still more children inside!"

Without a second thought, Ma'Lik Richmond ran back into the inferno. When he exited the second time, he had a child under his arm, another on his shoulders, and five more on a makeshift sled that he pulled with his free hand.

"That's all of them," Miller told Richmond. "Now stand aside so we can put this thing out!"

However, one of the children tugged on Richmond's now torn and burnt football jersey.

"Mr. Waffles is still inside!" the little boy cried hysterically.

"Mr. Waffles?" asked Richmond curiously.

"Our puppy!" said another child.

Richmond lifted the little orphan boy's head gently from under his chin.

"You must stay strong child," he said softly.

However, after Richmond entered the third time, the building came crashing down around him after five minutes. This morning, as the fire marshal sifted through the rubble, Richmond's body was discovered curled into the fetal position.

"When we found him, he was twitching slightly," said Marshal Flowers. "We thought he might still be alive, but he had no pulse. That's when we discovered the golden retriever puppy."

The fire marshal determined that as the building collapsed, Richmond curled himself into a protective ball, thus sacrificing himself for the orphan children's dog.

"Mr. Waffles!" the little orphan boy shouted as the puppy leaped into his arms, licking his face.

In Richmond's honor, Flowers stood atop the rubble and gave a speech of lamentation to a large crowd that had gathered at the scene.

"Ma'Lik Richmond," he said. "Let this be a testament to the fact that no matter what actions you have partaken in, no matter your achievements or accomplishments, you will always be remembered in our hearts as something beyond that. In the Ohio Valley, you will always be remembered as 'The Steubenville Rapist'."

State Highway Patrol Grants Entire Force Vacation for Labor Day

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Citing all the hard work the state troopers have done this year, the St. Clairsville post of the Ohio Highway Patrol has granted its entire force vacation for Labor Day.

"We've been really busy these last few summer holidays," said Lt. James Faunda. "On Independence Day alone we had 10 drunken driving arrests and over a thousand traffic stops, so I think it's time our post had a day off."

The Ohio Department of Transportation has predicted one of the most heavily traveled weekends in recent memory, and Faunda believes that the increase in traffic is too much work for the police department.

"It is called 'Labor Day' for a reason, isn't it?" asked Faunda. "Why should we have to work even harder on a day that is supposed to be about taking a break from work?"

Faunda also said that the decision can be seen as a sort of 'community outreach' attempt.

"We've busted so many drunk drivers over the years," he said. "I think they've learned their lesson by now. Besides, what kind of police officers are we if we don't show the community that we trust them?"

$1 Billion Pure Soot Plant Coming to Monroe County

CLARINGTON - Monroe County has faced several devastating blows to its economy in recent years, such as the closing of the Ormet plant, but it seems that there is a finally some light at the end of the tunnel. Texas industrial giant Pollution Services Worldwide has announced plans to build a one-billion-dollar soot factory along the bank of the Ohio River in Clarington. Mayor Doug Wagner told Ohio Valley News that the plant will create more than 200,000 jobs in the Ohio Valley.

"Yes, that's a six-digit figure," said Wagner. "Most of the plant's day-to-day operations is simply creating and releasing black smoke into the sky. It doesn't require any kind of skill, so anyone can do it. The majority of jobs will just be people dumping diesel, coal, gas and oil onto a large fire."

According to Wagner, the pollution created from the plant will open up more jobs through a ripple effect.

"All of Monroe County is going to be covered in black ash by November," he said. "So we'll have to hire a bunch of people to clean it up. Hopefully we can also create more demand for local doctors if we can successfully give enough people cancer."

The plant will also dump pure sulfur dioxide directly into the Ohio River, which Wagner says will help feed less fortunate people in the town.

"We're aiming to kill as many fish as we possibly can in the river," he said. "Fish float when they die, so poorer folks can simply walk down to the wharf and scoop up some dead fish if they're hungry."

Wheeling Mayor Andy McKenzie Drowns in Ice Bucket Challenge Accident

WHEELING - A charity event held at Heritage Port in Wheeling turned tragic when mayor Andy McKenzie got his head stuck in a 5-gallon bucket and drowned in front of terrified onlookers.

The event was supposed to help raise awareness for Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig's disease.

"This was supposed to be a great day for the city," said councilman Eugene Fahey. "We even brought in Stephen Hawking to speak about his own battle with the condition."

Famed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking spoke to the crowd before taking part in the "Ice Bucket Challenge" himself.

"Well, we didn't really tell him what we were going to do," said Fahey. "Sheriff Pat Butler just ran up behind him with the bucket and dumped it on him."

The water caused Hawking's computer to explode, sending him to the hospital with severe burns and destroying his latest research.

"Everybody keeps looking at me like I'm some kind of jerk," Butler told reporters. "But he's paralyzed from the neck down. I'm sure he didn't feel a thing."

The event ended abruptly when Mayor McKenzie decided to take part in the challenge himself.

"Andy wanted to use his own water because he doesn't trust the water from the city lines," said Fahey. "But the ice he was using melted on the way over so we put his bucket in the freezer."

That decision proved deadly, as the surface of the water froze creating a layer of ice on the top of the bucket.

"Sheriff Butler tried to dump it on him, but it was frozen on top and the water wouldn't come out," Fahey continued. "So he just shoved the whole bucket down on Andy's head and he couldn't get it back off."

The break in the ice refroze around the mayor's neck, trapping him inside.

"I pried the bucket off after about 15 minutes," said Butler. "I would have gotten it off sooner but I really had to use the restroom."

Sheriff Butler attempted to use CPR, but failed to resuscitate the mayor.

"We're not really allowed to give mouth-to-mouth in West Virginia," said Butler. "It's too gay, so I went over to my car and got my air compressor."

McKenzie was pronounced dead at 2:34 p.m. Memorial services have not yet been scheduled, but Butler says he will help McKenzie finish the challenge at the showing.

"We made a promise to the city of Wheeling to leave no job undone," said Butler. "I know Andy would have wanted this. So I'll dump the water on his body myself in his honor."

Lauttamus Security Battle Droids Cause Controversy in the Ohio Valley

WEIRTON - A Hancock County judge will hear a class-action lawsuit tomorrow filed by the American Civil Liberties Union against Lauttamus Communications. The lawsuit seeks compensation for damages to property, injuries and death caused by the company's recent line of security battle droids. West Virginia ACLU president Marybeth Beller says that the state has ignored many laws broken by the company.

"It's completely irresponsible," she said. "The Northern Panhandle has become a war zone lately and our elected officials have done absolutely nothing to address the problem."

Last week, Weirton residents protested in front Lauttamus's corporate office after a security bot incinerated a 90-year-old man who was sniffing flowers on private property. Governor Earl Ray Tomblin addressed the issue, saying that a referendum passed by popular vote allowing this type of vigilantism.

"This is what West Virginia wanted," said Tomblin. "That man, like it or not, was trespassing in order to smell those flowers."

The referendum adjusted West Virginia's castle laws last year, allowing residents to deal with trespassers in whatever manner they deemed necessary.

"You just never know what people on your property might be up to," said Tomblin. "The safety of any West Virginian's family always comes first in my book."

Amid Hancock County's controversial public smoking ban, Lauttamus announced today that all security battle droids will be fitted with smoke detectors and heat seeking missiles free of charge.

Terrified Ryan Eldredge Forced Onto News 9 Rocket

STEUBENVILLE - Claiming that the increased altitude will allow him to see more of the Ohio Valley than anyone in the world, producers at News 9 put reporter/anchor Ryan Eldredge onto a recently purchased Saturn V rocket originally built for the Apollo program.

"This is going to help out our weather reports a great deal," said chief meteorologist Kevin Carter. "He'll be up above the clouds and can witness weather patterns first hand."

Eldredge protested that idea as he was being shoved into the rocket.

"I don't know anything about meteorology!" he screamed, kicking at his captors.

Erica Mokay told Ohio Valley News that having Eldredge in the sky will allow the news team to bring breaking news to viewers faster than ever.

"We cover a pretty large territory," she said. "Ryan Eldredge has like 20/5 vision. He can read the teleprompter from 400 feet away!"

Again, Eldredge offered a rebuttal.

"I was using binoculars! Please let me go!" he shouted to whomever would listen.

Rob Metzger said Eldredge will help fill a large hole left by the hospitalized Aly Cohen.

"Aly lost her gun duel with Fred Abdalla," said Metzger. "Luckily all 37 shots missed her vital organs and she's in stable condition. At least we'll have Ryan in the sky watching every game at once."

Eldredge begged to differ.

"How am I supposed to watch a football game from outer space?" he contested.

Also, due to budget cuts, the module Eldredge was supposed to ride in was scrapped at the junkyard. The news team was forced to tie him onto the rocket's exterior with ratchet straps.

"Please!" Eldredge yelled, to no avail. "Let me down! I'm scared of heights!"

His colleagues stood by and drank banana coladas as they watched their coworker venture into the unknown.

"Bye-bye Ryan!" yelled Crissy Clutter as she waved enthusiastically.

Eldredge is scheduled to land in the Pacific Ocean in about 3 years.

Martins Ferry Announces Plan to Lay Gravel on Route 7

MARTINS FERRY - Residents of Martins Ferry say that they are fed up with crossing the railroad tracks that pass over Route 7, and mayor Paul Riethmiller is acting on those frustrations.

"We can't actually repave the highway ourselves because the Department of Transportation has control of it," he said. "But what we are allowed to do is cover the entire thing in gravel."

Reactions to the decision were mixed, but Riethmiller believes that the majority of people will find the gravel to be an improvement.

"It's significantly cheaper," he said. "That means we'll be able to lower taxes. Also, there's much less upkeep needed on a gravel road. Trucks spill rocks on it every single day, and we always have to stop traffic in order to clean it up. Now it'll just blend right in. There won't be any potholes in the road ever again. There won't be slick spots caused by ice. It's an all-round improvement."

Some commuters remain opposed to the plan, however, saying that gravel doesn't actually address the problem.

"I've heard the mayor's arguments," said West Wheeling resident Barack Obama. "That doesn't actually solve the problems those tracks cause to my Daewoo. A train's just going to come through and push the gravel out of the way and it will be much worse. In fact, trains are probably going to derail."

Riethmiller says that if the trains travel fast enough, that problem will be averted.

"If the train speeds up to about 95 miles per hour, it will hit the gravel hard enough to jump over the entire highway," he said.

Big Red Players Don Paper Bags And Lose Numbers to Hide Ma'Lik Richmond

STEUBENVILLE - Much to the dismay of figuratively everyone but surprise to literally nobody, Steubenville Big Red football coach Reno Saccoccia has allowed Ma'Lik Richmond to rejoin the football team at Steubenville High School. Richmond was convicted of raping a girl from West Virginia at a party in 2012. Saccoccia told reporters earlier today that the team will no longer wear numbers and will be required to wear paper bags on their heads so nobody knows which one is Richmond.

"Every game we play this year, we're going to have hecklers in the stands shouting at Richmond," said Saccoccia. "Home or away, I can guarantee you they will be there. I'm actually very interested to hear the names they call him. Students can be quite creative."

This most recent announcement follows the news that Richmond will also be allowed to rejoin the Steubenville Chess Club and the Boy Scouts of America. All three announcements have sparked wide outrage in the town.

"Look at that little smile on his face," said Steubenville resident Ramsay Snow. "If it were up to me, I would cut the skin off of his bones and make Reno wear it as a shirt."

Snow, along with other Steubenville residents, suggested punishments that the district should give to Richmond at the last school board meeting.

"I say an eye for an eye," remarked Sonya Daniels. "He should be tied to a school bus and paraded around town while Jellybean the Clown sodomizes him with one of her balloons."

Wintersville native Clint Boykin, much like the majority of people, suggested a much less barbaric form of punishment.

"Hang the damn bastard," he said, sporting a 'Free Trent Mays' shirt. "In front of his family. Leave him there until he rots and falls out of the noose."

Richmond said that aside from the very small number of people that hate him, life has continued on as normal since his release.

"It's been great," he said through the mouth hole in his paper bag. "I just got my date for homecoming this year. In fact, I just got back from her house. I met her parents and we all went out to eat at Olive Garden."

Steubenville's first game of the season is this Thursday, against John F. Kennedy High School from Cleveland. Steubenville is the heavy favorite, but the paper bags may level the odds.

"We have a ton of work to do," said Saccoccia. "We've got players running into each other and jumping straight out of bounds. I told our tight end to run a flag route and he got hit by a car."

As expected, coach Saccoccia told us that he has a 'Plan B'.

"Off the record," he said, rolling a cyanide pill in his fingers. "Their Gatorade might taste a little funky. We'll do whatever it takes."

Off the record? Screw you Reno.

Steubenville Accidentally Sets New Curfew For Daytime Instead of Night

STEUBENVILLE - In an effort to keep children inside their houses while the adults shoot at each other outside, the city of Steubenville tried to implement a curfew. The plan was to require teenagers ages 16 and 17 to be inside between 11 p.m. and 5 a.m. However, when Steubenville mayor Domenick Mucci signed the curfew into law, he didn't notice the 'a.m.' and 'p.m.' had been switched around.

"Oh son of a bitch!" Mucci screamed when the error was pointed out by News 7 reporter D.K. Wright at a news conference.

As it stands, teens in Steubenville must be inside their homes by 11 in the morning, and stay inside until 5 in the afternoon. When asked if the city police department could simply ignore the new law, Mucci said that it was impossible.

"No, no, no that's not how any of this works," he said. "If we want to change the times for the curfew, we have to draft up a whole new one. Then we have to deliberate. Then we have to listen to [Steubenville councilman] Gerald DiLoreto talk about why we don't need a curfew. Then we have to hold a town hall meeting. Then we need to vote again. Trust me, Bill McCafferty really doesn't listen to me."

Police Chief William McCafferty said that he understands that the city council made a mistake, but he is also sworn to uphold the law.

"Look, they made a typo, I get it," said McCafferty. "But the law's the law, and this is the law now. If you're a teenager and you're outside during the day, you're going to be arrested."

McCafferty said that the curfew was drafted after a teenager was found with 20 bags of heroin during a traffic stop.

"All we ask is that if the kids are going to use heroin, they need to use it within the safety of their own homes," said McCafferty.

Melinda Young, Steubenville City School's interim superintendent, said that the mistake means that school will have to be held in the early morning hours.

"We can't force the kids to go outside and break the law," she said. "So school will now be held from 10 at night until 5:30 in the morning."

Mingo Junction Voted Top Ten City to Raise a Family

MINGO JUNCTION - In an article released by Forbes magazine earlier this week, Mingo Junction was voted the #7 city in America to raise a family. Mayor Wiz Fabian said that the city is honored for the ranking and that he is not surprised by it.

"I think one of the biggest draws of living in our little community is a great sense of security," said Fabian. "We've never been able to afford police officers, so you usually don't have to worry about walking around town being harassed."

Aside from the safe environment for the residents, Fabian said the town has a lot to offer local children, which he believes is the main reason Mingo Junction made the cut.

"Kids love urban exploration," he said. "There's all sorts of abandoned buildings for teenagers to sneak into and explore. All sorts of places to hide from their parents. We also have a lot of water line breaks. It's like the kids get a free water park in the summer."

Mingo Junction is known mostly for its glory of former days, but Fabian says that only gives kids more opportunity that ever before.

"There used to be all sorts of stores downtown," he said. "We had a lot of industry in our area. Now that it's gone, the future generations can move in and take their places. If someone wants to open up a television shop or a radio repair business, the building's there for you already. You need only to move in."

BREAKING: Sheriff Abdalla's Eyebrows Really Are Made From Velcro

STEUBENVILLE - In a startling discovery, investigators in Jefferson County have concluded that the infamous eyebrows of Sheriff Fred Abdalla are actually two strips of Velcro. Lead detective Charlie Fernandez said that the findings have huge implications for every case Abdalla has worked on.

"Every single indictment that the Jefferson County Sheriff's department has been involved with has to be reviewed now," he said. "We have to make sure that he never illegally obtained evidence using his eyebrows."

Indeed, sheriff's deputies working under Abdalla have been suspicious for years. Deputy Mike Svenkolovski said that Abdalla's knack for finding evidence was almost immaculate.

"We'd walk into a suspect's house and ask him some questions," said Svenkolvski. "We wouldn't have a warrant to search the place or anything, but somehow he was always able to snatch something. I remember one time we went into a man's house who was suspected of rape. When we left, Fred had a tissue stuck to his face. He told me he got all the evidence he needed."

Abdalla's eligibility to run for sheriff has also been called into question. Because the eyebrows are not natural hair, some in the Ohio Valley are wondering if Abdalla is even entirely human.

"Technically, if the reports are found to be truthful it would make Abdalla a cyborg," said Dr. Smith Bill. Dr. Bill is an anthropology professor at Franciscan University of Steubenville. "According to state laws, only a human being can run for office."

In 1974, the Ohio Supreme Court ruled that the city of Toronto could not elect a chicken into the mayor's office. If that case sets precedence, Abdalla could be forced to retire.

OVMC Urges Parents to Talk to Kids About 'Ebola Challenge'

WHEELING - It's the latest internet craze, and officials at the Ohio Valley Medical Center are wondering if anyone is going to try it. According to Dr. Harrison Purple, videos are going to start popping up of teens injecting themselves with the deadly virus.

"Ebola is an incredibly risky thing to put in your body," he said. "The mortality rate is thought to be as high as 90 percent. We all know how stupid our kids are. Teens like to live recklessly, and if I were young still I'd definitely be giving it a try."

Dr. Purple's statements in The Herald Star sent paranoid parents around the Ohio Valley into a massive hysteria. Wintersville resident Bertha Connors said she even had to ground her daughter.

"My daughter is a dolt if you ask me," she said. "She drives her car over the speed limit, and I think she drinks alcohol sometimes and engages in sexual copulation. I even had to take her to the emergency room last year after she inhaled some secondhand marijuana."

New superintendent of the Indian Creek School District John Rocchi said that combating the Ebola Challenge will be a top priority for the upcoming school year.

"We installed a new shower system at every entrance to the high school," said Rocchi. "The showers will hose down every student with Clorox bleach every time they enter the premises."

Clorox has become a sponsor for the school district after agreeing to use the brand for its disinfection system.