OVN's Top 5 Blue-Green Algae Recipes Will Make Your Mouth Water

To the delight of many local food connoisseurs, blue-green algae has been popping up all over Monroe County! We decided to gather up the best chefs in the Ohio Valley to share their favorite recipes.

"I don't really think you're supposed to eat that," said Jeff Watkins of Wheeling's Avenue Eats.

"Isn't that stuff dangerous?" Ye Olde Alpha's Laura Parker asked.

Well to hell with Avenue Eats! Who needs Ye Olde Alpha? You can make these five delectable treats right in your own kitchen!

1. Blue-green Cake


Ingredients:
7 quail eggs
2 cups of flower
1 cup of blue-green algae
3 teaspoons of baking soda
1 scoop of butter

This is the perfect birthday cake for that special someone whose favorite color just happens to be blue-green! Make sure you get the right kind of flowers for the occasion, we found that daffodils work the best. Dump all the ingredients into a large bowl and cook it in the oven for as long as you like. Do you like your cake soupy? Leave it in for 5 minutes. Crispy? Let that masterpiece go for five hours!

2. Blue-green Chai Tea

Ingredients:
Lots of blue-green algae
A bunch of cloves
Some ginger
A few bags of black tea
A lot of cinnamon
5 shakes of nutmeg
10 oz. of cardamom

This one's a personal favorite. Great for those last few days of summer down by the Ohio River, blue-green chai has been a local staple for over eight months. The best part of drinking it happens the day after. When you wake up the next morning, you'll glow a nice shade of blue-green just like your favorite ingredient!

3. Blue-green Pizza


Ingredients:
Blue-green algae
Blue-green blue cheese
Blue peppers
Blue bread
Blue pepperoni

We're not exactly sure where to find blue bread and pepperoni anymore, but check the farmers market in St. Clairsville. This delicious dinner will turn anyone into a fan of blue-green algae. The only downside? A slight rash will appear but it will be totally worth it!

4. Blue-green ice cream

Ingredients:
Ice cream
Blue-green algae

This one's pretty simple, so it'll be pretty easy if you've never cooked anything before. All you need to do is gather up some blue-green algae (send your kids to get it, you'll thank us later) and some ice cream. Toss all that stuff in the blender and you'll have a tasty desert to go with your blue-green pizza and chai tea!



5. Pure Blue-green algae

Ingredients:
Blue-green algae
Blue-green algae
Blue-green algae
Blue-green algae
Blue-green algae
Blue-green algae

Let's be real here, the best way to consume blue-green algae is to just suck it up and eat the stuff. It's probably the greatest flavor of all time. We're pretty sure that Nicki Minaj didn't write that song for no reason. Do yourself a favor and pay a visit to Sardis or Clarington to gather up the valley's finest food before those pesky rascals from the Department of Health and the Department of Natural Resources eradicate it.

Harrison County Unveils 'Pool House Courtroom'

The new courtroom, with a sauna in the east wing.

CADIZ -- After torrential downpours caused water to completely flood the Harrison County Courthouse, county officials decided to overhaul the building and install the state's first ever pool house courtroom.

"Going to court can be an incredibly stressful experience," Harrison County commissioner Dale Norris said. "So to take the edge off, we thought it would be prudent to make our courthouse into a five-star resort. We already have the water."

The new courthouse comes complete with a Hooters poolside bar and grill as well as an Asian massage parlor and sauna.

"It's going to make our jobs so much easier," Harrison County prosecutor Michael Washington said. "Arguing cases is a whole heck of a lot easier when you've got a clear mind."

Not all members of the Harrison County judiciary system were pleased with the information, however. Sheriff Ronald Myers shared a shocking revelation in an interview with Ohio Valley News.

Sheriff Myers, who can't swim.

"I can't swim," Myers said. "I don't know why, I just never could. I tried taking lessons but the instructor turned out to be Czechoslovakian drug lord who sold me to a bakery in Atlanta. That's a story for another time. Anyway, I've been scared of the water ever since."

Commissioner Norris said that the county knew about Myers' challenges with aquatics, and has a plan to deal with it.

"We're going to get him a pair of floaties," he said, holding back laughter. "I mean, first we'll have to get a levy passed to raise taxes by 0.0001 percent, which will be one heck of a challenge, but we'll make it happen."

Kasich Approves $100 Grant to Steubenville High School

Kasich delivered five 20-dollar bills to superintendent
 Melinda Young.

STEUBENVILLE -- Expressing his deep concern for troubled inner-city students, Ohio governor John Kasich personally delivered a $100 grant to Steubenville City Schools this morning. The presidential hopeful told reporters that he was just doing his job.

"I knew I had to intervene when I heard about these poor children who were unable to purchase basic school supplies," Kasich said. "I saw that spiral notebooks were going for 17 cents a pop at Walmart, so this should be enough for five hundred or so."

Kasich said that although Steubenville students have it rough, they should be thankful that local prices are relatively low compared to the rest of the state.

"We bought Orange High School students Toshiba and Acer notebooks," said Kasich. "Those things cost about six-hundred dollars!"

Although thankful for the money they received, some entitled parents said that the money was not enough.

"My daughter has six different classes that she needs a notebook for," said Ashley Madison, an angry mother. "How do you expect her to cram it all in there?"

Kasich offered the concerned parents a solution.

"My staff and I have worked long nights to address this issue,"the governor said. "We have made a list of local thrift stores that sell used notebooks and pencils. Even you inner-city people can afford that."

Parents of neighboring school districts voiced their displeasure to the governor after his visit, saying that Kasich needs to address their districts' problems as well.

"I know, I know," Kasich said. "Times are tough. I'm setting up a GoFundMe account for every school district in Ohio. The goal is $10 million per school. If you really want the money, you'll raise it no time."

Buckeye Local Installs Booby Traps In High School

RAYLAND -- The Buckeye Local school board voted earlier today to take extreme measures to improve student safety. Starting this year, lethal booby traps will be placed throughout the high school.

"We're really doing this just so I can be on the news," Superintendent Mark Miller said. "Whoops, I meant that we feel like we owe everything to our students and it is in our best interest to keep them safe. You can edit that first part out, right?"

Buckeye Local will be the first school in the world to implement deadly booby traps as a security measure. Miller designed the traps personally, and took inspiration from Hollywood.

"I was watching Indiana Jones," he said. "That scene where Indy runs away from that boulder came on and the first thing I thought of was it rolling down our hallways and killing terrorists."

Spring-loaded spears will also be installed in the hallway walls in addition to the rolling boulder. Trap doors will also be placed near the entrances to every classroom.

"There's this one incredibly weird emo kid named Billy that scares the hell out of me," Miller said. "Oops, what I meant to say was that you just never know who would harm people. It could be who you least expect. It might even be me if our students' parents don't stop sending me rotten potatoes in the mail."

Booby traps won't be the only new security measure this year, Miller also plans to arm teachers with military-grade weaponry.

"We're also putting a Hydra 70 rocket launcher in our trophy case," he said. "It's meant to be a last resort because it will blow the entire school into rubble, but if that's what it takes to stop these kids from taking too many trips to the water fountain... I mean if that's what it takes to stop an active shooter then we'll be ready."

Liopleurodon Spotted at Jefferson Sportsman's Club

This picture of a Liopleurodon was taken
 at Jefferson Sportsman's Club.

BLOOMINGDALE -- A picture that made rounds through social media today has been confirmed by Ohio Department of Natural Resources to depict a massive Liopleurodon. Liopleurodons are ancient marine reptiles originally believed to have gone extinct after the last one died at the St. Louis Zoo approximately 150 million years ago.

The picture was taken by amateur biologist Wilhelm Clifton, a member of the sportsman's club, who immediately posted the picture to Facebook to warn the Ohio Valley of impending doom. Other local amateur biologists confirmed that it was indeed a Liopleurodon.

"I knew what it was the second I saw that there thing," said Bloomingdale resident Patsy Spurrington, an amateur zoologist. "They had them things on the Discovery Channel once so I recognized it right away."

Of course, the sighting of such a rare creature also brought along its fair share of conspiracy theories.

A Liopleurodon

"These are incredibly dangerous animals," said local amateur paleontologist Waldo Hearst. "The game warden should be tracking it, yet nobody is. What aren't they telling us?"

Other amateur scientists on Facebook theorized that local restaurants have hidden the Liopleurodons from the general public.

"It's a well known fact that Undo's does not use real meat in their food," said amateur sociopath Brian Adkins. "Liopleurodon meat is incredibly delicious and it only takes one to supply an entire restaurant for a year. What aren't they telling us?"

The sighting shouldn't come as a surprise for the Ohio Valley due to the close proximity of Jefferson Sportsman's Club to the Magical Fernwood Forest, where a saber-toothed tiger was spotted last year as well as a pack of sentient unicorns.